Husband Clothes

Help husband. Help husband quickly, especially when he tries to go shopping.

Funny–I was JUST about to write a post about how much fun we had last weekend! He acted SO NORMAL. He did normal things! He didn’t dress normally, but that’s to be expected. He wore a beige fleece sweatshirt with these really thin black sweatpants the whole weekend–and I almost certain these “sweatpants” are actually a pair of long johns. He thinks he has people fooled–but not me. But I have our three young boys to keep up with, so hey, if my husband wants to wear long johns in public, more power to him.

Yeah, so I was going to post how normal he acted (other than the long johns). Oh, also he totally forgot to buy me a Christmas present. However, I also forgot to buy him one, so we cancelled each other out on that one. Not much to complain about. We’re just not present people–it was a little irritating though when he said, “Did you buy me something?” and I asked, “No why?” And like the spoiled husband he is, he replied, “Thank goodness. You never buy the right things.” Precisely. That’s why I stopped trying. And he never started trying, so as I said, that’s fine. Thank heaven I have so few expectations–clearly expectations would create issues in our marriage. (hahahah!!! good one!)

SO, wasn’t I trying to say something about how normal he acted? Well, forget that. But we did have a GREAT time!!! However, there is a reason this post is titled “Help Husband When Shopping”…Today he went to the store again. He calls me on the phone as I’m tucking the boys into bed. He says, “You will never BELIEVE what I found!”

I get all excited, “What! What did you find!? Is it for me?” That was such a dumb question. But the response was soooo much dumber.

“Yes, it’s for all of us! It’s a HAMMOCK.” Uuuuhhhhhh, our “backyard” is only like 10 by 10. We have no front or side yard. Where does he think the hammock is going to go? I was already annoyed.

So I explained, “Honey, a hammock isn’t going to fit in our yard AT ALL. Don’t buy it.” I didn’t mention the obvious fact that we don’t NEED a hammock, our boys could seriously injure themselves on a hammock, and I hate hammocks because I fall out of them but keep trying to lie down in them regardless. For this reason they negatively affect my self-esteem.

Then he said: “That’s okay. We don’t have to put it in the yard. It’s the kind of hammock you can stand up on its own.” Hu? Oh good. So, you mean we can put it anywhere? Like the living room? Or the kitchen? I have a better idea–how about the stairs? Because I can’t think of another area in our extremely small apartment where we could FIT A HAMMOCK. See why I said to help my husband? Man, glad I nipped that one in the bud.

Look at the email I got today! It kind of looks like another email I got last week. See my responses–as you can imagine, I was just full of wonder. he he

Here writes Novell Frances Anne, suffering from cancerous ailment. (Hi Novell, here reads Holly Kay suffering from ADHD ailment.) I am married to  Engineer David Novell an Englishman who is dead. (Um, not to be mean, but I think you meant “was married,” since he’s dead…no?) My husband was into private practice all his life before his death. (I’m glad he was into private practice. I’m into blogging. What’re you into?) Our life together as man and wife lasted for three decades without child. My husband died after a protracted illness. (What’s a protractor illness? Sorry, couldn’t resist.) My husband and I made a vow to uplift the down-trodden and the less-privileged individuals as he had passion for persons who can not help themselves due to physical disability or financial predicament. (So, I’m getting this email because I am down-trodden and less priviledged? Wow, thanks!) I can adduce  this to the fact that he needed a Child from this relationship, which never came. (Well, “adduce” is not a word. Do you mean “a Dooce,” as in the famous blogger? That makes no sense.)

