Husband Clothes

We’re having a sleepover for my son’s party–it’ll be much less expensive than the hosted party at a party place or even Chuck E. Cheese…Plus, all of his friends have had one, and my son is just dying to have one. I will be here by myself of course with a house full of boys (because my husband will be working all night as usual)…

I thought, well, my husband could buy the birthday cake. That’s a pretty fair contribution. Well, actually it’s a pretty miniscule contribution, but my husband can’t help his work schedule right now, and basically, he’s at work 24/7. We see him 15 minutes every morning as he runs off to work. BUT he likes going to the store–gets him out of the studio. So I thought, CAKE. He can do that.

No, he can’t do that. I specifically wrote “Please get a standard, normal birthday cake.” He knows exactly what that is. Instead, he got this:

This is a great cake. And as you can see from the sticker on it, it’s the moistest cake I’ve ever eaten! However, I can’t write “Happy Birthday” on this cake. I know, that’s getting picky, though I am really, truly so not the picky type–I can barely even explain in words to you how UN-picky I am…and I think I need therapy to learn to be more picky, but thats a story for another day. I suspect we’re about to enter an economic depression in which people will not even get to have a homemade birthday cake–so don’t get me wrong, I understand that my son is lucky to have a cake of any kind.

But while we still have the opportunity to buy a standard birthday cake, I’m going to take advantage of it. We went to the store together, and my son chose this:

So we’re all squared away for the party tonight. And now, onward my friends. I have a ton of work to do. It’s really stressing me out. Having a house full of boys from 6pm this evening until 12pm tomorrow is frighteningly the LEAST stressful part of this entire week. Sure, husband could have saved me that one little chore of buying the cake. But now we have 2 cakes. That’s kinda nice. I’ll eat the moist one by myself to reduce my stress levels. BTW, I have 6 weeks till baby is born and have gained only 13 pounds. (Usually people gain 20-35 pounds or more by delivery.) Must be the MOWING. So, I could probably eat 5 entire cakes and be fine. And I am so stressed out, I may very well do that.

But at least we’ll have a fun party!!!! We will miss Dad, though. (But supposedly, he’ll be home this weekend! That would be GREAT. We shall see.)

My husband, the kind, handsome, wonderful man he is, definitely marches to the beat of a different drummer. A very different drummer. A drummer who can be annoying at times due to being so unaware of and forgetful of obvious things, yet still feel thoroughly convinced that he knows so much about everything. Especially health, driving laws, and child-rearing. About once every week or so, he shocks me with some bizarre question or statement. I thought I’d list the 10 examples that come to mind–ALL 100% TRUE.

1) Using a seatbelt is dangerous. Also carseats are dangerous for children. (We have children. He abides by the law, but that doesn’t make me feel much better about either of these statements.)

2) Driving the speed limit on the freeway can be dangerous. Sometimes you have to go faster to be safe.

3) What’s my mother’s area code? (As in, his mother’s area code.)

4) Do you spell our son’s name with a “c” or “k” at the end?

5) How old are you? (As in, how old am I. He has known me almost 11 years.)

6) How many years have we been married? (He would probably be at least two years off if he guessed.)

7) Who is Angelina Jolie? (He rattled off this question in 2005 when she’d been very famous for many years. Also he works in the movie industry and was about to begin working on “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” when he asked this question.)

8 ) You know the Airborne you gave me to stop my cold? I think it infected my kidneys.

9) I can’t apply for another job yet. I still haven’t gotten a response from the last one I applied for 2 weeks ago. (This helps explain why he was unemployed for a very long time during our early married years.)

10) It won’t be hard to have a 3rd child. You’ll be fine. (Of course, as he works 9am to 11pm-ish most days.)

PS. His jokes are even stranger than his quotes and questions. They also cause people to stop and do a double take. You can read about those here and here.)

Okay, there may be an update on a birthday gift for me from my husband. (Disregard completely the fact that my birthday passed two days ago already. Also disregard that my husband still most likely would be a year off if he tried to tell you my age. Finally, pay no mind that I think this gift is something he needs right now, but coincidentally something I can use for 2 days.)

He did just call to see if we are in the clear to take a “fairly sizable sum” from our debit card for a purchase. THAT, my friends, has birthday present written all over it. So, I guess my lecture worked. (This is the lecture he got after saying the birthday CAKE he brought home for our dinner guests was my present. Moving along before I get mad again…)

As I mentioned, I do suspect that the gift may be an electronics item that he is in need of–a very good mp3 recorder. However, I also happen to want this so that I can use it for a business I have–for 2 days. He will use it forever. That’s okay. As long as it’s not a cake.

I need to get this out and move along before it makes me really mad.

We had friends over for my birthday yesterday. While I cooked beforehand, my husband took the boys out to the toystore. I asked him to buy a cake. (Must mention the husband “cake problem”–he likes wierd cakes, I like normal cakes. By “weird,” I mean lots of fruit, cream, crunchy bread part, not soft and fluffy, etc. I like the totally bland, normal birthday cake. So, usually we get wierd cakes, but on my birthday, I feel that it’s fair to put my foot down and insist on a normal cake.)

They were gone for a LONG time, maybe 3 hours. I was sure he got me a present–or why so long? So, after they came in, I asked, “You got me a present, didn’t you?”

His response: “Yeah–the cake.”

This is the end of the story. That means he was not joking. He actually meant that the CAKE was my present. (On the upside, however, the cake was totally normal and very good.)

I’m tired of talking about gifts. Onto funner topics (funner for me anyway, as a non-recipient of gifts. Recipients would probably love to keep talking about the wonderful gifts they get every year from their normal husbands who wear hot clothes…and I am so happy for you. Really, not jealous. Happy. Damn happy.)

PS. I see I should begin preparing for my Mother’s Day present immediately. Whether you’re a guy or gal, consider this present for your mother (or wife or girlfriend): upload one photo of yourself or you and your girl together, or your children or best, your whole family. Put it on a coffee cup, tote bag, framed picture, or many other products (see the link to Shutterfly above). No matter what lady this is for–SHE WILL LOVE IT. I use Shutterfly every year to order calendars for 20 family members– this is a great company, and everyone talks about the calendars ALL YEAR LONG. If my husband did this for me, I would die of happiness (but he won’t). Above is a $5 coupon–enjoy.

Okay, I am becoming very confused. First, I was sure my husband was spying on my blog. Then I couldn’t take it anymore and asked him to read it (but he was too tired, even though I said “please read it, I make fun of you in it.”) Then I think he DID read it.

Question: If he read my blog, how did he miss the post on the first page where I talked about my birthday (which is TODAY) and linked him to presents for me??? So, for his own sake, I will relink him to these presents–1800 Flowers and Zales, as well as give him another verbal reminder.

Note for Husband in case he is reading: Honey, at this point, I will not specify a bouquet. Just click on the link below to 800 Flowers. Unlike in the prior post where I told you which bouquets I like, at this point, ANY bouquet will do. No, it won’t possibly get here on my birthday, but I don’t mind. Any day this week is fine.

Next: Zales–here, some things are not my style. Some are far too expensive. The things I like are items 16089170 ($25), 16982472 ($59 or $79), 17256876 ($104). Just click on the banner below, search for the items, and order one for me. EZ.

Again, these things will not arrive today. In fact, if you order from Zales, it will take a few days, but they use free FedEx, so I am guessing I’d get it this week. Again, any day this week is fine. However, please note: if I don’t get a present, OR if my present is a $5 dry ugly aquarium from CVS like the other year, you’re not going to have a pleasant week.

I used to be a teacher. (But now write school books…and blogs.) So, I know strategies on making quizzes easy, challenging, or whatever the occasion calls for. For fun, I’m going to give my husband this quiz (which he will totally blow off) :

1) How many days from now is my birthday? (Hint: see title of post)

2) How old am I? (Hint: I am exactly 6 months older than you. I realize sometimes you forget how old you are. That’s fine. Me too.)

3) What do I want for my birthday?

Now, the reason this post is necessary is because I need to send it to my husband. He never gets me presents for my birthday or any other holiday. He forgets. I remind him and explain to him how important it is each year. No matter.

I want some darn presents for my birthday this year. Something feminine. Something pretty. NOT an ugly dry aquarium with cacti in it, for example, that has a cheap ugly mirror in the back and cost $5 at CVS. Yes, he actually did get me this, and it happens to be one of the 2 presents he has gotten me during 9 years of marriage. (Note to husband: Do NOT get me one of these things ever again. If you do that, do NOT pretend that you planned it and think it’s nice. Also, if I throw it away because it’s ugly and looking at it makes me sad, please do NOT fish it out of the garbage.). Now, again, for husband, I am linking you directly to some gifts I like. They are pretty, inexpensive, and perfect for me or any girl. (If, by the way, there are other guys out there, note that ordering jewelry or flowers for your girl on any occasion, but especially NO occasion will result in lots of hot..uh meals for at least a week or two.)

