Husband Clothes

Oh, I just realized I accidentally lied. I have said numerous times that my husband literally doesn’t do one household chore. Actually, there is one chore-related type thing he does–he puts his clothes into the laundry basket rather than on the floor, on the bed, or in other places as I have heard that many men do.

See, this is one advantage to having a husband who wears the same outfit up to 10 or more days in a row–clothes on the body don’t go in the floor! YES, he actually does wear the same thing every day, and he has a good job in the movie industry and for some reason, this doesn’t bother anyone.

I’ve learned to see this as kind of a plus, since it saves me so much time that I don’t have to spend doing laundry, not to mention the money we don’t have to shell out on laundry detergent! So what’s the problem? The only problem is what he does to the laundry before it goes into the hamper. Namely his SOCKS. He insists on putting one inside another so that it forms a ball at the top of the socks like so:

Can you guess what happens when you put this into a washer, then into a dryer? Well, I’ll tell you what doesn’t happen. It doesn’t get clean, and it also doesn’t get dry. Obviously, I do sift through the basket to find them before doing laundry. But they just blend in with other stuff. No matter how many times I explain the problem and ask him to STOP DOING THIS, he refuses to stop. Pent up anger? Rebellion? I have no explanation why. (Any therapists out there who know? I won’t be able to come in, but if you can tell me why my husband refuses to stop doing things that are not difficult to stop doing, though stopping them would really help me a lot, I would pay to have you email that info to me. Thanks.)

I am including a photo of the sock ball for you here. One final very odd detail about this sockball: these are MY socks which he wore, and proceeded to shamelessly make into a sockball, which he then threw into the laundry. I wear a size 6 shoe. Do you see how stretched out these socks are? When my husband runs out of clean socks (due to sock balls), he sees no problem in resorting to MY socks.

PS. You can still order a gift for Mother’s Day. I ordered for my mother yesterday from 1800Flowers.com–you can even place an order Sunday for same day delivery. You can place an order in 5 seconds because I’ve linked you to the prettiest but least expensive options in this post.

Hi again. This is the outfit my husband wore last weekend to visit friends. I know the ladies are staring at the screen either feeling really superior to me (because their husbands dress much better than this) or a great deal of relief, thinking “Wow, I used to be so embarrassed by my husband’s clothes, but now I see that it could be so much worse.” I hope guys are thinking “Yeah, those clothes are pretty bad” rather than things like “Hey, where can I get a pair of those?”

In summary:
1) I don’t even know what this style of pants is called. But I do know it shouldn’t be worn anywhere other than a gym.

2) Guys: If you are determined to wear pants like these despite the critical fashion tip you just received, at LEAST be kind enough not to wear them on a DATE–in my marriage, a date includes visiting friends–yes, I’m aware that’s sad.

3) Did you notice the color of the T-shirt? It’s black. It also has a yellow and red logo on it. Black, yellow, and red T-shirts don’t even match themselves. Black T-shirts are nearly always ugly. I know, some guys like to look like rockers–well, I can’t really help those people. I’m just saying, this shirt clashes with its very own self.

4) Why would anyone choose a black T-shirt to wear with blue pants with white stripes? My gosh, my husband is an ARTIST. A REALLY GOOD ONE. He has a master’s degree in fine arts. He learned a LOT about color theory. Doesn’t it seem like that should involve how colors go together???? There’s just no excuse for this.

Despite all appearances (ha ha, good pun), this gray cloud does have a silver lining. For the past 5 years, my husband has only worn winter clothes, including in the summer in Los Angeles when it’s 110 degrees–I’m talking not one T-shirt, not one time–only sweatshirts, sweaters, and the two-shirt trick thing. It’s very bizarre. When we go to stores together, strangers have come up to me and said, “Wow, I bet your husband’s really burning up! Why’s he wearing a sweatshirt in this heat?” ALL OF OUR FRIENDS ask me every time we see them in the summer “Why’s he wearing winter clothes?” To say it confuses people isn’t quite the right wording. It confounds them–kind of like when my husband tries to tell jokes (see an example here). If you have lived in LA in the summer, then you know what I mean.

