Husband Clothes

As I’ve mentioned, the top reason I wanted to marry my husband was because he was kind and steadfast through and through. And those qualities have gotten us through near-divorces caused by OTHER qualities he has (and that I have, of course).

In our first three or four years of marriage, I kept learning about “life strategies” my husband used, and uses, to deal with a variety of situations. Some of these strategies HORRIFIED me. The really odd thing is that the more time that went by, the more I learned from the way my husband does things–even though I don’t always agree with his approach.

I thought I’d share one of these strategies with you. It may ring a bell for some of you. I’m going to write this from my husband’s perspective. Pretend he’s reading or speaking the next paragraph. Then I’ll tell you what I’ve learned from this highly annoying strategy and why I now use it regularly.

#1 Husband Strategy of All Time: Say, “I will do it later” to avoid anything for any reason. Even when you have said this 100 times (when, for example, your wife has asked you to mow for the past 100 days), feel free to say it again when asked to do “the task.” Sure, it will infuriate the person asking you to do the task at hand. But pleasing people isn’t the objective. And thank heaven for that. Also, remember that the word “later” isn’t specific–so don’t go making it something it’s not by tacking a day or time to the end of your statement. Keep it straight and to the point: “I’ll do it later.”

What I have learned: I used to be Miss Do EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW and Miss Do EVERY FAVOR ANYONE ASKS me for. By observing my husband, I learned that this is much too stressful. Now my motto is pretty much “I’ll do it later.” Oh don’t get me wrong–I help people who need help. But not when I can’t. Also, not for moocher types, and not for people who are mean or unappreciative, no matter how close a “friend” or relative.  Oh, I don’t have a problem just saying “no” either, but in some cases, “I’ll do it later” is preferable. (Prime example: When my mother-in-law says, “Come visit me,” it’s really better to say “I’ll do it later” than “No, we’re not going to visit you because when we do, you ruin my life.”) The person asking the favor ALWAYS stops asking at some point–so it’s definitely a win/win situation.

Oh, and you know who gets this response from me more than anyone else in the world–my husband! Pretty much all we ever say now is “Can you help me?” or “I’ll do it later.” But somehow it works out–probably because we  both strongly stand by this strategy. We’re united in not doing things right now.

This happened a few weeks ago. I have one visual symbol that I feel effectively communicates what I had to deal with that day, and it is posted above. These scissors are MY FAVORITE kitchen scissors. Oh, sorry, they WERE my favorite kitchen scissors. As you can see, however, something happened to them. Guess what that was.

The incident occurred on a day when we needed to mow. Surprisingly, that day began well despite the need for mowing part. (Usually on the days we need to mow, my husband and I almost get divorced due to his inability to help with that ONE JOB around the house.) But that particular morning, I said, “We need to mow.” And he just started getting the stuff to do it! I nearly fell into a shock-induced coma. However, I was quickly brought back into full, though perplexed, consciousness with the following 2 incidents:

1. After like 5 minutes, he says, “Alright! I’m all done mowing.” I thought, that seems way too fast, even considering the dinky size of our yard. So I go out to look. UM YEAH, figured it out–about 3 spots of grass had actually been CUT. All the rest of the grass was still 8 inches tall but LYING DOWN sideways. In short, almost nothing had even been mowed. I pointed this out, and he got an irritated look on his face and said, “Fine, I’ll mow again. But first I’m going to cut this tree back.” (Uh, correction: Omit the word “again,” Sweetie. But good idea to cut the tree back.)
2. After 10 more minutes, he came inside and said, “Well, I’m going to need to go to Home Depot.” I asked why. He held up my favorite kitchen scissors which were broken in half, and said, “Because these broke.” Apparently he had been trimming the TREE with them.

I said, “You tried to cute the TREE with my kitchen scissors???????”

His response: “Well, we don’t HAVE yard sheers. Plus those tree branches are not that big.” See. See how my life is? But that’s all fine now. I recuperated by asking myself, “Let’s pretend I am forced to choose between these. Which would be better?”:

a) a man who is a really kind husband and father but somehow breaks kitchen utensils while doing yardwork or

b) a man who could mow all of Iowa in a flash and not break a single kitchen utensil in the process, but who was mean to me and the children

Easy. I’d take the guy who’s really nice but breaks kitchen utensils while mowing. Not IDEAL, but an easy choice nevertheless. My life is pretty fun–just sometimes I have to consciously remind myself to laugh rather than cry. That’s fine.

Ha ha! The title of this post is actually understating it. It should be called the ENDLESS NUMBER OF TIMES my husband failed his driving test.

He and I got our driver’s licenses and our first car ever together shortly after getting married. Looking back, I can’t believe our relationship lasted beyond the driver’s license ordeal. It cost us something like $200 in cab rides to DMV. I honestly am ashamed to tell you the number of trips we had to make for all of my husband’s failed trips, but I am going to estimate 5. Let’s do the math on that one–it means he failed the test about 4 times and finally passed it the last time.

The reason is that he INSISTED that he didn’t need to study for the test. After all, he was given driving lessons by CARLOS. May I mention that Carlos, while kind and a good driver, didn’t have the strongest English language skills–nor did my husband. Worry not–they followed the driving laws. But clearly Carlos wasn’t able to impart all of the information my husband needed to pass the test.

But, you might wonder, after Holly’s husband failed the test the first time, THEN didn’t he feel he needed to study? The answer is no. He felt the test was “wierd” and that questions were worded “in a confusing way.” How about the third time? Wouldn’t have have realized after failing the driving test twice that he should now study? NOPE. After the third test, he kept repeating something like: “I’ve now answered questions incorrectly so many times that I’ll definitely know the right answer when I see it this time.”

We kept going to the DMV over and over and over. And since we didn’t have a car (because no licenses), we had to take taxis. It got very annoying–and expensive. Finally, after he failed like the 4th time, I think I was ready to leave him. Sorry, but I simply could not be married to a man who can’t pass a driving test after seemingly endless attempts, PLUS somehow neglects to STUDY for the test despite undeniable proof that he desperately needs to.

How did this nightmare end? We studied together for about 30 minutes. I asked him questions, and gave him multiple choice answers worded exactly as they are in the book. I repeated each question till he got the answer right. The next day he passed the test. The irony? Now my husband’s driving is very good, and mine is very bad. And my car is all crashed up, but his car is not. The mysteries of life, marriage, and change…

Hi, I hope all is well. We are having such a nice time–me and the boys that is. My husband is still working out of town. How hard it must be for military wives. Or wives who lose their husbands unexpectedly.

I usually like to (attempt to) be humorous, but I’m kind of in a deep mood. It’s odd how easy it is to say something snappy or have a negative thought about a loved one who’s right there with you. Then suddenly, when that person is absent, you realize how dumb all of those thoughts were.

I’m realizing how dumb it is that I almost divorced my husband over mowing the lawn about a month ago. Well, I suppose I didn’t ACTUALLY almost divorce him. But even that I wanted to. How dumb. He takes such good care of us. And his patience and steadiness are unmatched among all other people I know. And as I’ve mentioned many a time, he’s just so darn handsome. Isn’t it funny how you forget how loved ones look–whether they are attractive or unattractive, after long enough, you just see the person and no longer notice his or her beauty (or lack thereof)?

I just can’t wait until he’s home. Not because I need his help–due to his work schedule, he can’t really help too much around the house. I just miss him. He’s such a wonderful man.

What a rambling post! Goodness. Oh, I DO have stories as I said before. But because I’m having these SO-in-love-with-husband thoughts, it seems best to post them. A blog can’t be comprised SOLELY of jokes about one’s spouse. Well, yes it could. But not mine. See, I just proved it with this post. hahahahahah!!!

I am thrilled that my husband is finally wearing summer clothes–he hasn’t worn a T-shirt for 9 years of marriage (until this summer, per previous postings). Now he wears T-shirts all the time. Well, he wears ONE T-shirt all the time, despite having purchased oh, 10 or 15 new T-shirts for himself over the past year. But hey, I’m just thankful it’s not the usual sweatshirt or turtle neck he usually wears in the summer. Too embarrassing.

BUT he is wearing the T-shirt with sweatpant like things. They are the thin, somewhat shiny material sweatpants with stripes down the side–I can’t remember the precise term for them, but there is one, and usually people laugh when they say it. But that’s okay. Also, the T-shirt is black, and the sweatpant things are dark blue with white stripes. Why his master’s degree in fine arts didn’t result in better color coordination, I would like to ask. Perhaps someone out there has some ideas?

But after 9 years of looking at these clothing shortcomings, I am pretty sure I am not fooling myself when I say, it doesn’t even bother me anymore. Wanna wear black and blue together? Wanna wear sweatpants in the summer? Oh, somewhat off topic, wanna have a full, very full might I add, beard and shave your head bald as you did today? Also off topic, don’t mind that long hair that is sticking out of your nose? Be my guest. I no longer notice details like these, except perhaps the nose hair. Whatever. He’ll cut it eventually. Fortunately, my husband has beautiful dark, mysterious eyes, a hot jawline, and a very pleasant build–I try to focus on these things.

OH, but back to my story. His dark blue sweatpants somehow ended up with a kid’s white sticker thing stuck to the butt. I pointed out the sticker to him, and he pulled it off. It left a huge patch of semi-transparent white sticker residue. So, in short, there’s a white spot on the butt of these pants.

To make matters worse, these are “the pants of the month” (meaning he wears them each day for about a month). He keeps wearing them every day. I finally reminded him that there’s a white spot on the butt, and it’s really visible.

His response, “Oh I know. No one cares about that.” And then he just keeps wearing the pants. To work, to stores, wherever he wants to go.

Hm. I’m feeling very puzzled and confused. But kind of on a love-my-husband high at the same time. I have very vague memories of my husband’s awesome cooking skills from about 10 years ago during our dating phase. My husband is such a great cook–or should I say “was.” Is cooking like riding a bycicle, and you don’t forget how to do it even after 10 years of not even turning on a stove eye?

Oh, let me not exaggerate. My husband has cooked several times over the last 10 years. But only for himself and on a very rare Saturday for the boys–and this involves nothing more extravagant than a scrambled egg. In fact, I can just say it this way: Over the last 10 years my husband has cooked, but only scrambled eggs, and that very rarely, and NEVER for me.

So what’s Mr. Romantic doing at 11pm as I’m working at my computer bringing me a VERY DELICIOUS OMELET with sliced bread and sliced tomatoes on the side??? He had to walk upstairs to do this. [Right here, new readers please note: Despite how this all sounds, my husband is a very kind man, and I’m a kind lady. We’re both just kind of in the stone ages when it comes to sharing housework.]

And then I, in a very extremely nice voice, was kind of like “Wow. Thanks a lot! Hey, um, are you looking to have um [how can I phrase this on blog]…to do reproductive activities?” Seriously, he looked so surprised. I am sure he only cooked to be kind. But why? Why do husbands suddenly realize they need to be attentive? Does he have a girlfriend telling him he needs to be attentive?

No, definitely not–I did the monthly cell phone-slash-wallet check and *67 (if you do that, the person getting the call can’t see your number on their phone), call all unfamiliar numbers on husband’s cell phone. I found only two unfamiliar numbers, and both people who answered were males–so sorry I hung up on them!!! He he he–can’t really explain how I am checking to be sure they’re not my husband’s girlfriend, especially since they’re obviously his guy friends–boy that’d make BOTH of us look weird, how embarrassing! [One more note for new readers: I’m SO not the jealous type, but when your husband works from 9am till 3-5am for 4-5 weeks, you start feeling that you need to check wallets and cell phones just in case–but see, I only checked once in a month. I could be SO much more diligent. But too busy.]

