Why Your Wife or Girlfriend Acts Mean

Hi. I made this interesting discovery. Apparently guys read my blog. I was a little surprised at all of the REALLY nice emails from guys about how mean that my husband forgot my birthday! Wow–thanks. SO, I made some joke posts to guys in the past. Now, I decided to write a real post to guys. And on a very critical topic: why your girl is mean to you.

Guys, the bad news is, there are probably many reasons why your wife or girlfriend is mean to you. If I met you or at least saw a photo of you, I could probably name at least 10 of the reasons within 5 minutes. BUT, since this isn’t the case, I can only tell you the probable reasons she is mean to you based on my experience of having known many, many girls in relationships. And from a few relationships of my own. Here we go:

1. You don’t listen. She tells you things that are really important to her a million times. You keep doing the same annoying stuff. What is she supposed to do, jump for joy? (Yes, I realize you have heard these words–you should have listened, then you wouldn’t need to read this.) What to do: Listen. This doesn’t mean “open your ears and hear her.” This means DO something differently. Obviously you can’t do everything she wants–by the time you get to the stage where she’s fed up with you not listening, there is a very long list of things she wants you to change. That’s fine.

Just change the important one or ones. Which is this? This is the thing that when you do it, she no longer reacts with words. She either begins to slam things, yell (but not about the thing, just words that don’t really make sense, but still convey a very angry message), or gets super silent with a really red face and just kind of goes from place to place trying to get away from you for a few minutes. When this happens, try to ask yourself “What thing has she mentioned did I do right before she started [insert behavior such as slamming things]?” If you can stop doing that thing, she’ll feel that you have listened. At least for a while.

2. You ignore her. (This involves #1 because it’s one of those things she keeps saying that keeps happening. But it’s still an additional and very important issue.) Yes, I know–when you are ready to spend time with her, she’s doing her stuff. Well, still. She needs attention. You must figure out how to give it to her if you want her to be nice. Remember: Attention doesn’t mean 3 hours a day–she’s WAY too busy talking to her friends on the phone, taking care of children, or shopping for that kind of time commitment. We’re talking 10-15 minutes of sitting with her when she seems to need your company. What to do: It’s SO not hard–basically say–hey, let’s TALK! Don’t worry, this means something totally different to her than it does to you. To you, it’s doomsday. To her, it’s pleasure island.

When she sits down, do NOT stare at her blankly. Write down these questions and refer to them (sneakily) if you need to: 1) How did your day go? 2) Did you figure out what to do about that problem you mentioned the other day? [When she asks which problem, you're going to need to be prepared--think about this one in advance. I can't give you any definites, but common problems tend to be problems with an annoying acquaintance, boss, or coworker. For stay-at-home moms, another stay-at-home mom or a discipline issue with the kids.] 3) As she tells you the answer, do NOT tell her she handled it incorrectly!!!! You have NO idea what you’re talking about. Just say things like “oh really? ” or “hm, that was an original idea.” also a really good one: “oh, that would work in a lot of scenarios.” Trust me, this will take 15-12 minutes, and she’ll be really happy. Also, this may feel fake–trust me again, this is what your girl is doing when you’re talking about your job. She doesn’t really care about all aspects of your job that she pretends to care about, but she wants to make you feel important. It won’t kill you to do the same.

Now, you could have this issue: you sit down to talk, and she immediately starts griping about #1–I know, this is probably one of the reasons you hate talking. That’s understandable. Try saying, “Hey, I know these things are really important. But I just want to be with you and hear about your day. Tell me how you…” then continue with above suggestion.

3) You create so much work for her, yet do so little work. I know, some guys do work and help. The problem is most guys THINK they do, but really they don’t. See, she yells about your towels and clothes on the floor–why? Not because she wants to be mean. Because she’s tired, and picking up these things is extra work. Plus, the only reason she HAS to pick them up is because you didn’t. Not fair. Sorry, simply not fair. What to do: Listen to the work you create for her, and stop doing it. If you ask, she might start yelling. So, choose a time while she already is yelling about it, and try to listen for key words rather than totally tuning out: “towel” or “fingernail clippings” or “DISHES.” I know, the yelling goes on for a long time and about many various topics, all kind of in a stream. BUT, if you can pick out those important key words, and then stop creating one or two types of unfair work, you’re on your way to having a great week next week!

Wow, that took a lot of explaining. I don’t like super long posts, so I will sign off now. I will post more along these lines soon. Also, I realize there are many things your girlfriend and wife need to change. I’ve changed over 9 years of marriage, so I might be able to tell you how my husband helped that happen. Soon.

