Husband Clothes

In this post, I discussed one of our dilemmas that my husband had over work. He had to make a really hard decision. He’d just gotten a good job in the LA area–wasn’t sure how it would go. Of COURSE, at that very moment, ILM offered him a contract to work on the new “Indiana Jones” movie (6 hours away in San Francisco). TOUGH moment that was–how do you turn down THAT? But he did. And it all worked out fine. Thank goodness. He loves his job here.

So this kept me highly interested in how “Indiana Jones” would turn out. I heard it was getting a bad buzz. Just saw an update on this blog called A Katt’s Life. Apparently the movie is kind of so so. That’s fine–I am happy it won’t bomb. I would have been very sad if my childhood adventure legendary movie series bombed. Okay, really it’s just because I want Shia LeBeouf (pictured with Harrison Ford above) to become super famous so he’ll be in tons of movies for me to watch.

Oh my, I just realized I am so much older than that guy. How embarrassing that I made that comment. Mmmm, well thank goodness that comment was NOT at ALL based on attraction, rather it was based on um…well, that he is such a talented comedic actor. And that’s it.

Speaking of Shia (let’s call him by first name, it feels right), why can’t I have dreams about him instead of about Vladimir Putin (as described here)? While we’re on this topic, why did I recently dream that I had lunch with Josh Hartnett? I barely even know who Josh Hartnett is. Does this make me a floozy? ha ha. Joking–it was just lunch. Josh was flirting with me mildly–that’s a relief. It’s annoying when guys flirt with me heavily, since I’m 7 months pregnant. (So funny this evening, no?). Plus, Robin Williams was there. And he kept trying to play matchmaker between me and Josh. Weird.

Actually, I think I need to stop right here. Everything I’m interested in saying right now is getting progressively less wholesome and increasingly more bizarre. I’m not too happy about that. Please forgive me. And enjoy Katt’s update about the new “Indiana Jones” movie.

[UPDATE: I was so positive readers would blow off this link to this love story–I BARELY posted the link. But you shock–more people clicked on this thing than Funny Quotes! The Funny Quotes page drives searches for marriage humor to this blog…Hm. What an interesting surprise. So really, we all just want a love story that ends well at the end of the day…No? I’m all confused now. But in a good way.]

I so enjoy this blog because it’s one of the only places I write for FUN!!! I like telling jokes, and love pondering psychology, especially psychology of people very different from me, like my husband.

BUT I actually do serious writing too. Most of it is academic and educational. And it would greatly bore you.

There is one story I submitted a while ago to a really nice blog about love and relationships that while serious, might spice this blog up by surprising you. It’s a LOVE story about me and my HUSBAND. And how much I LOVE him. No sarcasm or humor, just pure love and adoration, baby. Here’s the link–oh, and NO, that photo is not of my husband’s face:

LettersFromTheSoul.Com–Our Backgrounds Were So Different

Read fast because if my husband sees that I have linked a LOVE story about us to this blog, he will absolutely force me to remove it. Yes, that’s right–he will allow me to make fun of him online (and he also enjoys making fun of me, though to my face rather than in a blog, and usually when I am depressed or upset about something). But he will NOT tolerate sappiness attached to his name or reputation. NO WAY.

I hope you don’t find this story too repulsive. If you do, quickly move on to the next post about mowing. That one is full of sarcasm and fun. And reality.

Our lawn has become an extremely frightening place to visit. Actually, I no longer refer to it as a “lawn.” Because the grass and monkey grass are now about 6 inches tall, I now refer to this area as our “wildlife sanctuary.”

We have mowing issues. You will see how they caused my husband’s one major vice, laziness, (oh and wierdness) to mutate into evilness, despite his usual kind, calm self.

The mowing issues started a year ago when we moved into our apartment. At that time the wildlife sanctuary was just a bunch of dry dirt. My husband quickly “solved” the issue by placing a large piece of plastic, green Astro Turf atop the dirt. He loved it. Loved isn’t quite the word. He was pretty much obsessed with the Astro Turf. He thought it looked great. He wanted to clean it, put a picnic table on it, and so on.

The Astro Turf and dry dirt around it was incredibly unattractive and trashy looking. It also caused health issues. With each gust of wind, mounds of dry dirt would blow into our house through open windows and CHOKE us. I was spending all day sweeping up piles of dirt that blew into the house (i.e. apartment). It was not good.

