For some reason, I decided to take a few moments to contemplate ways Barack Obama and John McCain would irritate me if I were married to them. Don’t worry–I am perfectly aware that their standards far surpass anything I would have to offer them–but this blog is about making fun of husbands, not myself (plenty of other people do that), so here are a few of my thoughts:
Ways Obama would irritate me if he were my husband:
- He would begin sentences slowly but finish them too quickly for me to keep up with him. Kind of like the way he says, “Now,” (slowly)…”Here’s what we gotta do” (at the speed of light)…
- Arguments would be embarrassing. I’d scream, curse, and cry, while he’d stare at me with the same strange-looking fake smile he had throughout each debate with John McCain.
- If I tried to brag about being Salutatorian in high school in 1991, he’d say stuff like, “Big deal. I also graduated in 1991, magna cum laude from Harvard law school.”
- He would refuse to talk about race, yet people would stare at us a lot because we’d be a biracial couple.
- I might start smoking on the sly again (like he does), and that would really make me mad.
- If I tried to talk about how hard my life is, he’d say things like, “Excuse me, but did you ever try to run for US president as a black male with the middle name Hussein during the war with Iraq? Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
- If I tried talking about how ugly my hair looks, he’d say, “Take a look at these ears on my head, and then tell me about your hair.”
- He’d pretend to view me as an equal, despite that he’s a millionaire and I’m painfully un-rich and un-sophisticated.
- He’d always want me to dress nicely. Therefore, he would most likely disapprove of what I like to call “my fall outfit”. (That’s the outfit I wear almost every day during the fall). He’d probably try to make me go shopping. That would REALLY get on my nerves.
- My name would be Holly Obama, which sounds like some type of holiday decoration rather than a person. (I can clearly imagine Hillary Clinton yelling, “HONEY! Do you know where we put the Holly Obama’s??! I can’t find them anywhere!”)
Ways McCain would irritate me if he were my husband:
- He wouldn’t remember how many houses we own. That would really annoy me.
- He would get angrier and act crazier than I would during arguments. That would frighten me.
- If I tried to talk about difficulties, he’d blow me off and say “Oh poor martyr. Try being a prisoner of war.”
- If I tried talking about physical pain, he’d say stuff like, “Try breaking BOTH of your arms and one of your legs in a plane crash when your military jet is shot down in North Vietnam, sissy girl.”
- If I acted like I knew more than him, he’d say, “Um, I’m almost 80. I think I know more than you do.”
- If I tried to say mean things about female friends or relatives, he’d say, “Ever tried to deal with Sarah Palin? Didn’t think so.”
- He would use quote signs with his hands, despite that usually only women do this (and that even for females, this gesture really looks geeky and out of style.)
- When we’d go on walks, he’d move a little too slowly for me. Okay, much too slowly. (I walk a lot, and I walk fast. And let’s face it–McCain can barely move.)
- If I tried to brag about knowing Spanish language, he’d say, “Big deal. I was born in Panama.” (As he said “Panama,” he’d make quote signs with his hands.)
- When I get on his nerves, he’d try to make me jealous by muttering stuff like, “Too bad you can’t zap people with your florescent blue laser eyes like my ex-wife Cindy could.” (He’d make quote signs with his hands as he said “zap.”)
How would they irritate you? Can’t WAIT to hear.