Husband Clothes

I am thrilled that my husband is finally wearing summer clothes–he hasn’t worn a T-shirt for 9 years of marriage (until this summer, per previous postings). Now he wears T-shirts all the time. Well, he wears ONE T-shirt all the time, despite having purchased oh, 10 or 15 new T-shirts for himself over the past year. But hey, I’m just thankful it’s not the usual sweatshirt or turtle neck he usually wears in the summer. Too embarrassing.

BUT he is wearing the T-shirt with sweatpant like things. They are the thin, somewhat shiny material sweatpants with stripes down the side–I can’t remember the precise term for them, but there is one, and usually people laugh when they say it. But that’s okay. Also, the T-shirt is black, and the sweatpant things are dark blue with white stripes. Why his master’s degree in fine arts didn’t result in better color coordination, I would like to ask. Perhaps someone out there has some ideas?

But after 9 years of looking at these clothing shortcomings, I am pretty sure I am not fooling myself when I say, it doesn’t even bother me anymore. Wanna wear black and blue together? Wanna wear sweatpants in the summer? Oh, somewhat off topic, wanna have a full, very full might I add, beard and shave your head bald as you did today? Also off topic, don’t mind that long hair that is sticking out of your nose? Be my guest. I no longer notice details like these, except perhaps the nose hair. Whatever. He’ll cut it eventually. Fortunately, my husband has beautiful dark, mysterious eyes, a hot jawline, and a very pleasant build–I try to focus on these things.

OH, but back to my story. His dark blue sweatpants somehow ended up with a kid’s white sticker thing stuck to the butt. I pointed out the sticker to him, and he pulled it off. It left a huge patch of semi-transparent white sticker residue. So, in short, there’s a white spot on the butt of these pants.

To make matters worse, these are “the pants of the month” (meaning he wears them each day for about a month). He keeps wearing them every day. I finally reminded him that there’s a white spot on the butt, and it’s really visible.

His response, “Oh I know. No one cares about that.” And then he just keeps wearing the pants. To work, to stores, wherever he wants to go.

I am wearing my husband’s underwear today. I hope that’s ok with everyone. No, I’m not talking boxers–which I don’t wear, but which really wouldn’t warrant a post on a blog–well, unless the boxers had pictures of naked girls on them or something. I’m talking standard Hanes briefs. (Not the small briefs, as I wouldn’t be caught dead in a pair of those, heck no.) Just the regular, standard men’s underwear.

It’s not kinky or me trying to be some kind of sexy tomboy type Hanes model or anything. (And believe me, at these late stages of pregnancy, I don’t think I’d sell TOO many pairs of Hanes to the guys by modeling them anyway…)

It’s because I haven’t done laundry in a very long time. I’m having laundry problems. Very serious ones. So serious that they’ve led me to wear a man’s underwear for the first time in my entire life.

The only other choice was the underwear of my skinny little 6 year-old boy. That just seemed wrong. It also seemed tight.

So, you might want to know how it feels to wear a man’s underwear. (Or if you’re a man, we’ll assume you know how it feels to wear your own underwear, but perhaps you are curious to know how it feels to a woman.) To be honest, it feels very comfortable. There is a nice big waistband. I like that. Mine don’t have that. They have little bitty waistbands so as to prevent lines that show through clothing. Probably this big man waistband is showing through my clothing in a very big way. Ha ha. How attractive–that kind of puts the finishing touch on my whole late-pregnancy, need haircut, man underwear lines showing through maternity clothes look. I can see the envy written all over your face right now.

In addition, they are kind of hot, not as in sexy, but as in too warm. They are made of a thick cottony material. I prefer the thin material mine are made of. Wonder why men’s underwear are so darn thick? Most likely support needs. Yes, that makes sense. Oh well, beggars can’t be choosers. I’m just lucky to have underwear to put on today.

I’m very sorry if this post is a little too graphic for your taste. I will sincerely try to tone it down tomorrow. And will hopefully do laundry between now and then, as the next step is actually wearing my husband’s pants.

I think I’ve mentioned before that my husband refuses to wear summer clothing. Not in the 90 degree heat in Los Angeles in June. Not in the 90 degree heat and 90% humidity in Northern Virginia in July.

