Husband Clothes

My Aunt Kay used to be glamorous and beautiful. Now, she is still extremely beautiful on the inside, but on the outside, she looks exactly like Eric Clapton. See the photo of Eric Clapton above? She looks exactly like that. Except that she wears dark maroon lipstick. (Also, in case you’ve never noticed, Eric Clapton kind of looks like a skinny Al Gore. Therefore, Aunt Kay also resembles Al Gore. But don’t worry–she’s much “prettier”than Gore.) Oh, she also talks like Al Gore because she’s from Tennessee. So, imagine Eric Clapton talking like Al Gore and wearing dark lipstick and high heels–that’s my Aunt Kay.

Despite her near carbon copy resemblance to Eric Clapton and Al Gore, in the late 1950’s, my Aunt Kay was the most beautiful, glamorous young lady you could possibly imagine. She pretty much looked like a gorgeous human cat with a tight ponytail, slim but curvy figure, and Katie Couric legs balanced on stiletto heels any time she had a good reason to dress up. She was and is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. She also smoked for 20 years and her husband, My Uncle Buddy, never knew it. Or so she claims. Do you think he really knew? I’m not sure. But she had an x-ray with a spot in one of her lungs–don’t worry, it turned out to be nothing–then she stopped smoking. Aunt Kay is gentle and kind, but she has a will of steel. She was very innocent, sweet, and pious–and she still is.

But I’m getting off track. I wanted to tell you the story of how they met because it reminds me soooo much of something my husband would do.

My Uncle Buddy was also a knockout when he was young and isn’t so bad looking these days either, despite a large belly and being sort of elderly…one of those Sean Connery types–age cannot and will not stop his handsomeness.  He’s also very smart and very rich–that’s not really important, except it’s kind of cute because he was totally poor when he met Aunt Kay, and so was she.

He was a student studying at a college near the town where she lived. The topic of his interest was bugs. He was studying something about Japanese beetles. There were a lot of Japanese Beetles at my Aunt Eileen’s house. Kay helped Eileen with chores, so she was over there often. (Are you asking yourself how Uncle Buddy became rich by studying Japanese beetles? He didn’t. He became an attorney, in house counsel for a big corporation. I have no idea why he was studying beetles. I should ask.)

Well, Buddy had to set up a contraption that involved lots of wires. The wires didn’t cause an eyesore because they were very difficult to see and about 10 inches off the ground. He got permission from Eileen tostring the wire around her flower garden.

So, one day after work, Aunt Kay went to water the flowers. She didn’t see the wire, of course, as Buddy had cleverly made it difficult to see (as my husband might do). Therefore, Aunt Kay tripped over one of the wires and broke her ankle.

She was extremely angry about this when they met the first time shortly after. But then they started dating. Later, they got married. They were poor because he was a student for a long time. My grandmother sewed Kay’s wedding dress. Kay was the most beautiful bride I have ever seen in my life–well, I wasn’t there of course, but I have seen the photographs. And now, my Uncle Buddy is still very in love with her, and she is still very much in love with him…

What an interesting article I found this morning! The title is, The Stink in Farts Controls Blood Pressure. (May I add that this article is from Live Science, and NOT a humor magazine–therefore, it’s all true despite that it also happens to be funny).

Surprising fact: My husband doesn’t pass gas in the presence of others…even me. Considering all the other issues he has with hygiene, I find it shocking that he doesn’t constantly sit around passing gas. (I also have 3 young sons, however, and they fart nonstop…and when they aren’t farting, they are talking about farting…or butts or other related things…So it’s not like our house is fart-free, but it is very surprising that almost none of them are emitted by my husband.)

So, my husband doesn’t have this issue. However, I know for a fact that most men have serious issues with farting like crazy–they enjoy it, they call it to attention, they joke about it, and they even having contests involving it. This is really gross, and it could even make a female feel trapped in a yucky house with a yucky man, and she has to reckon daily with the fact that this huge fart bucket is her husband…forever. So, it seemed kind to pass this article along to any ladies out there who can’t understand how they trapped themselves into marriage with one big gas-passing machine…Believe it or not there is a SILVER LINING to this sulfur-induced cloud…It turns out that FARTS ARE HEALTHY. Read the article and see: The same chemical that makes the gas stink your house up also CONTROLS BLOOD PRESSURE!!!

No kidding! I think we all know what that means–now, you can look forward to many, many more years of your husband’s fart-related antics. Aren’t you glad you read Husband Clothes today??? heheheheheheheh.

Very sweet. My husband calls us every night when he works out of town.

That is extremely UNcharacteristic of him, yet he’s always done this when he goes out of town. Even when he worked in Canada for four months, he found a way to call us almost every day (without spending a ton of money–I think I got an AT&T thing). He isn’t a stay-in-touch kind of guy. He has lots of old friends from other cities. They call him and leave messages. He likes his friends, but he never calls them. Then they call ME trying to see where he is and to leave messages. As you can probably imagine, it’s really irritating when they start leaving me messages about why my husband needs to call them back– as if I REALLY CARE.

He loves his mom, but he never calls her or emails her. Therefore she emails me trying to catch up on news. I’d be happy to fill her in if she could readjust her personality. But she ruined getting updates by being 1) way too mean, 2) way too bossy, and 3) way too unable to understand other people’s perspectives on things–not just mine, everyone’s. Sorry lady, you get no updates ever.  As a matter of fact, we correspond so infrequently that I am not 100% sure she’s still alive, but I assume if she weren’t, my husband would have mentioned it.

Oh, I shouldn’t have mentioned her. This could have turned into a neverending post! ANYWAY, point being, despite calling no one else, my husband calls us every day. Now THAT is sweet. He really treasures us.

I’m so excited.

My husband lined up his next job, and thank goodness, it will be HERE. Well, kind of. At least technically he’ll be living at home, but most likely he’ll be working 24/7 as usual. He’ll he’ll have to drive all the way through Los Angeles each morning to get there, as this is in a studio right by Venice and Santa Monica. Therefore his commute will be completely atrocious in the morning, but hey at 2am at night when he comes home from work, the commute won’t be so bad. HA HA. I’m in a very humorous mood today!!!

It’s for the movie “2012.” If you haven’t heard about this movie, well, neither have I except that a thousand studios are hiring people to work on this movie. WOW. I mean every place. Sometimes that means the movie gets done really nicely artistically but isn’t very good plot-wise. Usually my husband works on those. He he. So, now that my husband will be working on “2012,” we can probably safely assume it will NOT be a blockbuster. hahahahhaha. Someone stop me!

Oh, sorry I let the word “yeehaw” slip out–that happens sometimes when I’m REALLY excited! Also, the phrase “fixin to…” which means “about to” and I turn words like “didn’t” into “di-un” and “cuz” instead of “because.” And of course, curse words. This really urks some of my friends who are not from the South, oh, which is almost all of my friends since I left Tennessee many years ago…

Anyway, I want to sound really sophisticated when I speak, so I’ve tried hard to stop saying things like “yeehaw,” but it’s very hard. Even harder than it was to stop smoking. Fortunately I’ve made some progress on the cursing, except when I’m riled (like right now).

Um, what happened to this post? It’s all over the place. Sorry–I’m so excited my husband will be working here again. Even if it is not very soon:) Taking care of our three little boys by myself isn’t the easiest thing in the world to do–but at least now I know my husband will come back before too long.

This photo is our 3rd baby. Newborns are so irresistable! We saved hundreds of dollars when we banked his cord blood. If this is something you want to do, save $250 with coupon code M4125 through Cord Blood Registry (CBR).

We really wanted to store his stem cells. We didn’t with our first son in 2001, and then kept reading news stories about stem cells being used to cure juvenile diabetes, leukemia, cerebral palsy, and other conditions in children and their siblings…I regretted not doing it. But it’s expensive…SO this time, I scoured the net for ways to bring the price down. Hope this information can help someone:

1. Use the above coupon code for $250 off: M4125
   You can use this discount code when you enroll by phone or online at Cord Blood Registry (CBR). (Here is the actual coupon.)
2. To further lower the cost, CBR offers payment plans. We did a 6 month plan with no interest.  (They have several payment plans that bring the cost down as low as $48 per month).
3. Save $125 more with a year of storage FREE. To do this, refer a friend to CBR. (She can also use the $250 cord blood coupon above.)

PS. Feel free to e-mail me with questions! It was very easy, and I would be happy to share–sometimes nicer to talk to a mother who did it rather than a rep at a company.

