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Relationship Topics from Psychology Today

10 Reasons To Thank Your Bad Boyfriend -

We've all had The Bad Boyfriend. He's the one you knew you had to leave. In order to get on with life, we need to put him in perspective. Part of that is acknowledging those things for which we should be grateful to him.
That isn't easy to do.
I decided to help.
Here Are Gina's 10 Reasons To Thank Your Bad Boyfriend
1. He taught you that "boredom" is an anagram of "bedroom";
2. He helped you understand the importance of staying away from guys who play the opening chords to "Smoke on the Water" ALL THE TIME, even when they are way past the bassist stage;
3. He helped you understand that for some men the phrase "sowing wild oats" actually means "always having a blonde bent over a coffee table";
4. You learned from him that there are insignificant others as well as significant others;
5. From him you learned that men fake sleep the way that women fake orgasms: to be left alone already;
6. You learned that a truly thoughtful lover would not attempt to arouse you with the subtlety of a chimp trying to dial a rotary phone;
7. He taught you that while breaking up might be hard to do, staying in a fundamentally miserable, spiritually chaotic, emotionally unsafe, and unutterably unfulfilling relationship was worse;
8. You learned, while being in that relationship, that someone else's suspicions can erode your own sense of trust and self-worth to the point where you doubt your sanity as well as your integrity;
9. Once you ended the relationship, you discovered that you no longer had to hide all your own stuff because he didn't like it, thereby happily freeing yourself from the "Repressed School of Interior Decoration";
10. All your previous boyfriends-- good, bad, and indifferent-helped make you who you are today and who you are today is someone who cab have an absolutely fabulous time tomorrow, if only you give yourself a chance.
So, here's the best thing to do with the Bad Boyfriend: say "thanks," say "so long," and then wave good-by without turning back.
21 Ways To Turn Ill Will to Good Will -
My recent posts have highlighted two very powerful, yet opposing forces in the human heart: in a traditional metaphor, we each have a wolf of love and a wolf of hate inside us, and it all depends on which one we feed every day.
On the one hand, as the most social and loving species on the planet, we have the wonderful ability and inclination to connect with others, be empathic, cooperate, care, and love. On the other hand, we also have the capacity and inclination to be fearfully aggressive toward any individual or group we regard as “them.” (In my book – Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love and Wisdom – I develop this idea further, including how to stimulate and strengthen the neural circuits of self-control, empathy, and compassion.)
To tame the wolf of hate, it’s important to get a handle on “ill will” – irritated, resentful, and angry feelings and intentions toward others. While it may seem justified in the moment, ill will harms you probably more than it harms others. In another metaphor, having ill will toward others is like throwing hot coals with bare hands: both people get burned.
Avoiding ill will does not mean passivity, allowing yourself or others to be exploited, staying silent in the face of injustice, etc. There is plenty of room for speaking truth to power and effective action without succumbing to ill will. Think of Gandhi, Martin Luther King, or the Dalai Lama as examples. In fact, with a clear mind and a peaceful heart, your actions are likely to be more effective.
Ill will creates negative, vicious cycles. But that means that good will can create positive cycles. Plus good will cultivates wholesome qualities in you.
So let’s get started!
How to prevent or transform ill will

1. Be mindful of the priming, the preconditions for ill will. Try to defuse them early: get rest, have a meal, get support, talk things out, distract yourself, etc.
2. Practice non-contention to undermine the heat that creates ill will. Don't argue unless you have to.
3. Inspect the underlying trigger, such as a sense of threat. Look at it realistically. Was something actually an "injury" to you? Be skeptical of your justifications.
4. Be careful about attributing intent to others. We are often just a bit player in their drama; they are not targeting us personally. Look for the good intentions beneath the action that made you feel mistreated. Look for the good in others.
5. Put what happened in perspective. The effects of most wrongs fade with time. They're also part of a larger whole, most of which is usually fine.
6. Cultivate positive qualities like kindness, compassion, empathy, and calm. Nourish your own good will.
7. Practice generosity. Much ill will comes when we feel taken from, or not given to, or on the receiving end of another person's bad moment. Instead, consider letting the person have what they took: their victory, their bit of money or time, etc. Let them have their bad moment. Make a gift of forbearance, patience, and no cause to fear you.
8. Investigate ill will. Take a day, a week, a month - and really examine the least bit of ill will during that time. See what causes it . . . and what its effects are.
9. Regard ill will as an affliction upon yourself. It hurts you more than anyone.
10. Settle into awareness, observing the ill will but not identified with it, watching it arise and disappear like any other experience.
11. Accept the wound. Experience the feelings of it. Do not presume that life is not supposed to be wounding. Accept the unpleasant fact that people will mistreat you.
12. Do not cling to what you want instead of what you've got.
13. Let go of the view that things are supposed to be a certain way. Challenge the belief that things should work out, that the world is perfectible.
14. Relax the sense of self, that it was "I" or "me" who was affronted, wounded.
15. Do religious or philosophical practices that cultivate love and goodness.
16. Resolve to meet mistreatment with loving kindness. No matter what. Consider the saying: In this world, hate has never dispelled hate. Only love dispels hate.
17. Cultivate positive emotion, like happiness, contentment, or peacefulness. Positive feelings calm the body, quiet the mind, buffer against the impact of stressful events, and foster supportive relationships -- which reduce ill will.
18. Communicate. Speak (skillfully) for yourself, regardless of what the outcome may be. If appropriate, name your experience to release it; feel it as you speak it.
Try to address the situation with openness and empathy for the other person. Then you'll be freer and calmer to be more skillful.
19. Have faith that they will pay their own price one day for what they've done, and you don't have to be the justice system.
20. Realize that some people will not get the lesson no matter how much you try. So why burden yourself with trying to teach them? Further, many people will never actually experience your ill will - such as politicians. So why carry it toward them?
21. Forgiveness. This doesn't mean changing your view that wrongs were done. But it does mean letting go of the emotional charge around feeling wronged. The greatest beneficiary of forgiveness is usually yourself.
***
* Dr. Hanson also writes a weekly column, Just One Thing, a free e-newsletter that suggests a simple practice each week that will bring you more joy, more fulfilling relationships, and more peace of mind. Subscribe to Just One Thing to receive your copy each week via email.
A Marital Therapist on The Marriage Ref: My Worst Nightmare -
Guest Post by therapist Mary Kelly-Williams, MA of www.marriedwithbaggage.com
"The Marriage Ref" made its debut on NBC last week. This latest reality show takes marriage to a new low. "Real couples" bring an issue they've been arguing about and celebrity "judges" decide which one is right.
It's like a marital boxing match without the gloves. One of the spouses is declared the winner. While the show is surprisingly witty and entertaining, I couldn't help but think of the couples I've worked with in my private practice and of my own marriage.
Years ago, my husband and I went to a nationally known marital therapist. Part of my agenda in going to the counseling was so my husband could find out how wrong he was and how RIGHT I was.
It didn't take long for us to get into the back and forth accusations like a tennis match between John McEnroe and Jimmy Connors. Oh, couples love to play the blame game and it can be hard for the counselor to get a word in edgewise.
Our no-nonsense therapist gave us about ten seconds before he stood up and said, "I'm sorry. I thought you were here for marriage counseling. To find out how to understand each other better, love each other deeper, and try to bring a new level of intimacy into your marriage. You don't want that, you want a referee. There are plenty of marital therapists out there who are willing to do that, but I'm not one of them and I'd be happy to show you both to the door."
What nerve! I sat there like a red-faced child who'd been reprimanded by the principal. But like compliant children, we stopped, and started to dig deep and do the hard work to learn to truly love.
Ten years later, we're still learning. It's no easy feat to live with the same person, day in and day out...well, not if you want intimacy, not if you want to really learn about yourself and them, not if you're willing to allow your partner to be your mirror to all those blemishes and shadows we all try so hard to cover up and hide. Disillusionment with our partners and ourselves is the pathway to intimacy.
Couples don't need the Marriage Ref. They need to be open, flexible and curious. Being "right" may feel victorious in the moment, but it's a real libido killer in the bedroom.
What is it that any of us want, desire, crave, and long for? In my years as a therapist working with couples, I've come to believe that when it gets right down to it, human beings just aren't as complicated as we like to make ourselves out to be.
We want to be seen...seen for who we are, darker sides and all. We want to be felt in that way that someone is so connected to us, that when we feel pain, they feel it for us too. They can empathize and we find relief in knowing that we have an ally. We want to be touched, crave to be touched whether it's in the full blown passion of wild and unrestrained sex or the gentle holding of the hand while watching a movie in a dark theater.
But we are a stubborn group of people and it is often easier to focus on the silly, the superficial and the insistence that we are right. When Ego is in charge, there will always be a winner and there will always be a loser. Like the producers of the Marriage Ref, couples are often only interested in content. In my practice, couples love telling me their stories as if they were Gloria Allred in the courtroom and then turn to me as if expecting some kind of verdict.
I say, "Sorry, I'm so not interested in the content. I'm more interested in how you negotiate conflict as a couple. I'm watching the two of you as you speak to each other, your tones, your looks, your lack of touch, and your avoidance of each other's eyes. It's how you handle the content that matters, how you learn to listen, be open and flexible."
John Gottman, a leading relationship and marriage researcher, has come up with what he calls, "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." His research shows that these four behaviours while arguing are the greatest predictors a couple will divorce:
1. Criticism
2. Defensiveness
3. Contempt
4. Stone-walling (the silent treatment)
These may seem obvious, but there are often times in the moment, we just don't care and care only about the insistence in being right. Gottman's research on successful relationships shows that 63% of happily married couples don't "agree" on most things. But they've learned to accept and honor their differences. They have become experts at negotiating in loving ways. Hugging the person you love at least six times a day is a huge boost and preventive medicine for relationship, and Gottman's research suggests that for each negative thing said, there needs to be five positive things to counterbalance the words that have wounded.
I love the line in "Notting Hill" where Julia Roberts' character who is also a famous American movie star, says to the man she's fallen in love with, a man who is overwhelmed by her fame, "I'm just a girl asking a boy to love me."See me, feel me, touch me. If we were all more willing to provide that to the ones we love, there would be a lot less appeal for shows like "The Marriage Ref" and a lot less work for me.
How Many Psychologists Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? -
There's an old joke in Psychology that goes like this: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

I know a young woman named Jeanne who had finally had enough of her disappointing husband.

