Husband Clothes

I hope that title doesn’t sound too mean. My husband is being so nice, it’s almost like we’re in the dating phase again. I’m really surprised and very, very, very happy with things–so much attention, so much approval, so much togetherness!

But we had a very amusing dialog today, and I can’t resist sharing it. I can’t help how this dialogue is going to make him look. All I can say is trust me–he’s a smart guy, despite everything about this dialogue.

Background: There were about 2 hours when I was thinking I might be in labor. (That was so exciting!) So I wanted to alert my husband just in case–it takes him an hour to drive home and stuff, so it makes sense to say “Hey, get ready, it may be time…but it may not.” SO, here’s the dialogue:

Me: Hey Honey, I think I might be having contractions. There’s a small chance it might be time.

Husband: OK.

Me: Don’t come home or anything yet. I just wanted to warn you.

Husband: About what?

Hahahahhaha. Does this dialogue bring any questions or doubts about my husband’s sanity to mind? What did he think I meant by “It might be time”? Time for LUNCH? Time for the morning MAIL? Sure, except that I had mentioned contractions, and I am almost 9 months pregnant. Oh well. At least he understood after I clarified. hahahahahah.

Update: It’s now the next day. I am pretty sure those were NOT contractions. Why wouldn’t I know this? After all, it’s my 3rd pregnancy…well, hopefully someone will inform me when I begin having contractions, as clearly, I’m not going to know.

The two most fascinating men I know are my father and my husband. By definition, of course, fascinating includes the concepts of odd and puzzling on some level. Or all levels.

Yesterday I called to ask my stepmom a question. So, my Dad answers the phone. I was kind of in a hurry, so I said, “Hey Dad! Sorry, I’m in a hurry, can I talk to Laura?” (Fake name, sorry, Dad is even more private than my husband, he’d kill me if I put his wife’s real name on this blog!)

He paused for a long time. I asked, “Is Laura home, Dad?”

His response: “Hmmmm…I have no idea.”

My response: “Um, but you’re at home. And I am asking if she’s also at home. How could you have no idea?”

He answered, “Oh, I’m downstairs.” As if this explains not even knowing if your wife is at home.

Whatever. Then I realized, hey, at least my father answers the phone! My husband NEVER does that!

PS. FATHER’S DAY is in 2 weeks on Sunday June 15. If you need gift ideas, visit the Husband Clothes store–there are very nice summer shirts in the “Clothing” section, and my personal favorite is the “Under $20″ section if that’s helpful to anyone. Also, banners below with good sales and GOOD stuff for fathers:

What a delightful article I just saw on Yahoo. It’s called “15 Simple Ways to Keep Your Partner Happy.” It’s written by a man. I thought, won’t it make me chuckle to take a look and just verify for certain that my husband is doing none of them?

Low and behold, not only is he doing none of them, but he’s such a far cry from this list, it actually made me laugh aloud. VERY loud. As in, I think I woke one of the children. (Please no…) So, I’m going to copy the list and add commentary if that’s okay with everyone.

1. Rub her feet instead of asking her if she wants you to rub her feet. Make it look like you want to do it. Right. He rubs my back rarely. Even then, there is a reason, and we all know exactly what that is. That there must be a reason makes the backrub irritating.

2. Make her dinner one night. Don’t ask her if she wants you to make dinner. Make her dinner before she gets home. Mmm, I prefer to eat–I’ll cook.

3. Light a candle so that she arrives home to a nice environment instead of coming home to the glaring lights of the television and other things. This is reminding me of the time he caught the house on fire. I need to move on to #4 very quickly before I get angry.

4. Send her a text in the middle of the day telling her “I miss your smile from this morning” or “Last night was amazing!” or “The conversation we had last night was great.” The closest thing to a romantic text message my husband sends me is an instant message that says dumb stuff like “QUICK, tell me how to spell [insert very easy word]!!!” Or strange Youtube videos that I get quizzed on and in trouble for not watching.

5. Send an eCard in the middle of the day… something cute to remind her how much you really care about her. HA HA! I don’t even get cards for my birthday.

