Husband Clothes

Yesterday, my friend saw the post about my husband’s hanger trick, and suddenly it hit me that I never told her about it. When she mentioned the hanger, I had a flashback to the time period when she and I met. At that time, life was much too serious to ever talk or think about the trivial stuff I do now–hangers, wrinkled clothing, chipped teeth–oh, sorry, I did talk about chipped teeth, as we had this problem even then…So, some people have much more serious difficulties to deal with. I realize this, since I was one of them.

Anyway, it kind of made me sad thinking about people having a really hard time in marriage. …I don’t have much advice (not that you’d want it anyway, after reading about what I put up with). BUT, I can tell you two things that helped me gain some understanding that made the rocky times a little easier:

1) The book “What Could He Be Thinking?” by Michael Gurian–he is a psychologist who did decades of research on men’s brains. He describes the stages during marriage and really grounded info about men and how they operate in a marriage. It’s NOT a book that makes excuses–it just tells what and why. Very, very, very helpful. For me, it really helped me understand how a man’s job can influence his behavior and why my husband acted so mean all the time.

2) Movies like “Cinderella Man” (misleading title–this is about a strong, wonderful man who in no way acts like Cinderella). When I had a hard time, my friends were all happy, had plenty of money, and their husbands were so nice to them. Movies reminded me that some people have it worse than me. The BEST one of all time–”Cinderella Man” with Russel Crowe. Hard times like crazy, but also strength of the soul. On a lighter note, “Click” with Adam Sandler–teaches you not to hurry too much, even in times of stress. (In case you’re interested in getting either, I’m putting a search bar here so you can search for the right DVD format for your TV.)

3) If you find books and movies about relationships helpful, there are many more in the Husband Clothes giftstore here. Look at the links to the left called “Books About Relationships” (duh) and “Movies.” Choices include only relationship books that get top reviews. The movies all show many different types of relationships and partners–criminal partners, partners who can’t read (a VERY good movie, by the way, called “Stan and Iris” with Robert De Niro), partners who can’t speak English, others with obsessive compulsive disorder (another great one–”As Good As It Gets.” FUUUUNNNY!).

Oh my gosh. I just saw through the news that 22,000 more people are jobless. It’s so hard when the husband/live-in beau has no job. (But fun when I don’t have one…sorry if that sounds catty, but I have earned the right to say it. Also, I currently do have a job, actually 3 of them–but more on girls and jobs at another time.)

I remember well the days when my husband was applying for jobs, never getting them, and then failing when he finally did. [Update: he did finally succeed and now does very well in the movie industry—but who knows about tomorrow—don’t worry about us, thanks to my husband, we experienced poverty and could certainly overcome it again.]

Anyway, I thought I’d write a lil’ “How Not To” based on his early job experiences and, more often than not, unemployment. Guys: if your family is desperately in need of you getting a job, don’t do these things:

1. Do NOT find a job that does not pay sick days and take one day off each week because you “don’t feel good” or you “are sure the boss doesn’t mind.” (Note: especially do not do this if you are getting only $7 per hour. Your honey can probably accept a low salary, but not the weekly day off that makes the salary even lower, k?)
2. Do NOT apply for a job and feel that you need to “hear the results” before applying to the next job. Note that when you don’t get results soon, that usually means that the result is “no.” So waiting simply means you will be out of a job much, much longer than your wife or girlfriend can put up with you.
3. Do NOT show up to interviews 2 hours late. If you do, do not accidentally spill your Mountain Dew all over the receptionist’s desk while she stares at you like you are a freak.
4. Do NOT show up to a job, try to show them something you “know how to do” on the computer, and freeze their entire network. (Yes, my husband did this.)
5. Do NOT ask for $50,000 salary when the job is worth $30,000. In fact, for all of you newbie’s out there, PLEASE don’t ask for a salary—really. Tell them to give you a range, and pick the middle number. Or, if you’re super desperate, pick a lower number in the range—but not the bottom one.
6. Do NOT assume that, because “in your opinion” it’s better to wear casual clothes, the place where you have your interview will find that admirable. They will not. They will think you have been living in a cave because everyone knows you wear a suit to an interview. (Well, not in the movie industry–I have to give him this one.)
7. Do NOT say that you will wear a suit, but that a tie is “taking it too far.” A suit without a tie is like a car without wheels. Trust me—it will make you look dumb and will get you nowhere.
8. Don’t wear damn white socks to an interview. I can’t even get into this topic again without getting annoyed. Listen to your girlfriend on this one. Read GQ. Please tell me that you at least know what GQ is—if not, ask your girlfriend. (And be really thankful that you managed to get a girlfriend.)
9. DO look darn busy at home while you are unemployed. Try to be out of the house looking for jobs a lot. Do NOT be like my husband was–sleeping most of the time, sitting around the house, getting crumbs everwhere due to continous snacking (hey, he had nothing else to do), and be playing Nintendo when your lady gets home from work. Hey, fix freaking dinner sometimes please. You may not have a job, but your wife does, and it’s annoying to come home and cook for your butt when you’re sitting around cruising the Internet. Use your brain.
10. When you are offered your first job in a long time, DO take it. Don’t turn that crap down thinking you’re going to wait for something better–like my husband did. Take that job, then quit when you get the better one.
11. Oh, oops, did I start sounding bitter? My, my, well try being a teacher for 5 years (and going to graduate school) while your husband “learns 3D animation,” and doesn’t ever have a full-time job OR benefits, and you’ll understand:)
12. For anyone who is too sad to think this post is at all amusing, I am sure there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If my husband found it, BELIEVE me, anyone can.