Nope. In the middle of June in the blistering Los Angeles heat (well, not now, but usually), everyone else is walking around in T-shirts and tank tops. Then you see my husband in sweatshirts and jeans. Sometimes with a T-shirt and a sweatshirt under that.

Why? I do not know. He is a nice-looking guy. He has nothing to hide under his winter clothing. It is not a religious thing. It is not a feeling cold despite the heat thing. I have no idea why he does this.

I have tried to ask him why, but I never really get an answer. I usually just end up not really thinking much about it. But then one of my friends will ask, “Isn’t your husband HOT in that sweatshirt today??? It’s 95 degrees outside!” Then I become afraid that he might have a heatstroke or something and try to ask why he doesn’t want to wear a T-shirt, and the conversation goes nowhere, and I forget again.

But something happened this summer. He has worn short-sleeved shirts (without the weird sweatshirt under it look that he LOVES) TWICE this summer. I don’t know what to think. It’s like being married to a new man. What will he do next?

You know the spam comments blogs get sometimes? I usually only get spam about insurance, poker, and mortgage loans. I’ve been hoping for more varied spam comments for a while now. Finally, tonight my dream came true. I got the funniest spam comment ever! It was posted as a comment following my post on the pilot jacket. Here it is:

“Hello webmaster Wow what a fantastic article about Doll Clothes! Your keen insight into Doll Clothes is informative and creative. I look forward to reading other articles you have. Thanks.“

I’m so glad this poster liked my article about Doll Clothes. Because I work hard on my posts about Doll Clothes. Especially the one above about the out-of-style pilot jacket–that particular example of Doll Clothes is worn by a life-size Barbie named My Husband (oh, well 10 years ago). hahahahahahahah.

ha ha. When it gets late, my humor gets very unfunny and stupid. But I can’t stop writing because this spam comment is amusing me to no end. But I will stop. For your sake.

GeekySpeaky: Submit Your Site!

Sara’s boyfriend went to a dinner party that was “black tie optional.” Sara couldn’t go with him. This little lucky twist saved her mucho public embarrassment. Guys: PAUSE FOR QUICK QUIZ!

1) “Black tie optional” means _____:

A. The same as “tie optional”–wear a tie, or don’t.
B. Wear a tie, but it doesn’t have to be black.
C. Basically “tuxedo optional”–wear a tuxedo or something formal.

2) When I have no idea what stuff means, I can avoid embarrassing myself by _____:

A. Guessing what it means and making a grand entrance or statement.
B. Ask my best friend what it means. He doesn’t socialize much, but he’s smart.
C. Do a Google search–this is reliable and only takes 5 seconds.

This guy picked options A and A. (Not the correct answers.) Later when Sara asked how the dinner party went, her boyfriend kind of grimaced and said that everyone else was so dressed up. He’d felt very awkward.

Rolling her eyes, she asked, “Well, you DID wear a suit, right?” He’s staring back at her all confused like. No, he reminded her, it was black tie optional, so he chose the option NOT to wear a tie. Or a jacket. He chose the other, more casual “option.”

Stop right here. See, he’s talking about imaginary options. He never checked out the meaning of black tie optional. When we make up or just try to figure out what things mean, rather than looking them up or asking about them, situations can get very sketchy–this includes dating, using instructions to build things, directions, finances, cooking, and of course, fashion. So basically, this guy failed to inquire, and he showed up to a tuxedo formal wear event wearing something like jeans and a button up pajama shirt.

Hey, not everyone knows what phrases like “black tie optional” mean. Many who do still hate getting dressed up. BUT the point is NOT “be classy”–goodness no, by all means, please don’t try that. The point is, don’t always try to guess. Just ASK sometimes. What’s the big darn deal???

I‘d like to share a little about my husband’s behavior while he’s sick. First, he believes you MUST be extremely warm to heal from a cold. Therefore he wears a beanie at all times while sick. That’s correct. This includes during summer, in public, and while he sleeps. He pulls it way down over his eyes. He stays in bed with the covers pulled up to his nose. Oh, he also leaves wads of toilet paper in his nose. Please see the visual I created using a Spiderman doll that looks exactly like husband while sick–except there are no nostrils into which I can stuff toilet paper wads–try to imagine that part:

Does this look frightening to you? My standards are so low at this point that it almost looks normal to me now. I even go out in public with him looking like this in the summer. Sure, it’s embarrassing when people stare, but at those moments, I convincingly pretend to be alone. No one knows. And besides, they walk away so quickly when they see him coming.

Oh, there’s also the way he ACTS when he has a cold. He can’t breath. His head hurts so badly he can’t move–even in dire emergencies, like when something’s burning on the stove downstairs, and one of the kids starts screaming as if injured upstairs. See how one person (me) can’t handle both incidents effectively, but two people could? Too bad. My husband can’t move. He has a COLD (also known as “possible kidney infection”).

I think the most annoying is that when I am sick, of course, he thinks I’m faking it and totally ignores me. I hope I never die while I have a cold, because if I do, I will remain that way unchecked on for quite some time. I find that extremely irritating.

I have heard that many guys have trouble handling colds. It would be very encouraging to hear that they also wear beanies, leave toilet paper up their noses, and ignore their wives’ colds completely. This would mean that my husband is perfectly normal after all.

Anyone out there ever tucked a gray sweatshirt into gray sweatpants? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Wouldn’t be too flattering for the ole figure now, would it? Well, unfortunately for Mickey (the editor for Style Swag magazine), her husband does tuck sweatshirts into sweatpants. And even more unfortunately for her, he does this at important events. Such as the closing on the first apartment they purchased in New York city. In her own words:

“Let me draw you the graphic, gory image: Dark hair, olive complexion (Italian heritage) wearing an ash gray sweatsuit set (Yes, I repeat, the set! Shirt tucked into pants nonetheless). On top of this atrocity, he dons a camel colored sport coat/blazer thing! And just to make sure I never regain use of my retinas, he has the white and navy blue New Balance sneakers on.

Needless to say, everyone wanted to see his ID. They did not believe he was a doctor. My lawyer just hung his head. And for a lawyer to be at a loss for words…Not good.

Why, you ask? Why would a man with an extensive education and strong moral fiber go to such lengths to inflict this type of visual carnage? His reason for wearing the BLAZER was that the sweatsuit didn’t have any pockets. You know, for the important items people need to carry to an important legal event like a closing. (As he explained this, I stood there with my eyes bugging out and my mouth ajar.) So, as if the blazer sweatpant combo wasn’t enough–also the pockets of said blazer had to be stuffed and LUMPY. He looked like a HOBO who’d just shoplifted items from a nearby 711….”

Please do see the wonderful photo I have included for your viewing pleasure. Remember, this model is wearing a T-shirt, not sweatshirt, which would look SO MUCH WORSE. Plus he’s a model for a reason–he looks better than the average Joe in clothes. My point: I think we all know that a real husband in this get up would definitely more closely resemble a snowman stuffed into a blazer than a hot model who’s simply wearing an ugly outfit (as in this photo).

PS. More on Style Swag magazine–I LOVE this–it benefits charities while informing readers about the latest fashion trends, celebrity gossip, and news stories!! It’s linked to Style Station NYC where customers shop (for cosmetics, fashions, etc.) as usual but 10-20% of profits go to CHARITIES. All kinds of them.

Oh, I just realized I accidentally lied. I have said numerous times that my husband literally doesn’t do one household chore. Actually, there is one chore-related type thing he does–he puts his clothes into the laundry basket rather than on the floor, on the bed, or in other places as I have heard that many men do.

See, this is one advantage to having a husband who wears the same outfit up to 10 or more days in a row–clothes on the body don’t go in the floor! YES, he actually does wear the same thing every day, and he has a good job in the movie industry and for some reason, this doesn’t bother anyone.

I’ve learned to see this as kind of a plus, since it saves me so much time that I don’t have to spend doing laundry, not to mention the money we don’t have to shell out on laundry detergent! So what’s the problem? The only problem is what he does to the laundry before it goes into the hamper. Namely his SOCKS. He insists on putting one inside another so that it forms a ball at the top of the socks like so:

Can you guess what happens when you put this into a washer, then into a dryer? Well, I’ll tell you what doesn’t happen. It doesn’t get clean, and it also doesn’t get dry. Obviously, I do sift through the basket to find them before doing laundry. But they just blend in with other stuff. No matter how many times I explain the problem and ask him to STOP DOING THIS, he refuses to stop. Pent up anger? Rebellion? I have no explanation why. (Any therapists out there who know? I won’t be able to come in, but if you can tell me why my husband refuses to stop doing things that are not difficult to stop doing, though stopping them would really help me a lot, I would pay to have you email that info to me. Thanks.)