SO, the upside is that MY HUSBAND WORE SUMMER CLOTHES!!! I am amazed, overjoyed, and not quite sure where this new thing will go. Granted, every day this week, though I think it’s been around 80 degrees, he has worn fleece sweatshirts to work. Hey, let’s see what happens next weekend. Maybe he’ll break out a whole ‘nother T-shirt. I don’t really mind if it’s black, yellow, and red–I mean, I do, but my standards are pretty much rock bottom–anything with short sleeves will do.

Is this not true: during long-term relationships and marriage, men basically maintain the same ideas they always had, except they become more and more convinced of them. Sometimes, this becomes a downhill spiral, and misconceptions can spin totally out of control. For my male readers, I’m going to outline some critical misconceptions. Note to guys: If you believe any of the following statements, don’t even waste time examining the why, how, or any of that–simply take action and make some changes (quickly!):

Misconception #1: No one notices if my clothes are wrinkled, as long as they match.

Truth: Everyone notices, and it makes you look lazy. If they don’t match, you look even worse. Need help? Ask your girlfriend or read GQ. Please tell me you know what I mean by “GQ.”

Misconception #2: My breath smells the same no matter what I eat. I know, because I test it by breathing into my hand.

Truth: Please. Research has proven that even people with severe halitosis can’t detect it using their hand. You can either get a professional test or save your money and trust me. You need to chew gum and brush before speaking at close range, especially after eating onions, garlic, and meat. Thanks.

Misconception #3: No one knows how often I shower and shave. My deodorant smells good, and my beard looks like it’s scruffy on purpose.

Truth: EVERYONE knows. When people don’t shower, their faces look slightly dirty yet shiny. I can’t really explain it—but I know it when I see it, and so do all other girls. Unshaven scruffy look? Uh, I realize that was popular at some point in the last few decades, but it’s not popular in this decade. So this whole “on purpose” thing—not fooling anyone.

Misconception #4: I don’t need to adjust my hair this morning! My morning hair looks like I already fixed it because of the matted look that’s in style now.

Truth: I worked with at least five guys who thought this. I can’t even begin to express to you how stupid they looked when they came to work with their morning hair thinking people didn’t know the difference. I still have nightmares about their hair. DUMB. Read closely: The slightly matted look requires wetting, combing, gel, and a little skill—and it has to be totally clean (not dirty, as was with idiot guys I worked with). Also, this look is on its way out, so there’s no reason to be talking about it anyway.

Misconception #5: Lots of people have visible nose hair and ear hair. That’s normal.

Truth: No. Very few people have visible nose and ear hair, and those who do usually get laughed at behind their backs. If you have this issue, consider doing something about it quickly. I am sure your girlfriend or wife will help you research what to do–and she will hurry because this is important. [Update: I couldn’t handle it–I already researched it for you–there’s a link below to ear/nose hair trimmers. Some below $10. Buy one.]

Misconception #6: It’s okay to punch extra holes in my belt, as long as I am careful.

Truth: This is never okay. It looks stupid. Everyone can tell you did it yourself.

Misconception #7: This stain is not at all noticeable, even close up.

Truth: Come on. Stains are clearly visible, and they make you look dirty. Tip: figure out how to clean it, or throw it in the garbage.

Misconception #8: I’m a guy with long hair. It looks cool and sexy.

Truth: When guys have long hair, it is usually damaged and unclean, plus they tend to swing it, which makes them look self-absorbed and insecure. Yes, it is possible for long hair on guys to be cool and sexy, but for this to happen, you need to wash, trim, and brush it often. Do you? If not, your long hair is not the chic magnet you think it is. (Also, ironically, if you actually do these things, you might be too into your hair, which is unattractive for entirely different reasons.)

Misconception #9: Spitting is sometimes necessary to keep my “passages” clear. As long as no one sees (or hears) but my significant other, that’s okay.

Truth: Hold on a minute. Did your doctor tell you this? If not, then let’s not pretend that we know how spitting benefits “passages,” okay? I never do this, and my passages are fine. I think I know where this originates. Baseball players are so sexy that they are able to get away with spitting. Okay. But are you a baseball player? I didn’t think so. Spitting is just gross. Avoid it. If you must spit, at least do so in the bathroom (where you can’t be seen) and avoid making noise.

Misconception #10: I have great tricks for looking thin: 1) wearing a long-sleeved T-shirt under a T-shirt and 2) wearing jeans that are too large and droop down.

