Husband Clothes

Hi All! I’ve noticed many of my blogger friends, like myself, have not been posting as frequently. Could it be the holiday cooking, holiday shopping, and holiday economy?

Anyway, in the spirit of saving lots of money these holidays, I have done a new page! It contains numerous coupon promo code links, along with stores that are offering a free shipping coupon code as well! The stores are good ones–Armani Exchange, Express, CompUSA, ESPN Shop, FlowerShop.com, GourmetGiftBaskets.com, and several others.

PS. The coupon promo code on some sites ends December 31. The free shipping coupon code on several of them ends soon as well-but most last through December! But hopefully you (and I) will purchase holiday gifts before then.

Oh my, look at this article in Time magazine about depression after marriage. Who’d a guessed that this is so common? One lady in the article is quoted as saying that she was crying before guests even left the reception! Doesn’t that seem odd? Maybe not. But I was way happy at my wedding, despite that even there my husband did a BUNCH of dumb stuff. This included:

1. Insisting on peeking at me right before the wedding because I had begged him not to–per superstitions. (I don’t believe superstitions, but follow the really important ones nonetheless, you know, just in case. My husband enjoys making fun of this, and it REALLY makes me mad!)
2. Hiding the flower that went on his tux. My husband insisted that “real men don’t wear flowers.” The problem is that not just anyone decided that flower should go on his tux. My AUNT SELMA decided the flower should go on the tux. She helped me plan the wedding. It quickly became clear that I would be allowed to choose to things: my dress and the colors at the wedding. Outside of this I had only one request: there must be NO SINGING at my wedding. So, right before I walked down the aisle, I was very surprised to hear not ONE but TWO solos–opera-style singing by the way.  (Aunt Selma explained that really this wasn’t “singing” because these songs are fundamental to any wedding, not “extra” like most songs.) Anyway, I’m not sure I can adequately explain the issues it would have caused for my husband to avoid wearing the flower…But suffice to say, if Aunt Selma pins a flower on your tux, it’s NOT a good idea to not remove it.
3. When we looped our arms to drink a sip of “wine” (aka grapejuice per my conservative Tennessee childhood church attended by Aunt Selma, which bans alcohol), he somehow ended up turning me around backwards. Considering my husband’s social graces, I suppose I’m lucky I didn’t end up upside down. In all of those photos, only my back is visible, and my arm looks awkwardly twisted. That’s fine–I’m used to looking like a fool in photos, why would wedding photos be any different from other photos? Thank goodness Aunt Selma made darn sure that my hair and wedding dress looked beautiful from all angles–it takes all of the focus of of my twisted arm.

Oh, I should add that, despite all of the dumb things he did that day, the only thing I remember from the ceremony is this one: Walking up the aisle, I was very worried about how nervous my husband probably felt. He is very shy and up to that day had probably never, ever stood in front of a crowd of people.

So, when I reached the front of the aisle, I looked at him hoping he would look calm. He looked so happy to see me. Then he whispered really, really quietly in Russian the word “krasatvitsa.” That means “beautiful girl.”

Aw. What a nice memory:)

WHOAH, what happened to my review of the article? Uhhhhhh, well, see, it’s in Time Magazine. That means the content is undeniably mainstream. Everyone gets a little disenchanted with their partner. What a relief to know–it’s normal!

What crazy times we’re in! Being a huge news junky, and somewhat pessimistic conspiracy-theory follower, I decided that the Greater Depression is indeed at hand and it’s time to insulate my family. I TOTALLY GOT A JOB.  And I’m soooo excited about it.

But I must admit, it’s going to be odd to work around people again. I will be working as a web copywriter at a place that does lots of Internet stuff…so, the office is full of  young men. Some of them, I noticed, are quite good-looking. That’s okay though, because a) I plan on being anti-social and staying in my cubicle at all times and b) should any of them try to flirt with me, I will either not realize it, or if that person is attractive, stay far, far away from him from that moment on. I’m an Aries. I steer clear of hot stuff at all times, especially hot guys (except, of course, my husband).

I hope everyone is enjoying this discussion because it just frightened me. I am about to get a new job in a new field, and rather than talking about what I’m supposed to talk about in this post, I end up talking about hot guys? Am I in high school? Or am I happily married with three children? This blog scares me sometimes.

OKAY, but what I was TRYING to write about is the ACTOR’s STRIKE. It appears that they will strike. Who wants to start a movie if you can’t finish it due to an actor’s strike? Lots of money would be wasted…For this reason, many studios stopped making movies months ago. So an actor’s strike could definitely affect my husband’s job.  But since he does work toward the end of movies, the delay for him would not happen immediately, rather many months after the strikes start (if they start).

