Husband Clothes

Hi. I made this interesting discovery. Apparently guys read my blog. I was a little surprised at all of the REALLY nice emails from guys about how mean that my husband forgot my birthday! Wow–thanks. SO, I made some joke posts to guys in the past. Now, I decided to write a real post to guys. And on a very critical topic: why your girl is mean to you.

Guys, the bad news is, there are probably many reasons why your wife or girlfriend is mean to you. If I met you or at least saw a photo of you, I could probably name at least 10 of the reasons within 5 minutes. BUT, since this isn’t the case, I can only tell you the probable reasons she is mean to you based on my experience of having known many, many girls in relationships. And from a few relationships of my own. Here we go:

1. You don’t listen. She tells you things that are really important to her a million times. You keep doing the same annoying stuff. What is she supposed to do, jump for joy? (Yes, I realize you have heard these words–you should have listened, then you wouldn’t need to read this.) What to do: Listen. This doesn’t mean “open your ears and hear her.” This means DO something differently. Obviously you can’t do everything she wants–by the time you get to the stage where she’s fed up with you not listening, there is a very long list of things she wants you to change. That’s fine.

Just change the important one or ones. Which is this? This is the thing that when you do it, she no longer reacts with words. She either begins to slam things, yell (but not about the thing, just words that don’t really make sense, but still convey a very angry message), or gets super silent with a really red face and just kind of goes from place to place trying to get away from you for a few minutes. When this happens, try to ask yourself “What thing has she mentioned did I do right before she started [insert behavior such as slamming things]?” If you can stop doing that thing, she’ll feel that you have listened. At least for a while.

2. You ignore her. (This involves #1 because it’s one of those things she keeps saying that keeps happening. But it’s still an additional and very important issue.) Yes, I know–when you are ready to spend time with her, she’s doing her stuff. Well, still. She needs attention. You must figure out how to give it to her if you want her to be nice. Remember: Attention doesn’t mean 3 hours a day–she’s WAY too busy talking to her friends on the phone, taking care of children, or shopping for that kind of time commitment. We’re talking 10-15 minutes of sitting with her when she seems to need your company. What to do: It’s SO not hard–basically say–hey, let’s TALK! Don’t worry, this means something totally different to her than it does to you. To you, it’s doomsday. To her, it’s pleasure island.

When she sits down, do NOT stare at her blankly. Write down these questions and refer to them (sneakily) if you need to: 1) How did your day go? 2) Did you figure out what to do about that problem you mentioned the other day? [When she asks which problem, you’re going to need to be prepared–think about this one in advance. I can’t give you any definites, but common problems tend to be problems with an annoying acquaintance, boss, or coworker. For stay-at-home moms, another stay-at-home mom or a discipline issue with the kids.] 3) As she tells you the answer, do NOT tell her she handled it incorrectly!!!! You have NO idea what you’re talking about. Just say things like “oh really? ” or “hm, that was an original idea.” also a really good one: “oh, that would work in a lot of scenarios.” Trust me, this will take 15-12 minutes, and she’ll be really happy. Also, this may feel fake–trust me again, this is what your girl is doing when you’re talking about your job. She doesn’t really care about all aspects of your job that she pretends to care about, but she wants to make you feel important. It won’t kill you to do the same.

Now, you could have this issue: you sit down to talk, and she immediately starts griping about #1–I know, this is probably one of the reasons you hate talking. That’s understandable. Try saying, “Hey, I know these things are really important. But I just want to be with you and hear about your day. Tell me how you…” then continue with above suggestion.

3) You create so much work for her, yet do so little work. I know, some guys do work and help. The problem is most guys THINK they do, but really they don’t. See, she yells about your towels and clothes on the floor–why? Not because she wants to be mean. Because she’s tired, and picking up these things is extra work. Plus, the only reason she HAS to pick them up is because you didn’t. Not fair. Sorry, simply not fair. What to do: Listen to the work you create for her, and stop doing it. If you ask, she might start yelling. So, choose a time while she already is yelling about it, and try to listen for key words rather than totally tuning out: “towel” or “fingernail clippings” or “DISHES.” I know, the yelling goes on for a long time and about many various topics, all kind of in a stream. BUT, if you can pick out those important key words, and then stop creating one or two types of unfair work, you’re on your way to having a great week next week!

