Husband Clothes

Hi again. This is the outfit my husband wore last weekend to visit friends. I know the ladies are staring at the screen either feeling really superior to me (because their husbands dress much better than this) or a great deal of relief, thinking “Wow, I used to be so embarrassed by my husband’s clothes, but now I see that it could be so much worse.” I hope guys are thinking “Yeah, those clothes are pretty bad” rather than things like “Hey, where can I get a pair of those?”

In summary:
1) I don’t even know what this style of pants is called. But I do know it shouldn’t be worn anywhere other than a gym.

2) Guys: If you are determined to wear pants like these despite the critical fashion tip you just received, at LEAST be kind enough not to wear them on a DATE–in my marriage, a date includes visiting friends–yes, I’m aware that’s sad.

3) Did you notice the color of the T-shirt? It’s black. It also has a yellow and red logo on it. Black, yellow, and red T-shirts don’t even match themselves. Black T-shirts are nearly always ugly. I know, some guys like to look like rockers–well, I can’t really help those people. I’m just saying, this shirt clashes with its very own self.

4) Why would anyone choose a black T-shirt to wear with blue pants with white stripes? My gosh, my husband is an ARTIST. A REALLY GOOD ONE. He has a master’s degree in fine arts. He learned a LOT about color theory. Doesn’t it seem like that should involve how colors go together???? There’s just no excuse for this.

Despite all appearances (ha ha, good pun), this gray cloud does have a silver lining. For the past 5 years, my husband has only worn winter clothes, including in the summer in Los Angeles when it’s 110 degrees–I’m talking not one T-shirt, not one time–only sweatshirts, sweaters, and the two-shirt trick thing. It’s very bizarre. When we go to stores together, strangers have come up to me and said, “Wow, I bet your husband’s really burning up! Why’s he wearing a sweatshirt in this heat?” ALL OF OUR FRIENDS ask me every time we see them in the summer “Why’s he wearing winter clothes?” To say it confuses people isn’t quite the right wording. It confounds them–kind of like when my husband tries to tell jokes (see an example here). If you have lived in LA in the summer, then you know what I mean.

SO, the upside is that MY HUSBAND WORE SUMMER CLOTHES!!! I am amazed, overjoyed, and not quite sure where this new thing will go. Granted, every day this week, though I think it’s been around 80 degrees, he has worn fleece sweatshirts to work. Hey, let’s see what happens next weekend. Maybe he’ll break out a whole ‘nother T-shirt. I don’t really mind if it’s black, yellow, and red–I mean, I do, but my standards are pretty much rock bottom–anything with short sleeves will do.

Hi again. Technically this blog’s main purpose is inquiring about and analyzing men. (Okay, and making fun of them.) This is certainly not to say that females shouldn’t be made fun of or laughed at. My husband, for example, makes fun of and laughs at me constantly, especially when I am in serious need of comforting and advice (because he thinks his jokes cheer people up when actually they perplex people as I explained here…)

ANYWAY, I recently watched the movie “My Super Ex-Girlfriend” starring Luke Wilson (the hottest, funniest actor in Hollywood, though his brother Owen is more famous). I strongly recommend that you check this movie out. Now, the reviews weren’t great. But I loved this movie.

Here’s why: Uma Thermon does the best job ever of enacting and exaggerating tendencies of women, but especially those of insecure ladies, like being super jealous, gripey, and nervous–but the way she does it is SO FUNNY. Had me laughing out loud in numerous parts. Luke Wilson is also hilarious, playing the easy-going, nice guy. Other characters too. Watch the trailer and see what you think–even the TRAILER makes me laugh (sorry, there is a boring ad before the trailer, but this is the best quality one I could find):

http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi1419247897/

Also, if you are looking for a good, cheap rental plan, note that Netflix has a $4.99 a month plan right now! No late fees.

When my husband gets involved with planning, a REALLY efficient, inexpensive, easy plan gets turned into something horribly expensive, overwhelming, and extremely difficult to accomplish for numerous reasons.