I asked my husband to help me plant grass, and he got VERY edgy. But I couldn’t take it anymore. I put my foot down and said “I’m laying sod. I’ll mow it, I’ll water it. You don’t have to help.” And that was fine with him. I single-handedly laid our sod, and as I promised, I mowed it, watered it, and so on. Luckily, in the end, I got a lot of pleasure out this gardening type stuff.

Well, until I’m 7 months pregnant, that is. At 7 months of pregancy, it becomes rather difficult to haul a lawn mower out of the garage, mow, and rake up dry grass. So, I asked my husband, “Honey, can you mow the lawn? It’s getting hard for me.”

His eyes got ALL big like saucers, and he said, “You said YOU would do the mowing. I wanted the Astro Turf, remember?” Baggage. Plus laziness. In the end, my husband DID mow. However, he also gave me the silent treatment and dirty looks for the rest of the day. He also got very snippy when I tried to ask questions or make comments. See how laziness mutated into evilness there?

Moral of the story: If you ever meet my husband, avoid touchy topics like Astro Turf that might tap into personal baggage. And WHATEVER you do, do NOT ask him to mow. Just mow yourself. Even at 9 months of pregnancy, it will be easier to mow than than to put up with my husband after HE mows.

Thank you so much for your time, attention, and understanding.

What a delightful article I just saw on Yahoo. It’s called “15 Simple Ways to Keep Your Partner Happy.” It’s written by a man. I thought, won’t it make me chuckle to take a look and just verify for certain that my husband is doing none of them?

Low and behold, not only is he doing none of them, but he’s such a far cry from this list, it actually made me laugh aloud. VERY loud. As in, I think I woke one of the children. (Please no…) So, I’m going to copy the list and add commentary if that’s okay with everyone.

1. Rub her feet instead of asking her if she wants you to rub her feet. Make it look like you want to do it. Right. He rubs my back rarely. Even then, there is a reason, and we all know exactly what that is. That there must be a reason makes the backrub irritating.

2. Make her dinner one night. Don’t ask her if she wants you to make dinner. Make her dinner before she gets home. Mmm, I prefer to eat–I’ll cook.

3. Light a candle so that she arrives home to a nice environment instead of coming home to the glaring lights of the television and other things. This is reminding me of the time he caught the house on fire. I need to move on to #4 very quickly before I get angry.

4. Send her a text in the middle of the day telling her “I miss your smile from this morning” or “Last night was amazing!” or “The conversation we had last night was great.” The closest thing to a romantic text message my husband sends me is an instant message that says dumb stuff like “QUICK, tell me how to spell [insert very easy word]!!!” Or strange Youtube videos that I get quizzed on and in trouble for not watching.

5. Send an eCard in the middle of the day… something cute to remind her how much you really care about her. HA HA! I don’t even get cards for my birthday.

6. If she’s going on a business trip, offer to drive her to the airport or pick her up to make her life that much easier. Hm, well, my husband drives me places and picks me up a lot because I hate driving. So maybe I’m spoiled. HAHAHAHHAHA. (Picking up part= true, spoiled part= funny joke.)

7. Let her have control of the remote control. Don’t monopolize it for a change. Just give it to her and let her actually sit there and enjoying watching one of her shows. Then you can share one of her interests by watching it with her. Share an interest? Watch TV together? Hu?

8. Offer to iron one of her shirts or take her clothes to the dry cleaner. My husband anywhere near an iron, especially an iron near MY clothing, is my worst nightmare. Just thinking about it is making me tense and paranoid.

9. Clean up the bathroom without being asked. Don’t just sit there and ignore the mess around the toilet. If you know it drives her crazy to see water splashed all around the sink, dry that area after you use it. Uh, I’d settle for “Try to pee directly into the toilet.”

10. If you work out together, enjoy it with her instead of rushing through your own workout and then not letting her workout at the same time. I would never choose to work out with my husband, but if forced for any reason, I’d be the one rushing through my workout. He’d completely ignore me, and I’d completely ignore him as well.

11. Take a shower together, then wash her hair, scrub her back, and give her a spa treatment. Do this and enjoy it! If my husband ever tried to do this, I am certain he would injure me.