I am including a photo of the sock ball for you here. One final very odd detail about this sockball: these are MY socks which he wore, and proceeded to shamelessly make into a sockball, which he then threw into the laundry. I wear a size 6 shoe. Do you see how stretched out these socks are? When my husband runs out of clean socks (due to sock balls), he sees no problem in resorting to MY socks.

PS. You can still order a gift for Mother’s Day. I ordered for my mother yesterday from 1800Flowers.com–you can even place an order Sunday for same day delivery. You can place an order in 5 seconds because I’ve linked you to the prettiest but least expensive options in this post.

Hi again. This is the outfit my husband wore last weekend to visit friends. I know the ladies are staring at the screen either feeling really superior to me (because their husbands dress much better than this) or a great deal of relief, thinking “Wow, I used to be so embarrassed by my husband’s clothes, but now I see that it could be so much worse.” I hope guys are thinking “Yeah, those clothes are pretty bad” rather than things like “Hey, where can I get a pair of those?”

In summary:
1) I don’t even know what this style of pants is called. But I do know it shouldn’t be worn anywhere other than a gym.

2) Guys: If you are determined to wear pants like these despite the critical fashion tip you just received, at LEAST be kind enough not to wear them on a DATE–in my marriage, a date includes visiting friends–yes, I’m aware that’s sad.

3) Did you notice the color of the T-shirt? It’s black. It also has a yellow and red logo on it. Black, yellow, and red T-shirts don’t even match themselves. Black T-shirts are nearly always ugly. I know, some guys like to look like rockers–well, I can’t really help those people. I’m just saying, this shirt clashes with its very own self.

4) Why would anyone choose a black T-shirt to wear with blue pants with white stripes? My gosh, my husband is an ARTIST. A REALLY GOOD ONE. He has a master’s degree in fine arts. He learned a LOT about color theory. Doesn’t it seem like that should involve how colors go together???? There’s just no excuse for this.

Despite all appearances (ha ha, good pun), this gray cloud does have a silver lining. For the past 5 years, my husband has only worn winter clothes, including in the summer in Los Angeles when it’s 110 degrees–I’m talking not one T-shirt, not one time–only sweatshirts, sweaters, and the two-shirt trick thing. It’s very bizarre. When we go to stores together, strangers have come up to me and said, “Wow, I bet your husband’s really burning up! Why’s he wearing a sweatshirt in this heat?” ALL OF OUR FRIENDS ask me every time we see them in the summer “Why’s he wearing winter clothes?” To say it confuses people isn’t quite the right wording. It confounds them–kind of like when my husband tries to tell jokes (see an example here). If you have lived in LA in the summer, then you know what I mean.

SO, the upside is that MY HUSBAND WORE SUMMER CLOTHES!!! I am amazed, overjoyed, and not quite sure where this new thing will go. Granted, every day this week, though I think it’s been around 80 degrees, he has worn fleece sweatshirts to work. Hey, let’s see what happens next weekend. Maybe he’ll break out a whole ‘nother T-shirt. I don’t really mind if it’s black, yellow, and red–I mean, I do, but my standards are pretty much rock bottom–anything with short sleeves will do.

Is this not true: during long-term relationships and marriage, men basically maintain the same ideas they always had, except they become more and more convinced of them. Sometimes, this becomes a downhill spiral, and misconceptions can spin totally out of control. For example, a guy believes Misconception #2 below while dating. But then after a long-term relationship or during marriage, this misconception mutates into “I’m amazing. My breath never smells, and I don’t even brush my teeth.” Guys and girls, feel free to add to this list, or to dispute items on it–I will consider any feedback as a learning experience. Also, each item on the list is based on guys who actually exist (several are, of course, based on my husband).

Misconception #1: No one notices if my clothes are wrinkled, as long as they match.

Truth: Everyone notices, and it makes you look lazy. If they don’t match, you look even worse. Need help? Ask your girlfriend or read GQ. Please tell me you know what I mean by “GQ.”

Misconception #2: My breath smells the same no matter what I eat. I know, because I test it by breathing into my hand.