When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of 2 Million (2 Million Great Britain Pounds Sterling) which were derived from his vast estates and investment in capital market with his bank here in UK. Presently, this money is still with the Bank. (Really–you don’t need any of it?) Recently, my Doctor (Good rule of thumb: when you capitalize a word, ask yourself why. If you don’t know why, don’t capitalize.) told me that I have limited days to live due to the cancerous problems I am suffering from. (Yes, the cancerous ailment…you mentioned that) Though what bothers me most is the stroke that I have in addition to the cancer. (Man, that would bother me too!) With this hard reality that has befallen my family I have decided to donate this fund to you and want you to use this gift which comes from my husbands effort to fund the upkeep of widows, widowers, orphans, destitute, the down-trodden, physically challenged children, barren-women and persons who prove to be genuinely handicapped financially (Got it. How do they go about proving it?)

It is often said that blessed is the hand that giveth. (Oh yes, I say that every day. Just joking. hahahahaha.) I took this decision ( you mean “made this decision”) because I do not have any child that will inherit this money (yes, you already mentioned that) and my husband relatives are bourgeois and very wealthy persons and I do not want my husband’s hard earned money to be misused or invested into ill perceived ventures. (Yes, obviously the only other option is to give the money to a stranger. Good thinking!) I do not want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner, hence the reason for taking this bold decision. (Very bold decision. BTW, how did you get my email address?)

I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. (I have no idea what that sentence means, but I am very glad that it doesn’t make you feel afraid.) I know that I am going to be with the Almighty when I eventually pass on. The Almighty will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. (Hold your piece of what? hahahahh, that’s a joke my husband would tell–actually, his jokes aren’t very funny.) I do not need any telephone communication in this regard due to my deteriorating health and because of the presence of my husbands relatives around me.  (Oh, I would never talk on the phone to a stranger if I was planning on giving her 2 million British pounds–that would be SO DUMB.) I do not want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible.

As soon as I receive your reply (Do you ever use a comma? Guess not.) I shall give you the contact of the bank in UK. I will also issue you  a Letter of Authority (Hm…a letter isn’t a person, a month, a day, or a holiday is it? No, I don’t believe it is–so no reason to capitalize. Remember: no reason=no capital.) that will empower you as the original beneficiary of this fund. My happiness is that I lived a life worthy of emulation. (Absolutely. I know I will emulate you to the fullest.)

Please always be prayerful all through your life. (Okay.) Please assure me that you will act just as I have stated herein. (You didn’t really say anything about how to act, but other that that, I assure you I will act as you specified herein at all times.) Hope to hear from you soon and God bless you and members of your family. You can contact me through my private email address:frances_160@hotmail.com (THANK YOU SO MUCH Novell, can you give me your address? I’d like to send you flowers. Also a grammar guide. No offense!)  Novell Frances Anne.

I LOVE looking at the words and phrases that lead people to this blog. It’s a psychology thing. I am curious about what people think and how they feel–even if I have no idea who the person is. Worry not–I have no idea who uses the words in searches…I only see the search words that lead them to this blog.

Some of them totally crack me up. Here are a few recent examples:

my husband is a freak
dumb things my husband does
Vladimir Putin handsome
confused people, funny
husband can’t pass driving test
ugly new patio furniture

Some make me sad. Here are real recent examples of those:

i’ve had bad luck with both my wives
depression before my wedding
how long is the power struggle stage
affair divorce regret
I get blamed for everything
my husband always wants other lady
husband didn’t show up for marriage
a method to use to leave your husband
failed driving test 10 times

Still others make me ponder who needs to know about this and why, and moreover, why the search query results included my blog. Real examples:

sparkly cloth for psychics
russian jokes translated goat
dooce what do mormons thing
sayings with thyroid

And then there is my all-time favorite search query that lead a person to my blog. It lead here due to a post I wrote about how irritating the monkey grass in my yard has become. A very amusing query topic indeed:

how to smoke monkey grass

PS. This blog is about to be upgraded. Look out. I rarely ever do upgrades on anything–it could get hairy, and that might even be an understatement. Check back in about a week to see the potential disaster! (Fortunately, I have the help of a very talented technical person–so if I can just stay out of her way, hopefully all will go smoothly.)

