My Aunt Kay used to be glamorous and beautiful. Now, she is still extremely beautiful on the inside, but on the outside, she looks exactly like Eric Clapton. See the photo of Eric Clapton above? She looks exactly like that. Except that she wears dark maroon lipstick. (Also, in case you’ve never noticed, Eric Clapton kind of looks like a skinny Al Gore. Therefore, Aunt Kay also resembles Al Gore. But don’t worry–she’s much “prettier”than Gore.) Oh, she also talks like Al Gore because she’s from Tennessee. So, imagine Eric Clapton talking like Al Gore and wearing dark lipstick and high heels–that’s my Aunt Kay.

Despite her near carbon copy resemblance to Eric Clapton and Al Gore, in the late 1950’s, my Aunt Kay was the most beautiful, glamorous young lady you could possibly imagine. She pretty much looked like a gorgeous human cat with a tight ponytail, slim but curvy figure, and Katie Couric legs balanced on stiletto heels any time she had a good reason to dress up. She was and is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. She also smoked for 20 years and her husband, My Uncle Buddy, never knew it. Or so she claims. Do you think he really knew? I’m not sure. But she had an x-ray with a spot in one of her lungs–don’t worry, it turned out to be nothing–then she stopped smoking. Aunt Kay is gentle and kind, but she has a will of steel. She was very innocent, sweet, and pious–and she still is.

But I’m getting off track. I wanted to tell you the story of how they met because it reminds me soooo much of something my husband would do.

My Uncle Buddy was also a knockout when he was young and isn’t so bad looking these days either, despite a large belly and being sort of elderly…one of those Sean Connery types–age cannot and will not stop his handsomeness.  He’s also very smart and very rich–that’s not really important, except it’s kind of cute because he was totally poor when he met Aunt Kay, and so was she.

He was a student studying at a college near the town where she lived. The topic of his interest was bugs. He was studying something about Japanese beetles. There were a lot of Japanese Beetles at my Aunt Eileen’s house. Kay helped Eileen with chores, so she was over there often. (Are you asking yourself how Uncle Buddy became rich by studying Japanese beetles? He didn’t. He became an attorney, in house counsel for a big corporation. I have no idea why he was studying beetles. I should ask.)

Well, Buddy had to set up a contraption that involved lots of wires. The wires didn’t cause an eyesore because they were very difficult to see and about 10 inches off the ground. He got permission from Eileen tostring the wire around her flower garden.

So, one day after work, Aunt Kay went to water the flowers. She didn’t see the wire, of course, as Buddy had cleverly made it difficult to see (as my husband might do). Therefore, Aunt Kay tripped over one of the wires and broke her ankle.

She was extremely angry about this when they met the first time shortly after. But then they started dating. Later, they got married. They were poor because he was a student for a long time. My grandmother sewed Kay’s wedding dress. Kay was the most beautiful bride I have ever seen in my life–well, I wasn’t there of course, but I have seen the photographs. And now, my Uncle Buddy is still very in love with her, and she is still very much in love with him…

Flashback to the year 1997. I was sitting at my Dad’s  kitchen table, reading coffee, reading the classified section. Background: I had moved in with my Dad about 2 months prior to this, upon returning after living and working for three years in Moscow, Russia. (One day I should post about that. Wild times. Anyway, my Dad wanted me to get a good job in the US–rather than going to another country to live, which I almost did, long story–so he let me stay there for free. And my Stepmom did too. So kind.)

Anyway, I’d never lived in the area where my Dad lives. So things felt lonely. The only people I could potentially do things with were coworkers (nearly all of my coworkers were guys) who asked me to go to lunch or happy hour, or acquaintances from college who lived in town. There was no way I was going to go to happy hour with male coworkers. I did that in Moscow and caused HUGE issues. I later learned that to many Russian males, happy hour, dinner, or even lunch qualifies as a DATE. So apparently, I DATED about 5 coworkers simultaneously. SO SORRY I didn’t realize that.

Anyway, due to loneliness when back in the US, I loved looking through the classified section of the Saturday newspaper. I especially loved looking for Russian jobs and cultural activities. It listed all of the activities going on in town over the weekend–cultural activities (my favorite), hobby-related things, live bands and where they were scheduled to play, and so on. Of course, I never went to any–no one to go with.

Well, one morning I saw an ad about a “Russian festival.” Basically it was a Russian cultural event–a little gathering where people could buy Russian food, Russian books, Russian CD’s, and so on. I really wanted to go–but no one to go with…Then, out of the blue, one of my acquaintances called me and invited me to go with her to that very Russian festival. That worked out nicely.

At this point, you may be thinking that I am really pathetic to have flashbacks about classified ads. But wait–there’s more to this ad than meets the eye!!!

So this girl and I go to the event. We sat at a random table to eat lunch. There was this somewhat psycho guy talking to us. He was asking me where I went to church, and then, kept insisting that I should attend church regularly–that was kind of alarming. Also awkward was the fact that I sat right beside a cute guy. I kept feeling like he might think I sat there in order to meet him, but really it was because there were no other seats.

I kept wondering if the cute guy noticed that the psycho guy was lecturing me about church. And, if so, what kind of impression this made on him. I later learned all kinds of things about both the psycho guy and the cute guy. Guess why. That’s because the cute guy ended up being my husband. And after that festival, times were no longer lonely. (But hard in many other ways, and wonderful in many ways.)

