Why Your Wife or Girlfriend Acts Mean
Hi. I made this interesting discovery. Apparently guys read my blog. I was a little surprised at all of the REALLY nice emails from guys about how mean that my husband forgot my birthday! Wow–thanks. SO, I made some joke posts to guys in the past. Now, I decided to write a real post to guys. And on a very critical topic: why your girl is mean to you.
Guys, the bad news is, there are probably many reasons why your wife or girlfriend is mean to you. If I met you or at least saw a photo of you, I could probably name at least 10 of the reasons within 5 minutes. BUT, since this isn’t the case, I can only tell you the probable reasons she is mean to you based on my experience of having known many, many girls in relationships. And from a few relationships of my own. Here we go:
1. You don’t listen. She tells you things that are really important to her a million times. You keep doing the same annoying stuff. What is she supposed to do, jump for joy? (Yes, I realize you have heard these words–you should have listened, then you wouldn’t need to read this.) What to do: Listen. This doesn’t mean “open your ears and hear her.” This means DO something differently. Obviously you can’t do everything she wants–by the time you get to the stage where she’s fed up with you not listening, there is a very long list of things she wants you to change. That’s fine.
Just change the important one or ones. Which is this? This is the thing that when you do it, she no longer reacts with words. She either begins to slam things, yell (but not about the thing, just words that don’t really make sense, but still convey a very angry message), or gets super silent with a really red face and just kind of goes from place to place trying to get away from you for a few minutes. When this happens, try to ask yourself “What thing has she mentioned did I do right before she started [insert behavior such as slamming things]?” If you can stop doing that thing, she’ll feel that you have listened. At least for a while.
2. You ignore her. (This involves #1 because it’s one of those things she keeps saying that keeps happening. But it’s still an additional and very important issue.) Yes, I know–when you are ready to spend time with her, she’s doing her stuff. Well, still. She needs attention. You must figure out how to give it to her if you want her to be nice. Remember: Attention doesn’t mean 3 hours a day–she’s WAY too busy talking to her friends on the phone, taking care of children, or shopping for that kind of time commitment. We’re talking 10-15 minutes of sitting with her when she seems to need your company. What to do: It’s SO not hard–basically say–hey, let’s TALK! Don’t worry, this means something totally different to her than it does to you. To you, it’s doomsday. To her, it’s pleasure island.
When she sits down, do NOT stare at her blankly. Write down these questions and refer to them (sneakily) if you need to: 1) How did your day go? 2) Did you figure out what to do about that problem you mentioned the other day? [When she asks which problem, you're going to need to be prepared--think about this one in advance. I can't give you any definites, but common problems tend to be problems with an annoying acquaintance, boss, or coworker. For stay-at-home moms, another stay-at-home mom or a discipline issue with the kids.] 3) As she tells you the answer, do NOT tell her she handled it incorrectly!!!! You have NO idea what you’re talking about. Just say things like “oh really? ” or “hm, that was an original idea.” also a really good one: “oh, that would work in a lot of scenarios.” Trust me, this will take 15-12 minutes, and she’ll be really happy. Also, this may feel fake–trust me again, this is what your girl is doing when you’re talking about your job. She doesn’t really care about all aspects of your job that she pretends to care about, but she wants to make you feel important. It won’t kill you to do the same.
Now, you could have this issue: you sit down to talk, and she immediately starts griping about #1–I know, this is probably one of the reasons you hate talking. That’s understandable. Try saying, “Hey, I know these things are really important. But I just want to be with you and hear about your day. Tell me how you…” then continue with above suggestion.
3) You create so much work for her, yet do so little work. I know, some guys do work and help. The problem is most guys THINK they do, but really they don’t. See, she yells about your towels and clothes on the floor–why? Not because she wants to be mean. Because she’s tired, and picking up these things is extra work. Plus, the only reason she HAS to pick them up is because you didn’t. Not fair. Sorry, simply not fair. What to do: Listen to the work you create for her, and stop doing it. If you ask, she might start yelling. So, choose a time while she already is yelling about it, and try to listen for key words rather than totally tuning out: “towel” or “fingernail clippings” or “DISHES.” I know, the yelling goes on for a long time and about many various topics, all kind of in a stream. BUT, if you can pick out those important key words, and then stop creating one or two types of unfair work, you’re on your way to having a great week next week!