Need a few jewelry coupon codes? Well, me too. I need them so that my husband can use them to buy me a beautiful diamond gift for the holidays. (This is not going to happen, but why not share with those who have hope of getting a great gift from his or her significant other?! I’m generous that way…) To get the discount, click on the link below, and then use the code HOLIDAYAFF28 when you order to save $50 off $200 or more:

GordonsJewelers.com - Promo Code: HOLIDAYAFF28
(Expires December 24, 2008)

Also they are giving FREE FedEx shipping for orders over $100–I think you can use this with the above promotion. (Anyone who gets both, please let me know by email!)

There is not a lot of husband news to report. But since this blog i comprised mostly of stories about irritating things my husband does, no news is good news!

But I do have a rather entertaining story. It’s about a very good friend of mine–Amy. Some people think Amy seems mean, but actually she’s SO kind. Also honest to a fault. No need to spend even 30 seconds thinking, “Now what did Amy really mean?” You know what she really meant because she said it. But not because she thinks her opinion is SO important–just because she thinks it’s important to be honest. Oh, but she’s not like many opinion blabbers who want to be honest with others but can’t handle it when others are honest with them. No, Amy can both “dish out” and “take” honesty, even when it’s directed at her.

She and I were discussing my many ventures over the past year. I refer to these ventures usually as my “work” or my “projects,” as the goal of the ventures is to make money. However they often don’t. But that’s fine because I like risk-taking and trying new things. It’s kind of like my Spanish–it may be incomprehensible, but no one can stop me from speaking it. Oh, except when my Spanish stresses out native Spanish speakers. Like when a hispanic lady asked me for directions the other day–she ended up kind of pleading with me to speak English, not Spanish. In that case, I stopped speaking Spanish–because it was the polite thing to do!

Anyway, this “compliment” Amy recently paid me has had me laughing aloud since she said it. She I were discussing my recent unsuccessful ventures the other day, thinking of changes to make or related ventures that might work better. And from this conversation resulted probably my #1 favorite friend quote of all time:

Amy says: “Hey, do you know what I love about you? You keep failing over and over, but you’re okay with it!”

How’s THAT for a compliment?! I think if there is an award for failing, I should definitely receive it. Hands down. Don’t even try to be a bigger failure than me–you don’t stand a chance. If you don’t believe me, ask my friend Amy.

HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!

Stop it right NOW. Unless I am misreading something, I think HusbandClothes.Com now has a PAGERANK. In GOOGLE.

Do you know how long I had no pagerank? People kept asking my pagerank, and I would just kind of say “oh, well, it’s zero” and try to make it sound like I felt cool to have a pagerank of zero.

Anyway, suddenly today I noticed page rank of 3. Stop it! One of the few accomplishments I might make this year–wow, just in time too! I feel that my husband should congratulate me. He may have the bigtime career, but baby, I GOT PAGERANK. (Unless I misread something. If I did, feel free to humiliate me by pointing this out in the comments under this blog:) No but seriously, please do point it out if I misread–I would not want to be all excited for nothing.

See this photo. Does it look a little ODD? Can you even guess what the purple and yellow stuff in the vase is? (Well, probably, due to the title of this post). This is a photo of flowers.

Some of you may be thinking “AWWW, Holly’s husband got her flowers, and she’s being all picky about them.” No–trust me, on the extremely rare occasions that my husband buys me flowers, remembers my birthday, or does romantic things like these, I am totally grateful (though shocked).

No, these flowers were from my DAD! He brought them over on Thanksgiving! I was shuffling around the kitchen, fixing turkey, fixing boiled potatoes (which I had to convert to mashed potatoes, then had to unexpectedly ask one of our guests to make gravy–OOPS, rude I know, but otherwise the turkey would have caught on fire–long story!).