One day she waited for him to leave for work, and then she took their 2 small children to her mother’s house for a bitch session. She poured out her heart. Her mother listened patiently. Finally Jeanne finished her tirade with: “I’ve had enough. I’m leaving.”

Jeanne’s mother was a wise woman. She proceeded to give her daughter a sheet of paper and suggested that she divide it in half with a line drawn down the middle from top to bottom.

She then told Jeanne: “I’ll take the children while you go somewhere peaceful where you can think and write. What I want you to do is this. On one side of the paper, carefully write out your complaints about Bob.”

Jeanne knew what was coming next --- she blurted out to her mother: “Yea, I know. And then on the other side of the paper you want me to write his positive traits. And then you want me to weigh out the negatives against the positives. Well, I can tell you right now --- his negatives far outweigh his positives.”

“No, not quite,” Jeanne’s mother said gently. “On the other side of the paper, I want you to write your reaction to each of your complaints about Bob. For each of the things he does (or fails to do) that have been a disappointment, you should think about how you have responded to each of these things, and then write on the paper what your reaction to each of them has been.”

Jeanne left her mother’s house and headed for a quiet corner in a local Starbuck’s. During the drive she was running her husband’s failures back and forth through her mind. “He got home from work late.” "He left his dirty dishes in the sink AGAIN.” “He hardly ever takes out the garbage unless I ask him.” “He left his stinky running clothes on the chair in the bedroom to air out AGAIN.” “He isn’t nearly as affectionate as he was before we were married.”

Jeanne got her Venti Vanilla Latte and settled into a comfortable corner for her time of venting.

“He got home from work late. (He knows how much I hate it when he doesn’t get home on time. Supper ends up being late, the kids are crazy, and it throws off the whole night.)”

She thought about her reaction --- nothing came to her. She thought some more --- “What is my typical reaction?” Finally she saw it in her mind’s eye. “When he walked in the door, I glared at him --- that cold, steely glare. I really let him have it.” (And she thought to herself, “But he deserved it.”)

“He left his dirty dishes in the sink AGAIN. (What does he think --- I’m his maid or something?)” Jeanne had to think - but not as long as the first time --- “My reaction: I gave him the silent treatment for the rest of the night. (He got what he deserved!)”

“He hardly ever takes out the garbage unless I ask him.” Reaction: “I scolded him (as if he was a little child).”

“He left his stinky running clothes on the chair in the bedroom to air out AGAIN.” Reaction: “I was ‘too tired’ for sex.”

“He isn’t nearly as affectionate as he was before we were married.” Reaction: “I get down and feel sorry for myself.”

By the time Jeanne had finished her Venti Vanilla Latte, she had begun to see another side to her marriage.

Even though most of us know it, there is only one person that we are able to change --- and that person is ourselves. (And admittedly, some of us have a difficult time doing that.) And yet, we continually try to change our partner --- and often by glaring, giving the silent treatment, scolding…….

Jeanne began to develop a new perspective that day. She started to focus more on herself and less on her husband. It was a battle, but every time Bob let her down in some way, Jeanne worked to think about her reaction rather than Bob’s disappointing behavior. Needless to say, what Jeanne saw was not a pretty sight. But she persisted --- not just to see her reactions, but also to change them.

To Jeanne’s surprise, as her changed behavior became more customary --- in other words, as she became more loving --- it did not go unnoticed. Bob also became more responsive and affectionate --- it is much easier to love someone who is loving.

Jeanne and Bob now have a thriving, life-giving marriage.

I can only change one person to make him more loving and responsive, and that person is me.
Marriages Don't Need a Referee -
Remember the television show, "Seinfeld?" Like you, we laughed ourselves silly over the antics of the show. It was funny and full of uproarious one-liners. When Jerry Seinfeld decided to promote the idea of a new show called "The Marriage Ref," he and everyone else surely imagined that it would be a hit. Why would anyone expect anything different?

But now, reality is up against the truth. And the simple truth is this - marital problems aren't funny to the couples going through the trials and tribulations of the various marital challenges all marriages go through. Poking fun at married couples in a public way it seems is not very funny, and not very helpful in either the short or long term.
The first arrow-in-the-heart of the show is this - you do not learn about successful marriage by highlighting marital failure. We have studied marriage on six continents of the world for some 27 years and we know this - if you want to understand success, study success. If you want to understand failure, study failure. Oh, if the producers and directors of "The Marriage Ref" had only known these evident and researchable truths. Inviting Madonna (how many times has she been divorced??) or others who have failed at marriage act as a "referee" in a marriage dispute is analogous to trying to learn about how to have a successful marriage by studying failed marriages.
The second point we'd like to make is this - there are many credible researchers, effective marriage and relationship scholars, and great marriage counselors out there. Any of these experts could do an amazing job of diagnosing and assisting these couples with resolving their issues while being witty in the process.
Our point here is that couples having to deal with the stress and challenges that confront all marriages need help from credible experts who have studied successful marriage and from well-trained, successful, and experienced marriage counselors. Going on a television show where you are exposing very private issues about your marriage while being judged by others who are not necessarily competent, or who may or may not have your best interests in mind (i.e., they use your marriage for a laugh line!), is not the best way to fix or grow your marriage.
The scathing critical reviews of "The Marriage Rep" have used words like "painfully bad," "terrible," "unfunny," "patronizing," "ugly," and "heinous." Is it any wonder given the premise of the show? Let's hope the public has not been misled into thinking that the model they bring to the airways has any credibility or usefulness. And the truth is, the show isn't even funny!
Authors of the best-selling book and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley 2010) Available wherever books are sold. Excerpts were used in this blog. Learn more about America's #1 Love and Marriage Experts
Socialized for Good: When You are Taught that Expressing Anger is Bad -
This Passive Aggressive Diaries blog posting is Part Three of the four-part series on why individuals behave passive aggressively. In The Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive Aggressive Behavior in Families, Schools and Workplaces, 2nd edition, we identify these primary triggers of passive aggression:

1. Situational response to adult demands
2. Developmental stage
3. Characteristic of a cultural norm or ethnic group
4. A way of life

In the previous Passive Aggressive Diaries blog posts, I described passive aggression as a situational response to everyday requests and as a predictable part of child and adolescent development. Here, I will describe passive aggressive behavior as a characteristic of a cultural norm or ethnic group.
As a reminder, in this series of blog postings about the four reasons why people behave passive aggressively, I make a critical distinction between the first three reasons, which represent passive aggressive behaviors chosen by individuals to achieve specific ends, and the final reason, which is indicative of a pathological and pervasive passive aggressive personality style.

PASSIVE AGGRESSION AS AN ETHNIC OR CULTURAL NORM

Some cultures and ethnic groups set absolute standards for the need to be polite and charming regardless of internal feelings. Perhaps the concept of "Southern hospitality" comes to mind, especially as it has been immortalized in literature and film. Consider portrayals of characters-most often females-who are held to absolute standards of cordiality and congeniality in all social situations, and required to inhibit and control any negative or confrontational interactions, even when they are merited.

Certain ethnic groups also expect children to show respect for their elders and authority ﬁgures. For example, many traditional Asian families teach their children to honor the status of their elders and to be submissive and obedient to their wishes and demands. Even if children are upset by the judgments or decisions their elders make, they are taught to swallow their anger and never to debate, argue, or confront their elders. Any overt expression of anger toward one's elders is labeled undesirable and results in losing face in the family and community.

The suppression of aggression toward elders may create a level of civility and politeness that is admirable. It also creates for some children and youth a reservoir of unexpressed hostile thoughts, a long memory of personal depreciation, and the development of passive-aggressive behavior toward select people at select times.

Julia was the third child born to Japanese-immigrant parents. Both of her parents were medical doctors and her two older siblings were both enrolled in pre-med courses at Ivy League universities. Julia's parents expected her to follow the same pathway. Although just as intelligent as her family members, Julia preferred the performing arts to the sciences and wanted to attend art school rather than a traditional four year college. During her senior year in high school, Julia followed her parents' wishes and submitted applications to eleven top-ranked universities, including both of her siblings' schools. What none of her family members knew, however, is that in each of her essays, Julia asked admissions committee members not to accept her application to their school.