21 Responses to “Why Your Wife or Girlfriend Acts Mean”

  1. Hi,

    I came across your blog through Blog Search Engine and I really like it! You are so right in saying that husbands “create so much work for her, yet do so little work.” I have my own blog also, where I rant much like you do – it is definitely more productive than fighting. Ha ha – hope to read more from you.

  2. Hi Dreamwalker,

    Thank you! Yes, the creating work theme is highly under-discussed, don’t you think? I would discuss it with my husband, except that we have the added issue of…work that he does usually causing additional problems.

    Oh, but that’s a topic for another day. Thank you for visiting, and I hope your guy creates minimal work for you this whole, entire spring:)

    –Holly Kay

  3. Holly! I was looking at your most popular posts and saw this…my first comment in your blog, lol. I loved reading it again, and just printed it to give to my husband…cross your fingers :D

  4. It is because we are bored and want to wind men up and like it when they get angry at us…it turns us on!

  5. Holly,

    Your above explanations make sense. But is there a possibility that a girlfriend can be mean because she’s in the wrong?

    I recently had to break up with a girl I loved because no matter what I did for her, she treated me like crap, and never really did anything for me. She acted like she was doing me a favor just by virtue of being my girlfriend. We’re both adults and should’ve been able to have an adult relationship, but in her mind a relationship is just the boyfriend’s duty to convince her to stay with him everyday; obviously my effort and my patience drained quickly. She never even stayed at my apartment because she never felt like commuting (its a 15 minute subway ride), so I did, almost everyday. Obviously one of my worst mistakes was being too amicable to her demands.

    If I didn’t give her all she wanted all the time, she fed me the worst verbal and emotional abuse imaginable. After even the shortest fight, she’d hang out with other guys to infuriate me, though she never cheated. Obviously we stopped being friends months before I broke it off, and our physical relationship ended about 2 months before. We never had closure because I was never able to say anything to her. I was never able to express what I felt if it would upset her because she was so short fused.

    Now I’m worried all of this may have been my fault. Please dispel my fear and reassure me that there’s plenty of bad apples out there and I just happened to pick one.

  6. Aw Drew, you’re making me all sad. I always try to pretend that boyfriends like you don’t exist, so the ones who barely try (like my husband) are doing just fine!

    I think that girl sounds like a stereotypical narcissist. That is a person who basically think people are wrong when they don’t want to do everything to meet his/her needs, and it’s impossible

    Obviously, I’m just going by your blog comment–you could also be the narcissist turning it all around on us! But for me, these things signal a narcissist: 1) you always feel like it’s your fault and 2) you can NEVER get closure and 3) you’re afraid to bring things up because the narcissist will feel completely shocked at your accusations (even though everyone else seems to think your points are logical and normal).

    I’m no expert. I have had a “friend” and unfortunately an in-law who are narcissists. I read up on the internet about that type, and it made me feel much better. Hopefully you’ll get some closure. It doesn’t sound like your fault, for whatever that’s worth:)

  7. Drew, your post has just crepily described my girlfriend. It makes me wonder if were talking about the same girl! I’m ALWAYS WRONG! even if i know that its a FACT that I’m right. If i want the argument to stop b/c I’m tired I will just shut down and say “ok you’re right”. I feel like such a p*&&#. If i deny ANY request of hers whether it be “come over to my house” any mundane thing like that…she will get mad at me like I just kicked her dog. So, in order to avoid a fight, I just comply.

    I work from early in the morning until 2 in the afternoon and then go to school after that. I’m Always tired. She has even physically abused me over little things that just escalated. One day, I couldn’t take anymore and I started yelling at her at the top of my lungs. She was yelling at me at the top of her lungs in my ear so I couldn’t handle it. When I stopped yelling, she said she would break up with me if I don’t get anger management. I barely ever flip out like that. She flips out all the time over the smallest stuff.

    So, I know you’re asking, “why are you still with her?” b/c I have seen the good sides of her. She has a good heart. She’s very generous when she wants to be. She rescued me at a very rough time in my life and we fell in love. We have a deep connection most can’t understand, but she hurts me on a daily basis. I spend so much money on her all the time, and she is very ungreatful. It’s not like I rub it in her face that I’m buying her stuff….but I can tell she isn’t greatful. I’m done ranting. I’m sorry for talking this terribly about someone I love and care about, but I just had to get this off of my shoulders. I can’t take the emotional abuse anymore.

