Husband Clothes

This man never ceases to amaze me. I say this STILL experiencing husband attention and favors and politeness almost equal to our dating phase. I’m getting lots of special treatment from my husband, above and beyond the norm. We’re talking car doors getting opened for me and stuff. I’m totally happy about this.

Anyway, today, we go to get a bassinet from an acquaintance of mine. The couple’s beautiful, beautiful 10-week old baby BOY is sleeping on a bed beside the bassinet. Their beautiful 7-year old GIRL and her cute 6-year old BROTHER are sitting on a couch watching TV. Let me add that the girl has looooong pigtails in her hair with a pink dress on. The 10-week old baby BOY has a blue onsie on.

So, we’re checking out the bassinet, as I share with the parents about how I have 2, soon to be 3 boys. The mother, my acquaintance, talks about how it is to have 2 boys and 1 girl. We’re talking about how cute the baby boy is. Lots of “boy” and “girl” talk going on. Meanwhile, my husband is checking out the bassinet. Then he made 2 trips to take the bassinet to the car, and we left.

On the way home, my husband asks, “So, is their baby a boy or a girl?” (Remember, the baby was lying RIGHT BESIDE THE BASSINET. In his BLUE OUTFIT.)

I answered his question and didn’t bother to tell him how odd it was that he could have possibly not known the answer himself…

Then he says, “Oh. Were the older kids also boys?”  Clearly, he missed the plain view of the older two children as we walked through the front door AND back out of it–the girl was sitting right by the door watching TV. And he also clearly ignored the entire conversation, brief as it was, the mother and I had as he stood beside us checking out the bassinet.

Interesting, hu? By the way, for me, the even stranger part of this story is that he actually drove us to get a USED bassinet and didn’t complain about it at ALL. In his eyes, used things are simply the work of the devil. Used things must not be touched. Used things must not be used. Especially by children. But see–not a single sly remark, scowl, or pressure to get a new bassinet instead. Nope. I wanted it, we went to get it. It’s puzzling, slightly alarming, but I LIKE it and hope it LASTS.

I strongly recommend that any and all married people read this article called “The Stages of Marriage” at AgeAndHealth.com. The 12 stages of marriage are outlined by Michael Gurian. Notice that this was written in 2005. It’s still worth reading!

This man’s book helped me through a very difficult time in my marriage. It was difficult, I learned from the book, because my husband and I went through a stage called “The Crisis” stage from Day 1 of our marriage! Usually this should be Stage 5. But for us, Stage 5: The Second Crisis occurred alongside Stage 1 and the ohters that followed. Our crisis was that my husband couldn’t find a job for a very long time, and that was hard for me to understand by about week #2 of our marriage:) But it’s all good now, as we are in year 9, AND he has had a really good job for years now.

Oh, see writing at 12:00am. That’s never good. Too many weird tangents. I apologize!

SO, as I was saying, these 12 stages are quite similar to real life, except that some stages will occur out of order. The stage that makes me saddest to read about is Stage 3: Power Struggle. This stage can last for years, and it is the stage during which most people get divorced. The reason it makes me sad is because for some couples, this stage would probably lead to Stage 4: Awakening, except that marriage is so confusing and hard, sometimes that couples don’t know there’s another stage around the bend.

That last paragraph does NOT in any way imply that I think people should avoid divorce. I know a few too many people who’ve been in dangerous or hopeless situations to judge. So, to clarify, the prior paragraph means ‘I get sad when marriage is hard and confusing for people, especially me,’ NOT ‘I get sad when people get divorced.’

Okey Dokey, so this post was a tad on the unfocused side, as I am writing it after 12:00am, which I think is against a rule I set for myself a LONG time ago for this very reason…But hopefully you’ll find the article interesting–and, should you be having a hard time with your spouse–helpful and a source of relief.

Hm. I’m feeling very puzzled and confused. But kind of on a love-my-husband high at the same time. I have very vague memories of my husband’s awesome cooking skills from about 10 years ago during our dating phase. My husband is such a great cook–or should I say “was.” Is cooking like riding a bycicle, and you don’t forget how to do it even after 10 years of not even turning on a stove eye?