6. If she’s going on a business trip, offer to drive her to the airport or pick her up to make her life that much easier. Hm, well, my husband drives me places and picks me up a lot because I hate driving. So maybe I’m spoiled. HAHAHAHHAHA. (Picking up part= true, spoiled part= funny joke.)

7. Let her have control of the remote control. Don’t monopolize it for a change. Just give it to her and let her actually sit there and enjoying watching one of her shows. Then you can share one of her interests by watching it with her. Share an interest? Watch TV together? Hu?

8. Offer to iron one of her shirts or take her clothes to the dry cleaner. My husband anywhere near an iron, especially an iron near MY clothing, is my worst nightmare. Just thinking about it is making me tense and paranoid.

9. Clean up the bathroom without being asked. Don’t just sit there and ignore the mess around the toilet. If you know it drives her crazy to see water splashed all around the sink, dry that area after you use it. Uh, I’d settle for “Try to pee directly into the toilet.”

10. If you work out together, enjoy it with her instead of rushing through your own workout and then not letting her workout at the same time. I would never choose to work out with my husband, but if forced for any reason, I’d be the one rushing through my workout. He’d completely ignore me, and I’d completely ignore him as well.

11. Take a shower together, then wash her hair, scrub her back, and give her a spa treatment. Do this and enjoy it! If my husband ever tried to do this, I am certain he would injure me.

12. The next time she gives you a massage, give her a massage the next day. Offer it! Don’t just say you’ll give her a massage…do it! See #1.

13. Surprise her by making plans. Tell her, “We’re going out tonight honey.” You can even just go out for a drink or dinner somewhere. It’s taking the initiative that’s important. Please. I’m about to write an entire post about his “plans.” Here were his actual “plans” for last Sunday: Sleep till 3pm. Then try to take family to the beach at 5pm. The beach is a 45 minute drive. I am neither joking nor exaggerating. This was actually the “plan.”

14. Decide on and set aside one night a week as date night. Have a date like when you first started dating. Hm. This could be fun. It will never happen, but if it did, I’m pretty sure it would be fun.

15. Call her in the middle of the day and just say hello. Don’t wait for her to call you. Oh, he calls me like two or three times each day. Usually to ask if I watched the Youtube videos (see #4), but sometimes with strange questions like “What’s my social security number?” (as in his social security number) or “What’s our address?” I know what you’re thinking–it’s his way of saying “I love you.” he he.

PS. Was that as much fun for you as it was for me? I sure hope so.

Ha ha. That’s not true. I never cry. Maybe I should put some effort into learning to tap into my emotions and let them all pour out. Mmmm, sounds too depressing.

OH, but why did I say I’m awash in tears? I meant I’m awash in mental tears. (HA HA. Did you catch that well-placed homonym that made a sentence with two meanings, one of which calls me schizophrenic? hahahah) Sorry, I’M IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD I AM TELLING JOKES THAT ARE ALMOST AS WIERD AS MY HUSBAND’S!!!

Okay, seriously. By “awash in tears,” I meant that I had an extremely wonderful, unexpected, deeply touching moment today.

I GOT FLOWERS for Mother’s Day. Guess who they’re from. No, not my husband. (I haven’t yet told him that tomorrow is Mother’s Day–that counts out any possibility of receiving flowers from him.

From my Mom? Nope. Got something from her a week ago. She’s DARN GOOD at sending gifts.

From my children? No. But, technically my first grader thoroughly described the clay pot and card he made me, but would not allow me to SEE them yet, as it’s a SURPRISE.

The flowers are from my DAD. Is that the sweetest thing ever??? If you knew my Dad, you’d fall over backwards right now. He is a great guy. However, he is NOT a sending flowers type. He is NOT a remembering holidays type. He is a scientisty type–actually was a real scientist (!) in early years, turned corporate attorney. Oh dear, I just made this paragraph into 2 pages of writing and then had to make them into a new post. My father is an extremely intriguing and fascinating person. But the 2 pages detracted too much from the point of this post–which is that my DAD sent me FLOWERS for Mother’s Day. Gosh, I will not forget this.

Look at those beauties. They are so pretty. What a nice day:)