Customer service employees may also represent this third reason for passive aggressive behavior. Many service professionals, including restaurant workers and salespersons, are expected to demonstrate hospitable behaviors. When faced with demanding patrons, customers, and citizens, however, these individuals may demonstrate passive-aggressive behaviors, as in the case below:

Sharon went to the Customer Service counter of a local Supercenter to return a pair of brand-new, never-worn shoes she had purchased on Clearance the previous day. The tags were still on the shoes and Sharon had her receipt in hand. After waiting in line for what she felt was an unreasonable length of time, Sharon's exasperation was apparent to the customer service representative. "I'm in a hurry!" she barked when it was her turn in line. "I want a refund on these shoes."

The young woman behind the counter smiled graciously and took the shoes from Sharon. She began to inspect them.

"There's nothing wrong with them!" said Sharon.

"No problem, Ma'am," said the worker. "I just have to check. Do you have your receipt?"

Sharon threw the receipt at her. "I just bought them yesterday. I never wore them. They are the wrong color. And they look so cheap. Everything in this store is hideous."

The worker, continuing to smile, looked at the receipt carefully and replied, "I'm sorry, Ma'am, but these shoes were purchased on Clearance. We have a no-returns policy on Clearance Items. All sales are final."

"I want to speak to your manager!" yelled Sharon. "This is ridiculous! How dare you?"

"Certainly, Ma'am. All referrals to management are handled at that counter" she said, pointing to a line, ten people deep, across the aisle.

Fuming, Sharon grabbed her shoes and walked out of the store.

The next customer in line overheard the loud scene created by Sharon. As soon as she approached the counter, she politely explained that she too had a Clearance item for return and would move on to the other line. The Customer Service Representative stopped her, saying, "No problem. I'd be happy to take care of that for you right here."

In the cultural, ethnic, and group-specific dynamics represented here, passive aggression is used as a behavior of choice within a particular situation. Both Julia and the customer service representative made choices to behave in a passive aggressive manner to achieve specific, desired outcomes. This is an important distinction: the conscious decision to behave in a passive aggressive manner in a particular situation or within a certain group setting is distinctive from passive aggression as a way of life.

Please use the Comments section below to share your own examples of passive aggressive behavior within an ethic or cultural norm or within a customer service industry. Visit back whenever new examples occur.

Stay tuned for my next posting on passive aggressive behavior as a chronic and problematic "way of life."
The Always-Late Friend -
It is an almost universal sentiment that the chronically late friend can irritate even those of us who are good natured and patient.
Women, in particular, are guilty as charged, or rattled by this kind of friend if they themselves are always on time. Some try to combat the unpunctual friend's habit by lying about the appointed hour to meet, others beseech the friend to not be late "just this once," and still others swear off someone who is constantly disrespectful, only to rescind such a plan. Certainly it wears you down, regardless of how close the friendship is, and often times, one ends up not choosing to invite this friend because of her tardiness. While this is an attempt to mitigate circumstances, what these women aren't willing to do, is take a real stand.
This means that in spite of the fact that this friend is inconveniencing you repeatedly, she is not ignored nor considered less of a friend. Instead the majority of women with whom I spoke described their disappointment in their friend, feeling a degree of annoyance with themselves for continually allowing this friend in, only for her to do it again and a commitment to remain friends. Thus, if the punctual friend suffers but doesn't give up and the tardy friend isn't educable or able to reform, it's an ongoing frustration. And, ironically, it's the punctual friend who becomes an acrobat, contorting to her unpunctual friend's schedule. As one woman told me, "It's not that I don't want to be with this friend, but that she misses a third of the movie, or I'm on the street waiting for her in the pouring rain for a half hour. Lately I've learned to pick and choose what we do together so I'm not in these situations anymore. I guess I've adjusted."
Another woman felt stressed by her late friend, mostly because she kept expecting this woman to be on time. "I would text my friend and she'd text back that she was on her way, not to worry. But she wasn't on her way, or there was some huge problem-- fire engines for a four alarm fire or half the highway was closed down--or she forgot the tickets and had to turn around -- that kept her from reaching me. It makes me very anxious." When asked why she tolerated this kind of treatment, the woman explained that she "needed" this friend, and counted on her in specific ways.
Other women concur that the friend who runs late usually provides something worthwhile in the friendship, including social connections, work connections, and companionship. Women of all ages rely on their female friends as a means of belonging - and this can be more riveting than any repeated inconvenience.
Of course, everyone hits their threshold, and self-delusion can wear thin. So while you might have been more accepting in the past, one episode can rupture the status quo. Consider a woman whose friend arrived late for her 9-year-old daughter's (the delayed woman's goddaughter's) piano recital. Apparently the daughter had asked if her godmother would be there and had been assured that she would be on time. "Because it had to do with my child, I couldn't stand it. There was my daughter, ready to play and looking around for my friend," the woman remarked. "Let her be late for me, sure, I'm fine with it. This was too much, it was painful and I distanced myself." But the friendship wasn't lost, and after a rocky period, the two women reconciled. This occurred although the tardy friend, had not changed her ways.
Ultimately, as long as the balance of a friend who is late and a friend who is on time works, the friendship survives. And for those of us who can't adapt to the tardy friend--as many women express, then it is sort of our own fault, isn't it? Because short of an earth shattering event, friends who run late, run late, and haven't the skills or wherewithal to alter their course.
Weeding out your significant other? The effect of marijuana on relationships -
Being young involves quite a bit of exciting change. There's the end of high-school, the start of college and some measure of independence, and a whole slew of new experiences.
A recent study conducted by Judith Brooks at NYU School of Medicine has revealed that one of those experiences, smoking marijuana (weed) may be associated with more relationship conflict later in life. What's amazing about this study is that the drug use here occurred earlier in life for most of the 534 participants, while the relationship trouble was assessed around their mid- to late-twenties.
Could other factors explain this finding?!
Now you may be thinking to yourself that there are a whole lot of other aspects of a person's life that can affect their relationship quality and their probability of smoking weed in adolescence. You'd be right, but here's what the researchers in this study ruled out as possible confounds (the scientific name for variables that obscure findings):
- Relationship with parents
- Aggressive tendencies
- adjustment difficulty
- gender
- education
Even after controlling for all of these things, smoking marijuana as a teen still predicted having less harmonious relationships later on in life. Put that in your pipe and smoke it... but don't come complain to me when you find yourself constantly fighting with your fiance later.
Limitations
All humor aside, this research is not saying that if you smoke weed you will definitely have a lower quality relationship later. What it does point out is that, on average, given a person with similar social skills, aggressive personality, and education, the one who smoked marijuana around their mid-teens is likely to have a less satisfying relationship.
Before you leave an angry comment about how wrong this article is to suggest that marijuana can cause any problems ever, please read my article on the difference between causality and association; this article is talking about an association, not causality.
Citation: Brook, J. S., Pahl, K., and Cohen, P. (2008). Associations between marijuana use during emerging adulthood and aspects of significant other relationship in young adulthood. Journal of Child and Family Studies, Vol 17, pg. 1-12.

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Articles about Sex and Intimacy from Psychology Today

From mustard plants to sexuality genes and healthy youth -
Now that I have said a bit about why I am blogging let me say a bit about who I am. With this introduction out of the way I can turn to discussing the sexual science that will be the focus of my blog.

When I was in high school I became fascinated by genetics and evolution. At the time scientists were more limited in their abilities to study human genetics (this was way before the days of the human genome project), but at the same time we knew genes played a role in some important medical conditions. When an administrator from the University of Minnesota came to my high school to talk about a program to spend a summer in the lab of a researcher at the University I jumped at the chance. I also jumped at the chance because it was funded by the National Science Foundation and Howard Hughes Foundation and it paid well by my standards at the time. I was fortunate to be accepted into the program and was matched with a biologist who was trying to understand how it is that cells know what to turn into-like blood cells, skin cells, neurons, etc-given that they all have the same genes. How is the fate of a cell determined? To study this, he was conducting genetics research on the hairs on the leaves of plants in the mustard family. The idea being if you can understand why one cell turns into a hair and another one part of the leaf it might teach us how to cure diseases where certain kinds of cells are not functioning or are damaged. I spent the summer learning how to conduct gel electrophoresis and other state-of-the-art genetic techniques of the time.

When I started college at Northwestern University I was intent on becoming a biologist. Then I took a Social Psychology course as a distribution requirement and became fascinated by the science of human behavior. Exploring questions like why some people hold discriminatory beliefs and why if someone is being attacked the more people watching the less each individual is likely to step in and help. These seemingly dueling interests made me feel conflicted. I loved the hard science of biology but was growing disenchanted with the sterility of the lab and now I was becoming fascinated with a "messy" science like psychology. Then one day one of my classes had a guest lecture on Behavior Genetics-the study of how genes influence behavior. For me it was the perfect marriage of my two interests.

To get into graduate school I knew I needed to start getting involved in some research on campus. I searched the school's (relatively) new website and found one faculty member on the whole campus conducting Behavior Genetics research. He studied the role of genes in the development of sexual orientation using twin and family studies. I immediately approached him and he agreed to let me work in his lab. My responsibilities in working in his lab involved interviewing gay men about other family members that might be gay. While I enjoyed the link to Behavior Genetics, I also became fascinated by how little we know about sexual development. In fact, while sex is one of the most important driving forces in people lives we know very little about it from a biological and psychological perspective because it is treated as a taboo subject. To me this was a challenge I wanted to take on.