Wow, that took a lot of explaining. I don’t like super long posts, so I will sign off now. I will post more along these lines soon. Also, I realize there are many things your girlfriend and wife need to change. I’ve changed over 9 years of marriage, so I might be able to tell you how my husband helped that happen. Soon.

I need to get this out and move along before it makes me really mad.

We had friends over for my birthday yesterday. While I cooked beforehand, my husband took the boys out to the toystore. I asked him to buy a cake. (Must mention the husband “cake problem”–he likes wierd cakes, I like normal cakes. By “weird,” I mean lots of fruit, cream, crunchy bread part, not soft and fluffy, etc. I like the totally bland, normal birthday cake. So, usually we get wierd cakes, but on my birthday, I feel that it’s fair to put my foot down and insist on a normal cake.)

They were gone for a LONG time, maybe 3 hours. I was sure he got me a present–or why so long? So, after they came in, I asked, “You got me a present, didn’t you?”

His response: “Yeah–the cake.”

This is the end of the story. That means he was not joking. He actually meant that the CAKE was my present. (On the upside, however, the cake was totally normal and very good.)

I’m tired of talking about gifts. Onto funner topics (funner for me anyway, as a non-recipient of gifts. Recipients would probably love to keep talking about the wonderful gifts they get every year from their normal husbands who wear hot clothes…and I am so happy for you. Really, not jealous. Happy. Damn happy.)

PS. I see I should begin preparing for my Mother’s Day present immediately. Whether you’re a guy or gal, consider this present for your mother (or wife or girlfriend): upload one photo of yourself or you and your girl together, or your children or best, your whole family. Put it on a coffee cup, tote bag, framed picture, or many other products (see the link to Shutterfly above). No matter what lady this is for–SHE WILL LOVE IT. I use Shutterfly every year to order calendars for 20 family members– this is a great company, and everyone talks about the calendars ALL YEAR LONG. If my husband did this for me, I would die of happiness (but he won’t). Above is a $5 coupon–enjoy.

Okay, I am becoming very confused. First, I was sure my husband was spying on my blog. Then I couldn’t take it anymore and asked him to read it (but he was too tired, even though I said “please read it, I make fun of you in it.”) Then I think he DID read it.

Question: If he read my blog, how did he miss the post on the first page where I talked about my birthday (which is TODAY) and linked him to presents for me??? So, for his own sake, I will relink him to these presents–1800 Flowers and Zales, as well as give him another verbal reminder.

Note for Husband in case he is reading: Honey, at this point, I will not specify a bouquet. Just click on the link below to 800 Flowers. Unlike in the prior post where I told you which bouquets I like, at this point, ANY bouquet will do. No, it won’t possibly get here on my birthday, but I don’t mind. Any day this week is fine.

Next: Zales–here, some things are not my style. Some are far too expensive. The things I like are items 16089170 ($25), 16982472 ($59 or $79), 17256876 ($104). Just click on the banner below, search for the items, and order one for me. EZ.

Again, these things will not arrive today. In fact, if you order from Zales, it will take a few days, but they use free FedEx, so I am guessing I’d get it this week. Again, any day this week is fine. However, please note: if I don’t get a present, OR if my present is a $5 dry ugly aquarium from CVS like the other year, you’re not going to have a pleasant week.

This post is mainly for the guys out there. I got my first Guy Feedback that I am mean and materialistic! You are probably saying it in a joking way, as in “you’re so mean” being sarcastic code for “you’re sooooo tolerant and nice based on what I read on your blog.” If you ARE serious, though, you should enjoy this post. (And ladies, I already know you will because it’s about men and how they are about their cars.)