But back on track: I bet my husband is afraid I’m going to die when I give birth in a month–no, that sounds more like me. No, I say it’s just his great love of babies and that I’m about to have a third one for him. That’s a wonderful trait for a husband to have, but how great to get all this attention lately too! I’m basically in heaven right now, both from good food and good husband.

PS. YES, I DO REALIZE that I am probably too easily pleased. I mean, the first omelet in 10 years could have been husband cooking once or twice a week for 10 years…But how does one force oneself to be NOT happy with something when she’s just thrilled? I could try to repeat over and over, for example, “I will not be happy with first omelet in 10 years. Need husband to cook at least twice a week.” But it won’t work. I’ll still feel really happy about this omelet.

Man, my husband was getting on my nerves SO much last week, I could barely even blog. Every post started and ended with “I want a divorce,” then I had to delete them. Because this blog is to help me handle things with humor, not with anger. But as you know, in marriage, sometimes there’s anger. And other times there’s humor:)

ANYWAY, in the midst of all of my anger, I kept thinking “Man, I really want a divorce. Like tomorrow.” Can’t list all the reasons, because then I’ll get mad again. But mainly they were because my husband is not really taking care of stuff, which is forcing me to take care of way, way too much stuff. I am working from 9am to 9pm myself right now, having a baby in 6 weeks, have a 7 year old at home from school, taking him and his brother to lessons for stuff, plus husband still working from 9am to 2am each day…I really need my husband to pull his own weight. And he can’t seem to….plus he was getting an attitude when I get testy due to all of this. Sometimes he’s just so out of touch…

So I was really down and feeling quite angry. Then suddenly I made a horrible mistake. AND THIS WAS A STROKE OF LUCK THAT HAPPENED RIGHT IN TIME. We got my husband’s car registration stickers in the mail, but I forgot to give them to him.

So, he got a parking ticket for not having the registration. But not just any ticket. A ticket that requires him to go to DMV or a police station, get a signature from an official, and only THEN can he send the fine. Oh my. And this is all because there aren’t stickers on his license plate (the stickers I had on my desk for um…days? or maybe weeks???).

I apologized to him. His response: no response. As in, he acted totally normal and calm and nice. How could a person act calm and nice after getting that kind of ticket? I don’t know–perhaps we should all ask my husband.

Also, we had a little chat. Before the parking ticket, about his attitude at my testiness over him not pulling his own weight. I told him he needs to get back in touch with reality and cut me some slack. There’s NO WAY I have the energy to try to keep my tone nice and dainty as I remind him of crap for the millionth time right now. In addition, I explained, I need HELP, so he needs to start acting like I’m almost 9 months pregnant and STOP acting like I’m Hulk Hogan or something.

Low and behold, I think he understood. We went to the park with the boys and my husband OPENED MY CAR DOOR FOR ME. I almost fainted. And then felt really super relieved. It’s sooooo good when things seem bad, but suddenly your spouse listens and understands and responds. Wow. I am having such a nice day because of that.

I was so thrilled to read Mathew Baldwin’s recent post on Defective Yeti (hilarious and interesting blog, might I add–do check out his stories about his wife, whom he calls the Queen, especially the story called “Beaurocracy“).

But back to my original point. This writer, tech guy, dad, and husband seems QUITE WITH IT. So when I saw his recent post on NOT owning a cell phone, I was surprised, but then relieved.

I also have no cell phone. My friends reading are going “Don’t lie. You HAVE one, you just don’t use it.” Well friends, I haven’t bothered to tell anyone, since I literally NEVER use my cell phone and actually kind of hate my cell phone for that very reason.

