Husband Clothes

My husband came home for a day while on his job out of town (for one day). It’s wonderful to see him. And absence is so good for the heart, as well as the eyes. He is looking cuter than ever! Of course, this follows a 2 week absence. So, at this point, in my eyes the man would look great regardless of his actual appearance. For example, he could have gained 100 pounds, and he would look perfectly sexy to me right now. Or, he could be sporting his non-shaved head look and still look great.

Note of explanation on that last sentence: Shaved head is the ONLY way for him to go–otherwise, hair gets out of control. He thinks “doing his hair” is unmanly. To him “doing his hair” would involve using any hair product including shampoo (he uses normal soap), combing, or heaven forbid blow drying. See, he needs to be “manly,” therefore when his hair grows, it is horribly uneven, sticks out in weird places, always looks dirty, and is super unattractive. Except perhaps today, when it would look absolutely marvelous to me…

Oh, but this post is about “many” Hot Dads. I will list them for you now:

• Hot Dad #1, my husband, as I just described in detail.
• Hot Dad #2–the one I posted yesterday (who looks identical to my husband). I haven’t run into him again. That suits me fine, as it gives me a guilt complex, though it is also exciting.
• Hot Dad #3 has appeared. But this one’s a little ironic and odd. Let me explain.

Yesterday, I was waiting for my son to come to the gate. I was just minding my own business, observing people. Then I see a guy, a child’s father presumably, running to the school gate–he was late to pick up his child. I noticed he was quite nice-looking. (And I thought to myself, “What’s up with all the Hot Dads? Am I boy crazy or something? Why do I keep noticing Hot Dads? I need to GROW UP.”)

Low and behold, after about four seconds, I recognized him. He’s a friend of ours. It took me a minute because he’d shaved off his 1970s geeky detective mustache. You know, the ones that looked like this:

Sure, it looks GREAT on Johnny Depp as Donnie Brasco (good movie by the way, though old and violent). But for ALL other guys, this is a HUGE no no–except Johnny Depp, they make all men look TOTALLY CREEPY. (Note: If you are a guy, and you have one of these, please contact me immediately for constructive, inspirational suggestions that will intensely benefit your love life. And they’re FREE! Just my way of giving back.)

Oh, so you can imagine my dismay when I realized that New Hot Dad was actually Old Friend Creepy Dad!!!!! WHOA. It’s always strange when you know someone well, and then suddenly become aware that the person is attractive. Hm. I wonder why Old Friend Creepy Dad decided to shave his mustache? It sounds mean to call him this, but I simply can’t continue to refer to a male friend guy as “Hot Dad #3″–that’s just asking for trouble.

Hi, I hope all is well. We are having such a nice time–me and the boys that is. My husband is still working out of town. How hard it must be for military wives. Or wives who lose their husbands unexpectedly.

I usually like to (attempt to) be humorous, but I’m kind of in a deep mood. It’s odd how easy it is to say something snappy or have a negative thought about a loved one who’s right there with you. Then suddenly, when that person is absent, you realize how dumb all of those thoughts were.

I’m realizing how dumb it is that I almost divorced my husband over mowing the lawn about a month ago. Well, I suppose I didn’t ACTUALLY almost divorce him. But even that I wanted to. How dumb. He takes such good care of us. And his patience and steadiness are unmatched among all other people I know. And as I’ve mentioned many a time, he’s just so darn handsome. Isn’t it funny how you forget how loved ones look–whether they are attractive or unattractive, after long enough, you just see the person and no longer notice his or her beauty (or lack thereof)?

I just can’t wait until he’s home. Not because I need his help–due to his work schedule, he can’t really help too much around the house. I just miss him. He’s such a wonderful man.

What a rambling post! Goodness. Oh, I DO have stories as I said before. But because I’m having these SO-in-love-with-husband thoughts, it seems best to post them. A blog can’t be comprised SOLELY of jokes about one’s spouse. Well, yes it could. But not mine. See, I just proved it with this post. hahahahahah!!!

