Husband Clothes

My husband and the ALARM CLOCK are getting ON MY NERVES. He thinks it’s my responsibility to make sure he wakes up at 7am. I used to try, but it’s impossible to wake this man up. He gets up no earlier than 8am. The alarm clock goes off every 10 minutes for an entire hour. That’s the way it’s been for years.

I used to care if he got up on time. But now I don’t. For a while, he seemed to get this. All was good. He was waking up late, of course, but not talking to me about it. Perfect.

Recently, however, he reverted back to the old “I was late to work today” with buggy eyes looking at me like I’m supposed to respond with … an explanation. But I didn’t respond because I don’t care. The next day, he moved it to the next level and acted all panicky when he got up late: “OH NO, it’s 8am? I can’t even take a SHOWER. And now I’m going to be LATE for WORK” (while staring with buggy eyes). Keep in mind, the alarm clock was not turned off. It went off very loudly every 10 minutes from 7am to 8am. Just to be sure I asked, “Why are you telling me this?” He said, “So you’ll help me GET UP next time.” Then for the millionth time I explained that I have tried and it’s hopeless, and he needs to just go to bed earlier.

So, yesterday when the clock went off for the 3rd time, I mumbled “Get up” in my sleep or something. Low and behold HE GOT UP at 7:30am. Wow. Total shocker. He took a shower, got dressed, all ready to go on time.

I thought, “FINALLY he’s on time. Maybe he’ll leave me alone now.” But NO. Instead of feeling proud of himself, he looks at me with the buggy eyes AGAIN and says, “See, when I get up early enough, I get out of the door on time.” He’s so lucky he’s so much stronger than I am. I think I said something that included very mean curse words. But it’s a fuzzy memory (thank goodness) because I was juuust tired enough to go back to sleep.

PS. Oh my GOSH. I was so excited to see the poster’s comment on bed-shaking alarm clocks (in comments below this post). I thought this was a cruel joke to get me all excited, then sad, but they are REAL. Here they are, should you need one!!!!

Another strike looms in Hollywood. This is very sad. This could seriously slow down progress on the upcoming “Terminator” sequels. Please don’t let that happen. And on a graver note, this puts all film workers’ jobs at risk. The writer’s strike last fall was awful. We have neighbors who didn’t work for 6 months. These weren’t the millionaire writers, but the “little guys” who do behind the scenes jobs.

If there is a strike of actors, it will totally shut down TV and movie production in Hollywood. That might mean my hubby would be unemployed for the first time in many years. Fortunately, I can support us on my salary. The problem is, if he has no job, he’ll be home (where I work) ALL THE TIME. Plus, he will get depressed and act mean. It’s something with guys and jobs. I don’t get it because I LOVE it when I don’t have a job.

If he were home all the time, I imagine this could begin to feel rather crowded. And messy. And often stinky. Does your husband ever stink? Um, I didn’t ask because my husband stinks. Because he doesn’t. He’s perfectly clean at all times and smells like sexy cologne. He doesn’t take a shower only once every…oh I don’t know…4 days or something. No, and his clothes, as I have told you, never get worn 20 times in a row. No sir. He certainly never has gas that smells bad. And his wearing two shirts (as described here) in the 100 degree Hollywood heat–well, that just makes him smell even better than usual.

Um, moving right along, here is a link to one of my favorite online videos EVER. It is SO funny. Christina Applegate plays the spoiled wife of a Hollywood writer while he was out of work. It starts a little slowly. I will link it to you here rather than embedding it because the server has been slow due to many visits (thank you;). I think I need to get more bandwidth or something. I’m checking on this.

PS. The above photo is Christina Applegate with her very, very, incredibly hot ex-husband. I bet he doesn’t stink at ALL.

I‘d like to share a little about my husband’s behavior while he’s sick. First, he believes you MUST be extremely warm to heal from a cold. Therefore he wears a beanie at all times while sick. That’s correct. This includes during summer, in public, and while he sleeps. He pulls it way down over his eyes. He stays in bed with the covers pulled up to his nose. Oh, he also leaves wads of toilet paper in his nose. Please see the visual I created using a Spiderman doll that looks exactly like husband while sick–except there are no nostrils into which I can stuff toilet paper wads–try to imagine that part:

Does this look frightening to you? My standards are so low at this point that it almost looks normal to me now. I even go out in public with him looking like this in the summer. Sure, it’s embarrassing when people stare, but at those moments, I convincingly pretend to be alone. No one knows. And besides, they walk away so quickly when they see him coming.