PS. My husband isn’t Russian. I wish I could tell you what country he’s from, but it’s so small that if ONE person from there saw this blog, everyone in the entire country would immediately learn about it through the grapevine, including my mother-in-law. It would not behoove my marriage for her to see my stories about her–though they are all her own wicked fault.

In our first three or four years of marriage, I kept learning about “life strategies” my husband used, and uses, to deal with a variety of situations. Some of these strategies HORRIFIED me. The really odd thing is that the more time that went by, the more I learned from the way my husband does things–even though I don’t always agree with his approach.

I thought I’d share one of these strategies with you. It may ring a bell for some of you. I’m going to write this from my husband’s perspective. Pretend he’s reading or speaking the next paragraph. Then I’ll tell you what I’ve learned from this highly annoying strategy and why I now use it regularly.

#1 Husband Strategy of All Time: Say, “I will do it later” to avoid anything for any reason. Even when you have said this 100 times (when, for example, your wife has asked you to mow for the past 100 days), feel free to say it again when asked to do “the task.” Sure, it will infuriate the person asking you to do the task at hand. But pleasing people isn’t the objective. And thank heaven for that. Also, remember that the word “later” isn’t specific–so don’t go making it something it’s not by tacking a day or time to the end of your statement. Keep it straight and to the point: “I’ll do it later.”

What I have learned: I used to be Miss Do EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW and Miss Do EVERY FAVOR ANYONE ASKS me for. By observing my husband, I learned that this is much too stressful. Now my motto is pretty much “I’ll do it later.” Oh don’t get me wrong–I help people who need help. But not when I can’t. Also, not for moocher types, and not for people who are mean or unappreciative, no matter how close a “friend” or relative.  Oh, I don’t have a problem just saying “no” either, but in some cases, “I’ll do it later” is preferable. (Prime example: When my mother-in-law says, “Come visit me,” it’s really better to say “I’ll do it later” than “No, we’re not going to visit you because when we do, you ruin my life.”) The person asking the favor ALWAYS stops asking at some point–so it’s definitely a win/win situation.

Oh, and you know who gets this response from me more than anyone else in the world–my husband! Pretty much all we ever say now is “Can you help me?” or “I’ll do it later.” But somehow it works out–probably because we  both strongly stand by this strategy. We’re united in not doing things right now.

He and I got our driver’s licenses and our first car ever together shortly after getting married. Looking back, I can’t believe our relationship lasted beyond the driver’s license ordeal. It cost us something like $200 in cab rides to DMV. I honestly am ashamed to tell you the number of trips we had to make for all of my husband’s failed trips, but I am going to estimate 5. Let’s do the math on that one–it means he failed the test about 4 times and finally passed it the last time.

The reason is that he INSISTED that he didn’t need to study for the test. After all, he was given driving lessons by CARLOS. May I mention that Carlos, while kind and a good driver, didn’t have the strongest English language skills–nor did my husband. Worry not–they followed the driving laws. But clearly Carlos wasn’t able to impart all of the information my husband needed to pass the test.

But, you might wonder, after Holly’s husband failed the test the first time, THEN didn’t he feel he needed to study? The answer is no. He felt the test was “wierd” and that questions were worded “in a confusing way.” How about the third time? Wouldn’t have have realized after failing the driving test twice that he should now study? NOPE. After the third test, he kept repeating something like: “I’ve now answered questions incorrectly so many times that I’ll definitely know the right answer when I see it this time.”

We kept going to the DMV over and over and over. And since we didn’t have a car (because no licenses), we had to take taxis. It got very annoying–and expensive. Finally, after he failed like the 4th time, I think I was ready to leave him. Sorry, but I simply could not be married to a man who can’t pass a driving test after seemingly endless attempts, PLUS somehow neglects to STUDY for the test despite undeniable proof that he desperately needs to.

How did this nightmare end? We studied together for about 30 minutes. I asked him questions, and gave him multiple choice answers worded exactly as they are in the book. I repeated each question till he got the answer right. The next day he passed the test. The irony? Now my husband’s driving is very good, and mine is very bad. And my car is all crashed up, but his car is not. The mysteries of life, marriage, and change…

This man’s book helped me through a very difficult time in my marriage. It was difficult, I learned from the book, because my husband and I went through a stage called “The Crisis” stage from Day 1 of our marriage! Usually this should be Stage 5. But for us, Stage 5: The Second Crisis occurred alongside Stage 1 and the ohters that followed. Our crisis was that my husband couldn’t find a job for a very long time, and that was hard for me to understand by about week #2 of our marriage:) But it’s all good now, as we are in year 9, AND he has had a really good job for years now.

Oh, see writing at 12:00am. That’s never good. Too many weird tangents. I apologize!

SO, as I was saying, these 12 stages are quite similar to real life, except that some stages will occur out of order. The stage that makes me saddest to read about is Stage 3: Power Struggle. This stage can last for years, and it is the stage during which most people get divorced. The reason it makes me sad is because for some couples, this stage would probably lead to Stage 4: Awakening, except that marriage is so confusing and hard, sometimes that couples don’t know there’s another stage around the bend.

That last paragraph does NOT in any way imply that I think people should avoid divorce. I know a few too many people who’ve been in dangerous or hopeless situations to judge. So, to clarify, the prior paragraph means ‘I get sad when marriage is hard and confusing for people, especially me,’ NOT ‘I get sad when people get divorced.’

Okey Dokey, so this post was a tad on the unfocused side, as I am writing it after 12:00am, which I think is against a rule I set for myself a LONG time ago for this very reason…But hopefully you’ll find the article interesting–and, should you be having a hard time with your spouse–helpful and a source of relief.