Truth: Please. Research has proven that even people with severe halitosis can’t detect it using their hand. You can either get a professional test or save your money and trust me. You need to chew gum and brush before speaking at close range, especially after eating onions, garlic, and meat. Thanks.

Misconception #3: No one knows how often I shower and shave. My deodorant smells good, and my beard looks like it’s scruffy on purpose.

Truth: EVERYONE knows. When people don’t shower, their faces look slightly dirty yet shiny. I can’t really explain it—but I know it when I see it, and so do all other girls. Unshaven scruffy look? Uh, I realize that was popular at some point in the last few decades, but it’s not popular in this decade. So this whole “on purpose” thing—not fooling anyone.

Misconception #4: I don’t need to adjust my hair this morning! My morning hair looks like I already fixed it because of the matted look that’s in style now.

Truth: I worked with at least five guys who thought this. I can’t even begin to express to you how stupid they looked when they came to work with their morning hair thinking people didn’t know the difference. I still have nightmares about their hair. DUMB. Read closely: The slightly matted look requires wetting, combing, gel, and a little skill—and it has to be totally clean (not dirty, as was with idiot guys I worked with). Also, this look is on its way out, so there’s no reason to be talking about it anyway.

Misconception #5: Lots of people have visible nose hair and ear hair. That’s normal.

Truth: No. Very few people have visible nose and ear hair, and those who do usually get laughed at behind their backs. If you have this issue, consider doing something about it quickly. I am sure your girlfriend or wife will help you research what to do–and she will hurry because this is important. [Update: I couldn’t handle it–I already researched it for you–there’s a link below to ear/nose hair trimmers. Some below $10. Buy one.]

Misconception #6: It’s okay to punch extra holes in my belt, as long as I am careful.

Truth: This is never okay. It looks stupid. Everyone can tell you did it yourself.

Misconception #7: This stain is not at all noticeable, even close up.

Truth: Come on. Stains are clearly visible, and they make you look dirty. Tip: figure out how to clean it, or throw it in the garbage.

Misconception #8: I’m a guy with long hair. It looks cool and sexy.

Truth: When guys have long hair, it is usually damaged and unclean, plus they tend to swing it, which makes them look self-absorbed and insecure. Yes, it is possible for long hair on guys to be cool and sexy, but for this to happen, you need to wash, trim, and brush it often. Do you? If not, your long hair is not the chic magnet you think it is. (Also, ironically, if you actually do these things, you might be too into your hair, which is unattractive for entirely different reasons.)

Misconception #9: Spitting is sometimes necessary to keep my “passages” clear. As long as no one sees (or hears) but my significant other, that’s okay.

Truth: Hold on a minute. Did your doctor tell you this? If not, then let’s not pretend that we know how spitting benefits “passages,” okay? I never do this, and my passages are fine. I think I know where this originates. Baseball players are so sexy that they are able to get away with spitting. Okay. But are you a baseball player? I didn’t think so. Spitting is just gross. Avoid it. If you must spit, at least do so in the bathroom (where you can’t be seen) and avoid making noise.

Misconception #10: I have great tricks for looking thin: 1) wearing a long-sleeved T-shirt under a T-shirt and 2) wearing jeans that are too large and droop down.

Truth: I apologize, but these things make people look fat and unattractive. If you want to look thinner, stick with jeans that stay up—darker shades of denim are more slimming. Avoid T-shirts period—long-sleeves, short sleeves, whatever. T-shirt material sticks to fat–you didn’t know this? All girls know this, which is why many of us are very picky about our T-shirts. If you MUST wear T-shirts, get the ones made of thicker and “stiffer” material–they are more flattering–NOT TOO BIG. Again, go with darker colors, but not black (see below).

Misconception #11: My black heavy metal T-shirts and T-shirts with obscene jokes are so cool. Girls must love them.

Truth: Well, we already discussed T-shirts. A T-shirt is simply not going to turn anyone on. Now, if you like girls who wear heavy metal T-shirts and clothing with obscene things on it, then she’s probably okay with your T’s, but let’s not confuse okay with crazy about them. If you want to try an experiment, get a nice Polo or Ralph Lauren shirt. Put it on. Wet and comb that hair, add a little gel, then shake it out a little. Stick on some nice-fitting dark denim jeans. Now watch your girl’s reaction when she sees you. You will like it, I promise.