My advisor and I ended up publishing a paper together and I was accepted into graduate school at Indiana University. Indiana University was a great match for me because the Psychology Department had faculty conducting cutting-edge Behavior Genetics research and there is also the Kinsey Institute, which has both a rich history and current program of sexuality research. Much of my graduate training and experience was in what might be considered the "basic research" side of Clinical Psychology. My work was focused on understanding the role of genes in sexual development and behavior as well as basic processes such as affect and personality. I was receiving applied clinical training in couples and sex therapy, but my primary interests were in research. I was fortunate to be able to take a summer off and work at the National Institutes of Health with Dr. Dean Hamer and we published a highly publicized study on the genetics of male sexual orientation. I was on my way to being a basic research scientist focused on understanding sexual development and health. Then I went on my Psychology Internship- a final year of intense clinical training that is part of the Clinical Psychology doctorate.

I arrived at my internship site with a goal of doing as much research as possible and then going on to a faculty position doing laboratory research. I started working with a faculty member on internship that was studying the role of affect regulation in HIV prevention among youth with psychiatric illness. What was amazing to me was that she was conducting important research on the role of affect in HIV risk behaviors while at the same time delivering a program likely to reduce HIV infection in an at risk population. My perspective at the time was that the laboratory-and not the community-was the place to work these things out, but this experience changed my mind. At the same time research was coming out about the devastating epidemic of HIV among young gay and bisexual men. Some studies were showing as many as one in six young gay and bisexual men were infected with HIV. This was my community and I had the skills to do something about the epidemic. I knew I couldn't stay in the lab doing research that, while important, wouldn't soon make a dent in the epidemic. So I decided to focus my research on the health and development of LGBT people, with a particular focus on youth. My goal became translating findings from research into advancing public health as rapidly as possible.

My current research focuses on using the Internet to provide HIV prevention education, developing and testing HIV prevention groups, understanding the development of sexual orientation (still from a biopsychosocial perspective), and learning about the prevalence and risk factors for mental health among LGBT youth. I hold a faculty position in the Institute for Juvenile Research and Departments of Psychiatry and Psychology at the University of Illinois at Chicago. I have several grants from the National Institutes of Health focused on HIV risk and prevention and was fortunate to recently be named a William T Grant Foundation Scholar for my work on the use of the Internet to promote positive sexual development.

Part of my goal for writing this blog is to help share some of the knowledge gained in my own and other studies. While we still have a lot of learn, we do know a lot about the development of sexual orientation, how to prevent HIV, and how to promote and protect the health of LGBT people. The goal of this blog is to discuss the whole continuum of sexuality-health, development, orientation, and risk.

The Sexual Continuum Blog now has a facebook page. To become a fan of the blog, click here and then choose to "become a fan." By joining you will get updates as new blog postings come out.
Our Harried Lives and Satisfying Sexual Lives- An Oxymoron? -
I frequently get requests for tips about relationships from freelance writers. My most recent request was to provide a few simple suggestions for keeping passion alive in the face of our hectic, career and children laden lives. The question got me thinking. Some people believe that having children, busy careers, family and community commitments and personal hobbies are valid reasons for allowing passion to run dry. But in the words of a famous philosopher, Rosanna Rosanna Danna, "There's always something." In my work with couples, I insist on the importance of keeping sex alive by making it a priority. How? Here are five tips for keeping love and passion alive:

1.Decide that sex needs to be a priority, that without it, intimacy on all levels drops out. Desire is a decision. If the passion has fizzled, decide and discuss what needs to be done to bring back more zest. Make a plan.

2. Schedule sex. Stop thinking that planning sex eliminates spontaneity. It's truly planned spontaneity.

3. Flirt. Remember back to the early years of your relationship when you had pet names and compliments galore for your spouse. Recall how you'd dress up and make sure you were looking hot before you got together? What ever happened to those sweatpants-free days? Go back to what you were doing when things were hotter between you, even if you're not totally in the mood.

4. Stop being so kid-centric. Nowadays, we place our kids right smack dab on top of a pedestal- running them to lessons, practices, school functions, friends' houses, orchestrating elaborate and expensive birthday parties, and making sure they have whatever their little hearts desire. While it's true that our kids deserve a prime focus in our lives, I always tell couples that the best thing they can do for their children is to put their marriage first. If they don’t, when the nest empties, they will be two strangers who have led separate lives. The divorce rate has leveled off in every age group EXCEPT the newly empty-nesters, people who have often been married twenty to thirty years! No matter what, go out on dates. Make sure you have weekly child-free times together. Put a lock on your bedroom door. Unless a nightmare or an unusual circumstance occurs, put your children to sleep in their own bedrooms. If they sleep with you on a regular basis, it will destroy your love life. Teach your kids about the importance of marriage by living rather than just espousing it.

5. And last but certainly not least, adopt the Nike philosophy and, "Just Do It". If I had a dollar for each time someone in my practice said, "When my spouse approached me, I really wasn't in the mood to have sex, but once we got into it, I really enjoyed myself,!" I would be extremely wealthy. For countless people, I've observed, sexual desire doesn't just happen, you have to make it happen. One man in my practice said, “Every time I approach my wife, she doesn’t seem too interested, but once we get into it, she really seems to enjoy herself. I wish she would just write on her hand, ‘I like sex’ so she remembers it for the next time.” (Wouldn’t a tattoo be better?) After seeing this pattern so often, I decided to do some research and came across the work of Dr. Rosemary Basson who has validated my observations and helped shift the way I think about sexual desire forever. We’ve been taught that sexual desire has four stages- desire (this occurs when we have some random lusty thought out of the blue), arousal (this occurs with physical stimulation), orgasm (this is self-explanatory, I think), and resolution (when our bodies return to their normal resting states.) However, this paradigm has limitations because for millions of people, stages one and two are reversed; that is, they must be physically stimulated before their brains signal that they are really want sex. In other words, arousal occurs before desire. The trouble is, these arousal-before-desire folks constantly compare themselves to their more highly sexed spouses who have sexual fantasies every 15 seconds, and then end up feeling as if there’s something wrong with them. They think they have low or no desire. They believe they are passionless. But the truth is, these folks are just wired differently from their partners. And once they learn about this difference and take it to heart, they stopped feeling flawed. They remember the sirens within. They keep in mind the wisdom of nudging themselves to be more responsive to their partner’s advances, even if they’re not totally in the mood at the time. They remember that, sometimes in life, things just need a little jumpstart.
The Fantasy Bond: A substitute for a truly loving relationship -

Most people have fears of intimacy and are self-protective and at the same time are terrified of being alone. Their solution to their emotional dilemma is to form a fantasy bond. This illusion of connection and closeness allows them to maintain an imagination of love and loving while preserving emotional distance. Destructive fantasy bonds, which exist in a large majority of relationships, greatly reduce the possibility couples achieving intimacy.

The nature of a fantasy bond is the central concept of my theory as explained in my book THE FANTASY BOND. It explains people's compulsion to relive the past with new relationships i.e., to form illusory connections that invariably lead to a reenactment of defensive styles of interacting developed in childhood. This process of reverting to outmoded defense patterns interferes with the establishment of secure and satisfying adult relationships characterized by feelings of humanity, compassion, and equality. Once a fantasy bond is formed, individuals prefer to maintain a defensive posture rather than trusting and investing genuine feeing in others. Once having been hurt, they are reluctant to take a chance again and this defensive pattern has an insidious effect on couple and family relations.

Men and women are most likely to become romantically involved at a stage in their lives where they are breaking dependent emotional ties with their families and experiencing a sense of separateness and independence. As they reach out and risk more of themselves emotionally, they tend to attract others with their vitality and enthusiasm. In the first stages of the relationship, they tend to let down their defenses and are open and vulnerable.

While this state of being in love is volatile and exciting, at the same time it can be frightening. The fear of loss or abandonment as well as the poignant sadness often evoked by positive emotions may become difficult to tolerate, especially for those who have suffered from a lack of love in their early lives. At the point these individuals begin to feel anxious or frightened, they retreat from feeling close, gradually giving up the most valued aspects of their relationships, forming a fantasy bond.

By the time most people reach adulthood, they have solidified their defenses and exist in a psychological equilibrium that they do not wish to disturb. Although they may be relatively congenial with more casual acquaintances, there is a deterioration in friendly and respectful feelings as a relationship becomes more meaningful and intimate, because the new love object now threatens to disrupt this balance by penetrating their basic defenses.

A fantasy bond is the antithesis of a healthy personal relationship where individuals are free to express their real feelings and desires. This destructive tie functions to perpetuate feelings of distrust, self-hating thought processes, and the inward behavior patterns that each person brings to the relationship. In their destructive coupling, men and women surrender their unique points of view for an illusion of safety.