Oh, let me not exaggerate. My husband has cooked several times over the last 10 years. But only for himself and on a very rare Saturday for the boys–and this involves nothing more extravagant than a scrambled egg. In fact, I can just say it this way: Over the last 10 years my husband has cooked, but only scrambled eggs, and that very rarely, and NEVER for me.

So what’s Mr. Romantic doing at 11pm as I’m working at my computer bringing me a VERY DELICIOUS OMELET with sliced bread and sliced tomatoes on the side??? He had to walk upstairs to do this. [Right here, new readers please note: Despite how this all sounds, my husband is a very kind man, and I’m a kind lady. We’re both just kind of in the stone ages when it comes to sharing housework.]

And then I, in a very extremely nice voice, was kind of like “Wow. Thanks a lot! Hey, um, are you looking to have um [how can I phrase this on blog]…to do reproductive activities?” Seriously, he looked so surprised. I am sure he only cooked to be kind. But why? Why do husbands suddenly realize they need to be attentive? Does he have a girlfriend telling him he needs to be attentive?

No, definitely not–I did the monthly cell phone-slash-wallet check and *67 (if you do that, the person getting the call can’t see your number on their phone), call all unfamiliar numbers on husband’s cell phone. I found only two unfamiliar numbers, and both people who answered were males–so sorry I hung up on them!!! He he he–can’t really explain how I am checking to be sure they’re not my husband’s girlfriend, especially since they’re obviously his guy friends–boy that’d make BOTH of us look weird, how embarrassing! [One more note for new readers: I’m SO not the jealous type, but when your husband works from 9am till 3-5am for 4-5 weeks, you start feeling that you need to check wallets and cell phones just in case–but see, I only checked once in a month. I could be SO much more diligent. But too busy.]

But back on track: I bet my husband is afraid I’m going to die when I give birth in a month–no, that sounds more like me. No, I say it’s just his great love of babies and that I’m about to have a third one for him. That’s a wonderful trait for a husband to have, but how great to get all this attention lately too! I’m basically in heaven right now, both from good food and good husband.

PS. YES, I DO REALIZE that I am probably too easily pleased. I mean, the first omelet in 10 years could have been husband cooking once or twice a week for 10 years…But how does one force oneself to be NOT happy with something when she’s just thrilled? I could try to repeat over and over, for example, “I will not be happy with first omelet in 10 years. Need husband to cook at least twice a week.” But it won’t work. I’ll still feel really happy about this omelet.

I just had a random memory of a conversation my husband and I had about 10 years ago. We’d been dating maybe 3 months. At that time, my husband was a 2D animator. Those are the artists who draw cartoons like Sponge Bob, the Simpsons, and so on.

I remember us talking about the future, and I said, “You should think about learning 3D animation. You could work on movies like that one called ‘Shrek’ that’s coming out soon.” And his face lit up and looked really enthusiastic.

At that time, my husband knew almost NOTHING about the computer. He even asked me if I knew how to install a program (which I didn’t, though I used a computer at the office every day).

But he got really interested in learning 3D animation and other computer artistic things. And then taught himself all these programs to expert level. It took a very long time. People thought he was CRAZY to think he could master that kind of complex stuff himself, yet advised us not to even dream of spending $30,000 for him to go study how to do it. (And we didn’t, as we were way too dirt poor.)

Anyway, he worked on one of the Shrek movies a few years ago. Wierd, hu?

What a delightful article I just saw on Yahoo. It’s called “15 Simple Ways to Keep Your Partner Happy.” It’s written by a man. I thought, won’t it make me chuckle to take a look and just verify for certain that my husband is doing none of them?

Low and behold, not only is he doing none of them, but he’s such a far cry from this list, it actually made me laugh aloud. VERY loud. As in, I think I woke one of the children. (Please no…) So, I’m going to copy the list and add commentary if that’s okay with everyone.

1. Rub her feet instead of asking her if she wants you to rub her feet. Make it look like you want to do it. Right. He rubs my back rarely. Even then, there is a reason, and we all know exactly what that is. That there must be a reason makes the backrub irritating.

2. Make her dinner one night. Don’t ask her if she wants you to make dinner. Make her dinner before she gets home. Mmm, I prefer to eat–I’ll cook.

3. Light a candle so that she arrives home to a nice environment instead of coming home to the glaring lights of the television and other things. This is reminding me of the time he caught the house on fire. I need to move on to #4 very quickly before I get angry.

4. Send her a text in the middle of the day telling her “I miss your smile from this morning” or “Last night was amazing!” or “The conversation we had last night was great.” The closest thing to a romantic text message my husband sends me is an instant message that says dumb stuff like “QUICK, tell me how to spell [insert very easy word]!!!” Or strange Youtube videos that I get quizzed on and in trouble for not watching.

5. Send an eCard in the middle of the day… something cute to remind her how much you really care about her. HA HA! I don’t even get cards for my birthday.

6. If she’s going on a business trip, offer to drive her to the airport or pick her up to make her life that much easier. Hm, well, my husband drives me places and picks me up a lot because I hate driving. So maybe I’m spoiled. HAHAHAHHAHA. (Picking up part= true, spoiled part= funny joke.)

7. Let her have control of the remote control. Don’t monopolize it for a change. Just give it to her and let her actually sit there and enjoying watching one of her shows. Then you can share one of her interests by watching it with her. Share an interest? Watch TV together? Hu?

8. Offer to iron one of her shirts or take her clothes to the dry cleaner. My husband anywhere near an iron, especially an iron near MY clothing, is my worst nightmare. Just thinking about it is making me tense and paranoid.

9. Clean up the bathroom without being asked. Don’t just sit there and ignore the mess around the toilet. If you know it drives her crazy to see water splashed all around the sink, dry that area after you use it. Uh, I’d settle for “Try to pee directly into the toilet.”

10. If you work out together, enjoy it with her instead of rushing through your own workout and then not letting her workout at the same time. I would never choose to work out with my husband, but if forced for any reason, I’d be the one rushing through my workout. He’d completely ignore me, and I’d completely ignore him as well.

11. Take a shower together, then wash her hair, scrub her back, and give her a spa treatment. Do this and enjoy it! If my husband ever tried to do this, I am certain he would injure me.

12. The next time she gives you a massage, give her a massage the next day. Offer it! Don’t just say you’ll give her a massage…do it! See #1.

13. Surprise her by making plans. Tell her, “We’re going out tonight honey.” You can even just go out for a drink or dinner somewhere. It’s taking the initiative that’s important. Please. I’m about to write an entire post about his “plans.” Here were his actual “plans” for last Sunday: Sleep till 3pm. Then try to take family to the beach at 5pm. The beach is a 45 minute drive. I am neither joking nor exaggerating. This was actually the “plan.”

14. Decide on and set aside one night a week as date night. Have a date like when you first started dating. Hm. This could be fun. It will never happen, but if it did, I’m pretty sure it would be fun.

15. Call her in the middle of the day and just say hello. Don’t wait for her to call you. Oh, he calls me like two or three times each day. Usually to ask if I watched the Youtube videos (see #4), but sometimes with strange questions like “What’s my social security number?” (as in his social security number) or “What’s our address?” I know what you’re thinking–it’s his way of saying “I love you.” he he.

PS. Was that as much fun for you as it was for me? I sure hope so.

Hi again. This is the outfit my husband wore last weekend to visit friends. I know the ladies are staring at the screen either feeling really superior to me (because their husbands dress much better than this) or a great deal of relief, thinking “Wow, I used to be so embarrassed by my husband’s clothes, but now I see that it could be so much worse.” I hope guys are thinking “Yeah, those clothes are pretty bad” rather than things like “Hey, where can I get a pair of those?”

In summary:
1) I don’t even know what this style of pants is called. But I do know it shouldn’t be worn anywhere other than a gym.

2) Guys: If you are determined to wear pants like these despite the critical fashion tip you just received, at LEAST be kind enough not to wear them on a DATE–in my marriage, a date includes visiting friends–yes, I’m aware that’s sad.

3) Did you notice the color of the T-shirt? It’s black. It also has a yellow and red logo on it. Black, yellow, and red T-shirts don’t even match themselves. Black T-shirts are nearly always ugly. I know, some guys like to look like rockers–well, I can’t really help those people. I’m just saying, this shirt clashes with its very own self.

4) Why would anyone choose a black T-shirt to wear with blue pants with white stripes? My gosh, my husband is an ARTIST. A REALLY GOOD ONE. He has a master’s degree in fine arts. He learned a LOT about color theory. Doesn’t it seem like that should involve how colors go together???? There’s just no excuse for this.

Despite all appearances (ha ha, good pun), this gray cloud does have a silver lining. For the past 5 years, my husband has only worn winter clothes, including in the summer in Los Angeles when it’s 110 degrees–I’m talking not one T-shirt, not one time–only sweatshirts, sweaters, and the two-shirt trick thing. It’s very bizarre. When we go to stores together, strangers have come up to me and said, “Wow, I bet your husband’s really burning up! Why’s he wearing a sweatshirt in this heat?” ALL OF OUR FRIENDS ask me every time we see them in the summer “Why’s he wearing winter clothes?” To say it confuses people isn’t quite the right wording. It confounds them–kind of like when my husband tries to tell jokes (see an example here). If you have lived in LA in the summer, then you know what I mean.

SO, the upside is that MY HUSBAND WORE SUMMER CLOTHES!!! I am amazed, overjoyed, and not quite sure where this new thing will go. Granted, every day this week, though I think it’s been around 80 degrees, he has worn fleece sweatshirts to work. Hey, let’s see what happens next weekend. Maybe he’ll break out a whole ‘nother T-shirt. I don’t really mind if it’s black, yellow, and red–I mean, I do, but my standards are pretty much rock bottom–anything with short sleeves will do.

I love these articles that help me learn about the psychology of men, and namely, the psychology of my husband.

This article is scientific in nature. It’s on livescience.com–it doesn’t get much more scientific than that. I am positive this article was NOT supposed to be humorous or funny. However, I was laughing aloud as I read it.

I recommend that you read it: Clueless Guys Can’t Read Women. Then correct me if I’m wrong, here’s basically what the article says:

1) Don’t misread the title. It doesn’t mean “Only some guys are clueless–those guys can’t read women.” The title actually means “All guys are clueless and unable to read women.”

2) If you smile at a guy for any reason, he thinks you’re flirting. Frankly, I find this alarming. Girls smile at guys they feel sorry for, guys they are scared of, even guys they hate–just to make a situation less awkward. So, in summary, I guess this means geeks, psychopaths, and evil ex’s all over the world think girls are flirting with them when really they are just trying to think of a way to escape–the room, the seating arrangement, whatever.

3) Guys mistake friendliness for sexual come-on’s. Great, so, pretend you are a guy, and you need a dollar–say for a drink. If I give you this dollar to avoid thirsting to death, and I give it to you and smile (because I feel sorry for you at this moment)–does this imply I want to have SEX with you? I am assuming the answer is no. But based on this article, I am VERY nervous that the answer might be “yes.”

4) Guys mistake girls’ sexual signals as friendly ones. I love this. In this study, each guy was shown 280 photographs. In the ones that showed a female actually being alluring, most guys reported that she was giving friendly signals. Okay, so, if a girl smiles at a guy, she wants to have sex. If she, say, winks and gives him the sexy eye (not sure what that is, just trying to think of something alluring-sounding), she’s trying to be friends?

5) A common theory on guys’ misinterpretations, one of psychologists apparently, goes like this: due to the fact that men have an inherent, biologically based interest in sex, guys have lower standards for what qualifies as a sexual advance. However, the psychologists who designed this study said, “No, it’s not that guys have lower standards. It’s just that guys really can’t read signals correctly.”

Summary
So, it kind of seems like we’re back to square one here. Guys read women’s signals incorrectly. They interpret friendly signals as sexual ones–so to be sure we don’t tease anyone, girls should be careful about smiling, using nice voices, and generally being friendly. Guys interpret sexual signals as friendly ones. SO, if you are a girl trying to make sexual advances, don’t be surprised if you get invited to partake in a burping contest instead.

