But even on his hottest days, he’s still HIM. Part of being him means that he hasn’t done laundry in the entire month he’s been gone. Why? Well, he can’t figure out how to use the laundry card (which cost us $20) in the apartment they stuck him in. Hey–I’ve heard using some laundry cards is as complicated as driving a 747. HA HA. No I haven’t. (Oops, that was quite an unfunny joke–very similar to the kind my husband tells…)

ANYWAY,  not being able to figure out how to use the laundry card is not the end of this story, nor the dumbest part of it.

Like a college student, my husband packed up his dirty laundry and intended to bring it home for me to clean. (This is probably the real reason he visited us, and not because he “missed” us as he claimed.) As I mentioned, he’s been there for a month–so we’re not talking a little laundry. We’re talking, a whole huge bag full.

Did you notice how I said “intended to bring it home”? Yes. So, he says he put the clothes in a white bag right before he drove down. And he filled the car up with gas for the trip. And he bought some snacks for the drive down. And he took out his trash, which was also in a white bag. Isn’t that a funny coincidence?

Well, it certainly is. Because what he did was throw away two white bags–one of them contained trash. The other contained his laundry.

I don’t know about YOU, but after three months of unemployment (for BOTH of us), I can really think of NO better way to spend about $300 than on clothing that my husband threw in the garbage by accident. But that’s all fine. Don’t worry bout me. I love spending hundreds of dollars for no reason. I do. Especially after three months of unemployment. Really, I like all of that a lot.

Take this little get up for instance. Guess where he wore it? Yes, I kind of gave that one away in the title. He wore this outfit, this very one, to a JOB INTERVIEW. I bet anything you just had to reread that sentence to see if there was a hidden joke in there somewhere. There’s no joke. Well, except the outfit itself. AHAHAHAHHA. Good one!

Usually I try to explain why the clothing concerns me. In this case, it’s entirely unnecessary. You see the get up.

HOWEVER, occasionally, I post these photos of perplexing get ups, and a male reader will write to me and say “No offense, but I think that outfit looked fine.” That always alarms me–because the outfits I post on this blog alarm me–but I love getting emails, so I don’t want to discourage anyone from telling me his honest opinion. I will, however, briefly post the points that are horribly wrong about this get up, just in case there is a male reader or two out there tempted to say “Hey, that looks fine.” Because, hey, that really does not, and here’s why:

1. Yellow stripes on black clothing (or vice versa) will make you look like one of two things: a bee or a tiger. I ask you, have you ever once thought to yourself, “Man, all I want is a girl who looks like a bee or a tiger”? If no, then why would you think ladies like that look? We don’t.
2. Shirts with stripes must NEVER be worn with pants that also have stripes (or with any other pattern, as I hope you knew). What if they are the same colors? Then of course you can wear them–to bed, as pajamas.
3. I can’t really express in words how bad it is to wear a shirt and pants that each have stripes in different colors. I’m trying to think of words that can describe how bad this is, but I simply can’t. It’s that bad.
4. On mixing and matching Adidas clothing items, I have one word for ya: GYM. If you’re not walking into one, don’t wear Adidas pants with an Adidas shirt.
5. Okay, sure some places of work have casual dress. But not “Adidas” casual (remember: GYM), and NOT for a job interview. You needn’t wear a suit to a Hollywood studio for an interview. At the same time, you needn’t look like you came to use the stairmaster.
6. Last point: I know it can be hard for some guys to MATCH their clothing. This little rule of thumb may be helpful: never combine 5 different colors in one outfit. Way too risky. In addition, be sure items at least match themselves. Per the outfit pictured, the pants don’t match themselves; the shirt barely matches itself. These two items together=lethal to my corneas. Please don’t wear these colors together.

OH, AND he got a job offer after wearing this thing to his interview. Why is it that when I make fantastic blunders, I have to suffer for them? But when my husband makes them, they don’t bother anyone? I remember, for example, when he was missing a FRONT TOOTH, he had job offers up to his ears. Don’t get it.

I was late and in a TOTAL hurry to get to church this morning with the kids. So we were in this MAD RUSH to get out the door. Suddenly at 10:30am (when we should arrive at church), I realize I have nothing to wear. Only pre-baby stuff that’s like 10 years old. But it still looks nice–I wear only classic styles, so I’m never in style but also never out of style. It’s kind of slick if you think about it.

In a wild fury, I throw open my closet door and think “Do I have ANYTHING black?” (Detail for male readers: Black hides flaws in figures.) Yes, I certainly did, and I grabbed that little number–a skirt and a form-fitting shirt. And it wasn’t wrinkled, even after about 1.5 years of hanging in my closet without being touched. Yipee. I slapped it on and thought “Man, I really should check this out and make sure it looks okay.” Especially since the shirt is form fitting. I mean, I did just have a baby 6 weeks ago. My third one, so body=snaps back into shape less quickly. But I couldn’t check out how it looked, and therefore, I didn’t. I just slapped it on and ran out the door.

