Help husband. Help husband quickly, especially when he tries to go shopping.

Funny–I was JUST about to write a post about how much fun we had last weekend! He acted SO NORMAL. He did normal things! He didn’t dress normally, but that’s to be expected. He wore a beige fleece sweatshirt with these really thin black sweatpants the whole weekend–and I almost certain these “sweatpants” are actually a pair of long johns. He thinks he has people fooled–but not me. But I have our three young boys to keep up with, so hey, if my husband wants to wear long johns in public, more power to him.

Yeah, so I was going to post how normal he acted (other than the long johns). Oh, also he totally forgot to buy me a Christmas present. However, I also forgot to buy him one, so we cancelled each other out on that one. Not much to complain about. We’re just not present people–it was a little irritating though when he said, “Did you buy me something?” and I asked, “No why?” And like the spoiled husband he is, he replied, “Thank goodness. You never buy the right things.” Precisely. That’s why I stopped trying. And he never started trying, so as I said, that’s fine. Thank heaven I have so few expectations–clearly expectations would create issues in our marriage. (hahahah!!! good one!)

SO, wasn’t I trying to say something about how normal he acted? Well, forget that. But we did have a GREAT time!!! However, there is a reason this post is titled “Help Husband When Shopping”…Today he went to the store again. He calls me on the phone as I’m tucking the boys into bed. He says, “You will never BELIEVE what I found!”

I get all excited, “What! What did you find!? Is it for me?” That was such a dumb question. But the response was soooo much dumber.

“Yes, it’s for all of us! It’s a HAMMOCK.” Uuuuhhhhhh, our “backyard” is only like 10 by 10. We have no front or side yard. Where does he think the hammock is going to go? I was already annoyed.

So I explained, “Honey, a hammock isn’t going to fit in our yard AT ALL. Don’t buy it.” I didn’t mention the obvious fact that we don’t NEED a hammock, our boys could seriously injure themselves on a hammock, and I hate hammocks because I fall out of them but keep trying to lie down in them regardless. For this reason they negatively affect my self-esteem.

Then he said: “That’s okay. We don’t have to put it in the yard. It’s the kind of hammock you can stand up on its own.” Hu? Oh good. So, you mean we can put it anywhere? Like the living room? Or the kitchen? I have a better idea–how about the stairs? Because I can’t think of another area in our extremely small apartment where we could FIT A HAMMOCK. See why I said to help my husband? Man, glad I nipped that one in the bud.

See this photo. Does it look a little ODD? Can you even guess what the purple and yellow stuff in the vase is? (Well, probably, due to the title of this post). This is a photo of flowers.

Some of you may be thinking “AWWW, Holly’s husband got her flowers, and she’s being all picky about them.” No–trust me, on the extremely rare occasions that my husband buys me flowers, remembers my birthday, or does romantic things like these, I am totally grateful (though shocked).

No, these flowers were from my DAD! He brought them over on Thanksgiving! I was shuffling around the kitchen, fixing turkey, fixing boiled potatoes (which I had to convert to mashed potatoes, then had to unexpectedly ask one of our guests to make gravy–OOPS, rude I know, but otherwise the turkey would have caught on fire–long story!).

Because I was working furiously to finish Thanksgiving dinner, set the table, keep the kids out of the kitchen and away from the hot stove, mind the stuff that was cooking on every burner, plus in the oven…because I was busy with all of these things, I asked my husband to “take care of” the flowers.

This photo is what I got. I guess I didn’t realize how complex “taking care of the flowers” really is. Not only must you cut the stems. You must also REMOVE the paper and plastic around the flowers.

To wrap it up: When I’m desperately in need of a helping hand due to furious cooking and millions of things to do, THIS is what happens! All that said, it was AWESOME to have him home for Thanksgiving! We’re so excited that his out-of-town job is ending soon!

Side note: To enhance your viewing pleasure just a little more, take a look at the odd little black thing along the metal bar slightly below the flowers. Take a wild guess what that might be. (Hint: My husband stuck it there because he felt it would “protect us.”) Okay, okay I’ll tell you. That’s my husband’s way of earthquake proofing the dining room. Oh, you say, that little thing couldn’t possibly hold that shelf up in an earthquake–it looks like a fragile twistwire. Like the kind you might close a bag of bread with.

Well, that’s because this IS a twistwire. Oh but don’t worry because it would protect us for sure because it is BOLTED to our dining room wall! (Don’t you know, the important thing is that it’s bolted–he material you use doesn’t really matter. This is true because my husband said so, and I think we all know he is clearly the authority on earthquake proofing homes.) Finally, isn’t it amazing how my husband managed to keep the twistwire in FULL view despite how SMALL (and weak) it is?

But we had a very amusing dialog today, and I can’t resist sharing it. I can’t help how this dialogue is going to make him look. All I can say is trust me–he’s a smart guy, despite everything about this dialogue.

Background: There were about 2 hours when I was thinking I might be in labor. (That was so exciting!) So I wanted to alert my husband just in case–it takes him an hour to drive home and stuff, so it makes sense to say “Hey, get ready, it may be time…but it may not.” SO, here’s the dialogue:

Me: Hey Honey, I think I might be having contractions. There’s a small chance it might be time.

Husband: OK.

Me: Don’t come home or anything yet. I just wanted to warn you.

Husband: About what?

Hahahahhaha. Does this dialogue bring any questions or doubts about my husband’s sanity to mind? What did he think I meant by “It might be time”? Time for LUNCH? Time for the morning MAIL? Sure, except that I had mentioned contractions, and I am almost 9 months pregnant. Oh well. At least he understood after I clarified. hahahahahah.

Update: It’s now the next day. I am pretty sure those were NOT contractions. Why wouldn’t I know this? After all, it’s my 3rd pregnancy…well, hopefully someone will inform me when I begin having contractions, as clearly, I’m not going to know.

Yesterday I called to ask my stepmom a question. So, my Dad answers the phone. I was kind of in a hurry, so I said, “Hey Dad! Sorry, I’m in a hurry, can I talk to Laura?” (Fake name, sorry, Dad is even more private than my husband, he’d kill me if I put his wife’s real name on this blog!)

He paused for a long time. I asked, “Is Laura home, Dad?”

His response: “Hmmmm…I have no idea.”

My response: “Um, but you’re at home. And I am asking if she’s also at home. How could you have no idea?”

He answered, “Oh, I’m downstairs.” As if this explains not even knowing if your wife is at home.

Whatever. Then I realized, hey, at least my father answers the phone! My husband NEVER does that!

What a delightful article I just saw on Yahoo. It’s called “15 Simple Ways to Keep Your Partner Happy.” It’s written by a man. I thought, won’t it make me chuckle to take a look and just verify for certain that my husband is doing none of them?

Low and behold, not only is he doing none of them, but he’s such a far cry from this list, it actually made me laugh aloud. VERY loud. I’m going to copy the list and add a little commentary to entertain myself. Here are the author’s excellent words of advice and my thoughts on how these ideas pertain to my husband:

1. Rub her feet instead of asking her if she wants you to rub her feet. Make it look like you want to do it. (My thoughts: Right. He rubs my back rarely. Even then, there is a reason, and we all know exactly what that is. That there must be a reason makes the backrub irritating.)

2. Make her dinner one night. Don’t ask her if she wants you to make dinner. Make her dinner before she gets home. (Mmm, I prefer to eat–I’ll cook.)

3. Light a candle so that she arrives home to a nice environment instead of coming home to the glaring lights of the television and other things. (This is reminding me of the time he caught the house on fire. I need to move on to #4  quickly before I get angry.)

4. Send her a text in the middle of the day telling her “I miss your smile from this morning” or “Last night was amazing!” or “The conversation we had last night was great.” (The closest thing to a romantic text message my husband sends me is an instant message that says dumb stuff like “QUICK, tell me how to spell [insert very easy word]” 0r links to strange Youtube videos that I get quizzed on and in trouble for not watching.)

5. Send an eCard in the middle of the day… something cute to remind her how much you really care about her. (HA HA! He doesn’t even get me cards for my birthday!)

6. If she’s going on a business trip, offer to drive her to the airport or pick her up to make her life that much easier. (Well, my husband drives me places and picks me up a lot because I am not very good at driving. I mean, you know, I have car accidents and run into stuff. So maybe I’m spoiled. HAHAHAHHAHA. Picking up part= true, spoiled part= funny joke.)

7. Let her have control of the remote control. Don’t monopolize it for a change. Just give it to her and let her actually sit there and enjoying watching one of her shows. Then you can share one of her interests by watching it with her. (Share an interest? Watch TV together? Hu?)

8. Offer to iron one of her shirts or take her clothes to the dry cleaner. (My husband anywhere near an iron–especially an iron near my clothing–is my worst nightmare. Just thinking about it is making me tense and paranoid.)

9. Clean up the bathroom without being asked. Don’t just sit there and ignore the mess around the toilet. If you know it drives her crazy to see water splashed all around the sink, dry that area after you use it. (Uh, I’d settle for “Try to pee directly into the toilet.”)

10. If you work out together, enjoy it with her instead of rushing through your own workout and then not letting her workout at the same time. (I would never choose to work out with my husband. However, if forced for any reason, I’d be the one rushing through my workout. He’d completely ignore me, and I’d completely ignore him as well.)

11. Take a shower together, then wash her hair, scrub her back, and give her a spa treatment. Do this and enjoy it! (If my husband ever tried to do this, I am certain he would injure me.)

12. The next time she gives you a massage, give her a massage the next day. Offer it! Don’t just say you’ll give her a massage…do it! (See #1.)

13. Surprise her by making plans. Tell her, “We’re going out tonight honey.” You can even just go out for a drink or dinner somewhere. It’s taking the initiative that’s important. (Please. I’m about to write an entire post about his “plans.” Here were his actual “plans” for last Sunday: Sleep till 3pm. Then try to take family to the beach at 5pm. The beach is a 45 minute drive. I am neither joking nor exaggerating. This was actually the “plan.”)

14. Decide on and set aside one night a week as date night. Have a date like when you first started dating. (Hm. This could be fun. It will never happen, but if it did, I’m pretty sure it would be fun.)

15. Call her in the middle of the day and just say hello. Don’t wait for her to call you. (Oh, he calls me at least three or four times each day. Usually to ask if I watched the Youtube videos–see #4. Or to ask strange questions like “What’s my social security number?”…as in his social security number… or “What’s our address?” I know what you’re thinking–it’s his way of saying “I love you.” he he.)

Well, that wraps it up for the day. I sure wish my husband would listen to a man like this author. Boy, if your husband does any of this stuff above, hats off to him–and to you! Okay, off to bed now. I’m trying to turn over a new leaf and be self-disciplined. That means I HAVE to get to bed before 1:00am. It’s hard for me, cause I always feel like I’m going to miss something. But I’m going to bed right now. No one can stop me–including myself. Good night.