Perhaps the most significant sign that a fantasy bond has been formed is when one or both partners give up vital areas of personal interest, their unique points of view and opinions, their individuality, to become a unit, a whole. The attempt to find security in an illusion of merging with another leads to an insidious and progressive loss of identity in each person. The individuals involved learn to rely more and more on habitual contact, with less and less personal feeling. They find life increasingly hollow and empty as they give up more aspects of their personalities.
There are a number of steps that individual partners can initiate to break into the fantasy bond they have formed with each other. Partners can:

(1) admit the existence of a fantasy bond. Stop denying that they have become distant and their actions are no longer loving
(2) reveal feelings of anger, hostility, and withholding patterns and admit critical, hostile attitudes toward themselves and their partner
(3) face the psychological pain and sadness involved in attempting to reestablish intimacy
(4) expose their fears of individuation and separation, including the fear of loss or death of their partner as well as their own death
(5) move toward independence and respect for each other and establish true equality. Disrupt reciprocal patterns of dominance, submission, and defiance
(6) develop a non-defensive posture toward feedback and an open and honest style of communication
(7) move toward increased interaction with others--extend circle of family and friends to provide better reality testing

Positive change takes place only when the fantasy bond in the original family is investigated and its reestablishment is challenged in the current relationship. As fantasy bonds were understood and relinquished, the individuals in a relationship manifest new energy, self-possession, and vitality and are able to become loving companions and allies.
To learn more, visit glendon.org
To attend training, register for Voice Therapy
Unmasking subtle heterosexism: Microaggressions and microvalidations in everyday life -
Columbia University Psychologist Dr. Derald Wing Sue has pioneered research on what are called "racial microaggressions" or experiences of racism that are so subtle that neither victim nor perpetrator may entirely understand what is going on. These microaggressions can range from more overt behaviors like name calling, to insensitivity to a person's racial heritage, to comments that negate the feelings of minority people. Think about things like an Asian American person repeatedly being asked "where are you from?" which can send the message that they are not American. Or an African American person being followed around a store. In both of these cases it isn't entirely clear that a racist even occurred, but if you are a minority and these things happen all the time you start to really notice them.  While a single negative comment isn't likely to send someone spiraling to full blown depression or substance abuse, emerging research suggests that the accumulation of these subtle negative experiences can build up and may prove to be especially toxic for minority people.

Dr. Sue has grouped various kinds of microaggressions into three areas:

A microassault is an explicit verbal or nonverbal attack meant to hurt the intended victim through name-calling, avoidant behavior, or purposeful discriminatory actions.
A microinsult is characterized by communications that convey rudeness and insensitivity and demean a person's racial heritage or identity. Microinsults represent subtle snubs, frequently unknown to the perpetrator, but clearly convey a hidden insulting message to the recipient of color.
Microinvalidations are characterized by communications that exclude, negate, or nullify the psychological thoughts, feelings, or experiential reality of a minority person.
After reading this article on microaggressions in the APA Monitor I have been spending a lot of time thinking about this topic. I have been particularly curious about how gay and lesbian people may experience these kinds of microaggressions and how we might go about studying their occurrence and effects. I turns out almost no research has been done on LGBT people and microaggressions. So I started paying attention and making a note of various kinds of experiences I have in my daily life and recent travels. Here are a few examples of things I have recently experienced:

1) A customs agent pointedly agent asking my partner and I if we are "friends." While I thought about correcting him and saying in fact we are partners, I eventually decided it wasn't worth it. I wasn't entirely sure why he said it the way he did and didn't want to raise an issue that may not have existed, but it did feel like it invalidated my relationship and made me frustrated that I wasn't sure how to respond.

2) A colleague told me that she knew what is was like to be gay because she was a religious minority. While I certainly agree that there are certain aspects of minority status that may illuminate the experience of other minority groups, it seemed to deny the unique aspects of LGBT people to assume total understanding of my experience.

3) I read an article in a magazine that talked about how fantastic gay men were at fashion and art. This made me feel like a stereotype (whether it fits me or not is another question).

4) Proposition 8 passed in California and invalidated the legal recognition of same-sex relationships.
While these kinds of experiences can make a LGBT person feel invalidated or stigmatized, I also have been thinking the kinds of events that can instill feelings of validation. For example, on a recent flight a couple sitting next to me were gushing to me about their gay son and his male partner. The casual way that they talked about their son and his partner on the crowded plane made me feel at ease telling them about my partner and our recent travels.

My research team and I are in the process of creating a measure of microaggression and microvalidation experiences unique to LGBT people that we can administer in an upcoming study. Help us create this measure by leaving a comment below about experience that made you feel assaulted, insulted, invalidated. Or just as important, leave a comment about a positive experience you had that made you feel validated as an LGBT person.

The Sexual Continuum Blog now has a facebook page. To become a fan of the blog, click here and then choose to "become a fan." By joining you will get updates as new blog posting come out.
Want a Sure-Fire Way to Score a Valentine's Date? Spray on Some Axe -

You've seen the TV commercials. One little spritz and bikini clad women trek across the globe to hunt you down. One whiff and hot women will strip you down while chanting some cheesy porn music... Bom chika wah wah. It's called the Axe effect. Is it true that a simple deodorant spray is enough to turn a dud into a super stud?

Researchers have found that there is indeed truth to the Axe effect. Wait, before you go dashing off to the deodorant aisle, let's look at what the researchers found. A study recently published in the International Journal of Cosmetic Science (there's an International Journal of Cosmetic Science?...Seriously?) explored the effects of deodorization on men's self-confidence and perceived attraction to women.

British scientists randomly assigned a sample of men to either an active deodorant or placebo deodorant (no-scent) condition. The deodorant used was Lynx, the British equivalent of Axe. Lynx...it smells like Axe. Over the course of three days, the men rated measures of self-confidence, had their neutral face pictures taken, and videotaped themselves pretending to chat up a lovely lady.

A panel of female raters did rate the men in the active deodorant condition as more attractive than their stinky study counterparts. However, the attractiveness ratings were only higher from women watching videos of the deodorized dudes. Judging from photos alone, women found the two groups of men equally attractive.

What gives? Unless the researchers invented Smellivision, the Axe effect worked even when women did not get a single whiff of the scent in question. I guess this Axe stuff is just that good...or is it?

Here's the difference. Men in the active deodorant condition had higher ratings of self-confidence within 15 minutes of spraying the stuff on. Their feelings of attractiveness increased slowly over the course of three days. The researchers believe that those feelings of self-confidence and attractiveness showed through in the men's behavior, with subtle traits that were identified by female viewers as more attractive. That's not to say that women don't also notice a well-scented man. Outside the laboratory, 7 of the 10 men in the active deodorant group reported receiving positive comments on their new smell.

So whether you're out scoping the scene for a Valentine's Day date, trying to impress during a job interview, or just looking to have a good time, make sure to slap-on some self-confidence. But seriously, a little deodorant wouldn't hurt...

Think they've found the sweet smell of success...or does something smell fishy? Comment below or email correspondence to jareddefifept@gmail.com
Who Is Louder in Bed? -
Quick question for readers: When you hear the neighbors going at it, whose voice is louder?
We're looking for as many responses as possible to this question, so please take a moment to comment below, if you can (and if you click on the "share/email" button and Digg us, that would be great, too!).
To avoid contaminating the response, we'll say as little as possible in this post. One of the chapters in our up-coming book includes a discussion of what researchers call "copulatory vocalization" -- believe it or not. So help us out here. Just think of the times you've heard a heterosexual couple having sex and tell us who was louder. If you happen to have spent a lot of time in cheap motels and have a wealth of information, please share it. And if you've got any friends who might want to add their $0.02, please send them the link.

In your response, please include your sex and age. If we get enough responses, we'll mention ya'll in our book. Many thanks.
Why Do Women Have Erotic Rape Fantasies? -
A recent analysis of 20 studies over the last 30 years indicates that between 31% and 57% of women have rape fantasies, and these fantasies are frequent or preferred in 9% to 17% of women. Considering that many people are ashamed to report rape fantasies, these stats are most likely lowball figures.

In my personal experience, most women really appreciate subtle to moderate domination in the bedroom—a little forceful restraint, a little pain—as long as they feel safe. I had one girlfriend who wanted me to call her a slut, but that was pushing my boundaries. Though I didn't mind calling her naughty, etc., for expressing pleasure at whatever I was doing to her. The whole "you shouldn't like this but I know you do" routine. She explained that sexuality was taboo in her household growing up. So pretending that she was being corrupted by someone else freed her to go along with the illicit activities and indulge in her repressed desires. Not all of our play followed this narrative, but when it did, the temperature rose.

Research into rape fantasies hasn't been particularly well publicized. Many people don't want to acknowledge that women have them, for fear that the news will incite or excuse real rape: "See? Women want it after all!" But I follow the Kinsey line that it's better to study the disturbing parts of human sexuality than to keep them in the dark.

So do Joseph Critella and Jenny Bivona, the researchers at the University of North Texas who published the meta-analysis mentioned above in the Journal of Sex Research in January. They combined 20 studies and a whole field of theory to evaluate eight potential explanations for women's rape fantasies. Some of the explanations overlap with each other, and others mutually contradict. Here's a summary:

•Masochism - The idea that women desire suffering. Women who engage in masochistic sex are more likely to have rape fantasies, but the great majority of women with rape fantasies do not want real rape. Accordingly, masochism may only apply to a small group of women.