Wow, that took a lot of explaining. I don’t like super long posts, so I will sign off now. I will post more along these lines soon. Also, I realize there are many things your girlfriend and wife need to change. I’ve changed over 9 years of marriage, so I might be able to tell you how my husband helped that happen. Soon.
Filed under: Being Mean, Habits, Uncategorized
Hi,
I came across your blog through Blog Search Engine and I really like it! You are so right in saying that husbands “create so much work for her, yet do so little work.” I have my own blog also, where I rant much like you do – it is definitely more productive than fighting. Ha ha – hope to read more from you.
Hi Dreamwalker,
Thank you! Yes, the creating work theme is highly under-discussed, don’t you think? I would discuss it with my husband, except that we have the added issue of…work that he does usually causing additional problems.
Oh, but that’s a topic for another day. Thank you for visiting, and I hope your guy creates minimal work for you this whole, entire spring:)
–Holly Kay
Holly! I was looking at your most popular posts and saw this…my first comment in your blog, lol. I loved reading it again, and just printed it to give to my husband…cross your fingers
It is because we are bored and want to wind men up and like it when they get angry at us…it turns us on!
Holly,
Your above explanations make sense. But is there a possibility that a girlfriend can be mean because she’s in the wrong?
I recently had to break up with a girl I loved because no matter what I did for her, she treated me like crap, and never really did anything for me. She acted like she was doing me a favor just by virtue of being my girlfriend. We’re both adults and should’ve been able to have an adult relationship, but in her mind a relationship is just the boyfriend’s duty to convince her to stay with him everyday; obviously my effort and my patience drained quickly. She never even stayed at my apartment because she never felt like commuting (its a 15 minute subway ride), so I did, almost everyday. Obviously one of my worst mistakes was being too amicable to her demands.
If I didn’t give her all she wanted all the time, she fed me the worst verbal and emotional abuse imaginable. After even the shortest fight, she’d hang out with other guys to infuriate me, though she never cheated. Obviously we stopped being friends months before I broke it off, and our physical relationship ended about 2 months before. We never had closure because I was never able to say anything to her. I was never able to express what I felt if it would upset her because she was so short fused.
Now I’m worried all of this may have been my fault. Please dispel my fear and reassure me that there’s plenty of bad apples out there and I just happened to pick one.
Aw Drew, you’re making me all sad. I always try to pretend that boyfriends like you don’t exist, so the ones who barely try (like my husband) are doing just fine!
I think that girl sounds like a stereotypical narcissist. That is a person who basically think people are wrong when they don’t want to do everything to meet his/her needs, and it’s impossible
Obviously, I’m just going by your blog comment–you could also be the narcissist turning it all around on us! But for me, these things signal a narcissist: 1) you always feel like it’s your fault and 2) you can NEVER get closure and 3) you’re afraid to bring things up because the narcissist will feel completely shocked at your accusations (even though everyone else seems to think your points are logical and normal).
I’m no expert. I have had a “friend” and unfortunately an in-law who are narcissists. I read up on the internet about that type, and it made me feel much better. Hopefully you’ll get some closure. It doesn’t sound like your fault, for whatever that’s worth:)
Drew, your post has just crepily described my girlfriend. It makes me wonder if were talking about the same girl! I’m ALWAYS WRONG! even if i know that its a FACT that I’m right. If i want the argument to stop b/c I’m tired I will just shut down and say “ok you’re right”. I feel like such a p*&&#. If i deny ANY request of hers whether it be “come over to my house” any mundane thing like that…she will get mad at me like I just kicked her dog. So, in order to avoid a fight, I just comply.
I work from early in the morning until 2 in the afternoon and then go to school after that. I’m Always tired. She has even physically abused me over little things that just escalated. One day, I couldn’t take anymore and I started yelling at her at the top of my lungs. She was yelling at me at the top of her lungs in my ear so I couldn’t handle it. When I stopped yelling, she said she would break up with me if I don’t get anger management. I barely ever flip out like that. She flips out all the time over the smallest stuff.
So, I know you’re asking, “why are you still with her?” b/c I have seen the good sides of her. She has a good heart. She’s very generous when she wants to be. She rescued me at a very rough time in my life and we fell in love. We have a deep connection most can’t understand, but she hurts me on a daily basis. I spend so much money on her all the time, and she is very ungreatful. It’s not like I rub it in her face that I’m buying her stuff….but I can tell she isn’t greatful. I’m done ranting. I’m sorry for talking this terribly about someone I love and care about, but I just had to get this off of my shoulders. I can’t take the emotional abuse anymore.