Perfect example: our recent emergency preparedness conversations. My husband actually has some very valid experience. He lived in a country that was turned upside down overnight due to connections with the economy of Russia in the early 1990’s. He witnessed a whole nation of people who lived very comfortably become a population of mostly unemployed, desperate, hungry people very quickly. They lost electricity, running water, and for a time, it’s amazing that people figured out how to survive. But they did, and my husband was one of them. SO, one would think that this experience taught him some REAL efficient, inexpensive survival skills, yes? Well, I’ll tell you this story, and you decide.

Because we are in Hollywood, it makes sense to prepare for an earthquake. We sat down together to list items we’d need for an emergency. I had about 10 critical items in mind–stuff like food, cash, water, flashlights, and a radio. After conferring with my husband, the list grew to 100 items, including things like flotation devices, raincoats, tea, and honey. (I am not joking, the list actually included these items.) Naturally, this list did not get purchased–too many things, much too expensive, and no place to store these numerous items.

However, with all the recent stuff about food shortages and Costco limiting rice sales, and so on, it seemed prudent to revisit the list. So, I said, “You know, we really should probably get some emergency type items. But that list we made was too long–let’s get a few things now that we’d really need in the case of an earthquake or other emergency.” I’m thinking water (still don’t even have that), weather radio, map, pocket knife.

My husband says, “Well, two things I can think of right off hand would be a SHOVEL or LARGE STICK and a LARGE PLASTIC BOX.”

You can imagine my facial expression as he said this. It was kind of a tilted head, perplexed, confused, frustrated type look. But giving him the benefit of the doubt, I asked why we might need these things. The stick/shovel is to dig the car out should it lose traction while driving out of town (hu?!? We’re in Hollywood, not the Amazon jungle), and the box is to store all of the other things we get.

So, there you have it. Emergency preparedness from an expert who’s lived through a severe crisis and learned…hmmmm, a lot from it.

Many people emailed me about my post on my husband’s odd sense of humor to tell me that I’m not alone. It was nice to learn that other spouses and significant others out there tell bizarre, show-stopper jokes. (By “show-stopper,” I mean, socially all’s going well, then your husband tells a joke, which causes an abrupt silence and everyone sits there looking around confused and nervous for 2-3 minutes.)

This happens nearly EVERY time my husband tells a joke. Fortunately, reactions to my husband’s jokes are highly amusing to watch, so I no longer need a husband with a funny sense of humor. Mine has a sense of humor that does funny things. It’s almost the same. My standards sound low? Well, that’s because they are. (But they used to be much higher, so ha, I told you.)

By the way, yes, my husband knows all about this, and if he reads this post, trust me, it’ll make him proud and not embarrassed in the least. He even has a joke about his jokes: The ones that really confuse people are “Level 7.” The ones people laugh at are “Level 1.” (He jokes that this means Level 1 are just easy to understand, whereas Level 7’s are much funnier, so much harder to understand. Now, that joke is funny.)

Since my last post on this topic, I’ve been waiting for a good example of one of his jokes. Today, the perfect “joke” surfaced. Get ready:

I read a scary article about stocking up on food (basically that people in the US should due to the global market). My husband LOVES Costco and bulk-buying. So, I emailed him and said, “Hey, look at this scary article. Maybe we should get some extra food at Costco every weekend for a while, like canned stuff, rice, etc.”

His response (verbatim): “Yes, also we should get a small house in Central America. It’s not expensive there, and we could go if there is a crisis in the weather. If not, we can sell it when the prices rise.” (Seem confusing? Not at all funny? I’m right there with ya.)

To understand this story, you have to think in terms of the male mind and potential internet searches they might do. Not all men of course, but we’re talking general population here.

SO, when you have young boys as I do, occasionally you see those male tendencies surfacing. Sometimes it’s terrifying. Other times, it’s hilarious.

I realize this is my husband blog and not my children blog (which I also have, oh, and I have others too–you don’t even want to start talking to me about blogs). BUT because of the topic of the last article, I can’t resist sharing this story. Earlier this year, my son (first grader) became interested in doing internet searches. Yeah, I know, you’re already scared of what I’m going to say, and I don’t blame you.