  8. I don’t like your reponses. Did you ever consider that that woman is mean,…that the man hasn’t done anything wrong? Where’s the woman’s responsibility for self-control?

  9. Wow, sounds like 3 of us had the same GF!

  10. ha make that 4 of us ill bend over backwords for her and it still isnt enough i had to go to tranng for work and she got mad because i went … i had to go or i would get fired… and to her it didnt matter… i am a mechanic i work from 6 in the morning tell almost 8 at night and when i get home im tired dirty and just want to unwind and if i decide to just call it a night and relax she comes off the hanger and says that i dont love her because im not spending time with her… i see her almost every night and almost every weekend … enough is enough

  11. Yeah make that five of us. It doesn’t matter how much I work, how much I spend on her or what she always bitches and wants more. She will ask me why I don’t do more for her and when I point out she doesn’t do jack shit for me, ever, she tells me that she comes here. Like it’s some Great fucking gift that I get to listen to bitching. Gee thanks…I think I’ll pass.

  12. Holly,

    I wish it were as cut and dry as you listed here. I work hard during the day, then come home, clean the house, play with the kids, do yardwork, often cook and then clean up, and put the kids to bed. Meanwhile my wife comes home from work, gets a glass of wine, works on her hobbies, and yells at me for whatever small thing Ive forgotten to do (maybe I left my shoes by the door or something).

    Sadly, I do not see anything changing, since I see now that her mom is the exact same way toward her dad. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree I suppose.

  13. I think you left out that sometimes your significant other is just an unrelenting boo boo head. [Original language edited by site owner.]

  14. gen is mean :(

  15. Make that six. Are you sure we arn’t all dating the same girl?

    I literally spoiled this girl to death and all i ever got was emotional abuse. Nothing was ever good enough. I always felt like it was my fault and whenever I brought up how I felt, she would disregard it.

    Seriously, these girls all have NPD. Read up on it and i guarantee she will have all the symptoms! Stay away from these girls. They are a ‘black hole’ of emotional needs. Nothing will ever be good enough for them.

  16. In all of my teenage nor adult life, I’ve never had a girlfriend because of the things I’ve observed. I could be guy #7, but I have this odd curse called Logic and Rationality. So instead I just observed how each and every relationship around me seemed to fail. The longer the relationship, the harder it failed.

    I’d try to advise my friends against dating, but they’d do it anyway, and I’d have to drive them home when they got super drunk because she demands everything, gives nothing of use, and is never in the wrong, -EVER-. For every “point” Holly makes, I could write a 2 page paper on why that’s usually not the case, but that would be rude since this is your site, not mine.

    I just wanted to comment on the fact that the reasons listed are just “Man’s fault. Man’s fault. Man’s fault”, and not a single one of them is “She might just be a living, breathing, fanny”. I hope this doesn’t imply that you never think that it’s the woman’s fault, or generally lean towards it being the man’s fault 90% of the time, because -THAT- is what actually causes wives/girlfriends to be mean to you. The notion that “He isn’t giving me this! He’s the worst person in the world!” rather than “He has things he needs to do, and maybe I’m asking for too much, or asking for it at the wrong times”.

    We have to consider that in some relationships, only the man is working. In others, both members work, but the male has more of a physically demanding job. The female is allegedly supposed to mean the world to you, but I often observe that they don’t return the favor.

    All in all, we need to open our minds, and stop this one-sided foolishness. I can tell when something is my fault, and I’ll apologize for it if it is. I’m just very disappointed that a majority of the females I’ve talked to can’t do the same.

  17. I’m another one beeing treated like shit an no appreation for any thing just kicked in the guts an told I’m the worst kind of man all I want is my wife to love me an treat me with respect 18 years you think that should have something but I get to spend my Xmas by myself she takes the kids to her family’s I’m home alone till boxing day yer great Xmas I must say NOT.First away from my kids how I missed them just so she could spend Xmas with her family but they have fun. I am lost for words now after putting up with this for 10 months heartless I say what dose a person ever do to deserv this I myself could not not do that to my worst enermy now after using me again she wants me out again do I go I love her an my children very much never think of leaving all of them I know she wants me gone but part of me do nt want to give in to her ?

  18. Hi all. I must say that i really enjoy the blog. I know we have all had some bad experience with some men (or women) but there are times when being in a relationship is great. I recently started the blog to discuss those funny / odd stories that we all have when in a relationship.