With this and our recent 3 months of no paychecks (2 months of unemployment + 1 month waiting for checks even after starting work), I thought, “Hey, maybe I should get a job.”  My salary has been a dependable back-up for us for several years…until last spring when publishers stopped publishing books. (Not literally, but even the big guys like Random House and Pearson had huge lay-offs, so obviously they are printing fewer books, which means fewer projects for me and others.)

SO I applied for this job that looked really awesome (and turned out to be as awesome as it looked), and I got it! Hadn’t interviewed in 7 years. Boy, if you want to feel old, do something you haven’t done in over 5 years. Anyway, I got the job right in time. Now if the actor’s go on strike, we’re all covered. And if the economy continues to tailspin, I’ve done my best to insulate us. By the way, images I keep seeing of my husband staying at home with our children terrify me–I’m seeing candy and cake for meals and my 2nd grader making it to school each day after lunch…But hopefully we’ll BOTH keep our jobs, and mine will be back-up.

My ultimate goal is to prove how reliable I am and see if there might be telecommuting possibilities down the road. Though it also might be nice to ONLY work till 5pm and not 9-11pm each night like I’ve had to for the past 5 years. But I’ll keep you posted:)

Ha ha! I have strict deadlines and a project that is STRESSING ME OUT. So I took a few moments to imagine ways Barack Obama and John McCain would irritate me if I were married to them. Don’t worry–I am perfectly aware that their standards far surpass anything I would have to offer them–but this blog is about making fun of husbands, not myself (many other people do that), so here are a few of my thoughts:

Ways Obama would irritate me if he were my husband:

1. He would begin sentences slowly but finish them too  quickly for me to keep up with him. Kind of like the way he says, “Now (slowly), here’s what we gotta do (at the speed of light)…”
2. Arguments would be embarrassing. I’d scream, curse, and cry, while he’d stare at me with the same strange-looking fake smile he had throughout each debate with John McCain.
3. If I tried to brag about being Salutatorian in high school in 1991, he’d say stuff like, “Big deal. I also graduated in 1991, magna cum laude from Harvard law school.”
4. He would refuse to talk about race, yet people would stare at us a lot because we’d be a biracial couple.
5. He wouldn’t let people stand behind us at political rallies if they were wearing turbans.
6. If I tried to talk about how hard my life is, he’d say things like, “Excuse me, but did you ever try to run for US president as a black male with the middle name Hussein during the war with Iraq? Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
7. If I tried talking about how ugly my hair looks, he’d say, “Take a look at these ears on my head, and then tell me about your hair.”
8. He’d pretend to view me as an equal, despite that he’s a millionaire and I’m painfully un-rich and un-sophisticated.
9. He’d always want me to dress nicely. Therefore, he would most likely disapprove of what I like to call “my fall outfit”. (That’s the outfit I wear almost every day during the fall). He’d probably try to make me go shopping. That would REALLY get on my nerves.
10. My name would be Holly Obama, which sounds like some type of holiday decoration rather than a person. (I can clearly imagine Hillary Clinton yelling, “HONEY! Do you know where we put the Holly Obama’s??! I can’t find them anywhere!”)

Ways McCain would irritate me if he were my husband:

1. He wouldn’t remember how many houses we own. That would really annoy me.
2. He would get angrier and act crazier than I would during arguments. That would frighten me.
3. If I tried to talk about difficulties, he’d blow me off and say “Oh poor martyr. Try being a prisoner of war.”
4. If I tried talking about physical pain, he’d say stuff like”Try breaking BOTH of your arms and one of your legs in a plane crash when your military jet is shot down in Hanoi, North Vietnam, sissy girl.”
5. If I acted like I knew more than him, he’d say, “Um, I think I know more than you. I’m 78.”
6. If I tried to say mean things about female friends or relatives, he’d say, “Ever tried to deal with Sarah Palin? Didn’t think so.”
7. He would use quote signs with his hands, despite that usually only women do this, and even for us girls, the hand quote signs are on their way out.
8. When we’d go on walks, he’d move a little too slowly for me. Okay, much too slowly. (I walk a lot, and I walk fast.)
9. If I tried to brag about knowing Spanish language, he’d say, “Big deal. I was born in Panama.” (As he said “big deal,” he’d make quote signs with his hands.)
10. When I get on his nerves, he’d try to make me jealous by muttering stuff like, “Too bad you can’t zap people with your florescent blue laser eyes like my ex-wife Cindy could.” (He’d make quote signs with his hands as he said “laser eyes.”)

How would they irritate you? Can’t WAIT to hear.