12. The next time she gives you a massage, give her a massage the next day. Offer it! Don’t just say you’ll give her a massage…do it! See #1.

13. Surprise her by making plans. Tell her, “We’re going out tonight honey.” You can even just go out for a drink or dinner somewhere. It’s taking the initiative that’s important. Please. I’m about to write an entire post about his “plans.” Here were his actual “plans” for last Sunday: Sleep till 3pm. Then try to take family to the beach at 5pm. The beach is a 45 minute drive. I am neither joking nor exaggerating. This was actually the “plan.”

14. Decide on and set aside one night a week as date night. Have a date like when you first started dating. Hm. This could be fun. It will never happen, but if it did, I’m pretty sure it would be fun.

15. Call her in the middle of the day and just say hello. Don’t wait for her to call you. Oh, he calls me like two or three times each day. Usually to ask if I watched the Youtube videos (see #4), but sometimes with strange questions like “What’s my social security number?” (as in his social security number) or “What’s our address?” I know what you’re thinking–it’s his way of saying “I love you.” he he.

PS. Was that as much fun for you as it was for me? I sure hope so.

I have gotten some very nice feedback, which I thank you for immensely. It is wonderful to know that my husband’s deficiencies oddities don’t only make ME depressed laugh, but that they amuse many people from many places. I like that. It makes me proud in a very pathetic, I-need-validation sort of way.

If you are one of the kind people who likes (or pretends to like) this blog, please click on the green rectangle at the top of the right column to give me a “favorite” vote in Technorati. I need those. I’ve been writing this blog since 1996 (but omitted early posts), but just made it public in March. So, I hope to get votes to show people that I am SERIOUS about blogging about my “love life,” as my husband is not changing anytime soon, plus I already tried to divorce him several years ago (and what saved the marriage? He was too lazy to leave–I’m not kidding, it wasn’t love, it was laziness, but then things improved and now we’re happy–usually, LONG story)…

Point being, assuming my husband will never change, I could very well be doing this until age 100. Well, he won’t live that long with the way he eats (piles of fat and salt–I try, he won’t listen)…Oh, sad thought stings deeply (not kidding)…But anyway, if I am 100 and have no Technorati votes…well, that thought makes me feel quite ashamed. Please vote to make me a favorite.

PS. Am I embarrassed asking for votes? Why yes I am. But I am more embarrassed thinking about having a blog that’s about 70 years old that has few Technorati favorite votes. Hopefully that won’t happen.

My husband NEVER emails, calls, or writes to his mother. She lives thousands of miles away. That must be hard. Had she been nice to me, I would love communicating with her. But as you can see from stories 1, 2, and 3, that wasn’t the case.

I find it very odd that she insists on emailing me to ask how her son is doing. I have told her so many times that I am not their go-between. So, when she sends me an Instant Message asking how he’s doing, I ALWAYS answer the same way, “Have you asked him? Just email him” to which she always responds, “No, I am afraid of taking his time.” (Note: She treats her son like precious gold, everyone else on earth like crap.) Oh, but of course, I guess I have PLENTY of time on my hands, despite huge writing projects with strict deadlines, two young boys, and husband’s job which has been 6 days a week from 9 am till 2 or 3 am for the past month or two. Sure.

I totally ignore the emails asking about her son. Then one day, I got this email: “Holly, you do realize, of course, that I need to have contact with my family.” Hm. So, I said something to the effect that her son is family (though I am NOT), and so she should let him know all about this. Her response: “Thank you.” He he. She thinks she pulls at the heart strings. Actually she pulls at the crack-me-up strings.

I do send her updates on the grandchildren from time to time. Occasionally she sends sends sarcastic messages to show me that my updates aren’t sufficient: “Thank you so much, Holly, for that story you told me a month ago about my grandsons. That one story was so interesting. After all, I NEED to know what’s going on in my boys’ lives.” Yeah. Keep talking.

Yesterday at 1:00 am, she writes me asking how her son’s new project is going. As usual I asked, “Did ya email him?” She said, “No. I know he’s busy. I’m so afraid to take his time.” Mhm. I answered that I think he’s fine but I haven’t seen him for about a months as he has been working from about 9am till 2am, so she might get more info if she contacts him. You know what she answered? “You’re kind.” Hm.