Oh, there’s also the way he ACTS when he has a cold. He can’t breath. His head hurts so badly he can’t move–even in dire emergencies, like when something’s burning on the stove downstairs, and one of the kids starts screaming as if injured upstairs. See how one person (me) can’t handle both incidents effectively, but two people could? Too bad. My husband can’t move. He has a COLD (also known as “possible kidney infection”).

I think the most annoying is that when I am sick, of course, he thinks I’m faking it and totally ignores me. I hope I never die while I have a cold, because if I do, I will remain that way unchecked on for quite some time. I find that extremely irritating.

I have heard that many guys have trouble handling colds. It would be very encouraging to hear that they also wear beanies, leave toilet paper up their noses, and ignore their wives’ colds completely. This would mean that my husband is perfectly normal after all.

Anyone out there ever tucked a gray sweatshirt into gray sweatpants? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Wouldn’t be too flattering for the ole figure now, would it? Well, unfortunately for Mickey (the editor for Style Swag magazine), her husband does tuck sweatshirts into sweatpants. And even more unfortunately for her, he does this at important events. Such as the closing on the first apartment they purchased in New York city. In her own words:

“Let me draw you the graphic, gory image: Dark hair, olive complexion (Italian heritage) wearing an ash gray sweatsuit set (Yes, I repeat, the set! Shirt tucked into pants nonetheless). On top of this atrocity, he dons a camel colored sport coat/blazer thing! And just to make sure I never regain use of my retinas, he has the white and navy blue New Balance sneakers on.

Needless to say, everyone wanted to see his ID. They did not believe he was a doctor. My lawyer just hung his head. And for a lawyer to be at a loss for words…Not good.

Why, you ask? Why would a man with an extensive education and strong moral fiber go to such lengths to inflict this type of visual carnage? His reason for wearing the BLAZER was that the sweatsuit didn’t have any pockets. You know, for the important items people need to carry to an important legal event like a closing. (As he explained this, I stood there with my eyes bugging out and my mouth ajar.) So, as if the blazer sweatpant combo wasn’t enough–also the pockets of said blazer had to be stuffed and LUMPY. He looked like a HOBO who’d just shoplifted items from a nearby 711….”

Please do see the wonderful photo I have included for your viewing pleasure. Remember, this model is wearing a T-shirt, not sweatshirt, which would look SO MUCH WORSE. Plus he’s a model for a reason–he looks better than the average Joe in clothes. My point: I think we all know that a real husband in this get up would definitely more closely resemble a snowman stuffed into a blazer than a hot model who’s simply wearing an ugly outfit (as in this photo).

PS. More on Style Swag magazine–I LOVE this–it benefits charities while informing readers about the latest fashion trends, celebrity gossip, and news stories!! It’s linked to Style Station NYC where customers shop (for cosmetics, fashions, etc.) as usual but 10-20% of profits go to CHARITIES. All kinds of them.

Sometimes the readers of this blog share stories about their husbands that are so odd or annoying, it makes me kinda jealous. (Why would I be jealous when someone’s husband is more annoying than my own? That’s just dumb. I have no logical answer. Some ladies get jealous when her friends’ husbands are kinder, more handsome, or richer than her own. I get jealous when other peoples’ husbands are uglier, poorer, or weirder than my own.)

So, one reader, Laura, shared this tale of a trip to the grocery store with her husband. Actually, this story isn’t annoying–it’s just plain hilarious:

On a trip to the grocery store, my husband yelled a question across the aisles. I was appalled that a presumably fully functional adult couldn’t remember the answer to this question all by himself. The question: “What kind of CHEETOS do I like?”

Then, however, the real horror sank in–I knew the answer. The CRUNCHY ones. Of the few brain cells I still had working for me at that point in the marriage, at least one had dedicated itself to that bit of knowledge. Sigh. I don’t think I ever felt more married.

I get similar questions–What’s my address? What’s the meal I always order at this restaurant? What’s your middle name (as in my middle name)? But this Cheetos story… it’s a keeper! Thanks so much for sharing, Laura!

PS. Summer is here, which for many readers here means fun family trips!!! For families who live in or are traveling to the San Francisco area, the Exploratorium museum is a great place to visit.

Like most people in the movie industry, my husband has worked away from home for some projects (for months at a time). In each case, he could have stuck with work close by, but the far away work would increase his salary level and work skills. We chose the harder road, but it has paid off.

However, the relocations and work hours can be really hard on families. Once we moved back to Hollywood (for the 2nd time), my husband decided to stick to nearby projects.