Last night, I FINALLY accomplished my 3-month goal of getting into bed around 11:30 pm. This was a HUGE feat and took me many weeks. I gradually had to work my way down from somewhere around 2:00 am (and I may be lying to not tell you how late I was really staying up, but let’s assume it was 2:00 am). Please note: This story references “hot heroes.” However, my husband is most definitely the the hottest hero in my eyes, despite that he slept and snored through most of the following events.

Then, just as I was drifting off to sleep, I hear SCREECHING tires, the LOUD and cursing voice of a male very near my window, and a super loud car motor SPEEDING off!!!! THEN I hear my neighbors talking outside (and one of them is veeery cute, so it quickly occurred to me that I’d better go make sure everyone’s safe, um hm). I go downstairs, and they give me the full story. Turns out cute neighbor guy–we’ll refer to him as My Hero from here on-was the one who yelled.

Turns out My Hero yelled curse words because two THIEVES threw a big metal thing through the driver window of MY car in attempts to get my GPS thing. (This was left in my windshield by my husband last time he used my car. I failed to remove it because I don’t like using it, or understand how it plugs/unplugs into my car.)

Um, have you seen how crashed up my car ALREADY WAS?? (If no, here’s a photo.) Thanks thieves. Anyway, THEN, I called the police to file a report. But WHAT LUCK, way, way, hot police officer came to take the report!!!! YES! So many handsome men paying so much concerned attention to me.

Then MORE LUCK. I called the car window repair people. Tomorrow they’re coming to fix it. No rental necessary. Labor, parts and all $275.

Only remaining problem: How can I ensure no one gets in and drives my car away before tomorrow? It is, after all, pretty much open to the public, if you will. Then, I had a total “Husband Idea.” LEAVE THE GLASS ON THE SEAT AND IN THE FLOOR. Perfect deterrent. No thief is going to sit on this much broken glass to steal a car that looks like this. And they are certainly not going to take the time to clean it. HA. Genius. Thanks.

I suppose I should be irritated about this situation, but actually I’m feeling very 1) proud that I got in bed at 11:30 pm, though it was 3:30 am when I got back to bed, 2) happy my husband was home “early” yesterday so he was here when this happened, 3) blessed at the two handsome heroes who protected me–you can call it “informed me of information” or “took a police report,” I call it “protected me”, and 4) grateful that no person or property was hurt except my already crashed up car.

What an interesting weekend considering my monotonous life. Perhaps things are heating up around here! I’ll keep you posted.

My husband’s job involves working on movies. Yet he can barely name a single famous actor or actress. I’m not sure what that means. It could mean we need to visit a neurologist. Or that he needs to do some serious brushing up on his celebrity gossip–get with it guy!!!! Let me know what you think after reading this true story.

Does everyone remember the HUGE hype that came out about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt shortly before the release of “Mr. and Mrs. Smith”? (In case you are like my husband, I am referring to the story about the divorce between Pitt and Aniston and the alleged affair between Pitt and Jolie). So, right as this story came out, my husband began working on the movie “Mr. and Mrs. Smith.” (Not as an actor, but in an artistic role.) If you remember, everyone everywhere was talking about this scandal. It was all over the internet. It was even on primetime news. So I said to him, “Oh cool, that’s the movie that Brad Pitt and Angelina star in together!”

My husband asked: “Who’s Angelina?”

Naturally, I was confused. Then assumed this was one of his jokes that aren’t funny. I said, “Uh, Angelina JOLIE.”

He said, “Who’s Angelina Jolie?”

That was not funny, but nevertheless, he was not joking. He now claims that knew her FACE, just not her NAME. However, a while later, he was working in a studio in Los Angeles and ran into Natalie Portman. (They didn’t say hi or anything, just stood near each other for a few seconds.) He DID at least know she’s famous, and knew she was in “Star Wars,” but was unable to identify her by name. There are other famous people he has run into. But I couldn’t even figure out who they were.