Any $500 gift always makes a great gift in my book! Still, a reader asked me to recommend a $500 gift for his significant other.  I’m not entirely sure how one could go wrong getting a gift in the $500 price range, but nevertheless…I scoured the Internet for good choices. After narrowing down the gift list, I asked my (VERY PICKY) girlfriends  which gifts would meet their personal approval. A gal-approved list follows. I went ahead and threw in a $500 gift or two for guys as well. For fun. And family add-on gifts–not in the $500 range, but fine gifts that could not possibly fail to please!

Note: The jewelry gifts are probably the best at this point because both Zales and Gordon’s offer free FedEx shipping. Amazon, however, also offers express shipping for free through super saver shipping.

For Her	Details
	A precious 14K white gold heart set with magnificent colorless diamonds 1/2 ct. $429.50 (was $599)FREE FedEx shipping. Free giftwrap.Order from Zales
	This 10K gold bracelet has 12 emeralds accented by 24 round diamonds in a prong setting. 7.0 inches in length. $429.50 (was $599.99)FREE FedEx shipping. Free giftwrap.Order from Zales
	A ladies’ Wittnauer Warwick stainless steel watch with mother of pearl and diamond bezel accents. Water-resistant watch with a two-year Buckle to Buckle™ warranty. $495FREE FedEx shipping. Free giftwrap.Order from Zales
	Any Prada handbag will do! This one is super chic, black leather. You really can’t go wrong with Prada OR black leather handbags. $399 (was $699)FREE super saver shipping. Free giftwrap.Order from Amazon.Com
	This 14K gold necklace is perfect for a day or evening on the town.  Beads of black and white onyx. 40 inches. $431.10 (was $479)FREE FedEx shipping. Free giftwrap.Order from Zales
	This 14K gold over sterling silver necklace showcases the beauty of round citrine and oval tiger’s eye. $494.10 (was $549)FREE FedEx shipping. Free giftwrap.Order from Zales
	This 14K white gold necklace shines with a diamond-cut fancy bead design. 17 inch with claw clasp. $499FREE FedEx shipping. Free giftwrap. Order from Zales
	Canon Rebel XS 10.1MP Digital SLR Camera with EF-S 18-55mm f/3.5-5.6 IS Lens (Black). $478.95 (was $599.99)FREE super saver shipping.Order from Amazon
	This men’s Bulova chronograph watch has a black dial with 3 subdials for day, date, and 24-hour time. The case and bracelet are stainless steel and feature a diamond bezel and diamond hour markers. Water-resistant to 30 meters. Two-year limited warranty. $506.25FREE shipping. Use a Gordon’s Jeweler credit card and save 15%.Order from Gordon’s Jeweler’s
	This ESQ Quest™ chronograph with black crocodile style leather strap in a stainless steel case is styled with a big date display, luminous hands, snap-on press style case back with Swiss quartz movement. Water resistant to 30 meters. $450FREE shipping. Use a Gordon’s Jeweler credit card and save 15%.Order from Gordon’s Jewelers
	This men’s Bulova stainless steel chronograph bracelet watch has a silver tone dial and subdials in a round case with a diamond bezel. Water-resistant to 30 meters. Two-year limited warranty. $506.25FREE shipping. Use a Gordon’s Jeweler credit card and save 15%.Order from Gordon’s Jewelers
	With two Baby Einstein DVDs and books covering subjects such as shapes, colors, music and nature. Also includes rattles, bath toys, classical music CD for babies. $279.99Order from FlowerStore.Com
	This French gift basket includes Moet & Chandon White Star Champagne, pink champagne biscuits, artisan dark chocolate, old-fashioned truffles, honey, Paris caramels, butter cookies, Clementine preserves, Strawberry preserves, famous Hediard Tea, hot chocolate, pink dragees, and a Parisian favorite, Apricots in Amaretto. $199.99Order from GourmetGiftBaskets.Com

Dooce is pregnant! Heather Armstrong is pregnant! I am kind of behind the times, so I didn’t know anything about Heather Armstrong (aka “Dooce”) till several months ago. But as I said, it appears that she’s pregnant (again)! Wow. Why am I so excited? Because pregnancy recently earned me this precious little guy

Assuming you are much more “with it” than me, you have probably long known about the famous blogger Dooce, right? She’s a Southern girl who grew up Mormon, but then decided not to be Mormon. In case you don’t know who she is, to make a long story short, she worked in LA with internet stuff, got fired from her job for her blog, got famous for that, actually coining the term “got dooced” meaning “got fired for something blog-related.” THEN she had horrible post partum depression and had to go to a hospital and blogged about that too…Now she lives in Salt Lake City, Utah and writes notes to her daughter each month. She’s very open and curses like a sailor. She makes a lot of people mad, but tens of thousands of people read her blog (literally).

Well, her latest post says that she’s about 2 months she’s PREGNANT with her second child!!?