•Sexual Blame Avoidance - (See my ex, above.) Women are socialized to not seek out sex lest they be considered tramps, but if they're having sex against their will they can avoid guilt. Studies comparing sexual repression to rape fantasies are mixed and overall don't support the explanation, but they may have been using wrong metrics; sexually repressed women have fewer fantasies overall but they might have a higher ratio of rape fantasies. In any case, this theory would only apply to some women.

•Openness to Sexual Experience - In some ways this is the opposite of the last one, and it doesn't explain rape fantasies so much as it describes the type of person to have them. If you're sexually open, you entertain a greater variety of fantasies. As one study described rape fantasy among these women, it's "just one more expression of a generally open, positive, unrestrictive, and relatively guilt-free expression of one's sexuality."

•Desirabilty - Many women like to believe that they're so attractive that men cannot resist the urge to overtake them. The evidence for this theory is suggestive but not yet conclusive. I did cover a study in Psychology Today last year indicating that women with attachment anxiety (neediness) have more sexual fantasies featuring submission.

•Male Rape Culture - Some have argued that women have been conditioned to buy into men's fantasies of domination. But the prevalence of rape fantasies has not changed much in recent decades, even as gender roles have.

•Biological Predisposition to Surrender - In many mammalian species, the male must pursue and subdue the female in order to mate. Women may be programmed to surrender to the successful dominant male. Just like many other theories in evolutionary psychology, this one makes sense but has not been tested empirically. (Writer Tracie Egan hints at this explanation in her essay entitled "One Rape Please (To Go)" about hiring a male prostitute to play-rape her (which I recently saw her read live): "...as a girl, my equipment can be trickier to manage, therefore I need to be a boss in the bedroom to ensure I get worked the right way. [But] it gets really tiresome always being the one in charge...")

•Sympathetic Activation - The sympathetic nervous system becomes engaged in times of stress or danger, activating a fight or flight response marked by increased heart rate, respiration, pupil dilation, and genital arousal. Just like on a roller coaster, fear and excitement go hand in hand.

•Adversary Transformation - In one survey of romance novels (which tend to be written by and for women), the lead female character was raped in 54%. The male heroes are usually rugged warrior types and these books may illustrate a desire to "conquer the heart of the rapist" and tame him for marriage.

•Reaction to Trauma - This one is not mentioned in the paper, but Brett Kahr, a psychoanalyst who has conducted the largest survey of sexual fantasies ever, argues that most masturbatory fantasies are attempts to transform early difficult experiences into pleasure. So those who have been sexually abused may try to master their trauma by taming those experiences.

I asked Kahr whether it's unhealthy to entertain rape fantasies. "At one level, they pose little problem because they represent a highly normative part of female sexual fantasy," he said; many women have them, and most of these woman easily distinguish between reality and fantasy. But in some cases it may recapitulate forgotten abuse that hasn't been processed properly, or it may reflect masochistic tendencies. A woman should see a professional if she's troubled by her fantasies. Julie Shulman, a clinical psychology professor at Alliant International University who has studied rape fantasies [pdf] also told me "the sexual and emotional health of such engagement can differ greatly," and would like to see more research on the topic.

Should women share their rape fantasies with their partners? "Obviously, a loving, committed, sympathetic man would respond delicately and sensitively to such news," Kahr said, "but a more sadistic partner (with conscious or unconscious sadism towards a woman)" might use the information more destructively. "One must proceed cautiously."

I asked my friend Rachel Kramer Bussel, an editor at Penthouse who has written about rape fantasies for the Village Voice, whether she thought it was unhealthy to act them out with men. She said it's not unhealthy per se: "At the end of the day, the woman has control over it, and it can be hot to give yourself over completely to someone within that context knowing that you can trust them."

Rachel added that "it's probably a tricky fantasy for men, as that is something that's inculcated into them not to do." I covered a study supporting such inhibition in the April issue of Psychology Today; it showed that men are slower to recognize words associated with dominance (coerce, fierce, etc.) if they've been primed with sex-related words (climax, oral, etc.) Pretending to rape someone, Rachel says, is "a lot of responsibility to assume, and if you're dealing with a woman who does have a history of sexual abuse in her past, it's extra thorny."

UPDATE 6/13/08:
Paul Joannides, author of the wonderful Guide To Getting It On, raises a couple of good points in a post on his own blog. First, in most rape fantasies, the guy is a hunk, and the woman isn't terrified or disgusted. If the rape in these fantasies is nothing like real rape, is it still rape? The authors of the paper I reviewed address this issue. They note the difference between erotic and aversive rape fantasies, the second type involving ugly, violent rapists and not much arousal. Most rape fantasies, as Joannides correctly notes, fit the first category. But there are constants. The authors write: "rape fantasies contain three key elements: force, sex, and nonconsent." They go on: "Certainly, in actual rapes minimal resistance and female sexual arousal do sometimes occur... and their occurrence would not render the encounter a seduction rather than a rape."

Second, Joannides writes that the woman with the fantasy is in control "because she's the one scripting the scenario," so consent is implied by definition. Here's how the authors address this apparent contradiction: "individuals exert control over the contents of their own fantasies, [but] these activities are against the will of her self-character in the fantasy." So whether, as Joannides argues, "'erotic rape fantasy' is a contradiction in terms" depends on how one conceives of the relationship between one's self and one's fantasy-self. As you may recall, Kurt Cobain addressed this prickly epistemological paradox in the 1990s with one of his songs: "Rape Me."
Why the Net Is So Seductive? - So many men, so little time. Mae West
Nowadays, one of the most exciting social, as well as romantic, sites to visit is cyberspace. At any moment, millions of people are surfing that space, socializing with each other or having romantic affairs. Their number is growing by the minute. Why do people feel compelled to leave the comfortable surroundings of their actual world and immerse themselves in this seductive space? Why are emotions so intense in this seemingly imaginary world? What is the lure of the Net?
The major features responsible for the great romantic seductiveness of cyberspace are imagination, interactivity, availability, and anonymity (see Love Online).
Imagination, which plays a major role in cyberspace, makes this space seductive since it can free us from the limits imposed by our bodies and by our contexts. Imagination has hardly any practical constraints, and it enables one to depict oneself and the other in a most positive and seductive light-much better than in reality. Online imagination can also complete, in an exciting manner, details upon which our online companions might remain vague. Imagination can, therefore, entertain our wildest fantasies. As someone who has participated in cybersex says: "Just as in personal fantasy, you don't have to worry about mechanics-your legs stretch as wide open as you wish, there are no unseemly smells or tastes or textures, and your partner looks precisely as good as you want him or her to look" (cited in Semans & Winks, The Woman's Guide to Sex on the Web).
Interactivity is what distinguishes cyberspace from other imaginative realities. In cyberspace people are not merely imagining themselves to be with an attractive person, they are actually interacting with such a person. Indeed, the reported actions are sexually more daring and exciting. You can do things in cyberspace that you would never do in real offline circumstances. The interactivity of cyberspace fosters a crucial aspect of romantic relationships: reciprocity. Mutual attraction is the most highly valued characteristic in a potential mate-this is true for both sexes. People like to hear that they are desired. It is easier to express reciprocity in cyberspace, as it requires fewer resources or real actions, and self-disclosure is greater.
Cyberspace is an alternative, available environment providing people with easy access to many available and desired options. It is easy and not costly to reach desired partners and easy to perform desired actions. It is easier to find romantic partners in cyberspace than at bars, shopping malls, or supermarkets. Cyberspace is also highly available in the sense that it is highly accessible. Connections to cyberspace are everywhere-home, work, hotels, and even cafes-and logging in is simple and inexpensive. One does not have to do much or invest significant resources in order to step into this imaginative paradise. Millions of people are eagerly waiting for you on the Net every moment of the day. They are available and it is easy to find them. (You must remember, however, that, as is true in offline life, most of those people will not suit or interest you.) The great availability is associated with frequent novel changes, and this makes cyberspace more dynamic, unstable, and exciting.
The anonymity associated with cyberspace reduces the risks of online activities. Such anonymity decreases vulnerability and the weight of social norms, and hence makes people feel safer and freer to act according to their desires. In offline circumstances, the fear of harmful consequences is one of the major obstacles to conducting many romantic affairs and to significant self-disclosure in those that are conducted. Because of the greater sense of security, self-disclosure is also more prevalent in cyberspace-this in turn increases intimacy and, accordingly, the seductiveness of online relationships is further enhanced.
The above features of cyberspace increase the lure of the Net and make people feel more excited, comfortable, free, and safe while engaging in an online romantic affair. A woman notes: "I experienced cybersex for the first time and I have never been so turned on in my life! It gave birth to and brought out my ‘animal.' We reveled in fantasyland. It was a constant daily fever-what a rush" (cited in Love Online). It has been claimed that cyberspace enables one to have more sex, better sex, and different sex. Since many moral and practical constraints are lifted in the Net, people can more easily make sexual contacts when and with whom they want. Cybersex can be more intense, relaxed, and satisfactory-it may also be conducted with people who are not available for offline sexual activities.
Cyberspace provides an easy and desired alternative to the difficult circumstances of real life. When attempts are made to transfer this alternative to offline affairs, some of its advantages may disappear. As Lisa remarks: "I personally have only had cybersex with one person-and although I was alone, it was probably the best sex of my life. Would I want to have real sex with this guy? Of course I think I would, but I'm smart enough to know that it is the separation of reality and fantasy that makes the whole cybersex thing so sexy" (cited in Love Online).
A significant advantage of cyberspace is that it is different: it provides desirable situations over and above those found in offline circumstances. It is not an advantage however, if people are unable to draw the lines between online and offline worlds. Blurring the lines is dangerous as it abolishes the advantages of each world. Learning to live within two worlds is difficult as well. The price of the greater freedom available online is the risk of being captured by your own desire. As the Eagles put it in their "Hotel California": "we are all just prisoners here of our own device." Cyberspace should complement, rather than substitute for, offline life. Accordingly, people should be moderate in their use of the Internet; thus, they might limit the amount of time they spend online. In light of the great lure of cyberspace, such limitation is hard to achieve as the risk of sliding down the slippery slope is so high.