Zales : Item #16809170($25) , #16982472 ($59 or $79), or #17250876 ($104)

1800-Flowers (worry not, no phone call involved): bouquet Thanks-a-Latte ($29) or Daisy Garden ($35)

Husband, please, please, please, order me something from either place–assuming that you did read my email and this entire post–and do so by Sunday (my birthday):

Happy Easter, everyone! I’m thinking a lot about how lucky I am today–the blessings and gifts I have. Let me warn you though, when I post about the topics of my husband + gifts, it’s going to get a little annoying.

Before I tell my annoying (ok, infuriating) story, let me mention that if you need gift ideas or quick shopping for your guy’s birthday or any other special occasion–please visit the Husband Clothes gift store (link also to the right). It’s powered by Amazon, and you can get really good electronics and hard-to-find gifts (like a “sexy” Borat green swim suit–but this is not one of my picks–I’m just saying it’s available at the store:)

As much as I LOVE buying and giving gifts, I must admit that buying gifts for MY husband is sheer torture. Why? Because he is a picky freaking BABY. He hasn’t gotten the message–one that is quite pertinent today actually–gifts are given from LOVE, so no matter what the gift, we are lucky to be cherished. Also, not everyone gets gifts. Even if you don’t LIKE a gift, you pretend to like it. You exchange it. You store it somewhere.

OH, not my husband. No siree. His worst nightmare is getting a gift that isn’t EXACTLY what he’s always dreamed of (from me, I mean–from others, all gifts are special) . Do realize that the gifts he gets me are also exactly what he has always dreamed of having for himself–described in detail here–that is, on the rare occasion that I actually receive a gift from him–about 4 times in 9 years of marriage. Thanks:) Just have fun reviewing this conversation that happened right before our anniversary due to my not choosing the “correct” gift:

Me: Honey, I got you a great gift for our anniversary. You are going to LOVE it! Did you get me anything yet?

Him: What is it? [ignores question as to whether he purchased gift for me]

Me: I don’t want to tell you. It’s a surprise.

Him: Yeah, but I might not like it. You should tell me, so I can tell you if I like it. This way, if I don’t like what you got, you can get me something better.

After the last disappointing gift I got him, he asked me to just give him money next time. Uh, he earns most of our money. So, I’m going to give him HIS money to buy his own gift? I tried it. The “gift” he got himself was cables, long, orange cables, and like 50 of them–$200 worth to be exact. They were never used. Sure, that’s what he wanted. Well, sorry, I want something more “gifty.” Also something that will not take up my VERY valuable hall closet space. And yes, I have tried to get him to TELL me what he wants, so I can buy it. In these cases, he “couldn’t think of it right now” for weeks, or the ideal gift for me to buy costs $500-$1000. Perhaps when you own your own film studio, buster.

Maybe I will send him to the Husband Clothes gift store to buy his own dumb gifts from now on. Nothing there costs $1000, and he can just use a darn credit card instead of me giving him a bunch of his own money…For heaven sakes–see why I call it torture?? Word to men: please, appreciate your gifts.

Getting a birthday present from my husband used to be quite a challenge. Actually, getting a gift for any occasion from him is pretty much impossible (for me, for other people, easier). Honestly speaking, I don’t think my husband knows the exact year of my age. (He would guess close to my age, but I’m not going to promise he’d get it right on the mark.) Okay, I’ll admit it right now–this part is partially my fault. I am in my thirties but look like a teenager–in banks and places I get blown off and people think I can’t understand big words like SEP IRA or small cap funds… Therefore, I lie about my age like crazy. I always claim to be at least 5 years older than I actually am. SO, it only hurts my feelings a little when he forgets my exact age and never gets me gifts for anything ever.

But last year, I figured out this SLICK trick. Figure out something he wants for himself, and just ask for that. Guaranteed gift, on time, and of course, not the cheap dumb version, but the latest and greatest. Only the best will do when it’s something my husband wants for himself!

Tried it out, and got a brand new mini-DV camera that lets me record videos and upload them right onto my “computer”!!! (To see why I jokingly call it a computer, take a look at the description and photo of it–this was another “gift” from my husband). True, he has it, and I don’t know where. True, I have never used it (but would like to). But it’s still technically mine and it made me feel SO special!

This year I decided to get an mp3 recorder. It’s for a cool business I am starting. More on that later. But for now, I mainly wanted to share a little of my slickness with you. Sorry, I guess I should be more humble–but it has taken me 9 years to figure out how to get a guaranteed birthday present, so I guess I’m feeling rather hot at the moment.

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