One day he wanted to do a search, plus asked me to leave the room. I enjoyed that. And, being much sneakier than my sweet little first grader, I left the room until I heard him stop tying–then I ran in before any search results could pop up. Well, as it turned out, he didn’t remember to push “enter” (which made finding the topic of his search even simpler than I expected). So, note that this includes his very own first grader spelling, which is deciphered below the photo. Here is what I found:

Can you make that out? Think first grader spelling. Think first grader past-times–playing, drawing, reading, video games, sports. (Spelling deciphered: “how to draw a butt”)

I love these articles that help me learn about the psychology of men, and namely, the psychology of my husband.

This article is scientific in nature. It’s on livescience.com–it doesn’t get much more scientific than that. I am positive this article was NOT supposed to be humorous or funny. However, I was laughing aloud as I read it.

I recommend that you read it: Clueless Guys Can’t Read Women. Then correct me if I’m wrong, here’s basically what the article says:

1) Don’t misread the title. It doesn’t mean “Only some guys are clueless–those guys can’t read women.” The title actually means “All guys are clueless and unable to read women.”

2) If you smile at a guy for any reason, he thinks you’re flirting. Frankly, I find this alarming. Girls smile at guys they feel sorry for, guys they are scared of, even guys they hate–just to make a situation less awkward. So, in summary, I guess this means geeks, psychopaths, and evil ex’s all over the world think girls are flirting with them when really they are just trying to think of a way to escape–the room, the seating arrangement, whatever.

3) Guys mistake friendliness for sexual come-on’s. Great, so, pretend you are a guy, and you need a dollar–say for a drink. If I give you this dollar to avoid thirsting to death, and I give it to you and smile (because I feel sorry for you at this moment)–does this imply I want to have SEX with you? I am assuming the answer is no. But based on this article, I am VERY nervous that the answer might be “yes.”

4) Guys mistake girls’ sexual signals as friendly ones. I love this. In this study, each guy was shown 280 photographs. In the ones that showed a female actually being alluring, most guys reported that she was giving friendly signals. Okay, so, if a girl smiles at a guy, she wants to have sex. If she, say, winks and gives him the sexy eye (not sure what that is, just trying to think of something alluring-sounding), she’s trying to be friends?

5) A common theory on guys’ misinterpretations, one of psychologists apparently, goes like this: due to the fact that men have an inherent, biologically based interest in sex, guys have lower standards for what qualifies as a sexual advance. However, the psychologists who designed this study said, “No, it’s not that guys have lower standards. It’s just that guys really can’t read signals correctly.”

Summary
So, it kind of seems like we’re back to square one here. Guys read women’s signals incorrectly. They interpret friendly signals as sexual ones–so to be sure we don’t tease anyone, girls should be careful about smiling, using nice voices, and generally being friendly. Guys interpret sexual signals as friendly ones. SO, if you are a girl trying to make sexual advances, don’t be surprised if you get invited to partake in a burping contest instead.

I hope you feel as enlightened as I do.

I have mentioned before my odd (and embarrassing) dreams about hot movie stars wanting to date me. Well, now it’s gone to a whole new level. Last night I dreamed that Vladimir Putin wanted to date me. Do I think about Putin in my daily life? Almost never. Do I think he’s hot? Never really thought about it, but now that you mention it, well, he’s not…Hold on, I’m not getting cornered into saying Vladimir Putin is hot. But who cares if he’s hot? That is no excuse to be having dreams about dating a world leader. Having this type of dream definitely means I’m strange, and not in an intriguing, sophisticated type way… That makes me very sad, but there’s really no time to dwell on it right now.

ANYWAY, we went on a date. Strange detail: the date took place in a rundown cafeteria. Do you like Russian stuff? If so, you know that Putin is rumored to be the richest man in all of Europe due to the way he’s handled Russia’s vast oil supplies and Europe’s dependency on it. I don’t think a cafeteria would be his first choice for a date. Probably something more along the lines of a chartered jet to his favorite private little hub in the Swiss Alps. BUT for a date with me, rundown public cafeteria–yet another unhealthy sign of the state of my self-esteem.

So, Putin kept trying to hold my hand, and I didn’t like it. Then he kept trying to ask me on another date, and I kept saying, “Aren’t you married?” But got no answer. It was a very awkward date, and I kept wanting to talk about fun stuff, but Putin was just trying to say smart things and mean things about other world leaders. Also, he did look handsome, but his pants were pulled too high, which was extremely bothersome.

