Husband Clothes

I need to start this post by saying that my husband is one of the most WARM and LOVING fathers ever. He’s extremely attentive and dedicated to our boys. When he spends long weeks at work, he insists on spending whole weekends with the boys. I’m always welcome to go along of course, but whether I do or don’t, he insists on taking the boys out from morning till night and spending every waking moment with them. He doesn’t need a break from them. He doesn’t get bored and need to do something else. Being with his boys is fun for him. There is nothing more important to him on earth.

So, his thoughts and feelings on being a father definitely never needed any improvement. However, there are also fathering skills. These have needed quite a bit of improvement and have caused a few issues, I’m tempted even to say serious ones, though now they are resolved.

For a long time, my husband didn’t believe in saying “no” to children. He felt it was better to “trick” the child into doing what you want them to. This alone almost lead to divorce because when I DID say no, I’d get constant dirty looks from both husband and son, and my husband would shake his head and stuff like this. Way too annoying to put up with.

He also wants to overindulge the kids. Toys and candy. He would have no problem giving them two to three toys and two to three huge desserts every single day. I think this might be a hero complex of some kind. I don’t know what it is, except that it can get really irritating for me.

Thankfully, we’ve evolved and changed. Well, I guess I should say my husband has evolved and changed. I started ready to compromise on our child-rearing practices. He wasn’t. He had his own ideas of how things should be (without having consulted a single soul). How did this get resolved? Well, my husband had to work out of town for 6 months and was amazed at the positive changes in our son when he returned. My son was much happier and healthier due to consistency, reasonable boundaries, and having learned the meaning of “no” when necessary. It was obvious that our son was doing very well.

Now my husband even gives our sons time outs when they’re bad! I’ll always be the stricter parent, but that’s ok. We agree enough to be really consistent with our children, and it shows in their confidence, behavior, and habits. Not to toot our own horn or anything…I don’t often talk about my boys on this blog (as I have a whole ‘nother blog for that), but they are GREAT kids, and I am extremely proud of them!

Usually my husband gets home late. But now we’ve entered a whole new dimension of “late.” I used to think I knew what “late” meant. Now I’ve discovered that “late” and “early” are actually the same thing! The only difference is when the activity you reference BEGAN.

For example, when I say “5:30 am,” my bet is that most of you are thinking “oh, that’s EARLY.” But I’m thinking “oh, that’s LATE.” Why? Because that’s what time my husband got home from work two nights last week (after going in at 9:00 am).

I am afraid for his health. Well, not to mention mine. Try being 8 months pregnant with two wonderful little boys who make you run up and down the same huge flight of stairs 100 times each day because they are too little to do things like get snacks, drinks, food, and so on. Not to mention the two huge simultaneous projects I’ve just begun. That was dumb–either ONE of them will require full-time work hours. But taking both is my way of insulating us against the possibility of my husband getting laid off as many other people at his company have.

So, my husband is working on the movie “Watchmen.” You see the name, the actors–to me, it doesn’t look all that special. But DANG. Some people obviously think it’s very special because it is for this production that my husband has come home from 1:00 am to 5:30 am (only 2 nights though) over the past month. Maybe more. I’ve lost count.

Some people may say “Holly, it’s time to put your foot down.” But I take a Doormat Stance on this one. That’s an oxymoron that thoroughly explains my viewpoint. My Doormat Stance is: “It’s not time to put my foot down. It’s time for me to hold onto my medical insurance.” So, let him do what he needs to do. If he has a job, I’m happy. Though VERY tired. In summary, I am being a doormat about it, and I am fine with that right now. If the economy were superb, different story.

PS. It’s very important to me that everyone knows that I am not the LEAST bit jealous of the figure on that gal in the Watchmen photo above. Not even in my late stages of pregnancy. I don’t think sarcastic thoughts like “Look at that angular beanpole. Who’d wear a bathing suit with thigh-high leather boots with five inch heels in a FIRE. HA. Shows how smart she is.” I’d never say or think things like this–I’m way too mature.

I had a VERY odd night! FIRST I went to bed at 10:00pm. My friends who read this blog just fainted. I have a big problem with staying up late till 1am or lately even later. But I’ve been working on it. BOOM. Progress.

But then I woke up at 4:00 am. Man, is this what happens when you go to bed at 10:00 pm? Don’t like it.