Truth: I apologize, but these things make people look fat and unattractive. If you want to look thinner, stick with jeans that stay up—darker shades of denim are more slimming. Avoid T-shirts period—long-sleeves, short sleeves, whatever. T-shirt material sticks to fat–you didn’t know this? All girls know this, which is why many of us are very picky about our T-shirts. If you MUST wear T-shirts, get the ones made of thicker and “stiffer” material–they are more flattering–NOT TOO BIG. Again, go with darker colors, but not black (see below).

Misconception #11: My black heavy metal T-shirts and T-shirts with obscene jokes are so cool. Girls must love them.

Truth: Well, we already discussed T-shirts. A T-shirt is simply not going to turn anyone on. Now, if you like girls who wear heavy metal T-shirts and clothing with obscene things on it, then she’s probably okay with your T’s, but let’s not confuse okay with crazy about them. If you want to try an experiment, get a nice Polo or Ralph Lauren shirt. Put it on. Wet and comb that hair, add a little gel, then shake it out a little. Stick on some nice-fitting dark denim jeans. Now watch your girl’s reaction when she sees you. You will like it, I promise.

See these pants? They are men’s pants. Do you like them? If you want them, that can easily be arranged. No need to pay–just email me your address, and I’ll mail them. Postage–on me. All you have to do is take a quiz. (You don’t actually have to pass the quiz, as that could diminish my chances of getting rid of these pants. You just need to take the quiz. Any score will be fine.) Fill in the blank. These pants were _______:

a) Worn by a real dancer in the MC Hammer music video “Can’t Touch This” (1990) [Hint: after you take the quiz, see the video via YouTube here.]
b) Worn by astronaut Neil Armstrong during the first human step on the moon in 1969.
c) Worn by courageous firefighters around the world in the 1990’s due to their super flame-resistant properties.
d) Worn by my husband for two years before he thankfully outgrew them.

Okay, so which answer do you think is correct? If you picked d, you are right. And that was a pretty hard quiz (I know, because I was a teacher before becoming a writer). How could you possibly know these aren’t real dancer pants, astronaut pants, or firefighter pants? There are very few visual clues to guide you.

Also, do they not vaguely resemble parachute pants from the early to mid-1980’s? If I recall, there were 2 forms of parachute pants–a) the early version with creases, and b) a later version that was still shiny but sleek, but with no creases. I suspect that these yellow pants may actually be a pair of the “sleek” parachute pants (i.e., later version).

In fact, are there any fashion designers out there who can verify that these are NOT sleek parachute pants from the mid 1980’s? If so, what proof do you have? I don’t mean to sound testy, I would just like to verify for certain whether my husband wore parachute pants to work in the year 2005. If he did, at least I can say that parachute pants don’t wrinkle like his other pants, even after the standard 10 days of wear in a row! WOW.

Finally, a photo of some very questionable, borderline frightening, work attire that does not belong to MY husband. These shoes belong to the husband of one of my very good friends. Take a look at these little treasures:

Come on now. Are you sure these things are shoes? Where could this guy have possibly purchased these? No–don’t tell me. If my husband is in fact spying on my blog, he must not see the name of this store under any circumstances. If you recall, my husband isn’t the best judge of shoes himself (follow the link to get a look at his charming ankle cowboy boots that were never in style or in any way acceptable for public wear).

Oops, my husband has entered the room. Of course, he is checking email on his cell phone and totally oblivious to the fact that I am present. He is facing my computer screen and does not appear at all phased. But I must go nonetheless.

Oh, look for more guest photos tomorrow–boyfriend garbage overflow and husband kitchen help (different girls) . Also, just in case you have this same issue (with husbands and shoes), here is a link to a shoe store with low prices and top name brands. Your guy could probably shop here himself and get something decent–I don’t think they even carry velcro office shoes:

I think my husband might be spying on me! The day after I posted the photo of his brown wrinkled pants (below), he put them in the laundry basket.

Now, perhaps that doesn’t seem like a huge coincidence right off the bat. But he has outright refused to let me (yes, as in ALLOW ME) to wash the pants for 3 WEEKS.

And suddenly, when I make fun of them on my blog, he decides to wash them? Something seems awry. I will keep you posted.

Alright, this one’s a doozy. These are my husband’s favorite pants. Can you tell? They are (as in WERE) good, quality pants–Levi’s, you know, not the type you’d expect to wrinkle like aluminum foil.