No, she’s kind. Don’t you think? Well, that’s all fine because she makes me feel lucky. I am SO lucky that this lady lives thousands of miles from here. I’m also lucky that my husband is working his heart out at work because he’s nervous that people have been let go. He takes such good care of us. Also his outfit matched today and he looked REALLY handsome. See, when it’s 2:30 am, I start getting a little lovey dovey and really thankful for stuff. Also, my boys are the most irresistable kids ever. Why did I get all this good stuff? Have I begun to ramble?

Uh, it’s 2:30 am. I was supposed to be in bed by 11 pm. Why no self-discipline???? Good night.

It’s 1:30am on Friday night. I waited all day for my husband to tell me whether he has to work tomorrow. And Monday. (I can’t make weekend plans without this info.) He has to do stuff for a trailer being released in a week or two, so his schedule is crazy again, but not for long.

My husband IM’d me an hour ago that he’s coming home. So I asked, “Are you working tomorrow???”

His response: “Hm. They were supposed to tell me. But they didn’t. Hey, do you know if I’m supposed to work on Monday?”

I don’t think I need to explain the many things wrong with that response. I should mention that he thinks I might know his Monday schedule because he forwarded me some message a week ago about it. But uh, I don’t read boring stuff like that, so while I noticed Monday was mentioned, I have no idea what the details were. Oh well, he’ll catch on eventually and stop relying on me for his schedule info.

So, in a nutshell, it’s already Saturday, yet I have no idea what we’re doing Saturday. Or Monday. But Sunday, I can plan for, as I know my husband will be home. I plan that my husband will sleep till 3pm then say he’s too tired to do anything. But I’m going to be rebellious. We’re doing something fun on Sunday. And so help me, if I have to use pepperspray to get that man out of bed early, so be it.

But where will we go? I’m thinking Point Dume in Malibu. I heard you can see live starfish there! Um, the fact that Brad Pitt lives kind of close to there and I’m dying to see his house has nothing to do with this idea. Does anyone know a good site with maps of movie star homes? I don’t need it for our fun family trip on Sunday. I’m just asking out of curiosity. Also does anyone know where Owen Wilson’s house in Santa Monica is? NOT because it’s on the way to Malibu, and I want to see it. PLEASE. That would be so immature. No, um. See, I just want to AVOID going near the homes of any movie stars along the way. You know, to respect their privacy. And stuff like that. Thanks.

I’m looking so forward to this weekend! It will be great to have so much family time, but I am sure my husband and I will get on each other’s nerves. To prepare, I read about men’s brains.

This information is taken from the book What Could He Be Thinking? by Michael Gurian. The book is based on 20 years of neurobiological research. The book is all about different chemicals and activity levels in parts of the male and female brains.

Why Husbands Tense Up When Wives Just Want to Talk
Women have 15% more blood flow and neural pathways to verbal-emotive brain centers than men. For this reason, having a conversation, especially one that inspires emotion, can increase oxytocin levels. Oxytocin makes the female brain feel relaxed and connected. However, it makes the male brain “wake up.”

When the male brain is in a restive state, most of its activity is centered in the brain stem. The brain stem does not connect well to the frontal lobes at the top of the brain–where the verbal-emotive processing goes on.

So, in a nutshell, after work, both males and females aim to relax. Talking helps women relax. But for men, conversation stimulates chemicals and parts of the brain to work, rather than to relax. How evil of nature.

Why Men Ignore Their Wives When They Get Home From Work
When men get home from work, they want to rest, just like women do. What does help the male brain enter a restive state? Fixing electronics and channel surfing. I’m serious.

Why Men Watch TV at Defeaning Volumes + Can’t See Stuff In the Fridge
Women’s brains take in more sensory data than men’s brains. So women see, hear, smell, and feel more strongly than men. So, this is why men need to watch the TV at FULL BLAST and why they can’t see stuff in the refrigerator when they’re staring right at it. Also why the many messes they make don’t bother them at all–their brains don’t take these visual details in as women’s brains do.

So, over this nice long weekend, I guess if I want my husband to relax, I need to try not to talk to him, encourage him to channel surf as he ignores me, and try to understand that he simply can’t see all of the messes he creates.