Then I noticed my husband was STILL not home from work. NO, he is not having an affair. (I know this because I do regular pocket, wallet, and car checks. Just joking. I would never invade my husband’s privacy. Only on Sundays, and only then while he’s in the shower or still asleep.)

Though I NEVER get mad about his late hours, I’m contemplating the possibility. His very long-term unemployment several years ago tramautized me into not caring how long he works for any reason ever, as long as he has a job to work at. But 4:00 am on Saturday? Perhaps it’s time to confront the trauma. (He’s also been working till 1am and later each week night for at least 3 weeks. New responsibilities at work–wants to prove himself.) Hey I get it, but 4:00 am on Saturday??

So, I spoke loudly, “What are you DOING? It’s 4:00 am! It’s SATURDAY!” And then he said he was working (yes, that’s clear), and he’s coming home soon. I kept thinking, “I think we need to set limits.”

But in order for limit-setting to work, the other party has to respond to the limits. See, that doesn’t happen in our house. Oh, I’ve set limits, and taken measures to enforce them. Bigtime measures. You don’t even want to know about them. My standards weren’t always this low, and I used to have lots n lots of energy to set and enforce limits. But my husband is not a “respond to limits” type. He’s not even a “clearly hear or understand limits” type. He’s pretty much limit-proof.

He said he almost has it under control. So I’m going to copy my husband and put this off for a while. Let’s see where we stand on the work hours next Saturday. If 4:00 am, I’m going to start talking strategies. Big ones. Like take the kids and move to Granny’s house. On the East Coast. And uh…uh…too tired to think about it. We’re going to go get ICE CREAM now. I’ll update you soon.

What a delightful article I just saw on Yahoo. It’s called “15 Simple Ways to Keep Your Partner Happy.” It’s written by a man. I thought, won’t it make me chuckle to take a look and just verify for certain that my husband is doing none of them?

Low and behold, not only is he doing none of them, but he’s such a far cry from this list, it actually made me laugh aloud. VERY loud. As in, I think I woke one of the children. (Please no…) So, I’m going to copy the list and add commentary if that’s okay with everyone.

1. Rub her feet instead of asking her if she wants you to rub her feet. Make it look like you want to do it. Right. He rubs my back rarely. Even then, there is a reason, and we all know exactly what that is. That there must be a reason makes the backrub irritating.

2. Make her dinner one night. Don’t ask her if she wants you to make dinner. Make her dinner before she gets home. Mmm, I prefer to eat–I’ll cook.

3. Light a candle so that she arrives home to a nice environment instead of coming home to the glaring lights of the television and other things. This is reminding me of the time he caught the house on fire. I need to move on to #4 very quickly before I get angry.

4. Send her a text in the middle of the day telling her “I miss your smile from this morning” or “Last night was amazing!” or “The conversation we had last night was great.” The closest thing to a romantic text message my husband sends me is an instant message that says dumb stuff like “QUICK, tell me how to spell [insert very easy word]!!!” Or strange Youtube videos that I get quizzed on and in trouble for not watching.

5. Send an eCard in the middle of the day… something cute to remind her how much you really care about her. HA HA! I don’t even get cards for my birthday.

6. If she’s going on a business trip, offer to drive her to the airport or pick her up to make her life that much easier. Hm, well, my husband drives me places and picks me up a lot because I hate driving. So maybe I’m spoiled. HAHAHAHHAHA. (Picking up part= true, spoiled part= funny joke.)

7. Let her have control of the remote control. Don’t monopolize it for a change. Just give it to her and let her actually sit there and enjoying watching one of her shows. Then you can share one of her interests by watching it with her. Share an interest? Watch TV together? Hu?

8. Offer to iron one of her shirts or take her clothes to the dry cleaner. My husband anywhere near an iron, especially an iron near MY clothing, is my worst nightmare. Just thinking about it is making me tense and paranoid.

9. Clean up the bathroom without being asked. Don’t just sit there and ignore the mess around the toilet. If you know it drives her crazy to see water splashed all around the sink, dry that area after you use it. Uh, I’d settle for “Try to pee directly into the toilet.”

10. If you work out together, enjoy it with her instead of rushing through your own workout and then not letting her workout at the same time. I would never choose to work out with my husband, but if forced for any reason, I’d be the one rushing through my workout. He’d completely ignore me, and I’d completely ignore him as well.

11. Take a shower together, then wash her hair, scrub her back, and give her a spa treatment. Do this and enjoy it! If my husband ever tried to do this, I am certain he would injure me.

12. The next time she gives you a massage, give her a massage the next day. Offer it! Don’t just say you’ll give her a massage…do it! See #1.

13. Surprise her by making plans. Tell her, “We’re going out tonight honey.” You can even just go out for a drink or dinner somewhere. It’s taking the initiative that’s important. Please. I’m about to write an entire post about his “plans.” Here were his actual “plans” for last Sunday: Sleep till 3pm. Then try to take family to the beach at 5pm. The beach is a 45 minute drive. I am neither joking nor exaggerating. This was actually the “plan.”

14. Decide on and set aside one night a week as date night. Have a date like when you first started dating. Hm. This could be fun. It will never happen, but if it did, I’m pretty sure it would be fun.

15. Call her in the middle of the day and just say hello. Don’t wait for her to call you. Oh, he calls me like two or three times each day. Usually to ask if I watched the Youtube videos (see #4), but sometimes with strange questions like “What’s my social security number?” (as in his social security number) or “What’s our address?” I know what you’re thinking–it’s his way of saying “I love you.” he he.

PS. Was that as much fun for you as it was for me? I sure hope so.

My husband NEVER emails, calls, or writes to his mother. She lives thousands of miles away. That must be hard. Had she been nice to me, I would love communicating with her. But as you can see from stories 1, 2, and 3, that wasn’t the case.

I find it very odd that she insists on emailing me to ask how her son is doing. I have told her so many times that I am not their go-between. So, when she sends me an Instant Message asking how he’s doing, I ALWAYS answer the same way, “Have you asked him? Just email him” to which she always responds, “No, I am afraid of taking his time.” (Note: She treats her son like precious gold, everyone else on earth like crap.) Oh, but of course, I guess I have PLENTY of time on my hands, despite huge writing projects with strict deadlines, two young boys, and husband’s job which has been 6 days a week from 9 am till 2 or 3 am for the past month or two. Sure.

I totally ignore the emails asking about her son. Then one day, I got this email: “Holly, you do realize, of course, that I need to have contact with my family.” Hm. So, I said something to the effect that her son is family (though I am NOT), and so she should let him know all about this. Her response: “Thank you.” He he. She thinks she pulls at the heart strings. Actually she pulls at the crack-me-up strings.

I do send her updates on the grandchildren from time to time. Occasionally she sends sends sarcastic messages to show me that my updates aren’t sufficient: “Thank you so much, Holly, for that story you told me a month ago about my grandsons. That one story was so interesting. After all, I NEED to know what’s going on in my boys’ lives.” Yeah. Keep talking.

Yesterday at 1:00 am, she writes me asking how her son’s new project is going. As usual I asked, “Did ya email him?” She said, “No. I know he’s busy. I’m so afraid to take his time.” Mhm. I answered that I think he’s fine but I haven’t seen him for about a months as he has been working from about 9am till 2am, so she might get more info if she contacts him. You know what she answered? “You’re kind.” Hm.

No, she’s kind. Don’t you think? Well, that’s all fine because she makes me feel lucky. I am SO lucky that this lady lives thousands of miles from here. I’m also lucky that my husband is working his heart out at work because he’s nervous that people have been let go. He takes such good care of us. Also his outfit matched today and he looked REALLY handsome. See, when it’s 2:30 am, I start getting a little lovey dovey and really thankful for stuff. Also, my boys are the most irresistable kids ever. Why did I get all this good stuff? Have I begun to ramble?

Uh, it’s 2:30 am. I was supposed to be in bed by 11 pm. Why no self-discipline???? Good night.

It’s 1:30am on Friday night. I waited all day for my husband to tell me whether he has to work tomorrow. And Monday. (I can’t make weekend plans without this info.) He has to do stuff for a trailer being released in a week or two, so his schedule is crazy again, but not for long.

My husband IM’d me an hour ago that he’s coming home. So I asked, “Are you working tomorrow???”

His response: “Hm. They were supposed to tell me. But they didn’t. Hey, do you know if I’m supposed to work on Monday?”

I don’t think I need to explain the many things wrong with that response. I should mention that he thinks I might know his Monday schedule because he forwarded me some message a week ago about it. But uh, I don’t read boring stuff like that, so while I noticed Monday was mentioned, I have no idea what the details were. Oh well, he’ll catch on eventually and stop relying on me for his schedule info.

So, in a nutshell, it’s already Saturday, yet I have no idea what we’re doing Saturday. Or Monday. But Sunday, I can plan for, as I know my husband will be home. I plan that my husband will sleep till 3pm then say he’s too tired to do anything. But I’m going to be rebellious. We’re doing something fun on Sunday. And so help me, if I have to use pepperspray to get that man out of bed early, so be it.

But where will we go? I’m thinking Point Dume in Malibu. I heard you can see live starfish there! Um, the fact that Brad Pitt lives kind of close to there and I’m dying to see his house has nothing to do with this idea. Does anyone know a good site with maps of movie star homes? I don’t need it for our fun family trip on Sunday. I’m just asking out of curiosity. Also does anyone know where Owen Wilson’s house in Santa Monica is? NOT because it’s on the way to Malibu, and I want to see it. PLEASE. That would be so immature. No, um. See, I just want to AVOID going near the homes of any movie stars along the way. You know, to respect their privacy. And stuff like that. Thanks.

My husband, the kind, handsome, wonderful man he is, definitely marches to the beat of a different drummer. A very different drummer. A drummer who can be annoying at times due to being so unaware of and forgetful of obvious things, yet still feel thoroughly convinced that he knows so much about everything. Especially health, driving laws, and child-rearing. About once every week or so, he shocks me with some bizarre question or statement. I thought I’d list the 10 examples that come to mind–ALL 100% TRUE.

1) Using a seatbelt is dangerous. Also carseats are dangerous for children. (We have children. He abides by the law, but that doesn’t make me feel much better about either of these statements.)

2) Driving the speed limit on the freeway can be dangerous. Sometimes you have to go faster to be safe.

3) What’s my mother’s area code? (As in, his mother’s area code.)

4) Do you spell our son’s name with a “c” or “k” at the end?

5) How old are you? (As in, how old am I. He has known me almost 11 years.)

6) How many years have we been married? (He would probably be at least two years off if he guessed.)

7) Who is Angelina Jolie? (He rattled off this question in 2005 when she’d been very famous for many years. Also he works in the movie industry and was about to begin working on “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” when he asked this question.)

8 ) You know the Airborne you gave me to stop my cold? I think it infected my kidneys.

9) I can’t apply for another job yet. I still haven’t gotten a response from the last one I applied for 2 weeks ago. (This helps explain why he was unemployed for a very long time during our early married years.)

10) It won’t be hard to have a 3rd child. You’ll be fine. (Of course, as he works 9am to 11pm-ish most days.)

PS. His jokes are even stranger than his quotes and questions. They also cause people to stop and do a double take. You can read about those here and here.)

This might scare you a lot. If it does, imagine how I felt as the mother of this poor boy. (Let me mention beforehand that throughout the month following this “haircut,” my son didn’t know anything was wrong because everyone around him was EXTREMELY nice and attentive. It was a pity thing. They thought my son either had strange parents, was really ill, or something of this nature).

Basically my husband was dying to give my son a CREW CUT and finally talked me into it. I’m not sure why this was so important to him. My husband is not in the military, so that’s not it. I love the crew cut look–that would have been great! However, take a look at the two photos below: 1) son with normal hair, then 2) son with “crew cut.”

I’m not sure why or how this happened, but quick question: DOES THAT LOOK LIKE A CREW CUT TO YOU? What I am sure about, though, is that people (as in STRANGERS) would GASP when they saw my son in public. This lasted for 2 entire weeks. By the third week, the hair began to grow back, but people still gave us pity looks for a long time.

I can also add proudly (hahahah, so funny) that my husband must have learned from this experience because it happened 4 years ago, and he has never mentioned cutting the boys’ hair again. (Oh, and yes, he definitely knew it looked horrible and felt very bad. Had he not realized there was a problem, this site would not exist because I would have done a very quicky type divorce, “you take everything honey, I’ll save the kids” type thing.)

To understand this story, you have to think in terms of the male mind and potential internet searches they might do. Not all men of course, but we’re talking general population here.

SO, when you have young boys as I do, occasionally you see those male tendencies surfacing. Sometimes it’s terrifying. Other times, it’s hilarious.

I realize this is my husband blog and not my children blog (which I also have, oh, and I have others too–you don’t even want to start talking to me about blogs). BUT because of the topic of the last article, I can’t resist sharing this story. Earlier this year, my son (first grader) became interested in doing internet searches. Yeah, I know, you’re already scared of what I’m going to say, and I don’t blame you.

One day he wanted to do a search, plus asked me to leave the room. I enjoyed that. And, being much sneakier than my sweet little first grader, I left the room until I heard him stop tying–then I ran in before any search results could pop up. Well, as it turned out, he didn’t remember to push “enter” (which made finding the topic of his search even simpler than I expected). So, note that this includes his very own first grader spelling, which is deciphered below the photo. Here is what I found:

Can you make that out? Think first grader spelling. Think first grader past-times–playing, drawing, reading, video games, sports. (Spelling deciphered: “how to draw a butt”)

Hi! I have gotten some very interesting emails this week. My personal favorites are the ones where guys are asking about my husband’s job. Nothing about girls or marriage. No, no. Just questions about jobs and money.

Alrighty. I love talking about jobs. In fact, I have the very odd hobby of job searching. I have a full-time writing job (from home). It pays nicely, and I love it immensely. So, I don’t need a job. But I NEED to job search. It’s probably related to filling a dysfunctional void of some sort–kind of like alcoholism, except instead of never getting enough whiskey, I never get enough job searching. (I just reread that, and it frightened me. Oh well.)

Um…yes, this brings me to my story about my husband’s job. OH, it’s related to animation. (Due to that detail, he may force me to remove this post–should this happen, I apologize in advance.)

If you or your husband wants to work in the movie industry–you could be in for a doozy of a time. Let me recommend Gnomon (wierd name, but very high-quality, famous school.). IF you have like $20-30,000 for your husband to attend a program like this, this could be a quick, easy path for you–assuming he’s talented and a go-getter type. We did not. So, if you are like us, here are some possible challenges you could encounter:

1) As your husband learns his trade, he will be on his computer 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and unemployed for at least 3 years. Actually, I suspect this applies to numerous techie job–not just animation. Of course, some men would work in the day learn at night…I’m sure that’s nice for you.

2) Your husband’s going to “need” to buy lots of computer equipment in order to GET projects, and later a job–so this will be around $15,000-20,000 altogether. Not buying the equipment will mean that you’ve survived the 3 years of unemployment for nothing. Again, this pretty much applies to all techie jobs.

3) If you’re like me, you’ll get lucky and live on the East Coast, while all movie jobs are on the West Coast. BUT your husband will get offered contracts, not jobs, meaning you will now get to pay for 2 places, so he can go, but you can stay and maintain your full-time job with benefits in Virginia. (So you would be a single mother to your first child, oh, and pregnant with your second child. Also, you might have horrible morning sickness, not for 3 months like most people, but for 6, while your husband is away). This will last at least 6 months. And it may happen 2-3 times before your husband gets a full-time job.

4) Then you will move to California, quit your job, and never see your husband again because he’ll be working all the time. HAHAhahahaha. (This is a joke, but not so funny.)

5) It’s not over. Now your husband will need to “specialize.” So, get ready for him to go study in Canada at Vancouver Film School for 4 months while you stay in California with your, now 2 children, as a single mom. Oh, don’t expect him to have a valid passport. He might forget to renew it, as he forgets to renew his driver’s license (which he now has 3 of, which is not really legal–but it’s due to living in 8 cities in 9 years). Point being: you might freak out for 4 months while your husband is in Canada studying, as the passport law changes–you will be worried that they will not let him back into the US.

Okay, but it’s not this hard for everyone. It’s also not this easy for everyone. My husband is very talented both artistically and in science, so once he got his first real job, things moved extremely quickly. He has friends who have had the same job for years but want out and can’t find anything.

Finally, he didn’t job search. I job searched. For years, I sent out 10-50 resumes a week, along with demos. Yes, this was very dysfunctional of me. Of course, my husband should have done his own job searching. However, as I mentioned in a prior post, his theory was you apply to ONE job and wait for the answer before applying to the next job. Guess how often companies like Dreamworks answer–NEVER. Unless they want you. That wasn’t the case. Fortunately, it was fine with him to “let” me take over and start sending out stuff like mad. And it worked very well with my job searching..um..hobby.

These things said, this was fuel for our marriage. It was very hard, but at the same time, we are both risk-takers and like setting goals. We are not afraid of tough times and can handle stuff. Now that things have been settled for a few years, life is pretty good. But this is NOT the road for everyone. We have seen a few divorces among friends already due to the work hours alone! Beware of demanding techie jobs…beware.