But I have lost my cell phone. Don’t worry, I deactivated it temporarily. Beyond that, I can’t make myself care enough to decide how to proceed. I’m having a little quandry–get a new cell phone? I don’t want a new one. I hate it because people call me on it and leave important messages–but it’s never charged. When it is charged, I can’t find it. I stopped giving the number out long ago, yet my doctor, dentist, places like these, they just can’t stop using that number. I think my contract is up too. I was thinking switch to a pre-pay type thing, that way I’ll have the phone for emergencies…but I don’t think they’ll let me do that with my current number.

So, as my quandry continues, I’m paying the $30 or $40 per month just to keep the number. Till I decide. Yes, that’s wasteful. My father would NOT be happy about this. But that’s okay, because I’m in my thirties, so I don’t really have to consult with him on this.

Anyway, I love the reactions Matthew posts–particularly those for years 2005 (Irritation) and 2005 (Derision). I’ve gotten these responses too, but not for not having a cell phone, just for never using it. It was kind of nice to see that at least one other fellow human also has yet to catch up to this particular mainstay of modern technology.

PS. Did I mention that my husband DOES have a cell phone, and that he paid way more than one of his car payments to purchase it? But see, unlike me, he needs a cell phone because he can’t remember his work or home phone numbers. That’s a whole ‘nother post though.

I think I’ve mentioned before that my husband refuses to wear summer clothing. Not in the 90 degree heat in Los Angeles in June. Not in the 90 degree heat and 90% humidity in Northern Virginia in July.

Nope. In the middle of June in the blistering Los Angeles heat (well, not now, but usually), everyone else is walking around in T-shirts and tank tops. Then you see my husband in sweatshirts and jeans. Sometimes with a T-shirt and a sweatshirt under that.

Why? I do not know. He is a nice-looking guy. He has nothing to hide under his winter clothing. It is not a religious thing. It is not a feeling cold despite the heat thing. I have no idea why he does this.

I have tried to ask him why, but I never really get an answer. I usually just end up not really thinking much about it. But then one of my friends will ask, “Isn’t your husband HOT in that sweatshirt today??? It’s 95 degrees outside!” Then I become afraid that he might have a heatstroke or something and try to ask why he doesn’t want to wear a T-shirt, and the conversation goes nowhere, and I forget again.

But something happened this summer. He has worn short-sleeved shirts (without the weird sweatshirt under it look that he LOVES) TWICE this summer. I don’t know what to think. It’s like being married to a new man. What will he do next?

My husband told a funny joke this morning. To regular readers of this site, you know this is a rare occasion. To new readers, I do realize that this sounds kind of mean, but trust me, it’s not mean. What’s mean are my husband’s jokes, which are not funny, and which are told at the worst possible moments in the most embarrassing situations.

Oh, but about the funny joke…We were getting ready in the morning. He was looking for socks to wear. Unfortunately, suddenly this year, I have become unable to put up clean laundry. I do the laundry, but then it sits in the floor in a pile. I keep meaning to fold it each day. But I don’t. This has gone on for months. I have no explanation or excuse. It’s my goal to change this, but I keep thinking about, rather than acting on, the goal.

Fortunately, messes don’t bother my husband in the least, so he barely even notices the pile and just continues to fish clothes out of it.

So, he’s looking through this horrible pile of clean clothing to find clean socks. And I felt bad. I said, “Sweety, I’m sorry you have to look through this pile. I keep meaning to put up the clothes, but I keep not doing it…”

He said, “Hm. That’s terrible. I think I’m going to start a blog about this” and laughed. he he he. This was a reference to my blog about his bad habits. Get it? I have to say, not only do I think this joke was funny, but I find it hilarious that he pays so little mind to this blog though it pokes fun at him.

This is one of those things I love about this man. He never worries about petty things. He knows a joke is a joke. He has clean socks, he doesn’t care if they come from a pile or a drawer. He really worries about the “right” things in life–I guess this is why he’s so mellow and steady. I’ve learned a lot from his example, but there’s much more to learn.