Then OF COURSE, 6 months later, ILM offered him a job on the new “Indiana Jones” movie. (ILM is in San Francisco, which is 6 hours away from us. We just moved to Hollywood from there last year.) Good relocation, good pay, real high quality production. He’s worked there before and really liked it.

But he stuck by his decision and didn’t take the job. Now, the Indiana Jones movie is supposedly getting a bad buzz. So, I was thinking, hm, if my husband had sacrificed to go work on this movie, then it bombed, that would have kind of stung for him.

But uh, hello, how is that movie getting a bad buzz? It’s starring Harrison Ford, the most awesome man of all time. This man will still be hot when he’s 98. And I LOVE his success story (read it here)–student who made C’s and D’s and got fun of and bullied in school, tried acting but didn’t do well, became construction worker. Then “Star Wars.” Howdy.

And please don’t anyone even get me started talking about Shia LaBeouf who I felt was rather geeky until I saw “Transformers” when I discovered that Shia’s face, and name, grows on you and he is an incredibly hilarious and talented comedic actor. Also, his little stint of refusing to leave the Walgreen’s parking lot while publicly intoxicated (this part correct?) was one of the funniest stories I’ve ever heard. The sheer fact that he was at Walgreen’s was actually funny enough. Then the SO ADORABLE mugshot–I fell totally in love with him. In a non-sexual way of course. But anything with him in it can’t possibly maintain a bad buzz.

Uhhhh, was there a point to this post? Oh, yes, I just forgot to point it out. hehhhhehe. The point was that my husband turned down that project for good reasons, and that worked out well. Now if he could also start making good handy work decisions, good decisions about visiting the dentist to fix his tooth which is STILL CHIPPED (front tooth, of course), good decisions about not getting traffic tickets, about not wearing the same pair of pants 20 days in a row…

What a nice way to start the day. Our bathroom sink has been stopped up for three days. A plumber visited and will visit again today. Luckily, the water drains out, but it takes a really long time. (So, at least we don’t have a sink full of dirty water as we wait for the plumber. And we have been waiting since the weekend–there were a few failed attempts at fixing it.)

So um, my husband shaved his Grizzly Adams beard off this morning. Yeah, and guess where all of the hoards of shaved off hair went? That’s right–in the sink (yes, my husband knows the plumbing in the sink is stopped up).

So, when I woke up and opened my eyes, I was looking directly through the hallway into the bathroom at my husband trying to plunge the hair down the sink drain. Good idea or no? And of course, the sink took much, much longer to drain this time. Plus it was full of dirty water with lots of hair.

Thank goodness, another plumber is coming within the hour. I’m so happy that he will probably yell at me about all of the hair that appeared in the drain since his last visit. Nevertheless, can’t wait.

Breath of fresh air. My husband fiiiiinally finished the project he was working on. It’ll be so nice to see him again. When he gets called in to troubleshoot at the end of a project (”end of project” = “crunch time”), this means working till 2 or 3 am every day 6 days a week for a month or until the project ends. Anyway, the movie he just finished working on is called “Body of Lies,” and it stars Leonardo DiCaprio and Russell Crowe. It’s about a CIA operative who finds a major lead to an Al Qaida suspect in Jordan.

Okay, I promised myself next time I commented on a project of my husband’s I would at LEAST describe the plot of the movie before discussing the actors in it (notice I did not say actresses. Sorry guy readers. I like discussing actors, especially, but not exclusively, hot ones). Moving right along, to me, Russell Crowe is one of those sneak-up-on-you hot guys. You look at him and think “hm, you look normal, as in identical to my brother-in-law except chubby.” Then as you watch his phenomenal acting, he gets more and more handsome. Then when you learn about his perplexing temper tantrums, he gets extremely intriguing, but makes you very thankful that you aren’t married to a movie star.

On the other hand, there’s Leo. (May I call Leonardo DiCaprio, like he’s my neighbor? Okay, thanks.) He’s one of those why-does-everyone-love him so much types. He’s kind of cute, but also kind of odd looking. Until you watch the movie he starred in with Matt Damon called “The Departed.”

Note on the movie “The Departed” (not to be confused with “Body of Lies,” the new movie that hasn’t been released.) Holy macanoli, you wanna watch one INTENSE movie–look out. (Please excuse the fact that I just used the term holy macanoli–I use terms like that on this blog to avoid cursing like a sailor as I do in real life. One of the many things I’m working on.) The intensity in “The Departed” is generated by Leo’s unbelievably convincing job of portraying his desperate, disadvantaged character. You will definitely be awed by his talent if you watch this movie. (And, girl note: If you didn’t think he was hot before, you’ll be his #1 groupie after you see the love story, namely his naked torso in makeout scenes, in this movie). You can get this movie from Amazon here.

