Husband Clothes

Have I ever mentioned how hot my husband is, no matter how much weight he gains or loses? When both of the boys were little, there was a time or two when they saw Andrei Agassi playing tennis. Eric pointed at him and started crying “Daddy come home!” Niko pointed at him and laughed while saying “Daddy, daddy, hahahahah.” I don’t really think they look similar (except being bald), but I do think they are both super hot.

Well, anyway, he has this really odd thing. He really couldn’t care less about looks, weight, any of that. That includes for me–which is nice, but I try to look nice anyway (maybe that’s why he doesn’t care??) When we first dated, I would comment about nice clothes or hairstyles of people passing by, and one day he blurted out “You think a lot about unimportant things.” Strange. But deep, and I like it.

So, he gains and loses about 15 pounds each year depending on his work cycle. When there’s a lot of work, he loses. When work is slow he gains. Right now he’s in the stage where he lost 15, and his jawbone is looking mighty chiseled, and the belly mighty flat.

Too bad about the chipped tooth and nose-picking…

Now, if you saw my husband, you’d think “normal guy, normal teeth” (or if you’re me, “hot guy, normal teeth.”) However, his teeth problems and hesitance to visit dentists have nearly lead us to divorce and devastated me emotionally time after time.

BUT fortunately for me, after 9 years of marriage, we’ve come a long way in the world of teeth.

The difference perhaps between my husband and yours is that when my husband breaks or LOSES a FRONT TOOTH, he refuses to get it fixed/replaced for about a year. Why? Because you dummy, the dentist will mess it up and make it worse. (How you can make a hole where your front tooth should be WORSE? I am not sure–you’ll have to ask my husband.)

So now he has a chipped tooth, one of the two front teeth (the 3rd dxxx problem with a front freaking tooth). For two months, he refused to go to the dentist. Finally, I threatened to do mean things to him, and I scheduled a dentist appointment for him, and he promised to go. He showed up 15 minutes late, and they wouldn’t see him (too many other patients). Then he refused to go to another. This means he has now had a front chipped tooth for 3 months. He couldn’t care less. He thinks it’s totally unobvious, yet everyone notices it.

It’s very embarrassing. I don’t want to go out in public with him. I don’t want to kiss him. I love him, but his chipped tooth is ruining my life and making me very sad.

Astounding. I found this shirt in the closet and thought I’d photograph it for you. I was aghast at what happened when the camera flashed. The thing lit up like a firework! It’s almost as bright as headlights. Wearing this thing outside on a sunny day might be a bad idea. Wearing this thing at all might be a bad idea. Even in a gym. Unless it’s the one where Doctor Spok goes, in which case, he’d fit right in.

The icing on the cake: he wears it with these green pants. Notice the hole in the pants. Notice also the weird tie mechanism these things have–it looks like they are violating themselves. I thought he did this to hide the tie, but he swears they came this way.

In case he’s reading this, I’m going to put a link to a REALLY NICE sports clothing store–Champs. Honey, you can click right on there–all the clothes you find should be great. There’s no clothing, for example, that lights up unexpectedly or violates itself at Champs:

I have a question: What the heck are these things for? No seriously, take a quiz. Answer these questions about the boots in this photo:

1. These “shoes” ______.
a. were purchased and worn by a real person like you and me
b. were rented out by a costume shop as part of a pirate costume
c. are antiques that were worn by real cowboys in the Wild West
d. have real spurs on the back

2. The best way to dispose of them would be to ______.
a. donate them to poor children who don’t have enough money to buy real cowboy boots
b. shove the pointy toes in the gas pipes of coworkers you hate
c. set them on fire while camping with Tonto
d. donate them to a welfare organization for pirates and/or cowboys

Man. I don’t even know how to properly express the grief these m*#$ f**&&ers have caused me. Ankle boots for men should have never been freaking invented. COWBOY ankle boots for men is just evil. Plain evil. These things weigh like 20 pounds. WTF? I keep trying to throw them in the trash, but Weird Husband catches me and grabs them and hides them.

The good news is that he hasn’t worn them for a long time. The bad news is that he was wearing them on our first date, and I missed the cue. The cue to put my foot down and explain that any clothing more than 5 years old, more than 10 pounds heavy, and that even remotely resembles anything that could be worn by cowboys, skinheads, pirates, or be part of a museum display–is simply off limits.

While I am pretty sure that no one reading this blog has a husband who owns a similar pair of boots, I am going to post a link in case anyone else’s guy needs some nice (i.e., acceptable) new shoes. This shoe store never sells crazy stuff–just high-quality name brands at good prices: