My Hideous Patio Furniture Makes Me SAD


So, what happens after I mow the lawn on Sunday? My husband made the situation about 80 times more volatile by purchasing and assembling the patio furniture he’s been dreaming of. Why didn’t I accompany him to the store??? This is a question that might haunt me for the rest of my life.

First of all, we have no patio. We have concrete squares I (of course) laid out and intended to put a very small table and chairs on top of at some point.

Oh, but no. My husband found a table at Costco that he’s been talking about for weeks. It sounded pretty bad. White plastic, round, round bench attached under the table. But the bench OPENS for easy sitting. This didn’t tempt me in any way whatsoever to spend the $200 this table apparently cost us.

But he kept talking and talking about it. Finally I thought, okay, it’s going to look HORRIFIC. But let’s just take a look, and then he can return it for a refund. I mean, it sounds like something you’d see in a school cafeteria or fastfood restaurant, but how bad can it be? And how big could it possibly be? Our yard is small, but he promises the table is small too. Worst case scenario, he’ll take it back to the store.

Um, no he can’t. It took him 4 hours to put that piece of crap together. He said it was so big that he had to take it out of the box in order to get it into the car. No box + 4 hours to disassemble + my husband is SO IN LOVE with the table = there is NO WAY on earth he’s returning this thing.

Please, take a look at the photo of this thing and tell me: Does this table look “great” in our yard? Would you want to climb over those benches to try to sit down? Let’s be generous and lower the bar a little: Does this table look acceptable for any home-related use?

I suspect you will say “No, it does not, Holly. It does not.” But I’m very curious. Tell me your opinion.

PS. Perhaps I’m being a LITTLE sassy by putting the table in the corner so that it stands crookedly, half on grass, half on concrete stairs. But I don’t want it to kill all that grass. Plus, in the corner, I can’t see it when I look out the windows, which helps my mood.

19 Responses to “My Hideous Patio Furniture Makes Me SAD”

  1. No – it does not look inviting. It looks like it should be at the “in-house” playground at Burger Kings or Mickey “D”‘s. Sorry.

  2. Yes, this is precisely what I thought. I appreciate the confirmation.

    It’s okay. I have a plan. I will put this one in the garage (this way, husband is happy with dream to use it in the future “when we have a big patio”–this will be the lie I use as a decoy.) And I will get a nice table to go in the backyard. Something small, wooden, woodsy/outside looking.

  3. “No, it does not Holly. It does not.” Ewww…sorry, that is not inviting at all.
    I have a cute little “ice cream” table set I’ll send you that would fit right in.
    Hope you are having a great day!

  4. My dear, you are correct. It’s hideous.

  5. It’s super ugly. It looks like one of those “smoker tables”.. you know, where store employees go sit on their breaks to smoke, hidden in the corner..

  6. That is hideous. And simply perfect for a pregnant woman to hoist herself up on. Egads.

    I understand what you mean when you say it cannot be returned. My dear husband and I purchased a “build-it-yourself” file cabinet to help declutter (my goal, not his). Even though we had it for four weeks, he waited until the night before guests arrived to start building it (this was better than the time he decided to clean his closet an hour before we were having a party). Anyway, I went to check on him two hours in and delicately noted that it didn’t seem to be the right color (he convinced me it was just the lighting in our living room!) Well, it’s not the right color, nor is the over-wrought hardware even close to what is what supposed to be, and every time I open the lower drawer, the cabinet tends to tip over. He’s very sweet, and he tried very hard. But it now fills me with rage to file (something I, oddly enough, used to enjoy!)

  7. Oh.. I feel your pain. I’m so sorry. Maybe enlarge the patio stones some. OMG.

    I once let my hubby go buy a stereo system. I was in the middle of a good book and sat in the car. Stereo systems didn’t interest me..

    Then I look up. Coming out of the store ARE TWO CARTS.. HIM pushing one, the SALESMAN pushing the second. OMG.. the SPEAKERS COULD NOT FIT INTO THE VEHICLE. They got tied onto the roof. OMG.

    To this day… I remember. Stereo broke finally. THANK GOD. Speakers were replaced long before that event. They actually ended up in my barn. Eventually.

    SO. Feel your pain.

  8. Thank you so much, ladies. Sometimes it’s just nice to hear it from other people. And awfully fun to hear your stories too. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. This table could have EASILY ruined my week.

    But no more. Now, thanks to your confirmation of what I was pretty sure was true (the hideousness), I have the energy to figure out how to get this $200 thing into the garage and spend an additional $200 on a small, reasonable table.

    I will post a “before” and “after” photo for fun.

  9. I agree with Bianka.

    It will however, be good for kids and lemonade or messy art projects.

    It’s ugly, not very user-friendly, and doesn’t look residential.


  10. I hate to giggle at that plastic monstrosity in your backyard, but before I read the post I assumed that was the BEFORE picture. I was anxiously waiting to see a picture of some cool NEW lawn set. It’s icky. Good luck – hopefully you can find something on super clearance somewhere so it’s not such a lose! On the bright side, the kids can use it to play “1980’s McDonalds”. 🙂

  11. I’m new here but may I ask…you said your husband got the table from Costco. Did he actually purchase it or is it one of the tables from their cafeteria area where people sit & eat their $1.50 hotdog/drink combo? 😉 You’re absolutely right…this table w/attached benches shouldn’t be in your yard. Or anyone elses. But….hey, at least you have patio furniture. We don’t even have any. If we were to get some, *I* would have to be the one to go get it. But, I’m told we have no money for a set. Oh anyhoo…love your website. I’ve been looking around a little bit and thought I’d comment on this posting. Now, go make a tall pitcher of iced tea (or whatever you like) and get outside and utilize that picnic table set. 🙂 🙂

  12. It’s extremely unattractive, and on top of that, the sitter cannot pull the seat closer or farther from the table. A great minus, to my mind. Hey, sometimes I like to sit half facing out from the table, lounging back in my chair. Ain’t nobody going to do no loungin’ on them benches!

  13. Perhaps you could sell it on e-bay….

  14. “No, it does not, Holly. It does not.” “It really doesn’t”.

    I’ve got to agree it’s a wee bit cheesy, Holly, but you’ve got to start somewhere. Anyone say, “and your return policy is?”

    I’ve heard that Costco will take things (even used, ugly things) back for years.

    Good luck.

  15. Oh my gosh Holly- I found your site by googling I am sick and husband won’t take care of me. you are hilarious and I am going to read this blog every day. I have some great stories to share with you.. One day. This table is horrible.. It looks like it goes in the middle of sonic. I love it!

  16. I like the table, as it will be easy to slide into to sit. I do think it would look better though, if the whole table was sitting on the grass.

  17. It’s certainly not my style. That’s a rather large thing to buy just to look at and probably return it, though, isn’t it?.

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