Oh, uh, but back to my husband. Seriously, it’ll be so nice to see him again. And to stop worrying about his health. (I have this paranoia about no sleeping + too much working = heart attacks. If I were to mention this, he would make some really annoying joke, but…well, I can stop worrying now regardless, at least for a while).

Not to have a competition for whose mother-in-law is the meanest, strangest, or craziest, but let me know if this could make me the clear winner nevertheless. (I’ve never won anything–so I’m hoping this might change all that.)

My mother-in-law is from a different country. That country is very mountainous and therefore quite closed off from surrounding countries (and the surrounding world in many respects, which explains many stories on this blog.) In that country, the people are highly educated, but only the richest have enough money to travel abroad. This means, the people there do see foreign countries in the media, magazines, and tourists, but they trust their own customs and regard many foreign ways as “strange” or “incorrect” (rather than “different” or “interesting”).

SO, when my mother-in-law visited for the first time, I knew she’d never eaten fried shrimp. As a nice gesture, I fixed a grand dinner consisting of 2 pounds of fried and breaded shrimp for her, along with many other foods. It was great, not to toot my own horn.

Well, these shrimp had tails. My mom-in-law was popping the whole thing into her mouth, tail and all. For the sake of her stomach lining, I delicately tried to say, “Um…We don’t really…usually…eat the tails.” Trying to soften the comment, I added, “I think they might upset your stomach, probably that’s the reason.” (And not, for example, because it makes you look like a freak.)

At the time, I was just learning that my mother-in-law is extremely defensive and hated me as my husband’s non-native wife. So, I wasn’t aware that I would be attacked for trying to be helpful.

But I quickly learned. She gave me a VERY agitated look and replied: “My dear, I eat what I want how I want.” Then she very deliberately opened her mouth and dropped another entire shrimp into it tail and all. And proceeded to chomp on it and fake smile at me.

In her book, she really told me off. As you can imagine, I SURE FELT FOOLISH. (tee hee ha ha.)

Do you ever have moments when your parents do funny things, and suddenly you have flashbacks to when you were little and remember things…but you see them from the perspective of an adult, rather than a child?

I do that from time to time, and today, I had an epiphany that my Dad is a husband. Wow. My Dad did so many things that would KILL me if he were my husband, but that are SO FUNNY to me as his daughter. Some of my favorites:

1. He let my sister and I do pretty much anything we wanted. This included jumping on any furniture, pulling any items out of closets no matter what we needed to climb in order to reach them, and glue and tape “Christmas tree decorations” to any and all plants at his place. One of my fondest memories is standing on his WOODEN bar in his closet–the one for hanging clothes on–and jumping off of it onto his bed repeatedly. And of course jumping off his dresser onto his bed, but that’s less dangerous.

2. He would let us wear our pajamas ANYWHERE, and this was awesome, because my pajamas looked like a big bunny rabbit, and I do believe even had bunny rabbit ears and enclosed, bunny feet. Which of you got to wear THAT to McDonald’s? Ha. Thought so.

3. When he dressed us, this pretty much went like “Girls, get your clothes on.” My three year old sister didn’t know how to get herself dressed, but enjoyed trying. If she wasn’t in bunny pajamas, her clothes were upside down, backwards, or inside out. In public. Everywhere.

4. We were always overjoyed to go to Dad’s house because we loved hotdogs and chips. We knew we’d get to eat hotdogs and chips, because these were the only foods my dad had in his home. (Note: My parents were divorced, perhaps this should have been tramatic for me, but it was not, probably due to my young age and the fact that each of my parents was perfect about speaking highly of the other and still are.)

5. While in law school, my Dad got a roommate to save money. The roommate would leave Playboy magazines in the bathroom. My sister and I would gleefully look at them and draw “funny” pictures on them. My Dad did not catch onto this in any way.

It’s very interesting to think that my children will one day regard my husband in a similar way that I regard my father. The “he can do no wrong” and totally admiring child perspective.

I wonder how these stories sound to people who don’t know my father. Probably horrifying. But to people who know him, they are hilarious. (Uh, let me know if that seems unhealthy, and I’ll inform my family.) It’s hard to describe my father, but he is a wonderful and amazing man.

Hm. My husband too:)