Well, I guess I am kind of mean sometimes…but more on that later. However, being materialistic is definitely NOT one of my (numerous) vices. In fact, like many women, I get nice stuff for everyone except myself. AWWWW, did I make that sound sad? Because it’s not at all sad. In fact, I LOVE it. I refuse to get myself stuff, and I brag about it. I like old stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I look nice in public–hair fixed, makeup on, etc–BUT I prefer old stuff for most situations. Also, I don’t have lots of stuff! As little as possible. Sometimes I get dirty looks from people who think my used furniture is strange or that my crashed up car is ugly. Guess what. I don’t care because I save money, and I enjoy it.

My husband, on the other hand, is somewhat materialistic. He’s not horrible about it BUT he has two huge things–his car and a gargantuous TV he forced me to buy. (By “forced,” I mean that these expensive things cut through the essence of my soul. Yet, he kept lecturing me for weeks about why he really “needed” each one. And I am way too busy for lectures, plus they annoyed me and put me in a bad mood, so finally, I gave in).

Again, this post is for guys. I know exactly what will sway you–pictures of cars. Now, look at the photo of my crashed up 7 year old car on top and my husband’s nice new BMW on the bottom. Then go ahead and tell me: Who’s materialistic now?

Yesterday, my friend saw the post about my husband’s hanger trick, and suddenly it hit me that I never told her about it. When she mentioned the hanger, I had a flashback to the time period when she and I met. At that time, life was much too serious to ever talk or think about the trivial stuff I do now–hangers, wrinkled clothing, chipped teeth–oh, sorry, I did talk about chipped teeth, as we had this problem even then…So, some people have much more serious difficulties to deal with. I realize this, since I was one of them.

Anyway, it kind of made me sad thinking about people having a really hard time in marriage. …I don’t have much advice (not that you’d want it anyway, after reading about what I put up with). BUT, I can tell you two things that helped me gain some understanding that made the rocky times a little easier:

1) The book “What Could He Be Thinking?” by Michael Gurian–he is a psychologist who did decades of research on men’s brains. He describes the stages during marriage and really grounded info about men and how they operate in a marriage. It’s NOT a book that makes excuses–it just tells what and why. Very, very, very helpful. For me, it really helped me understand how a man’s job can influence his behavior and why my husband acted so mean all the time.

2) Movies like “Cinderella Man” (misleading title–this is about a strong, wonderful man who in no way acts like Cinderella). When I had a hard time, my friends were all happy, had plenty of money, and their husbands were so nice to them. Movies reminded me that some people have it worse than me. The BEST one of all time–”Cinderella Man” with Russel Crowe. Hard times like crazy, but also strength of the soul. On a lighter note, “Click” with Adam Sandler–teaches you not to hurry too much, even in times of stress. (In case you’re interested in getting either, I’m putting a search bar here so you can search for the right DVD format for your TV.)

3) If you find books and movies about relationships helpful, there are many more in the Husband Clothes giftstore here. Look at the links to the left called “Books About Relationships” (duh) and “Movies.” Choices include only relationship books that get top reviews. The movies all show many different types of relationships and partners–criminal partners, partners who can’t read (a VERY good movie, by the way, called “Stan and Iris” with Robert De Niro), partners who can’t speak English, others with obsessive compulsive disorder (another great one–”As Good As It Gets.” FUUUUNNNY!).

Hi. Make me feel better about this. Every guy does this, right? You have hangers all over your house that look just like this, true?

In case these photographs seem perplexing (because they are), let me fully explain them. The first photo is a hanger. No, the hanger did not come like that. It was a perfectly normal, metal hanger. Straight edges, triangular shape. Like all hangers.

But my husband, as you can see, bent the hanger upward on both sides. It kind of looks like it’s… smiling…if you will. The next photograph shows how the hanger is used. Yes, despite the new form, the hanger IS still used to hang up pants. As shown below, the edges that stick up are laced through the outer-most back belt loops of my husband’s pants.

