Husband + Hot Dogs = No More Smoking

smoking.jpgYears ago, I was a chain smoker with no hope of ever quitting. I was otherwise normal and in good health–I ate right, exercised, all that good stuff. Looked darn cute–sorry, I think the 10 years ago factor gives me bragging rights at this time, does it not? But I had a habit of smoking that I could NOT kick.

Then I met my husband. At first, he acted all okay with my smoking. See, this guy’s a sneaky one. From day one he knew he was going to force me to stop smoking. I only learned about this three years later.

The first wise move was not hinting about the issue until AFTER marriage–you know, when I was already totally trapped. At that time, the lectures started. By the way, my husband NEVER raises his voice. But he has this almost evil way of being brutally persistent and thoroughly unbothered by negative responses to his persistence.

SO, I’d begin to smoke, and he’d start rolling his eyes, fanning the air and groaning aloud. I’d run out to the balcony and start chain smoking due to the stress his antics caused me. He’d follow me out to the balcony (see his traps, and how I fell into them? marriage, balcony, and so on), and continue the lectures. Lectures about lung cancer, lectures about heart disease, lectures about smelling like smoke…

I would yell at him to stop, but I was on a balcony so, not comfortable to do so too loudly or too long. Finally, I’d go back in. Usually by this point, I had smoked at least 5 cigarettes due to stress his antics caused me. But the magical effect was that it was TOTALLY UNSATISFYING due to the lectures. (See, smokers smoke to get a break from reality. That effect is squashed when someone is annoying you and won’t go away.)

That wasn’t all. He also did very controlling things, such as steal my cigarettes out of my purse. So I’d go for a smoke break at work. No cigarettes. Pretty much, someone’s going to die when stuff like this starts happening. But he’s stronger than me, plus he didn’t care about my threats. As I said, his persistence approaches evilness. Later, he caught on when I’d check that my cigarettes were in the purse BEFORE leaving for work.

He started taking the cigarettes out of the box and replacing them with random objects. My very, very favorite was a hotdog. That’s right. I opened my Marlboro Lights all ready for my grand smoke break, the great calm-me-downer, and there are no cigarettes in the box, but there is a hot dog in the box. Folded in half, so as to fit in the box. Yes, that’s very scary. I almost called the police.

But police or no police, these little tricks had a very important effect: cigarettes became an unreliable source of pleasure. I could no longer count on them to be there for me. I was aware this was my husband’s fault, and there were many ways that I outsmarted him and his little tricks. But all in all, he made smoking unpleasurable and unreliable.

That is the true story of why I was able to stop smoking.

4 Responses to “Husband + Hot Dogs = No More Smoking”

  1. CONGRATULATIONS!!!! It’s very hard to quit such a deadly habit.

    You need to go over to Husband and give him a great, big, minty fresh kiss for being so wonderfully, persistent and loving you THAT much to stuff a hotdog.

    PS. All you smokers out there, you cannot hide the fact that you smoke. Non smokers can smell it no matter how hard you think you mask it. I’m sure you husbands would rather kiss a woman than an ashtray.

  2. My husband, we will call him Vince since it is his actual name, though sometimed I refer to him as Jerk, Lazy boy, etc. LOVES to smoke in bed. New comforters, sheets are out of the question. The one he bout for me this past Christmas looks like Swiss cheese. Several years ago after he moved in with me, I awoke to find the room filled with some, yet there was no blaze. My daughter had had a bonfire the night before so figuring the smoke was coming from outside, I decided to shut the windows to the bedroom. Hubby is still sleeping, his second favorite past time–his first is burning holes in comforters and hseets. Anyway, the room continued to fill with smoke, so I got to his side of the bed to find that the mattress and box spring are smoldering.

    What do I do? I scream “Mike” which is my ex husband’s name. My new husband and I stop the mattress from burning, throw it on the floor, and carry the box spring outside. new hubby goes back in the bedroom, lays down on the mattress on the floor, gets up around 3pm, and is pissed of at me because I called him “Mike.” Despite that he would have burned the house down had I not been home.

    I did get back at him about 3 weeks later when he accidentally called me by his ex fiancees name, which is “Carry.” So I proceed to ask him if he would like to call in some “Carry”-out Chinese, or maybe we could go to Cash and “Carry” down the road to get a soda pop. However, he didn’t find any humor in this.

    So now I ask you, did I go too far to “carry” it on, or was he just having a bad day?

  3. Penelope, that is one of my favorite comments EVER! Your husband almost burned your house down, yet he was mad at you for accidentally yelling “Mike”!!! Not during an intimate moment, mind you, but while you were PUTTING OUT A FIRE HE CAUSED…

    Definitely a winner! I just hope he won’t “Carry” that grudge for too long!

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