Why couldn’t I check out how I looked? Our full length mirror is in my husband’s closet–on the back of one of the doors. And one week ago, I placed two laundry baskets full of clean, but unfolded, clothes in front of those doors, and they are still there, as are all of the clothes in them. Plus, the baby swing is wedged against the laundry baskets–taking a “quick” look at myself would require getting past the baby swing and laundry baskets–I’d pretty much need a bulldozer. Please note in addition that I haven’t looked in the mirror since way, way long before I had the baby. Why would I? But hey, I’ve been exercising a lot, watching the fat and sugar, so hopefully I look okay. Still, I would generally never take it for granted that I look okay in form fitting stuff without visual confirmation. (Do others??? Oh, I mean, I know men do no matter what their size or shape. But do women?)

In a last ditch effort to get quick confirmation that I looked okay, I ran into the kids’ room where my husband was feeding the baby a bottle (which I prepared, of course). He was lying down with his back to the door. I said, “Honey, does this outfit look okay?” He sort of tried to turn his head but could barely see me and said, “I think so. I can’t really see you though.” (Seeing me would have required getting up and turning around.) Goodness, don’t over exert yourself, Honey.

Is it me, or was it EXCEEDINGLY brave of me to dawn a 10 year old (yet still looks new) outfit that’s snug, only 6 weeks after having a baby, and wear this in public without even CHECKING that it looks OK? I have to be honest, I kind of feel like a female superhero right now. 

BUT he is wearing the T-shirt with sweatpant like things. They are the thin, somewhat shiny material sweatpants with stripes down the side–I can’t remember the precise term for them, but there is one, and usually people laugh when they say it. But that’s okay. Also, the T-shirt is black, and the sweatpant things are dark blue with white stripes. Why his master’s degree in fine arts didn’t result in better color coordination, I would like to ask. Perhaps someone out there has some ideas?

But after 9 years of looking at these clothing shortcomings, I am pretty sure I am not fooling myself when I say, it doesn’t even bother me anymore. Wanna wear black and blue together? Wanna wear sweatpants in the summer? Oh, somewhat off topic, wanna have a full, very full might I add, beard and shave your head bald as you did today? Also off topic, don’t mind that long hair that is sticking out of your nose? Be my guest. I no longer notice details like these, except perhaps the nose hair. Whatever. He’ll cut it eventually. Fortunately, my husband has beautiful dark, mysterious eyes, a hot jawline, and a very pleasant build–I try to focus on these things.

OH, but back to my story. His dark blue sweatpants somehow ended up with a kid’s white sticker thing stuck to the butt. I pointed out the sticker to him, and he pulled it off. It left a huge patch of semi-transparent white sticker residue. So, in short, there’s a white spot on the butt of these pants.

To make matters worse, these are “the pants of the month” (meaning he wears them each day for about a month). He keeps wearing them every day. I finally reminded him that there’s a white spot on the butt, and it’s really visible.

His response, “Oh I know. No one cares about that.” And then he just keeps wearing the pants. To work, to stores, wherever he wants to go.

I am wearing my husband’s underwear today. I hope that’s ok with everyone. No, I’m not talking boxers–which I don’t wear, but which really wouldn’t warrant a post on a blog–well, unless the boxers had pictures of naked girls on them or something. I’m talking standard Hanes briefs. (Not the small briefs, as I wouldn’t be caught dead in a pair of those, heck no.) Just the regular, standard men’s underwear.

It’s not kinky or me trying to be some kind of sexy tomboy type Hanes model or anything. (And believe me, at these late stages of pregnancy, I don’t think I’d sell TOO many pairs of Hanes to the guys by modeling them anyway…)

It’s because I haven’t done laundry in a very long time. I’m having laundry problems. Very serious ones. So serious that they’ve led me to wear a man’s underwear for the first time in my entire life.

The only other choice was the underwear of my skinny little 6 year-old boy. That just seemed wrong. It also seemed tight.

So, you might want to know how it feels to wear a man’s underwear. (Or if you’re a man, we’ll assume you know how it feels to wear your own underwear, but perhaps you are curious to know how it feels to a woman.) To be honest, it feels very comfortable. There is a nice big waistband. I like that. Mine don’t have that. They have little bitty waistbands so as to prevent lines that show through clothing. Probably this big man waistband is showing through my clothing in a very big way. Ha ha. How attractive–that kind of puts the finishing touch on my whole late-pregnancy, need haircut, man underwear lines showing through maternity clothes look. I can see the envy written all over your face right now.

In addition, they are kind of hot, not as in sexy, but as in too warm. They are made of a thick cottony material. I prefer the thin material mine are made of. Wonder why men’s underwear are so darn thick? Most likely support needs. Yes, that makes sense. Oh well, beggars can’t be choosers. I’m just lucky to have underwear to put on today.

I’m very sorry if this post is a little too graphic for your taste. I will sincerely try to tone it down tomorrow. And will hopefully do laundry between now and then, as the next step is actually wearing my husband’s pants.