But the problem doesn’t lie in the fabric. No, the problem is my husband’s firm belief that pants can be worn 20 times before they are washed. (I will add right now that despite all logic, after 20 wears of pants, my husband does NOT smell. If he did, I would be the first to let you know.) Here is a photo before I go any further:

Moving right along, my husband wears these pants with the florescent green pirate shirt below. He wears this nifty little combo to work at LEAST twice each week. And washes it once every 2 months. Meaning I wash it once every 2 months.

These pants are classified as UNT (Urgently Need to be Trashed). But I would be killed. I think my husband would divorce me 10 times before he’d give these things up. I can be slick sometimes though. So if anyone has any sneaky ideas on “accidents” that could happen to these pants–do let me know. (But they have to be good, as in no “oops, I accidentally ran over your pants with the lawn mower” stories. I’m thinking perhaps our three-year old marks up the pants while I’m “in the bathroom” or something of this nature.)

While I’m at it, do you enjoy the tie things at the bottom? I sure do. My favorite is the tie thing sticking out through the zipper. I am sure those guys come in handy.

Okay, it’s time to show you some new trends that my husband has come up with. This little “shirt trick,” if you will, is classified as UNM (Urgently Needs Modification). But I have been trying to change this new habit, and nothing is working. My husband thinks it’s a work of genius, and he’s not giving it up. See the photo:

Who can identify the obvious problems here? Well, 1) There’s a piratey looking skull on the shirt 2) The skull is florescent green. 3) The shirt is wrinkled as if it’s been crumpled into a ball, yet hanging as if it’s ready to wear to work tomorrow morning–as I am sure it will be.

However, we haven’t even gotten to the trend. This looks like one shirt, doesn’t it? NO, IT IS TWO SHIRTS. My husband must have seen middle school and high school rock-n-roll students wearing heavy metal T-shirts over sweatshirts. And then he decided that this is his new look. He even says that when I ask him to stop: “No, this is my new look.”

In addition, when he takes the shirts off, provided they are still clean (and in my husband’s mind, clothes are ALWAYS clean), he takes them off simultaneously and hangs them up together, just like this.

Astounding. I found this shirt in the closet and thought I’d photograph it for you. I was aghast at what happened when the camera flashed. The thing lit up like a firework! It’s almost as bright as headlights. Wearing this thing outside on a sunny day might be a bad idea. Wearing this thing at all might be a bad idea. Even in a gym. Unless it’s the one where Doctor Spok goes, in which case, he’d fit right in.

The icing on the cake: he wears it with these green pants. Notice the hole in the pants. Notice also the weird tie mechanism these things have–it looks like they are violating themselves. I thought he did this to hide the tie, but he swears they came this way.

In case he’s reading this, I’m going to put a link to a REALLY NICE sports clothing store–Champs. Honey, you can click right on there–all the clothes you find should be great. There’s no clothing, for example, that lights up unexpectedly or violates itself at Champs:

I have a question: What the heck are these things for? No seriously, take a quiz. Answer these questions about the boots in this photo:

1. These “shoes” ______.
a. were purchased and worn by a real person like you and me
b. were rented out by a costume shop as part of a pirate costume
c. are antiques that were worn by real cowboys in the Wild West
d. have real spurs on the back

2. The best way to dispose of them would be to ______.
a. donate them to poor children who don’t have enough money to buy real cowboy boots
b. shove the pointy toes in the gas pipes of coworkers you hate
c. set them on fire while camping with Tonto
d. donate them to a welfare organization for pirates and/or cowboys

Man. I don’t even know how to properly express the grief these m*#$ f**&&ers have caused me. Ankle boots for men should have never been freaking invented. COWBOY ankle boots for men is just evil. Plain evil. These things weigh like 20 pounds. WTF? I keep trying to throw them in the trash, but Weird Husband catches me and grabs them and hides them.

The good news is that he hasn’t worn them for a long time. The bad news is that he was wearing them on our first date, and I missed the cue. The cue to put my foot down and explain that any clothing more than 5 years old, more than 10 pounds heavy, and that even remotely resembles anything that could be worn by cowboys, skinheads, pirates, or be part of a museum display–is simply off limits.

While I am pretty sure that no one reading this blog has a husband who owns a similar pair of boots, I am going to post a link in case anyone else’s guy needs some nice (i.e., acceptable) new shoes. This shoe store never sells crazy stuff–just high-quality name brands at good prices: