Hi. I made this interesting discovery. Apparently guys read my blog. I was a little surprised at all of the REALLY nice emails from guys about how mean that my husband forgot my birthday! Wow–thanks. SO, I made some joke posts to guys in the past. Now, I decided to write a real post to guys. And on a very critical topic: why your girl is mean to you.
Guys, the bad news is, there are probably many reasons why your wife or girlfriend is mean to you. If I met you or at least saw a photo of you, I could probably name at least 10 of the reasons within 5 minutes. BUT, since this isn’t the case, I can only tell you the probable reasons she is mean to you based on my experience of having known many, many girls in relationships. And from a few relationships of my own. Here we go:
1. You don’t listen. She tells you things that are really important to her a million times. You keep doing the same annoying stuff. What is she supposed to do, jump for joy? (Yes, I realize you have heard these words–you should have listened, then you wouldn’t need to read this.) What to do: Listen. This doesn’t mean “open your ears and hear her.” This means DO something differently. Obviously you can’t do everything she wants–by the time you get to the stage where she’s fed up with you not listening, there is a very long list of things she wants you to change. That’s fine.
Just change the important one or ones. Which is this? This is the thing that when you do it, she no longer reacts with words. She either begins to slam things, yell (but not about the thing, just words that don’t really make sense, but still convey a very angry message), or gets super silent with a really red face and just kind of goes from place to place trying to get away from you for a few minutes. When this happens, try to ask yourself “What thing has she mentioned did I do right before she started [insert behavior such as slamming things]?” If you can stop doing that thing, she’ll feel that you have listened. At least for a while.
2. You ignore her. (This involves #1 because it’s one of those things she keeps saying that keeps happening. But it’s still an additional and very important issue.) Yes, I know–when you are ready to spend time with her, she’s doing her stuff. Well, still. She needs attention. You must figure out how to give it to her if you want her to be nice. Remember: Attention doesn’t mean 3 hours a day–she’s WAY too busy talking to her friends on the phone, taking care of children, or shopping for that kind of time commitment. We’re talking 10-15 minutes of sitting with her when she seems to need your company. What to do: It’s SO not hard–basically say–hey, let’s TALK! Don’t worry, this means something totally different to her than it does to you. To you, it’s doomsday. To her, it’s pleasure island.
When she sits down, do NOT stare at her blankly. Write down these questions and refer to them (sneakily) if you need to: 1) How did your day go? 2) Did you figure out what to do about that problem you mentioned the other day? [When she asks which problem, you're going to need to be prepared--think about this one in advance. I can't give you any definites, but common problems tend to be problems with an annoying acquaintance, boss, or coworker. For stay-at-home moms, another stay-at-home mom or a discipline issue with the kids.] 3) As she tells you the answer, do NOT tell her she handled it incorrectly!!!! You have NO idea what you’re talking about. Just say things like “oh really? ” or “hm, that was an original idea.” also a really good one: “oh, that would work in a lot of scenarios.” Trust me, this will take 15-12 minutes, and she’ll be really happy. Also, this may feel fake–trust me again, this is what your girl is doing when you’re talking about your job. She doesn’t really care about all aspects of your job that she pretends to care about, but she wants to make you feel important. It won’t kill you to do the same.
Now, you could have this issue: you sit down to talk, and she immediately starts griping about #1–I know, this is probably one of the reasons you hate talking. That’s understandable. Try saying, “Hey, I know these things are really important. But I just want to be with you and hear about your day. Tell me how you…” then continue with above suggestion.
3) You create so much work for her, yet do so little work. I know, some guys do work and help. The problem is most guys THINK they do, but really they don’t. See, she yells about your towels and clothes on the floor–why? Not because she wants to be mean. Because she’s tired, and picking up these things is extra work. Plus, the only reason she HAS to pick them up is because you didn’t. Not fair. Sorry, simply not fair. What to do: Listen to the work you create for her, and stop doing it. If you ask, she might start yelling. So, choose a time while she already is yelling about it, and try to listen for key words rather than totally tuning out: “towel” or “fingernail clippings” or “DISHES.” I know, the yelling goes on for a long time and about many various topics, all kind of in a stream. BUT, if you can pick out those important key words, and then stop creating one or two types of unfair work, you’re on your way to having a great week next week!
Wow, that took a lot of explaining. I don’t like super long posts, so I will sign off now. I will post more along these lines soon. Also, I realize there are many things your girlfriend and wife need to change. I’ve changed over 9 years of marriage, so I might be able to tell you how my husband helped that happen. Soon.