PS. On a serious note, does anyone know of an organization that benefits families of fallen soldiers? If so, please email me! Also, here is a touching site www.anysoldier.com–it tells how you can send a letter to service men and women who don’t often get mail but need it.

Sara’s boyfriend went to a dinner party that was “black tie optional.” Sara couldn’t go with him. This little lucky twist saved her mucho public embarrassment. Guys: PAUSE FOR QUICK QUIZ!

1) “Black tie optional” means _____:

A. The same as “tie optional”–wear a tie, or don’t.
B. Wear a tie, but it doesn’t have to be black.
C. Basically “tuxedo optional”–wear a tuxedo or something formal.

2) When I have no idea what stuff means, I can avoid embarrassing myself by _____:

A. Guessing what it means and making a grand entrance or statement.
B. Ask my best friend what it means. He doesn’t socialize much, but he’s smart.
C. Do a Google search–this is reliable and only takes 5 seconds.

This guy picked options A and A. (Not the correct answers.) Later when Sara asked how the dinner party went, her boyfriend kind of grimaced and said that everyone else was so dressed up. He’d felt very awkward.

Rolling her eyes, she asked, “Well, you DID wear a suit, right?” He’s staring back at her all confused like. No, he reminded her, it was black tie optional, so he chose the option NOT to wear a tie. Or a jacket. He chose the other, more casual “option.”

Stop right here. See, he’s talking about imaginary options. He never checked out the meaning of black tie optional. When we make up or just try to figure out what things mean, rather than looking them up or asking about them, situations can get very sketchy–this includes dating, using instructions to build things, directions, finances, cooking, and of course, fashion. So basically, this guy failed to inquire, and he showed up to a tuxedo formal wear event wearing something like jeans and a button up pajama shirt.

Hey, not everyone knows what phrases like “black tie optional” mean. Many who do still hate getting dressed up. BUT the point is NOT “be classy”–goodness no, by all means, please don’t try that. The point is, don’t always try to guess. Just ASK sometimes. What’s the big darn deal???

Ha ha! I’m cracking myself up. I had a flashback on several assumptions I used to make about marriage. I wasn’t even one of those “I’ll find my knight and white castle” type girls. I was more one of those “please don’t let my husband turn out to be an undercover drug addict/criminal/person with 10 wives in other states” types. I specifically remember being SURE that marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Yet I still had no idea. Here are some of my thoughts from about 10 years ago:

1) Warnings about finances causing trouble in marriage don’t worry me at all. Our finances will be FINE. Hello, two people = twice the money = we’ll pretty much be rich.

2) Everyone says you have to communicate. OF COURSE we’ll communicate.

3) Why does everyone think children cause stress in marriage? As long as I marry a nice guy, this will be noooooo prooooblem. (Note: I did marry a nice guy. The topic of the problems a nice husband can cause with child-rearing needs a whole long post. I’ll write one soon.)

4) Women don’t want to have sex when they’re married? That’s a bunch of fluff. Not me. I’m sure we’ll have sex daily. Probably more than once each day.

5) Why do people say women get really bitchy and don’t care about their appearance after they get married? NEVER! I will make time to focus on me and I will make him help me. (And I just assumed this plan would unfold simply and easily.)

6) Why does everyone say it’s hard to handle your spouse’s habits day in and day out? That won’t really apply to us. We already know each other’s annoying habits, and we’re okay with them.

7) When you are married, you never feel lonely because you always have someone to talk to and sit with. (HA HA! Try NEVER. Married people are waaaaay too busy to sit and talk. And when they’re not busy, they’re too annoyed or trying to have fun and relax for once. Please.).

8 ) I don’t care if my husband gets fat. And he won’t mind if I get fat. We love each other, and our love runs much deeper than weight. Also, we won’t get fat because we’ll be on a lifetime good health plan. That’ll be one of the many things we do together as a couple. I will always have plenty of money and time for proper meal planning. We will be so healthy.

9) People talk too much about the hardship of sacrifices in marriage. Please. First of all, my husband would never ask me to give up anything really important to me. Secondly, even if he did, I will be happy to sacrifice for him because I love him so much.

10) When things get hard, which they won’t, we’ll just always remember that DIVORCE is NOT an option.

Any married people totally cracking up right now? If so, I’m glad I could put some humor into your day.