I hope you feel as enlightened as I do.

I have mentioned before my odd (and embarrassing) dreams about hot movie stars wanting to date me. Well, now it’s gone to a whole new level. Last night I dreamed that Vladimir Putin wanted to date me. Do I think about Putin in my daily life? Almost never. Do I think he’s hot? Never really thought about it, but now that you mention it, well, he’s not…Hold on, I’m not getting cornered into saying Vladimir Putin is hot. But who cares if he’s hot? That is no excuse to be having dreams about dating a world leader. Having this type of dream definitely means I’m strange, and not in an intriguing, sophisticated type way… That makes me very sad, but there’s really no time to dwell on it right now.

ANYWAY, we went on a date. Strange detail: the date took place in a rundown cafeteria. Do you like Russian stuff? If so, you know that Putin is rumored to be the richest man in all of Europe due to the way he’s handled Russia’s vast oil supplies and Europe’s dependency on it. I don’t think a cafeteria would be his first choice for a date. Probably something more along the lines of a chartered jet to his favorite private little hub in the Swiss Alps. BUT for a date with me, rundown public cafeteria–yet another unhealthy sign of the state of my self-esteem.

So, Putin kept trying to hold my hand, and I didn’t like it. Then he kept trying to ask me on another date, and I kept saying, “Aren’t you married?” But got no answer. It was a very awkward date, and I kept wanting to talk about fun stuff, but Putin was just trying to say smart things and mean things about other world leaders. Also, he did look handsome, but his pants were pulled too high, which was extremely bothersome.

Anyway, the dream ended without closure, and that was it. Of course, while awake, I know the biggest billionaire power mongrel in Europe would sooner spit in my direction than ask me out. I promise if you met me, you would think I’m totally normal, though I do realize that it must seem I am attention-starved, have ego issues, or just am really flaky or just plain stupid.

That said, I would be happy to hear word from any counselors, neurologists, or dream experts who can heal me. Thanks.

PS. If you do enjoy keeping up with Russian headlines or any headlines for that matter, you may have heard of Kindle–if no, click here to learn more. It’s a portable electronic device that stores all kinds of subscriptions to newspapers, magazines, etc.

Funny dating flashback. I was thinking about when my husband and I were DATING!!!! There was nearly no sign of normalcy in this man whatsoever. Why then did I want to date him? That’s a very insightful question. See, I was quite normal. In fact, I was the girl at the office that guys wanted to go out with, including the hot director–sorry if that’s bragging–but it’s important background, because had I been desperate–of course I’d date a guy who seemed abnormal! But the irony is, the guys who seemed normal were actually jerks!!! Here’s a brief list of those–then a description of my husband in comparison:

1) Cheap guy. He was so nice, smart, funny, and SO handsome, knew 3 languages fluently, and had backpacked all over Europe after college–I loved talking to this guy, darn it. But on our first (and last) lunch date, when the waitress brought the $10 lunch bill, he looked up, saw I wasn’t reaching for my purse. Okay his salary was three times mine. So he said “Oh, you can treat me next time.” Uuuhhhh, no I can’t. Good BYE, cheap guy.

2) Totally rude guy. Even better. He was also was really nice, cute, smart, or so I thought. He had a good job, nice house, nice car (all three of which he talked about WAY too often)…Still, I liked him a lot till our date. Then suddenly, we discussed the death penalty and I said I can kind of see both views but tend to lean toward no in most cases. Hey, you feel differently, that’s fine. But did he HAVE to say that all executions should be televised? Also, this guy noticed the cute waitress’ name and used it when speaking with her. Finally, for some reason we talked about strip joints, and I mentioned that I am not a fan. He explained to me that this is the BEST place for a husband to be because at least you know where he is. Sure thing. And I no longer need to ever know where you are again. BYE forever, Rude Guy.