    I would love for you to check it out and add any stories that you may have.

    http://hdiffy.com/wordpress
    (How Did I Fall For You)

    Thanks,

    - – - Deepak

  19. Sometimes I feel the same as Drew. I love my gf w all my heart, I can never stop thinking about her and all i ever want to do is be with her. She is my best friend and most amazing person ever. She does a lot for me and I appreciate that and I make sure she knows that. I’m just confuse because she is always up and down and I’m not just saying that because I’m a guy. The problem with her is that she is sooo mean, like I mean absolutely mean Hispanic gf. Last night she got mad at me because I took her to a club that I haven’t gone to in a long time. When I used to go I would go w my best friend (who’s a guy). But we would go there because its like a house/techno club, a place where we dont have to go up to girls and grind up on them like animals. Here we can just jump around and have agood time without having to “hit” on girls. So I take my gf there (but before all this shes been getting mad at me because i haven’t taken her there. The reason to that is becuase I been waiting for the best time to go. Shes the type of girl who doesnt like house/techno music and likes hip/hop and country. So I was waitin for the best time that a dj would play something she would like. I told her that to) So finally we go and its a dissaster! She hated it and i agree it was not the best time to go because it was a trashy night to go, weird creeper guys were there. but that was not my fault and she jsut turned into a mean dragon and blamed me, eventhough i warned her that it was a risky time to go at. Then the next day anything i say (nothing bad or stupid, just like lets try to save on money and not got to Panera Bread lets go to Taco Bell instead) and she just is fed up with me and rude. I love my gf with all my heart and want to get married to her but she is so mean and says the most hurtful things anybody has said to me. and I just want to know that she wont treat me like that for the rest of my life. I dont know why I’m here. I also jsut wanted to let it out because I’m sick of hiding this. Now i hope she never sees these.

  20. make me #9 and this is my wife im talking about?? of 13 yrs, i just dont get it. i went from being a very smart logical good guy her words a good father i think i still retain that title sumtimes i wonder from her neway i now i am just by what my kids say and the type of adults they have become, c we i btwn us we have 4 2 of which are grown and on their own and they are good peopl…one that is 16 (my baby girl) and yes i do spoil her and always have, my wife is step mom to her but shes been around 13 of 16 yrs. and lately she has gotten mean to her as well as me… i do nothing rite i am forever wrong about everything and not being conceded i am not an ignorant man. one thing ive noticed is its not just me that she takes her idk what out on its the poor girl at the grocery dept.l store neone who does not get it rite she has no patience for imperfection and i dont get it as i ve aged ive become more laid bac not that i was alot different vefore i just seem to pick my battles nemore. idk where all this anger came from i used to call her my lil hippie…and thats what she was but not nemore i have a new word for her and i try really hard not to use it i wont lie it does come out once n a while but damn how much do i take the constant put downs attitude im a grown ass man i work every day and im good at what i do i work around the house take care of all the in home maint. all the outside work the vehicle maint and do most of the child rearing… ji cook ok i dont do dishes alot ok almost never i have kids so sue me, i admit there are sum days when its my day off i mite not do a damn thing but play with my 5 yr old son and we tend to make a mess but we clean it up just no fast enuff for her….so am i wrong…. i dont think i am and if i am i say so and apologize for it….i try to communicate with her but thatrs a dead horse, that i refuse to beat ne longer, i feel a lil betr, so if ne one has a respinse its very welcome, thanks

  21. Hi my girl is the same I mean I carnt do nothing right last week it was my birthday oh and guess what nothing even tho I gave her the cash to buy me some thing but 2 days after mine was her dads and guess what a 300 pound pc probaly bought with my money that I work for she’s always nasty to me hast got the time or the day to give me she’s got no job sits at home all day now I work 13 hours a day to provide for both of us ohh and when I eventualy get home from work I get nothing to eat get called a basterd and to go boil me head if I want tea she constintly moans that its tired (( because she had to turn the tv over probaly ))). And if I don’t go out and buy her tea it kickes off even tho I’m paying for tea twice ??? Now she uses my car I payed for her to pass her test so she can find a job. Noooo she just runs famlie members round in it uses all the fule on her piss head dad I wouldn’t mind he asnt had a wash in about 6 months. And she goes off on 1 if there’s no fule in the car. Basicy I’m just there to supply her with money and a free house and car nothing else. Now I know this isn’t right. We got engaged about 8 months ago but there’s been plenty of times when she goes out with freinds she leves her ring on the side. Like yesterday. It was by the sink. She says she takes it off to do dishes. But dishes wernt touched I had to do them ????? Don’t know. 6 out of 7 days she will leve the house in a complete shit hole 5 mins before I get in from work she will go out ohh and soft me tides up am I being taken for a free ride ??

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