Well, today we’re going to delve into the excruciating topic of my mother-in-law. She is from another country. This means that she lives THOUSANDS of miles away–and I like it. Here are a few reasons I say that:

1) To meet her for the first time, I had to pay thousands of dollars for her airline ticket and spend months communicating with the State Department to get her a visa. (Remember, my husband didn’t always have a great job in the film industry. For a few years, including that one, he was unemployed.) Now read how she thanked me.

2) During our first day together, she asked me how many men I had sex with before marrying her son. My response was a very freaked out facial expression. Her response to this was “Oh, so you must not have been a virgin. Well, in my country, that means you are basically a prostitute.” Sound fun so far? Then for the rest of the trip, she proceeded to treat me like a lowly, low-class citizen and make me feel ashamed of being a prostitute. Notice: I didn’t answer her question. Perhaps I WAS a virgin but feel it’s none of her darn business. Perhaps not. She’ll never know.

3) Because it is so hard to find jobs in their country, we sent her and my father-in-law $100-200 each month (before “the visit”). Granted, a small amount, but we were struggling to pay our own rent. Remember, my husband had no job. At one point during ‘the visit’, I said something like “I am sorry it’s so hard there. At least we can help a little.” She looked at me with raised eyebrows and said, “That? Oh, that money has been barely even enough to renovate our balcony.” Don’t worry–the help stopped immediately.

4. Mom’s out there, you’ll love this one: I was nursing my son at that time and couldn’t produce enough milk even after 5 weeks. So the doctor told me to give him a little bit of formula each day, but only ONE TIME so as to keep him needing my milk. My mom-in-law was constantly dying to feed my son formula, but I refused to let her. (She was disgusted with me and claimed I was starving him). So, at night when he cried, she would rush into our room (YES, our BEDROOM), take the baby before I woke up, and feed him formula. It ruined all the efforts I’d made to nurse.

5. She purposely calls my sons “her” boys. As in, she says things like “Oh, I miss my boys so much.” Once she even added, “because they’re mine too you know.” I severed communication with her for 7 months the last time she did that. This means total cut-off from family, since my husband never calls (as in 3 times in 9 years). I like it.

Oh, and why even talk about her? Because now she is bringing up the topic of dual citizenship for my sons–which to me, means two things: dual military and dual tax obligations. I already explained that this is an issue for PARENTS and that it’s not happening. Yet she continues to bring it up. I guess we’ll go from barely ever communicating to NEVER. Can’t wait.

Now, if you saw my husband, you’d think “normal guy, normal teeth” (or if you’re me, “hot guy, normal teeth.”) However, his teeth problems and hesitance to visit dentists have nearly lead us to divorce and devastated me emotionally time after time.

BUT fortunately for me, after 9 years of marriage, we’ve come a long way in the world of teeth.

The difference perhaps between my husband and yours is that when my husband breaks or LOSES a FRONT TOOTH, he refuses to get it fixed/replaced for about a year. Why? Because you dummy, the dentist will mess it up and make it worse. (How you can make a hole where your front tooth should be WORSE? I am not sure–you’ll have to ask my husband.)

So now he has a chipped tooth, one of the two front teeth (the 3rd dxxx problem with a front freaking tooth). For two months, he refused to go to the dentist. Finally, I threatened to do mean things to him, and I scheduled a dentist appointment for him, and he promised to go. He showed up 15 minutes late, and they wouldn’t see him (too many other patients). Then he refused to go to another. This means he has now had a front chipped tooth for 3 months. He couldn’t care less. He thinks it’s totally unobvious, yet everyone notices it.

It’s very embarrassing. I don’t want to go out in public with him. I don’t want to kiss him. I love him, but his chipped tooth is ruining my life and making me very sad.

Well, I must admit, I sure have missed my husband this week. He’s living in our new place in Northern California, and we are following him there soon. Because this blog was created solely for the purpose of me to complain about annoying habits, I don’t often mention how handsome and unbelievably sweet my husband is. Despite the annoying habits, clothes, decisions, ideas, handy work, and so on described in this blog, I am a very lucky woman.

However, this “computer” is not one one of my luckiest strikes. Years ago, when my husband was contracting (rarely), we bought this thing called a renderfarm for a LOT of money. We were TOTALLY poor. This renderfarm was, of course, for my husband’s job. I always enjoyed spending money for his job, rather than paying rent. Okay, move forward several years: by the time he worked his way into big studios, the renderfarm was outdated. I said, “Time to get rid of this crap.” But noooooooo, Husband insists, we might need it someday.

And as a writer, one day, I needed a new computer. Somehow, he talked me into using this crap. Notice, it has no floppy disk drive. It has no working CD drive (though I believe there is a “fake” CD drive there that my husband used to convince me to take this thing). Notice the huge attractive handles. And don’t overlook the on and off button–oh, sorry, that’s right, there is no on and off button. There is a switch, but don’t be fooled–it doesn’t turn the thing off. You push the switch down, and the “computer” (which is actually a SERVER) goes off for a second, then it comes back on even though you are still holding it down. When you take your finger off of it, it goes back up anyway. The switch acts kind of moody and angry, and basically, I just leave this thing on at all times because trying to turn it off is just way too complex and time-consuming.

So there you have it. I supported my husband’s film industry career by working hard and getting him contracts. He supported my writing job by getting me a “computer” (aka server) with no disk drive, CD drive, on or off switch, but that does, thank heaven, have useful handles and the sharp edges won’t cut you as long as you don’t bump into it.