Is this not true: during long-term relationships and marriage, men basically maintain the same ideas they always had, except they become more and more convinced of them. Sometimes, this becomes a downhill spiral, and misconceptions can spin totally out of control. For my male readers, I’m going to outline some critical misconceptions. Note to guys: If you believe any of the following statements, don’t even waste time examining the why, how, or any of that–simply take action and make some changes (quickly!):
Misconception #1: No one notices if my clothes are wrinkled, as long as they match.
Truth: Everyone notices, and it makes you look lazy. If they don’t match, you look even worse. Need help? Ask your girlfriend or read GQ. Please tell me you know what I mean by “GQ.”
Misconception #2: My breath smells the same no matter what I eat. I know, because I test it by breathing into my hand.
Truth: Please. Research has proven that even people with severe halitosis can’t detect it using their hand. You can either get a professional test or save your money and trust me. You need to chew gum and brush before speaking at close range, especially after eating onions, garlic, and meat. Thanks.
Misconception #3: No one knows how often I shower and shave. My deodorant smells good, and my beard looks like it’s scruffy on purpose.
Truth: EVERYONE knows. When people don’t shower, their faces look slightly dirty yet shiny. I can’t really explain it—but I know it when I see it, and so do all other girls. Unshaven scruffy look? Uh, I realize that was popular at some point in the last few decades, but it’s not popular in this decade. So this whole “on purpose” thing—not fooling anyone.
Misconception #4: I don’t need to adjust my hair this morning! My morning hair looks like I already fixed it because of the matted look that’s in style now.
Truth: I worked with at least five guys who thought this. I can’t even begin to express to you how stupid they looked when they came to work with their morning hair thinking people didn’t know the difference. I still have nightmares about their hair. DUMB. Read closely: The slightly matted look requires wetting, combing, gel, and a little skill—and it has to be totally clean (not dirty, as was with idiot guys I worked with). Also, this look is on its way out, so there’s no reason to be talking about it anyway.
Misconception #5: Lots of people have visible nose hair and ear hair. That’s normal.
Truth: No. Very few people have visible nose and ear hair, and those who do usually get laughed at behind their backs. If you have this issue, consider doing something about it quickly. I am sure your girlfriend or wife will help you research what to do–and she will hurry because this is important. [Update: I couldn’t handle it–I already researched it for you–there’s a link below to ear/nose hair trimmers. Some below $10. Buy one.]
Misconception #6: It’s okay to punch extra holes in my belt, as long as I am careful.
Truth: This is never okay. It looks stupid. Everyone can tell you did it yourself.
Misconception #7: This stain is not at all noticeable, even close up.
Truth: Come on. Stains are clearly visible, and they make you look dirty. Tip: figure out how to clean it, or throw it in the garbage.
Misconception #8: I’m a guy with long hair. It looks cool and sexy.
Truth: When guys have long hair, it is usually damaged and unclean, plus they tend to swing it, which makes them look self-absorbed and insecure. Yes, it is possible for long hair on guys to be cool and sexy, but for this to happen, you need to wash, trim, and brush it often. Do you? If not, your long hair is not the chic magnet you think it is. (Also, ironically, if you actually do these things, you might be too into your hair, which is unattractive for entirely different reasons.)
Misconception #9: Spitting is sometimes necessary to keep my “passages” clear. As long as no one sees (or hears) but my significant other, that’s okay.
Truth: Hold on a minute. Did your doctor tell you this? If not, then let’s not pretend that we know how spitting benefits “passages,” okay? I never do this, and my passages are fine. I think I know where this originates. Baseball players are so sexy that they are able to get away with spitting. Okay. But are you a baseball player? I didn’t think so. Spitting is just gross. Avoid it. If you must spit, at least do so in the bathroom (where you can’t be seen) and avoid making noise.
Misconception #10: I have great tricks for looking thin: 1) wearing a long-sleeved T-shirt under a T-shirt and 2) wearing jeans that are too large and droop down.
Truth: I apologize, but these things make people look fat and unattractive. If you want to look thinner, stick with jeans that stay up—darker shades of denim are more slimming. Avoid T-shirts period—long-sleeves, short sleeves, whatever. T-shirt material sticks to fat–you didn’t know this? All girls know this, which is why many of us are very picky about our T-shirts. If you MUST wear T-shirts, get the ones made of thicker and “stiffer” material–they are more flattering–NOT TOO BIG. Again, go with darker colors, but not black (see below).
Misconception #11: My black heavy metal T-shirts and T-shirts with obscene jokes are so cool. Girls must love them.
Truth: Well, we already discussed T-shirts. A T-shirt is simply not going to turn anyone on. Now, if you like girls who wear heavy metal T-shirts and clothing with obscene things on it, then she’s probably okay with your T’s, but let’s not confuse okay with crazy about them. If you want to try an experiment, get a nice Polo or Ralph Lauren shirt. Put it on. Wet and comb that hair, add a little gel, then shake it out a little. Stick on some nice-fitting dark denim jeans. Now watch your girl’s reaction when she sees you. You will like it, I promise.