3) Sex Maniac Guy. No need to talk about this guy long, but the basics–we never went out. He was a really good-looking stock broker who would ask me out but ALWAYS mention his apartment as part of the date. That was a very good reason to never see his apartment or go out on a date with him. BYE bye, Sex Maniac Guy.

4) Millionaire Your Dad Was a Congressman and therefore You Need Serious Therapy Guy. This guy was something else. He was from a family of millionaires, literally, founders of a huge corporation you have heard of–apparently this gave him some kind of atrocious complex. The guy had no job, smoked pot all the time, dressed really sloppily, and got really irritated when people dressed nice and didn’t smoke pot (which included me). So, because most of this stuff remained hidden during our first date, we made it to date #2, which was VERY short. He explained that he was NOT going to stop smoking pot, and I could no longer date other people. Uh ok, I didn’t ask you about either topic. People care too much about your money and pot, hu? Not this girl. BYE Therapy Guy.

Well, the opposite happened with my husband. When I met him, I found him very puzzling but DID want to learn more. He wore those cowboy ankle boots. He did wear a very nice outfit–but the same one each time I saw him. He was totally bald. Oh, here’s a good one–he had no phone and got a pager so we could communicate. I kid you not, he would page HIMSELF at payphones. Yes, I should have stopped dating him–as that was kind of psycho. So these bad signs did alarm me, but they didn’t stop me.

The reason is that he was and is easy to love despite his many…uh freakish traits oddities. This guy is a real man. He is kind, genuine, and totally balanced. He knows how to deal with people, including me. Gentle, but solid as a rock. Also, he doesn’t get upset by ego maniacs, control freaks, or mean people. Nope. No one phases him–but also, around him, they are nicer than around others. I think it has something to do with the fact that he has no need to react to them, so their defenses go down… Rare guy here. Both in frightening and admirable ways.

Despite his frequent displays of annoying behavior, I would never, ever cheat on my husband.

I don’t approve of or wnat this to happen, but I have occasionally felt attracted to guys, including one named Salvador. It was the kind of thing where you are attracted to someone, and therefore you stay as far away from him as possible because you’re married. Not DEAD, however, so sometimes there’s chemistry with people–it’s not my fault. You will know if I feel chemistry with you, because I will refuse to speak with you or look at you. It may seem extreme–but it’s for the best. Bye bye. Just joking.

Well, Salvador and I never said goodbye. Come to think of it, we never said hello (due to our chemistry. Hahaha–good one.) There was never any contact, and very few words between us. So, I haven’t seen him in almost 3 years. Occasionally I will have a memory about him. Or even better a dream. I still haven’t managed to kiss him in a dream, but last night, it began to seem I was making a little progress.

I was visiting this house in Central America. In this big hallway, there was a book. Kind of like a register that you sign at a wedding. And for some reason, I was looking at it. I noticed these oddly scribbled shapes here and there that looked kind of like the number 4. For whatever reason, Salvador was on my mind. Maybe I was in the town he was from.

As it turned out, these number 4 symbol things were messages to me from him! I was so excited to learn this. He was trying to leave me messages to tell me that he knew I was in town, and he was too. He wanted to meet me to tell me something really important. I’m not sure how it all came together, but we met. And he looked soooo handsome. He told me he had really missed me and he was happy to see me. We talked and felt really excited to be together. But something was wrong…He tried to prepare me for some big secret. He said stuff like “Hey, now don’t get mad…I should have told you this a long time ago… Okay, I’m going to tell you but please don’t hate me..”

But it still came as a total shock…I had no idea what was coming…And finally he said it. He told me that we had a daughter together! I was so amazed. But happy. Wow! I have a daughter with Salvador! Has he been raising her here in El Salvador? Are we married? She’s already 3? How odd it must have been for me to give birth to a child without even realizing it. How odd that I would abandon the child in El Salvador.

It was so dumb, even for a dream. Why would Salvador write symbols that looked like the number 4 rather than calling me? How could I be lucky enough to have a romantic interlude with Salvador and FORGET that it happened? And having a daughter but not knowing it…A little too out of the box. I also find it frustrating that despite all this, we still didn’t kiss in the dream. Oh well.