As you can imagine, this ONLY works for pants. Don’t try hanging a shirt on there. Or a dress, skirt, sweater, or anything else. And pants, of course, become much more wrinkled on this little doo-dad, but as you know, that’s the way my husband wears his pants, so that works out perfectly.

I used to be a teacher. (But now write school books…and blogs.) So, I know strategies on making quizzes easy, challenging, or whatever the occasion calls for. For fun, I’m going to give my husband this quiz (which he will totally blow off) :

1) How many days from now is my birthday? (Hint: see title of post)

2) How old am I? (Hint: I am exactly 6 months older than you. I realize sometimes you forget how old you are. That’s fine. Me too.)

3) What do I want for my birthday?

Now, the reason this post is necessary is because I need to send it to my husband. He never gets me presents for my birthday or any other holiday. He forgets. I remind him and explain to him how important it is each year. No matter.

I want some darn presents for my birthday this year. Something feminine. Something pretty. NOT an ugly dry aquarium with cacti in it, for example, that has a cheap ugly mirror in the back and cost $5 at CVS. Yes, he actually did get me this, and it happens to be one of the 2 presents he has gotten me during 9 years of marriage. (Note to husband: Do NOT get me one of these things ever again. If you do that, do NOT pretend that you planned it and think it’s nice. Also, if I throw it away because it’s ugly and looking at it makes me sad, please do NOT fish it out of the garbage.). Now, again, for husband, I am linking you directly to some gifts I like. They are pretty, inexpensive, and perfect for me or any girl. (If, by the way, there are other guys out there, note that ordering jewelry or flowers for your girl on any occasion, but especially NO occasion will result in lots of hot..uh meals for at least a week or two.)

Zales : Item #16809170($25) , #16982472 ($59 or $79), or #17250876 ($104)

1800-Flowers (worry not, no phone call involved): bouquet Thanks-a-Latte ($29) or Daisy Garden ($35)

Husband, please, please, please, order me something from either place–assuming that you did read my email and this entire post–and do so by Sunday (my birthday):

Doesn’t everyone want a partner who has a great sense of humor? Yes, me too. But well, I didn’t really get that. I realize that probably sounds a little mean to people who haven’t…how shall I put this…experienced my husband’s jokes. It’s not that his jokes are gross, cruel, too political, or anything like that. Rather, they are just completely incomprehensible. And not at all funny. And they confuse people. Or even alarm people, depending on the topic.

If we are sitting around a table with friends and my husband suddenly blurts out a joke (my worst social nightmare)…here’s what happens: Everyone kind of stops talking and starts looking around at everyone else. You can tell they want to ask, “What just happened? Was that a joke? Or was it a fact? Something from the news?” There is always a moment of sheer confusion, but the moment stretches out for several moments, because my husband thinks that people are just taking time to process the humor–therefore, he doesn’t say “I was joking” quickly enough to eliminate the mass confusion.

Now, I could jump in and say “he was just joking,” except that his jokes also confuse me (and often frustrate and irritate me). Also, when I do finally realize there has been “a joke,” I prefer to quickly change the topic and let people think the confusion was their own fault, rather than admit that the pandemonium was all the result of my husband’s attempt to be funny.

He also tells lots of jokes about me. Not to other people. To ME. For example, “Honey, so you like the chicken I made tonight?” It’s very difficult to replicate one of his jokes, but here’s something vaguely like what he might say: “Oh, this is chicken? I thought it was goat meat.” See–that’s not only not funny. It’s just plain confusing and frustrating. Why would you think it’s goat meat? Have you actually eaten goat meat? Are you trying to say the chicken tastes bad? If so, just say it instead of telling confusing jokes.

For 9 years, I have been asking him if he can try to make his jokes a little funnier. I don’t even think he’s trying.