Love and Marriage Topics from About.Com

Do You Have Any Dating Tips for Married Couples? - Most everyone agrees on the importance of married couples scheduling date nights with one another. Yet roadblocks like making time for the dates and deciding on what to do while on a date can get in the way. Do you have any dating tips for married couples? If so, please share them with our readers.

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How Often Do You and Your Spouse Date One Another? Vote ~ View Results

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Do You Have Any Dating Tips for Married Couples? originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Friday, March 5th, 2010 at 00:03:19.
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Marriages of Academy Award Nominees and Winners - For us, part of the fun of watching the Academy Awards is seeing who shows up with who and which stars remember to thank their spouses.
Check out this list of married Academy Award nominees. As they are announced, we will update the list with the winners for the main categories.

Marriages of Academy Award Nominees and Winners originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Sunday, March 7th, 2010 at 00:37:26.
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Placing Blame Again - We're as tired as you probably are of marriage scandals. Yet we had to respond to a recent statement about placing blame when a spouse cheats. It is very disappointing to read the blame for having unfaithful husbands is once again placed on the cheaters' wives.
In the WomensHealthMag.com article, "Can a Tiger Rehab His Stripes?", Elise Nersesian quotes a marriage therapist who made us say "WHAT???"

Under the sectional callout "Significant others usually share in the blame" is this comment:

"Despite the shock and betrayal many women feel when they discover their partner is an addict (usually the way Elin found out: by going through her husband's text messages), [Maureen] Canning [licensed marriage and family therapist] says women play a significant role in the problem. "It's almost impossible to not know, on some level, that your man is cheating," she says. "Women often pick people who they subconsciously don't trust, knowing he has the capacity to cheat."

Nersesian's article also discusses what happens in sex rehabilitation programs and points out that 63% of women polled on WomensHealthMag.com view sex addiction as "an excuse for infidelity." We encourage you to read Cory Silverberg's article, "Is Sex Addiction Real?"

We hope this business of blaming the victim ends.

Placing Blame Again originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Monday, February 22nd, 2010 at 00:24:16.
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Silly Fights - This evening we watched the sneak preview of the reality television show The Marriage Ref. The preview included a couple disagreeing about what to do with a stuffed dog and a couple not on the same page with having a stripper pole in their bedroom.
Believing that marriage is worth fighting for, The Marriage Ref looks at the domestic squabbles, marriage spats, quirky disputes, and bickering of married couples. The comedy show will not feature serious disagreements that could make or break a marriage or domestic violence issues.

We laughed as we watched the show and we will probably watch it again. We remembered an argument we had early in our marriage about aquariums. Bob had set up fish tanks in every room of our house -- including the kitchen, bathroom, and our bedroom. When one of the swordtails jumped into bed with us, I was not a happy camper.

What's the silliest thing the two of you fought about? Share your silly fight.

Silly Fights originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Monday, March 1st, 2010 at 07:37:12.
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Still Too Tired for Sex - In 2001 and in 2004, we reported statistics about couples who are too tired for sex.
Apparently, sleep deprivation is still taking a toll on sexual intimacy in marriage. Roni Caryn Rabin of The New York Times reports that one in four Americans say they are too tired to have sex. The study was done by the National Sleep Foundation.

One of the questions asked in the 2010 Sleep in America Poll was "if their intimate or sexual relationship has been affected because they are too sleepy ... About one in five respondents (23% Whites, 20% Blacks/African-Americans, 20% Hispanics and 17% Asians) indicated that their relationships had been affected because they are too sleepy." pg. 34.

Both of you need to make getting enough sleep a priority. Brandon Peters, M.D. shares guidelines for getting a better night's sleep. Here are some more solutions if your marriage is running on empty.
Still Too Tired for Sex originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Tuesday, March 9th, 2010 at 03:21:14.
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Surprise! Hostile Husbands Increase Wives' Depression Symptoms - We're being sarcastic. We're not surprised. How can people act like this news is something folks didn't already know? Sure, this is more than catching your spouse's bad moods, but marriage experts like John Gottman have been saying for years that negativity hurts marriages.
"But the positivity must outweigh the negativity by five to one."
Source: John Gottman, Nan Silver. "What Makes Marriage Work?." PsychologyToday.com. Mar/Apr 1994.

Several news sites including MSNBC and Medical News Today, reported about an article at ScienceDaily.com, "Husbands' Hostile, Anti-Social Behaviors Increase Wives' Symptoms of Depression, Study Shows."

The study explains: "... anti-social behaviors, which are those that are self-centered, defiant or show a lack of constraint; and hostile behaviors that are angry, critical or rejecting ... For instance, being snippy or curt with a spouse, interrupting her, eye-rolling, sneers and yelling were considered hostile behaviors."

It is interesting that the "researchers found no significant relationship between wives' hostile behavior and husbands' depression, unless significant life events, such as a death in the family or a job loss, were present."
We haven't been able to locate the full study online to see why, other than Proulx's belief that women may be more vulnerable to hostility than men and that "It is possible that women's well-being is more closely tied to the well-being of their close relationships than is the case for men."

More Quotes From the Study:
Christine Proulx: "The more hostile and anti-social behavior exhibited by husbands, the more depressed their wives were after three years. These findings suggest that husbands' treatment of their wives significantly impacts their psychological well-being and that hostile behavior has a lasting effect on couples that continues throughout their marriages."
Christine Proulx: "It's critical that professionals ask people experiencing depression about their close relationships and recognize that their spouse's behavior influences how they feel about life and themselves, especially among women. It is important to intervene at the couple level and make spouses aware that how they act toward each other has a long-term effect on their emotional and physical well-being."

Info About the Study:

Authors and Title: Christine M. Proulx, Cheryl Buehler, Heather Helms. "Moderators of the Link between Marital Hostility and Change in Spouses' Depressive Symptoms." Journal of Family Psychology. Vol 23(4). 08/2009. pgs. 540-550.

Where: University of Missouri.

How: Videos of 416 married couples at home over a period of three years were coded for anti-social behaviors and hostile behaviors.

Surprise! Hostile Husbands Increase Wives' Depression Symptoms originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Friday, February 26th, 2010 at 00:35:28.
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When Money is a Problem - Is money a problem in your marriage? If it is and if you are having more and more arguments about your finances, your marriage, along with your finances, is in trouble.
Some of the consequences of arguing about money could include:
- Your financial situation worsens due to not being able to make financial decisions.
- One spouse feels burdened by feeling all the responsibility for the family finances.
- One spouse feels left out of the decision making process when it comes to decisions on how to spend or save money.
- Important financial questions such as where important documents are kept, status of bill paying and savings accounts, and your budget may never be discussed.
- The marriage could suffer from lies, snooping, broken promises, lack of trust, fear, anger, disappointment, feeling betrayed and even stealing from one another.
"Twenty percent of American women surveyed admitted to taking money from their significant other's wallet without their knowledge."
Source: "She Makes How Much More Than Me?!" CNBC.com. 1/28/2010.

Don't ignore red flags in your marriage. If you want to stop fighting about finances, the first thing you need to do is to get your heads out of the sand and admit there's a problem. Make sure you talk with each other about your monetary concerns and issues.

When Money is a Problem originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Wednesday, February 24th, 2010 at 07:56:53.
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Wrong Question - Listening to news about Tiger Woods today, we heard one "teaser" that asked "How will he rebuild his career?" Isn't this the wrong question? Shouldn't the question be "How will he rebuild his marriage?"
According to the official Tiger Woods site, Tiger is not having a news conference on Friday.
He does plan "to discuss his past and his future, and he plans to apologize for his behavior. While Tiger feels that what happened is fundamentally a matter between him and his wife, he also recognizes that he has hurt and let down a lot of other people who were close to him. He also let down his fans. He wants to begin the process of making amends, and that's what he's going to discuss."

Hopefully, he already began the "process of making amends" with his wife Elin.