This story illustrates a few points. First, it shows that my husband is out of touch in a way you and I never thought possible. Secondly, it shows that there are some people who really, TRULY aren’t phased by beauty, money, fame, and so on. BUT look out! These people will also not care about their own beauty, money, or fame. So, husband doesn’t know the name of beautiful women=husband doesn’t feel the need to fix chipped tooth for beauty’s sake. Or husband doesn’t care about money=husband thinks it’s fine to have no job for a long time.

But I made my choice, and despite all of the oddities, I’m very happy with having a husband who’s moronic in some ways but very real and deep in others. That said, I sincerely hope he doesn’t freak me out like that again anytime soon.

Hi. Being that it’s Easter Weekend, my husband is spending many hours at home. This means, I can’t post as freely as I usually can. Darn it. And it also means that topics to write and complain about are piling up (though I will not be able to vent about them until Monday…) SO quickly, while he’s out (yay!), two critical updates:

1. So help me if his beard gets any longer, I may not be able to resist the urge to yank it out. Oh please, who am I kidding. I’m a pushover. He’s not doing anything about it whatsoever. Unless it drives me to crying, screaming, and cursing–but I’ve been putting up with this for 9 years–it takes a lot more than a tacky (okay, atrocious) beard to get me to that point…

By the way, did I say if the beard gets “longer”? Unfortunately, it doesn’t get long, it gets WIDE. No, I am not joking. It curls up and expands in width, not length. And his isn’t one of those little chin beard things. No, no, it’s one of those grows under your chin from ear to ear things. He’s pretty much a brunette Santa/Grizzly Adams character right now. (I’m so sorry to be changing topics at the speed of light on you here, but did anyone else think Grizzly Adams was hot when you were little? I sure did. Hm, maybe that’s why I married my husband…)

2. Tooth Update: After the dentist appointment, they supposedly told him that fixing the CHIP would be an “extremely complex process.” He claims to have made an appointment but he “can’t remember” when the appointment is. When I say, “Oh I’ll call them for you to ask,” he says he has the appointment written down on a paper “in the car.” See, I know his tricks. Monday, I’m calling to see if there’s an appointment. If there is NOT an appointment with the dentist, I may make a little appointment with a local hotel. As in, to go live there with my children until my husband gets himself looking presentable again with that tooth and beard. He and his tooth and beard can go down, but he isn’t taking me down with him. No sir.

3. Fun Activity Update: I am so excited. We’re having two couples over for dinner tomorrow. They both have kids. It’s going to be loud and wild. I have a ton of food to fix–it is already 7pm. I’ll be up till 2am again. Don’t let me act like I hate it–I love staying up…

I have mentioned in previous posts, my husband is naturally handsome. It’s one of the main reasons I wanted to date him. Also, he knows 3 languages and he’s really, really kind. The problem is that he often sabotages his his good looks. Let’s look at an example. Does your guy ever do this? I hope not. Oops, sorry, this post is for guys. Guys, do you ever do this to your girlfriends or wives?

[Update: My husband finally read my blog–after 2 years! He made me take down his photo. I have no choice–he’s a techie and could shut down my blog in a matter of seconds–though he did not threaten to do so. SO imagine: Photo A–very hot looking bald guy with a shaven beard and shirt with light stain on it. Photo B: shaggy, dumpy looking guy with wide, but not long, beard, and a clump of hair sticking out on the left side of his head.]

See how hot my husband looks in Photo A? Nicely trimmed hair and beard. Oh, well, he is wearing the pirate shirt with the florescent green thing on it…um, and there is a large, though light, stain on the shirt to the right of the pirate. You know, this is about as good as it gets for me, and as sad as it is, I still think he looks hot and am still going to use this as the “model” photo to demonstrate my point.

Now, guys, let’s examine Photo B. Notice:
1) The “blob” of hair sticking out (left side).
2) The woolly beard and mustache. I’m going to make this short and sweet (don’t tune out, this is important) girls, especially girlfriends and wives who are no longer awed by your hotness, don’t want to be near you when you resemble Grizzly Adams, or worse, an actual grizzly bear.