Little known fact: Dooce (or Heather Armstrong) grew up in Barlett, Tenessee. I lived in Bartlett too, till the ripe old age of 8.  It’s possible that Heather and my sister could have been in kindergarten together, as Dooce’s blog says she graduated high school in 1993, the same year as my sister. If Heather weren’t so famous, and if she didn’t get thousands of emails every day, I’d ask her if she by any chance remembers my sister–the girl with three boyfriends, including one who threw up every day at naptime.

Even lesser known fact: The due date of Dooce’s baby is my sister’s birthday, June 14. That’s also Flag Day. he he. A very fun day, indeed.

So with Flag Day, Barlett, 1975, and boyfriend throwing up at naptime…Do you think Dooce and my sister have a cosmic connection? I doubt it. I’m the only one in my family who keeps up with blogs–my sister has no idea who Dooce is.

Perhaps if I kept up with blogs just a little less frequently I could make more progress on the horrid writing project that I am suppose to be working on. THANKS.

This will have to be a short story because it could lead to me hating my husband. And we wouldn’t want that. He was in a fender bender last April. It bent his fender just enough that the front license tag wouldn’t stay on. No offense to any BMW owners out there, but frankly, it irritates me enough that my husband feels the need to drives this materialistic car. You see, I prefer more crashed up type, less expensive cars like my own (see her in all of her beauty right here.)

Now, I felt that I was rather patient about the fender bender. Especially considering that it was my husband’s fault, and further considering that my husband had a traffic ticket right before that for moving into the left turn lane too soon. (And, I should mention that I had told him soooo many times that he was doing that too early and one day he’d get in trouble. But would he listen? Oh noooo. So what happened? TICKET in the amount of $300. THANKS for THAT.)

Where was I? Oh yes, fender bender. So, he was riding around with no license tag on the front of his car. Have I ever mentioned that though my husband is handsome, he kind of looks like a terrorist? I’m not exactly sure what I mean by that, but many people have said it…It’s not like you can say “a terrorist looks like this or that”…But there’s something very mean and scary looking about him–though he’s very kind and gentle (and handsome). ANYWAY, I don’t know about you, but if I looked like a terrorist, I would NOT be riding around without a license tag on my car…especially anywhere near LAPD territory. Please. Heck no.

SO,  I kept telling my husband to put the license tag back on. He said the plastic thing around the tag was broken, that’s all. I thought, “That’s all? Okay, good, put it on the car then.” To no avail. He didn’t put it on the car. I forgot all about this.

TILL I GOT A YELLOW BILL in the mail from a Los Angeles court saying my husband missed his court appearance for his $400 ticket for having no license tag, and since he missed the court and didn’t pay bail, we now owe $700. HU? But then I read that lucky us, if I pay it right now, it’ll still only be $400. Only $400. Yay.

So, in summary: my husband caused a car accident, and proceeded to drive without his front license tag for months afterward insisting it was easy to fix. Then he got a ticket for not fixing it, forgot to pay the ticket, and even forgot to show up at the court thing where you can contest the charge…How is this possible?

So help me if that man gets one more ticket this year, I’m setting his dumb BMW on fire.

My husband is working out of town still. So, he came home last weekend. Of course, we were all ecstatic! It was so nice to see him. And oo la la, he’s been working out. He was Trim Husband. Sharp Sexy Jawline Husband. I love it when that happens.

But even on his hottest days, he’s still HIM. Part of being him means that he hasn’t done laundry in the entire month he’s been gone. Why? Well, he can’t figure out how to use the laundry card (which cost us $20) in the apartment they stuck him in. Hey–I’ve heard using some laundry cards is as complicated as driving a 747. HA HA. No I haven’t. (Oops, that was quite an unfunny joke–very similar to the kind my husband tells…)

ANYWAY,  not being able to figure out how to use the laundry card is not the end of this story, nor the dumbest part of it.

Like a college student, my husband packed up his dirty laundry and intended to bring it home for me to clean. (This is probably the real reason he visited us, and not because he “missed” us as he claimed.) As I mentioned, he’s been there for a month–so we’re not talking a little laundry. We’re talking, a whole huge bag full.

Did you notice how I said “intended to bring it home”? Yes. So, he says he put the clothes in a white bag right before he drove down. And he filled the car up with gas for the trip. And he bought some snacks for the drive down. And he took out his trash, which was also in a white bag. Isn’t that a funny coincidence?

Well, it certainly is. Because what he did was throw away two white bags–one of them contained trash. The other contained his laundry.

I don’t know about YOU, but after three months of unemployment (for BOTH of us), I can really think of NO better way to spend about $300 than on clothing that my husband threw in the garbage by accident. But that’s all fine. Don’t worry bout me. I love spending hundreds of dollars for no reason. I do. Especially after three months of unemployment. Really, I like all of that a lot.