I don’t like your reponses. Did you ever consider that that woman is mean,…that the man hasn’t done anything wrong? Where’s the woman’s responsibility for self-control?
Wow, sounds like 3 of us had the same GF!
ha make that 4 of us ill bend over backwords for her and it still isnt enough i had to go to tranng for work and she got mad because i went … i had to go or i would get fired… and to her it didnt matter… i am a mechanic i work from 6 in the morning tell almost 8 at night and when i get home im tired dirty and just want to unwind and if i decide to just call it a night and relax she comes off the hanger and says that i dont love her because im not spending time with her… i see her almost every night and almost every weekend … enough is enough
Yeah make that five of us. It doesn’t matter how much I work, how much I spend on her or what she always bitches and wants more. She will ask me why I don’t do more for her and when I point out she doesn’t do jack shit for me, ever, she tells me that she comes here. Like it’s some Great fucking gift that I get to listen to bitching. Gee thanks…I think I’ll pass.
Holly,
I wish it were as cut and dry as you listed here. I work hard during the day, then come home, clean the house, play with the kids, do yardwork, often cook and then clean up, and put the kids to bed. Meanwhile my wife comes home from work, gets a glass of wine, works on her hobbies, and yells at me for whatever small thing Ive forgotten to do (maybe I left my shoes by the door or something).
Sadly, I do not see anything changing, since I see now that her mom is the exact same way toward her dad. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree I suppose.
I think you left out that sometimes your significant other is just an unrelenting boo boo head. [Original language edited by site owner.]
gen is mean
Make that six. Are you sure we arn’t all dating the same girl?
I literally spoiled this girl to death and all i ever got was emotional abuse. Nothing was ever good enough. I always felt like it was my fault and whenever I brought up how I felt, she would disregard it.
Seriously, these girls all have NPD. Read up on it and i guarantee she will have all the symptoms! Stay away from these girls. They are a ‘black hole’ of emotional needs. Nothing will ever be good enough for them.
In all of my teenage nor adult life, I’ve never had a girlfriend because of the things I’ve observed. I could be guy #7, but I have this odd curse called Logic and Rationality. So instead I just observed how each and every relationship around me seemed to fail. The longer the relationship, the harder it failed.
I’d try to advise my friends against dating, but they’d do it anyway, and I’d have to drive them home when they got super drunk because she demands everything, gives nothing of use, and is never in the wrong, -EVER-. For every “point” Holly makes, I could write a 2 page paper on why that’s usually not the case, but that would be rude since this is your site, not mine.
I just wanted to comment on the fact that the reasons listed are just “Man’s fault. Man’s fault. Man’s fault”, and not a single one of them is “She might just be a living, breathing, fanny”. I hope this doesn’t imply that you never think that it’s the woman’s fault, or generally lean towards it being the man’s fault 90% of the time, because -THAT- is what actually causes wives/girlfriends to be mean to you. The notion that “He isn’t giving me this! He’s the worst person in the world!” rather than “He has things he needs to do, and maybe I’m asking for too much, or asking for it at the wrong times”.
We have to consider that in some relationships, only the man is working. In others, both members work, but the male has more of a physically demanding job. The female is allegedly supposed to mean the world to you, but I often observe that they don’t return the favor.
All in all, we need to open our minds, and stop this one-sided foolishness. I can tell when something is my fault, and I’ll apologize for it if it is. I’m just very disappointed that a majority of the females I’ve talked to can’t do the same.
I’m another one beeing treated like shit an no appreation for any thing just kicked in the guts an told I’m the worst kind of man all I want is my wife to love me an treat me with respect 18 years you think that should have something but I get to spend my Xmas by myself she takes the kids to her family’s I’m home alone till boxing day yer great Xmas I must say NOT.First away from my kids how I missed them just so she could spend Xmas with her family but they have fun. I am lost for words now after putting up with this for 10 months heartless I say what dose a person ever do to deserv this I myself could not not do that to my worst enermy now after using me again she wants me out again do I go I love her an my children very much never think of leaving all of them I know she wants me gone but part of me do nt want to give in to her ?