Because I was working furiously to finish Thanksgiving dinner, set the table, keep the kids out of the kitchen and away from the hot stove, mind the stuff that was cooking on every burner, plus in the oven…because I was busy with all of these things, I asked my husband to “take care of” the flowers.

This photo is what I got. I guess I didn’t realize how complex “taking care of the flowers” really is. Not only must you cut the stems. You must also REMOVE the paper and plastic around the flowers.

To wrap it up: When I’m desperately in need of a helping hand due to furious cooking and millions of things to do, THIS is what happens! All that said, it was AWESOME to have him home for Thanksgiving! We’re so excited that his out-of-town job is ending soon!

Side note: To enhance your viewing pleasure just a little more, take a look at the odd little black thing along the metal bar slightly below the flowers. Take a wild guess what that might be. (Hint: My husband stuck it there because he felt it would “protect us.”) Okay, okay I’ll tell you. That’s my husband’s way of earthquake proofing the dining room. Oh, you say, that little thing couldn’t possibly hold that shelf up in an earthquake–it looks like a fragile twistwire. Like the kind you might close a bag of bread with.

Well, that’s because this IS a twistwire. Oh but don’t worry because it would protect us for sure because it is BOLTED to our dining room wall! (Don’t you know, the important thing is that it’s bolted–he material you use doesn’t really matter. This is true because my husband said so, and I think we all know he is clearly the authority on earthquake proofing homes.) Finally, isn’t it amazing how my husband managed to keep the twistwire in FULL view despite how SMALL (and weak) it is?

Shall I acquaint you with the Angelina Jolie kids before telling you about the odd dream I had? I suppose that would be best–lest things get confusing. (This would be a fun topic for my husband to review, seeing as how he didn’t even know who she WAS until I TOLD him. And he did work on “Mr. and Mrs. Smith.” No excuse for that whatsoever. But moving right along…)

Okay, there are six of them: cute Maddox from Cambodio,  sassy and adorable Zahara from Ethiopia, Pax from Vietnam. Then the biological Angelina Jolie kids–twins Island Marcheline and Amiele Jane, and of course, Shiloh. (Read this wikipedia entry under children for more details on the Angelina Jolie Kids.)

ANYWAY, in my dream, basically I applied to be a teacher for the Jolie Pitt family. For the kids. But for some reason, instead, I ended up teaching Angelina. What was I teaching her? Russian language. Why? I have no idea.

The dream gets stranger from here. I was really excited to go to the Jolie-Pitt mansion. I thought, “How awesome, I get to see the kids and stuff. I get to get all chummy with Angelina! COOL.” No, no, no. First of all, there were no kids anywhere. BUT there were many attendants. They were all young, beautiful foreign girls. (I’m happy to say that I became good friends with two of them within one hour of being in the mansion. My dream didn’t reveal details on how these friendships developed, but they did, and that makes me feel popular.)

SO,  what was it like teaching Angelina? Well, it was rather demoralizing. First, Angelina insisted on walking around as we studied Russian together. Plus, she insisted on walking in front of me. Therefore, as I kept trying to teach her, I was looking at the back of her head. This felt very embarrassing, but it’s Angelina Jolie–what was I going to do, threaten to quit teaching her? Don’t think so.

I kept saying things like “Here’s how to say ‘my name is Angelina’…now repeat after me...” But instead of repeating what I said in Russian, she just would sort of look back at me with an expression that clearly indicated she’d prefer if I just shut up. So finally I DID shut up. But then she started screaming and crying. (I was thinking “Man do I feel sorry for Brad Pitt.”) Then I asked my new best friends why Angelina was crying, and they said, “Oh, she always screams and cries.”

This dream clearly indicates that I have a complex–some sort of inferiority thing going on. Or maybe it’s a “women get upset when their husands are gone for long periods of time” thing due to my husband working out of town right now. However, there was no indication that Brad was gone for a long time. Also, Brad is not Angelina’s husband, technically speaking. So, in a nutshell, very strange dream and no logical explanation.