**Need to buy your guy a gift? Visit the Husband Clothes gift store here.**

Sunday we invited my husband’s friends over–two couples. Both, like us, somewhat new to the Los Angeles area. I fixed a HUGE spread. No joke–8 dishes. Intricate foods. And it was all good. Even King Picky Himself (my husband) complimented the food 3 times. I couldn’t believe it. So–you see all the work I put into that fun evening. And what, might you ask, did my husband contribute?

Well, what he did NOT contribute were nails–nails into my favorite living room shelf that has a back that fell off. Yes, it just fell off. I don’t know how, but it looks really stupid and embarrassing. See for yourself:

I even got nails for him! I got nails and gave them to my husband (and his hammer) and said really hurriedly, as I was in the middle of cooking the 8 dishes–”Please, please, please nail the back to the shelf, ok??? The company can NOT see this.

He says “Oh, yeah, I’ll do that in just a second.” The man was standing right by the shelf with nails AND a hammer in his hand, people. Six hours later, the food is ready, company knocks, back of shelf still sitting there, behind but kind of far away from the shelf.

As if this weren’t enough, OF COURSE, the company ended up in the living room congregated around the shelf, rather than in the dining room/kitchen area where only the side of the shelf would have been visible. (Just in case my husband is spying on my blog as I suspect he might be–THANKS a LOT for fixing the shelf like you promised.)

**Need to buy your guy a gift? Visit the Husband Clothes gift store here.**

Happy Easter, everyone! I’m thinking a lot about how lucky I am today–the blessings and gifts I have. Let me warn you though, when I post about the topics of my husband + gifts, it’s going to get a little annoying.

Before I tell my annoying (ok, infuriating) story, let me mention that if you need gift ideas or quick shopping for your guy’s birthday or any other special occasion–please visit the Husband Clothes gift store (link also to the right). It’s powered by Amazon, and you can get really good electronics and hard-to-find gifts (like a “sexy” Borat green swim suit–but this is not one of my picks–I’m just saying it’s available at the store:)

As much as I LOVE buying and giving gifts, I must admit that buying gifts for MY husband is sheer torture. Why? Because he is a picky freaking BABY. He hasn’t gotten the message–one that is quite pertinent today actually–gifts are given from LOVE, so no matter what the gift, we are lucky to be cherished. Also, not everyone gets gifts. Even if you don’t LIKE a gift, you pretend to like it. You exchange it. You store it somewhere.

OH, not my husband. No siree. His worst nightmare is getting a gift that isn’t EXACTLY what he’s always dreamed of (from me, I mean–from others, all gifts are special) . Do realize that the gifts he gets me are also exactly what he has always dreamed of having for himself–described in detail here–that is, on the rare occasion that I actually receive a gift from him–about 4 times in 9 years of marriage. Thanks:) Just have fun reviewing this conversation that happened right before our anniversary due to my not choosing the “correct” gift:

Me: Honey, I got you a great gift for our anniversary. You are going to LOVE it! Did you get me anything yet?

Him: What is it? [ignores question as to whether he purchased gift for me]

Me: I don’t want to tell you. It’s a surprise.

Him: Yeah, but I might not like it. You should tell me, so I can tell you if I like it. This way, if I don’t like what you got, you can get me something better.

After the last disappointing gift I got him, he asked me to just give him money next time. Uh, he earns most of our money. So, I’m going to give him HIS money to buy his own gift? I tried it. The “gift” he got himself was cables, long, orange cables, and like 50 of them–$200 worth to be exact. They were never used. Sure, that’s what he wanted. Well, sorry, I want something more “gifty.” Also something that will not take up my VERY valuable hall closet space. And yes, I have tried to get him to TELL me what he wants, so I can buy it. In these cases, he “couldn’t think of it right now” for weeks, or the ideal gift for me to buy costs $500-$1000. Perhaps when you own your own film studio, buster.

Maybe I will send him to the Husband Clothes gift store to buy his own dumb gifts from now on. Nothing there costs $1000, and he can just use a darn credit card instead of me giving him a bunch of his own money…For heaven sakes–see why I call it torture?? Word to men: please, appreciate your gifts.