Anyway, the dream ended without closure, and that was it. Of course, while awake, I know the biggest billionaire power mongrel in Europe would sooner spit in my direction than ask me out. I promise if you met me, you would think I’m totally normal, though I do realize that it must seem I am attention-starved, have ego issues, or just am really flaky or just plain stupid.

That said, I would be happy to hear word from any counselors, neurologists, or dream experts who can heal me. Thanks.

PS. If you do enjoy keeping up with Russian headlines or any headlines for that matter, you may have heard of Kindle–if no, click here to learn more. It’s a portable electronic device that stores all kinds of subscriptions to newspapers, magazines, etc.

I don’t know about you, but I get blamed for some ODD things.  Here are a few examples from this week:

1.) Not watching the YouTube videos my husband sends me via Instant Messenger. He sends like 5 of them a day, and then checks up on me to see if I’ve watched them. If I didn’t, he starts with the irritated comments, “Oh, well that’s too bad. That was REALLY funny.” or “Hm. Then when I tell you about the newstory about Russia, don’t start asking a ton of questions–it was all there in the YouTube video.” (Uhhhhh, sure thing.)

2.) Broken lemon tree branch. We have a lemon tree in our yard which was almost dead when we moved in, but I nursed that baby back to health. (Important detail: my husband never sets foot in the yard–including to lay the sod, mow, or water the lawn, all of which I did/do single-handedly and felt/feel very proud of myself for.) However, I never had a lemon tree, so I don’t know when to pick lemons. Well, recently, a fairly large branch got too weighed down by numerous huge lemons that apparently grew too large. And the branch broke off and fell in the yard. This was very sad for me but…hey, learning experience.

Out of the blue, my husband, who couldn’t care less about the yard or plants in it, got soooooo annoyed. “Didn’t you know you needed to pick the lemons? Why didn’t you just go pick them? Now this whole huge branch broke off!” Why he cared about this branch is beyond me. Why HE couldn’t pick the lemons, and this was all my fault, also beyond me. Nevertheless, this WAS TOTALLY my fault.

3.) My husband can’t log into his webhost server, so I must have changed the password. People, I can barely even tell you what a webhost server is. (See, I don’t even think I’m calling it the right thing–is it webhost? Webserver? Or just server???) I  don’t even know what company my husband uses as his webhost server. Nor do I know his password. Not to mention, I really don’t have a lot of extra time to be logging into other people’s webhost server things, as I have like 8 jobs plus a family to care for!!!

YET, he couldn’t log into his server or something yesterday, so he IM’s me: “Did you change my webhost server thing password?” My reaction was, “Hu?” He continues: “Well, I can’t log in. You must have gotten onto the ftp and changed it.” My reaction: “Hu? I don’t know how to get onto your ftp. No. I didn’t change it. I have no idea how to do that.”

He did not believe me. Then he used FEAR to get me to change his password back! He says, “Well, your email is linked to this server, so I guess you won’t be able to use it anymore.” Finally in about 2 hours the server thing got fixed. Thank GOODNESS.

PS. Good deal for techies–lasts until April 30th: Get 10% Cash Back with Paypal on CompUSA.com!

I suspect that my husband doesn’t know our address by heart. To his credit, we have moved 8 times in 9 years. We haven’t lived in our current apartment even a year…Still, would it not freak you out a little if you suspected your husband hadn’t memorized your address and/or phone number? (Yes, this means I also suspect he may not know our phone number.) I know, speed dial. No one knows anyone’s number. Yet, usually, they know their own number…

Why do I suspect that he doesn’t know our address? Because he carries around this piece of paper in his wallet with the address and phone number written on it. How do I know this? Please, I don’t search through my husband’s wallet. Okay, maybe once a year. Never anything suspicious in there though, and he reads my email, so we’re even. (By the way, he doesn’t even try to hide this. He’ll just say “Hey, who’s that guy who emailed you today?” And I will say “Uh, he’s my cousin, the guy who was in our wedding.” And he’ll say “Oh.” I know, it’s strange–probably dysfunctional. But I have nothing to hide, so if he finds my email entertaining, more power to him. I DO delete the mean emails about his mother. This is very healthy for our marriage.)