Darn. My husband left for his out of town job yesterday. I miss him already. It’s times like this when you realize how important family is and why you need them close. Well, at least the city is kind of close.

I just realized how we got along splendidly during this recent 2 months of unemployment.  I think it was because we (the boys and I) hadn’t seen him for sooooo long before that.  Last year at this time, we didn’t see him either, even though he was technically here. He worked almost 7 days each week till late, late at night through fall, winter, and spring.  So, during the past 2 months, though he did all of the same things he always did (meaning he constantly 1. told confusing, incomprehensible jokes 2. did really ugly stuff to the house 3. wore embarrassing clothes 4. did lots of other new things–like irritating barbecue-related things)… But it didn’t bother me like before. I was so glad to have him here that none of it mattered much at all.

Oh well. Back to independent living. At least it won’t last too terribly long, then he’ll be home again. (And of course, when I say at “home,” that actually means at “work,” as he usually works all the time. But still. It’s different when he’s out of town.)

I’m so sad. I just realized something that broke my heart.

My husband and I always laugh at my neighbor (at him, not with him) because he keeps junk everywhere. He designs movie sets, so he has tons of props–desks, chairs, baskets, typewriters from the 1950’s, Christmas decorations, Hanukkah decorations, Kwanzaa decorations, you name it, he’s got it. Since we’ve moved into this building, he’s had lots of things piled up in the nice grassy area at the left of our apartment building. That has always irritated the other tenants. We just try hard to stay away from that area and therefore don’t really notice it.

This guy has had every job imaginable–soldier, a school janitor, and more. But it was always his dream to work on movies. So, several years ago, he and is wife moved cross-country to Hollywood, and he achieved his dream! For several years he’s been designing movie sets (hence his need for the props he piles beside our building). Last year, however, work became scarce for him. With no work in 3 months, my neighbor needed to find funds or move back to New York, which would obviously mark the end of his dream.

Two months ago, he had a big yard sale. He sold lots and lots of his movie memorabilia and several props he’s collected over the past 30 years. He was very relieved because the money he made was enough swing it here by Hollywood for a few more months.

Well, just last weekend, we noticed that the irritating pile of junk on the left side of the apartment building has grown ten-fold. I thought, “My gosh. It looks like a used furniture store out here…” I started to get irritated like the other neighbors. Then I went a little closer to the pile and saw that each piece of furniture had a price tag. And it hit me–my poor neighbor is trying to sell his props. All of them. The ones he’s worked years to collect to build his business. Now he needs to sell them to pay his rent.

This made me so sad. It makes me remember my own hard times when everything, even a picture frame, seemed like a luxury. It also made me think of two movies on this topic. And while movies don’t pay the rent, they can sure relieve and inspire the soul. For any readers who seriously need an escape and a little inspiration, I strongly recommend the following movies–if you think YOU’RE having hard times, wait till you see these guys:

1. The Pursuit of Happyness starring Will Smith (the title is spelled incorrectly–that’s not a typo) and the sweetest little boy ever, though I don’t know his name, he’s a marvelous little actor. MAN this is a good movie about how the human spirit can somehow keep on going even when doors keep closing and closing…and then before you know it, things start looking up.
2. Cinderella Man starring Russell Crowe: Such a bad title for such an incredibly engaging and inspiring movie. It’s about family, love, hardtimes, and risks. It tells the TRUE story of a family who made it through the Great Depression. Note: I got so emotional during this movie that I had to pause it and find the ending on the Internet–pathetic, but true testimony as to how incredibly awesome this movie is!

My husband isn’t from the US originally. So his English isn’t perfect but it’s okay (considering that he hates studying and is pretty lazy about doing things he doesn’t like to do). Wow, when I put it that way, he sounds darn spoiled. Hm. Oh well.

Anyway, his writing is worse than his spoken English. And one of his very favorite hobbies in the world is posting stuff on political forums. But sometimes he doesn’t know how to write what he wants to say.

This can get very funny when he wants to address a poster who’s gotten on his nerves. Actually, he’s on the computer downstairs posting on political forums at this very minute. I’m on the computer upstairs reading about the Greater Depression. You probably know, but just in case, that’s what people are calling the current recession/depression…or sorry, according to some sources, the upcoming recession. Yes, the one that hasn’t been going on for a year already and which will take only one year to clear up, the “experts” say, despite that things are so bad we now need 700 dollars to bail us out…Yes, that one.