Guys, do you see the difference the shave and hair grooming made from Photo A to Photo B? I know some guys do. For the ones who don’t: you’re just going to have to trust me. There is a huge difference. I’ll prove it. Groom yourself for 2 solid weeks and watch how the special lady in your life suddenly becomes attracted to you again. And maybe other ladies. But be good, Tiger, remember who loves you when you look like Photo B.

(Note to husband in case he is spying on me and my blog: SEE, I TOLD you your hair was sticking out on the left side. Now do you think it looks “fine”? Didn’t think so.)

Finally, a photo of some very questionable, borderline frightening, work attire that does not belong to MY husband. These shoes belong to the husband of one of my very good friends. Take a look at these little treasures:

Come on now. Are you sure these things are shoes? Where could this guy have possibly purchased these? No–don’t tell me. If my husband is in fact spying on my blog, he must not see the name of this store under any circumstances. If you recall, my husband isn’t the best judge of shoes himself (follow the link to get a look at his charming ankle cowboy boots that were never in style or in any way acceptable for public wear).

Oops, my husband has entered the room. Of course, he is checking email on his cell phone and totally oblivious to the fact that I am present. He is facing my computer screen and does not appear at all phased. But I must go nonetheless.

Oh, look for more guest photos tomorrow–boyfriend garbage overflow and husband kitchen help (different girls) . Also, just in case you have this same issue (with husbands and shoes), here is a link to a shoe store with low prices and top name brands. Your guy could probably shop here himself and get something decent–I don’t think they even carry velcro office shoes:

I think my husband might be spying on me! The day after I posted the photo of his brown wrinkled pants (below), he put them in the laundry basket.

Now, perhaps that doesn’t seem like a huge coincidence right off the bat. But he has outright refused to let me (yes, as in ALLOW ME) to wash the pants for 3 WEEKS.

And suddenly, when I make fun of them on my blog, he decides to wash them? Something seems awry. I will keep you posted.

Alright, this one’s a doozy. These are my husband’s favorite pants. Can you tell? They are (as in WERE) good, quality pants–Levi’s, you know, not the type you’d expect to wrinkle like aluminum foil.

But the problem doesn’t lie in the fabric. No, the problem is my husband’s firm belief that pants can be worn 20 times before they are washed. (I will add right now that despite all logic, after 20 wears of pants, my husband does NOT smell. If he did, I would be the first to let you know.) Here is a photo before I go any further:

Moving right along, my husband wears these pants with the florescent green pirate shirt below. He wears this nifty little combo to work at LEAST twice each week. And washes it once every 2 months. Meaning I wash it once every 2 months.

These pants are classified as UNT (Urgently Need to be Trashed). But I would be killed. I think my husband would divorce me 10 times before he’d give these things up. I can be slick sometimes though. So if anyone has any sneaky ideas on “accidents” that could happen to these pants–do let me know. (But they have to be good, as in no “oops, I accidentally ran over your pants with the lawn mower” stories. I’m thinking perhaps our three-year old marks up the pants while I’m “in the bathroom” or something of this nature.)

While I’m at it, do you enjoy the tie things at the bottom? I sure do. My favorite is the tie thing sticking out through the zipper. I am sure those guys come in handy.

Okay, it’s time to show you some new trends that my husband has come up with. This little “shirt trick,” if you will, is classified as UNM (Urgently Needs Modification). But I have been trying to change this new habit, and nothing is working. My husband thinks it’s a work of genius, and he’s not giving it up. See the photo:

Who can identify the obvious problems here? Well, 1) There’s a piratey looking skull on the shirt 2) The skull is florescent green. 3) The shirt is wrinkled as if it’s been crumpled into a ball, yet hanging as if it’s ready to wear to work tomorrow morning–as I am sure it will be.

However, we haven’t even gotten to the trend. This looks like one shirt, doesn’t it? NO, IT IS TWO SHIRTS. My husband must have seen middle school and high school rock-n-roll students wearing heavy metal T-shirts over sweatshirts. And then he decided that this is his new look. He even says that when I ask him to stop: “No, this is my new look.”

In addition, when he takes the shirts off, provided they are still clean (and in my husband’s mind, clothes are ALWAYS clean), he takes them off simultaneously and hangs them up together, just like this.