SO, actually, I know about the paper because sometimes he loses it and starts asking about it–of course, I’m supposed to know exactly where this 1-inch x 1-inch piece of paper is. “Where’s my paper? Did you get it?” What paper? Get it for what? No, I already know our address, why would I need your paper? Then he immediately makes another “address paper.” He copies it while referencing a piece of mail. Each of the three times this has happened, I have said, “PLEASE tell me you KNOW our address.” And he says he does but gets confused about two digits at the end of our zip code.

Yeah, SURE ya do.

Hi! I have gotten some very interesting emails this week. My personal favorites are the ones where guys are asking about my husband’s job. Nothing about girls or marriage. No, no. Just questions about jobs and money.

Alrighty. I love talking about jobs. In fact, I have the very odd hobby of job searching. I have a full-time writing job (from home). It pays nicely, and I love it immensely. So, I don’t need a job. But I NEED to job search. It’s probably related to filling a dysfunctional void of some sort–kind of like alcoholism, except instead of never getting enough whiskey, I never get enough job searching. (I just reread that, and it frightened me. Oh well.)

Um…yes, this brings me to my story about my husband’s job. OH, it’s related to animation. (Due to that detail, he may force me to remove this post–should this happen, I apologize in advance.)

If you or your husband wants to work in the movie industry–you could be in for a doozy of a time. Let me recommend Gnomon (wierd name, but very high-quality, famous school.). IF you have like $20-30,000 for your husband to attend a program like this, this could be a quick, easy path for you–assuming he’s talented and a go-getter type. We did not. So, if you are like us, here are some possible challenges you could encounter:

1) As your husband learns his trade, he will be on his computer 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and unemployed for at least 3 years. Actually, I suspect this applies to numerous techie job–not just animation. Of course, some men would work in the day learn at night…I’m sure that’s nice for you.

2) Your husband’s going to “need” to buy lots of computer equipment in order to GET projects, and later a job–so this will be around $15,000-20,000 altogether. Not buying the equipment will mean that you’ve survived the 3 years of unemployment for nothing. Again, this pretty much applies to all techie jobs.

3) If you’re like me, you’ll get lucky and live on the East Coast, while all movie jobs are on the West Coast. BUT your husband will get offered contracts, not jobs, meaning you will now get to pay for 2 places, so he can go, but you can stay and maintain your full-time job with benefits in Virginia. (So you would be a single mother to your first child, oh, and pregnant with your second child. Also, you might have horrible morning sickness, not for 3 months like most people, but for 6, while your husband is away). This will last at least 6 months. And it may happen 2-3 times before your husband gets a full-time job.

4) Then you will move to California, quit your job, and never see your husband again because he’ll be working all the time. HAHAhahahaha. (This is a joke, but not so funny.)

5) It’s not over. Now your husband will need to “specialize.” So, get ready for him to go study in Canada at Vancouver Film School for 4 months while you stay in California with your, now 2 children, as a single mom. Oh, don’t expect him to have a valid passport. He might forget to renew it, as he forgets to renew his driver’s license (which he now has 3 of, which is not really legal–but it’s due to living in 8 cities in 9 years). Point being: you might freak out for 4 months while your husband is in Canada studying, as the passport law changes–you will be worried that they will not let him back into the US.

Okay, but it’s not this hard for everyone. It’s also not this easy for everyone. My husband is very talented both artistically and in science, so once he got his first real job, things moved extremely quickly. He has friends who have had the same job for years but want out and can’t find anything.

Finally, he didn’t job search. I job searched. For years, I sent out 10-50 resumes a week, along with demos. Yes, this was very dysfunctional of me. Of course, my husband should have done his own job searching. However, as I mentioned in a prior post, his theory was you apply to ONE job and wait for the answer before applying to the next job. Guess how often companies like Dreamworks answer–NEVER. Unless they want you. That wasn’t the case. Fortunately, it was fine with him to “let” me take over and start sending out stuff like mad. And it worked very well with my job searching..um..hobby.

These things said, this was fuel for our marriage. It was very hard, but at the same time, we are both risk-takers and like setting goals. We are not afraid of tough times and can handle stuff. Now that things have been settled for a few years, life is pretty good. But this is NOT the road for everyone. We have seen a few divorces among friends already due to the work hours alone! Beware of demanding techie jobs…beware.