Wrong Question originally appeared on About.com Marriage on Thursday, February 18th, 2010 at 02:08:23.
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Advice Column: Professional Therapist at MentalHelp.Net

Sex is great, but I dont like to do it. - My partner and I have been together almost 10 years now, which may as well be a century in lesbian terms. We have a great relationship. Don’t get me wrong we have our ups and down like everyone else; even had some really big downs, but we’ve always managed to work it out. There is only one issue that keeps rearing its ugly head. I don’t like sex. Don’t get me wrong, sex feels wonderful when I have it. I don’t have any long-standing issues with sex. I’ve always been very open-minded and experimental, but it seems the older I get, the less I want to do it. My partner is the first person I’ve ever been with where I didn’t have to fake an orgasm. I think she is sexy and fun and when I do finally give in and “just do it” I have a great time. My only complaint is that it takes SO LONG for me to reach orgasm. My orgasms are fantabulous! But it takes a long time (like 1 hour +) and a lot of hard work on both our parts to make it happen. Because of this, no matter how great it is, I just don’t feel like doing it! It’s gotten to the point where if she even mentions it, I groan to myself (not out loud) and want to roll my eyes and huff and puff. I just don’t want to. It has created a very large wall between us, like the white elephant in the room. It’s always there hanging over our heads. She always wants it, I always don’t. She doesn’t understand how someone could dislike doing something so great and to be honest, I have to agree with her. It is great, so why don’t I like to do it? Am I just that lazy? It bothers me badly and makes me depressed and defensive, but I just haven’t found a solution. We’ve tried staying apart for months at a time on purpose just to take the pressure off. We’ve tried new and interesting and sometimes “kinky” things to try and get the momentum going. We’ve talked and cried and every time I think it’s going to change, and it does for a week or two, but then I just get tired of it again. Is this totally unheard of? What’s wrong with me? I am hoping that you or someone out there has heard of this before and might have some tips.
Religious wife regrets premarital sex; won't sleep with husband - My wife and I have been married for over 6 years, we got married young, 20 & 22. But her past has always bothered me she had been with 9 guys before me. I keep reading about this subject and I know the past is the past and to just leave it in the past. But my problem is my wife told me she slept with guys to get the attention and the affection. As soon as the guy stop giving her those items she would find another new fling. Well after we got married I made the mistake of judging her harshly about her past because I had only been with 3 women before her and all of which I was serious about. I was always taught Sex is the most sacred part of marriage and that was when you were suppose to engage in it, Catholic School for 12 years. Now 6 years later I have caused her to clam up about sex and she feels too vulnerable about opening up about sex because of how hard I was on her early on in our marriage. I know I was wrong for holding this over her head and I have apologized a million times. But she really has a tough time being intimate with me. She also had an abortion when she was 19, which she truly hates herself for what she did. It bothers her a lot. We have two wonderful healthy sons now and she is a teacher in a Catholic school. She feels as if she is a hypocrite because she teaches this children how premarital sex is wrong and abortion is a mortal sin. She is truly sorry about her abortion, But we have no idea how to help her become more affectionate. We are thinking about going into counseling again, or if just she should go? I want to help her with her baggage as I have baggage too just not of the sexual nature.
My postpartum love life has been nonexistant. What can I do? - I had a baby over a month ago but ever since i was pregnant my boyfriend has lost interest in me and its more focused on TV or other things. sometimes i feel like when we are out he is looking at other woman, like he is ready to trade me in or something. I tried to be romantic with him but its all a joke to him or he doesn't want to, he's got better things to do. I am so depressed at times because I will try to throw myself at him and he doesn't know i exist. What can I do to get the physical parts back? I want him to touch me and kiss me like he used to do.
Torn between two lovers, and scared of what I'll do - So I've been with my girlfriend for almost four years now, and not once have I seriously considered another person, until a month ago. My first day of university this guy comes up to me and just randomly introduces himself with, "Hello, my name is _____ and I just officially got $&#! by the university. How's your day?" Considering I was in the same situation and I had nothing to do, we started talking. Now it's a month later, and I'm head over heels for the guy. I mean, he's rude, completely not serious whatsoever, and painfully honest. Quite the opposite of my girlfriend who is quiet, moderately serious, and very polite. Unfortunately, this guy is also a "love 'em and leave 'em, the only place in my heart is for my friends" kind of guy. He has a lot of casual off and on things with girls he knows and very short lived relationships. Now, I know he has an interest in me because he's been quite open about it. And now I'm scared of what I'll do. I keep telling myself it's crazy to even consider breaking up with someone I love and have loved for over three years for someone who I wouldn't have a long standing chance with. I know I wouldn't be any different from the others. Except, perhaps, that we're good friends and that's where I stand apart from most of his casuals. This is where it gets really painful. Even if I did decide I was to go for him, I could not bring myself to break up with my girlfriend. I mean, that's cheating. The concept is horribly, horribly wrong to me; but I'm so sensitive to her feelings that I'm scared I'd be willing to ignore the future consequences to bypass the immediate ones. I'm wondering if I'm getting bored. Is that normal? This guy lacks so much charm that it's charming. We have the same twisted sense of humour and we talk for hours. I don't hug him because I'm worried that I wouldn't be able to restrain myself from kissing him. That just sets the wheels in motion. I suppose the bottom line is I'm wondering A) what I should do? Is this a sign that I should break up with her at the risk of the emotional turmoil because it is no longer working out (hence the attraction to someone else), B) why I would give up something secure for a real jerk and C) do I still love her? I mean, it's not like my affection for her is any different now as it was, say six months ago. It took a lot of work to get where we are. Please help, Torn
My depressed husband won't sleep with me. What should I do? - My husband has been going through severe depression for almost a year now. It manifested itself physically, so he was only diagnosed a few months ago. He is on medication and doing some what better. I have researched and read all materials online I can find. I have been incredibly supportive and he shows me on a regular basis that he is appreciative. I adore him and won't give up. However, we have had almost no sex life in a year! Sex has been a big part of our relationship. I stay strong for him every day. He goes to bed and I cry for hours. I'm afraid to let him know how I feel, because I don't want him to feel worse than he already does. It has been so long since we've been intimate in any way. And honestly I can't even kiss him anymore because it sets me off. I need him. Self gratification isn't working either. My fantasies consist of him which only depresses me. What should I do?
I'm always attracted to men who don't want me! What can I do? - I'm a 49 year old man. I think and feel like I'm from another time, another planet. Most people instantly like me. I've been blessed with many amazing friends over the years and yet, never really had anyone to hold nor anyone to hold me. I'm clinically disappointed. My life now holds more regrets than dreams. I'm gay. There's obviously something wrong with my tastes when it comes to men. I've been exclusively attracted to young men for as long as I can remember. When I was in my twenties, I was attracted to men in their twenties. When I was in my thirties, I was only attracted to men in their twenties. They were rarely attracted to me. Now, in my forties (soon to be fifty), I find myself still exclusively attracted to young men. Young men are not interested in me. In Los Angeles, the gay culture puts you out to pasture if you're over thirty. I'm reasonably good looking, outgoing, kind, gentle, with a great sense of humor, to young men, I am invisible. This is understandable, but how does one change what one is attracted to? There's more than my ageism that frustrates me. I appreciate effeminate men, however, they do nothing for me sexually. There's also the current trend in gay culture that is a complete turn-off for me —a seemingly majority of guys removing all their body hair. I find chest hair and pubic hair very sexy. To my eyes, a hairless handsome dude just looks like an overgrown twelve-year old. The only hairy men left are either straight or generally obese 'bears'. These are my 'tastes' and I'm sincerely not trying to be a snob. With my warped perspective, I'm doomed to never even begin to develop a relationship. The fashionable hairlessness movement can be tolerated cuz hair has the chance of growing back. But with my age prejudice, I'm f**ked cuz I can never grow young. I'm stuck in a hopeless dead end. Is there any hope for me and my conundrum(s)?
Do you really ever 'Just Know' ? - When I met my boyfriend a year ago, i felt a rush of emotion that I have never felt before. Not a giddy, lustful feeling, rather, a deep, intense, calm feeling. I remember telling my family and close friends, "I've never felt this way before. Even if circumstances come between us and we don't end up together for the long haul, then the person I do commit to spend my life with will create this feeling in me cause i truly believe that this is that "it" feeling people talk about when they say you "just know". We dated long distance for about 6 months, only seeing each other 3 times. At the end of the summer, he moved to NY to be closer to me and try to give our relationship a fair shot. Now that we're in the same place and able to see each other more situations, I'm finding that nearly every little thing he does annoys me! We're from very different backgrounds: he is a Colorado mountain boy who likes a simple life and all natural/organic things. I live in NYC, and while I love the outdoors and want to share this with him, I also truly love and appreciate the urban experience, diversity, and culture that city life has to offer. I don't find him to be intellectually challenging and he has no serious future plan. That being said, he is so sweet and thoughtful, so loving and kind. He will cook for me and rub my back. He's very attentive but I'm starting to feel like I love him the way you love your pet (I mean that in the nicest way possible). He comforts me but i am beginning to question if he truly fits as my partner. So what, then, happened to that feeling that I felt so deeply when we first held each other? Where did that overwhelming sense of calm and outpouring of love go? Am I over-thinking things and blocking the emotions from flowing or am I starting to realize a relationship is based on more factors than just feelings? Any thoughts...? For the sake of reference, I am 25 and he is 30 years old.
I'm having an affair with my boss. Can I get pregnant? - I have started a sexual relationship with my boss and he is married but his wife is not intimate with him so he turned to me but the problem is when we have intercourse we do not use protection! He pulls out! now by doing this can he still get me pregnant i know he has got no sexually transmitted diseases and he does not suit condoms and i am allergic to the pill. Also I have feelings for him and he flirts with other women in front of me and it gets me angry. He is starting to mess with my head! he is 30 years older than me and knows how to get to me. please can you answer my problems?

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