ANYWAY, back to the story. SO, my husband just sent me this Instant Message: How do you write BUTHAD?

Let me translate what this means: It means, “How do you spell butthead?” Apparently, he wanted to call another poster a butthead. But he didn’t know how to spell it correctly–so he inquired. How prudent of him.

I know, I know. You’re sitting there thinking, “Man, Holly Kay is one lucky lady. A husband who’s unemployed for 2 months,  sits around reading political forums rather than applying for jobs, and calls people names like butthead, yet can’t even spell that word correctly (even though it’s really two really easy  short words put together)…goodness, what more could she want in life?”

Yes, well, what can I say? I’m a lucky girl.

My husband and I have both been unemployed for two whole months! And I am here to say that our family is very, very, very, (I could repeat the word “very” 100 more times) lucky.

First, the unemployment began right when our third child was born. Oh! Ha ha! I just realized that this sounded ironic, though it wasn’t meant to…Why would I be happy that my husband and I are unemployed right when we have our third child??? Well, several reasons:

1. One could say that I haven’t seen my husband for an entire year due to his employment (before August, when he became unemployed). He was working on movie after movie after movie, and therefore, he was never home. Mind you, I don’t complain about his work hours due to years of unemployment a while back–I’m always thankful employment, always have been, it’s just the way I am…Nevertheless, this 2-month bout of unemployment=God send for my family.
2. I haven’t spent nearly enough time with my children during 2008 and for a few years before that. Why? Because of my employment. I do work hard to balance work and family, and sometimes I do a great job! But sometimes I do a lousy job, and family is far too important for that. So, occasional unemployment is a perfect cure! Thank goodness I had 2 months to think this through thoroughly:)
3. My husband and I had savings (though shamefully small) to fall back on. Not a ton, but enough. Remember, half of our marriage, we had employment issues (okay, he did, not me, and by “issues” I mean he had no job) BUT…the other half we have moved a thousand times and stuff=costly. So, it was hard to build savings. But we deprived ourselves of many nice things and we built one. And now we have spent it. HAHAHHHA. So amusing. Oh, but main point: We had it when we needed it.
4. My husband and I are officially employed as of Monday. Back to normal for us–on a holiday nonetheless. After a 2-month holiday, I won’t complain. But many people are not so lucky. This is disturbing me a great deal, and I keep trying to think of ways to help. I may have one or two ways to help on a small scale–but they may not help very much…We shall see.

So, I’m in one of my occasional (alright, almost non-existent) deep moods. In a way, our country, and apparently the entire world, is lucky to be experiencing this recession. We’ll learn to spend time with our families, help each other more, and once again after a few decades, college grads will be grateful for, not scornful about, their first jobs. People will be thankful for their possessions and not constantly trying to upgrade, outdo, redo, and purchase anew…

So, on one hand, I’m really thankful. Unfortunately, I keep coming back to this–ya know, some children are going to have a hard time getting a meal because their parents can’t find work. This thought is very difficult to cope with. It’s making me really sad.

My husband is a know-it-all. He can correct anyone or anything, and he doesn’t find that annoying, insecure, or at all offensive.

We were in my child’s karate class the other day. The teacher is like 35 and has studied karate for at least 15 years, um like probably 8 or 9 years LONGER than my husband studied wrestling…Notice I said wrestling, and NOT karate.

She said there are something like 15 “judo sweeps” they’ll learn, and she would teach them one of them during this particular class. I know nothing about martial arts or anything vaguely even related to sports or exercise, BUT I gather that a “judo sweep” is a judo move where you make another person fall down.

She explained and demonstrated the judo sweep, and my husband whispers to me, “Ha! That’s not the way to do that move.”

I was like, “Uhhh first of all  you never studied karate. Wrestling is not karate. Secondly, she said there are 15 judo sweeps. This is probably a different one than the one you’re thinking of.”

He responds, “Nope. I know all of them. This is the same one. I guess she’s doing it correctly, but I know a trick that she’s not teaching them.”

I said, “Dear, I’m sure she knows the ‘trick’ you know. She just doesn’t want to confuse the children.” What I really meant by this was, “Shut up, please.” But I didn’t want to hurt his feelings because I love him, despite things like this.