For some reason, I decided to take a few moments to contemplate ways Barack Obama and John McCain would irritate me if I were married to them. Don’t worry–I am perfectly aware that their standards far surpass anything I would have to offer them–but this blog is about making fun of husbands, not myself (plenty of other people do that), so here are a few of my thoughts:

Ways Obama would irritate me if he were my husband:

1. He would begin sentences slowly but finish them too  quickly for me to keep up with him. Kind of like the way he says, “Now,” (slowly)…”Here’s what we gotta do”  (at the speed of light)…
2. Arguments would be embarrassing. I’d scream, curse, and cry, while he’d stare at me with the same strange-looking fake smile he had throughout each debate with John McCain.
3. If I tried to brag about being Salutatorian in high school in 1991, he’d say stuff like, “Big deal. I also graduated in 1991, magna cum laude from Harvard law school.”
4. He would refuse to talk about race, yet people would stare at us a lot because we’d be a biracial couple.
5. I might start smoking on the sly again (like he does), and that would really make me mad.
6. If I tried to talk about how hard my life is, he’d say things like, “Excuse me, but did you ever try to run for US president as a black male with the middle name Hussein during the war with Iraq? Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
7. If I tried talking about how ugly my hair looks, he’d say, “Take a look at these ears on my head, and then tell me about your hair.”
8. He’d pretend to view me as an equal, despite that he’s a millionaire and I’m painfully un-rich and un-sophisticated.
9. He’d always want me to dress nicely. Therefore, he would most likely disapprove of what I like to call “my fall outfit”. (That’s the outfit I wear almost every day during the fall). He’d probably try to make me go shopping. That would REALLY get on my nerves.
10. My name would be Holly Obama, which sounds like some type of holiday decoration rather than a person. (I can clearly imagine Hillary Clinton yelling, “HONEY! Do you know where we put the Holly Obama’s??! I can’t find them anywhere!”)

Ways McCain would irritate me if he were my husband:

1. He wouldn’t remember how many houses we own. That would really annoy me.
2. He would get angrier and act crazier than I would during arguments. That would frighten me.
3. If I tried to talk about difficulties, he’d blow me off and say “Oh poor martyr. Try being a prisoner of war.”
4. If I tried talking about physical pain, he’d say stuff like, “Try breaking BOTH of your arms and one of your legs in a plane crash when your military jet is shot down in North Vietnam, sissy girl.”
5. If I acted like I knew more than him, he’d say, “Um, I’m almost 80. I think I know more than you do.”
6. If I tried to say mean things about female friends or relatives, he’d say, “Ever tried to deal with Sarah Palin? Didn’t think so.”
7. He would use quote signs with his hands, despite that usually only women do this (and that even for females, this gesture really looks geeky and out of style.)
8. When we’d go on walks, he’d move a little too slowly for me. Okay, much too slowly. (I walk a lot, and I walk fast. And let’s face it–McCain can barely move.)
9. If I tried to brag about knowing Spanish language, he’d say, “Big deal. I was born in Panama.” (As he said “Panama,” he’d make quote signs with his hands.)
10. When I get on his nerves, he’d try to make me jealous by muttering stuff like, “Too bad you can’t zap people with your florescent blue laser eyes like my ex-wife Cindy could.” (He’d make quote signs with his hands as he said “zap.”)

How would they irritate you? Can’t WAIT to hear.

But even on his hottest days, he’s still HIM. Part of being him means that he hasn’t done laundry in the entire month he’s been gone. Why? Well, he can’t figure out how to use the laundry card (which cost us $20) in the apartment they stuck him in. Hey–I’ve heard using some laundry cards is as complicated as driving a 747. HA HA. No I haven’t. (Oops, that was quite an unfunny joke–very similar to the kind my husband tells…)

ANYWAY,  not being able to figure out how to use the laundry card is not the end of this story, nor the dumbest part of it.

Like a college student, my husband packed up his dirty laundry and intended to bring it home for me to clean. (This is probably the real reason he visited us, and not because he “missed” us as he claimed.) As I mentioned, he’s been there for a month–so we’re not talking a little laundry. We’re talking, a whole huge bag full.

Did you notice how I said “intended to bring it home”? Yes. So, he says he put the clothes in a white bag right before he drove down. And he filled the car up with gas for the trip. And he bought some snacks for the drive down. And he took out his trash, which was also in a white bag. Isn’t that a funny coincidence?

Well, it certainly is. Because what he did was throw away two white bags–one of them contained trash. The other contained his laundry.

I don’t know about YOU, but after three months of unemployment (for BOTH of us), I can really think of NO better way to spend about $300 than on clothing that my husband threw in the garbage by accident. But that’s all fine. Don’t worry bout me. I love spending hundreds of dollars for no reason. I do. Especially after three months of unemployment. Really, I like all of that a lot.

Surprising fact: My husband doesn’t pass gas in the presence of others…even me. Considering all the other issues he has with hygiene, I find it shocking that he doesn’t constantly sit around passing gas. (I also have 3 young sons, however, and they fart nonstop…and when they aren’t farting, they are talking about farting…or butts or other related things…So it’s not like our house is fart-free, but it is very surprising that almost none of them are emitted by my husband.)

So, my husband doesn’t have this issue. However, I know for a fact that most men have serious issues with farting like crazy–they enjoy it, they call it to attention, they joke about it, and they even having contests involving it. This is really gross, and it could even make a female feel trapped in a yucky house with a yucky man, and she has to reckon daily with the fact that this huge fart bucket is her husband…forever. So, it seemed kind to pass this article along to any ladies out there who can’t understand how they trapped themselves into marriage with one big gas-passing machine…Believe it or not there is a SILVER LINING to this sulfur-induced cloud…It turns out that FARTS ARE HEALTHY. Read the article and see: The same chemical that makes the gas stink your house up also CONTROLS BLOOD PRESSURE!!!

No kidding! I think we all know what that means–now, you can look forward to many, many more years of your husband’s fart-related antics. Aren’t you glad you read Husband Clothes today??? heheheheheheheh.

Very sweet. My husband calls us every night when he works out of town.

That is extremely UNcharacteristic of him, yet he’s always done this when he goes out of town. Even when he worked in Canada for four months, he found a way to call us almost every day (without spending a ton of money–I think I got an AT&T thing). He isn’t a stay-in-touch kind of guy. He has lots of old friends from other cities. They call him and leave messages. He likes his friends, but he never calls them. Then they call ME trying to see where he is and to leave messages. As you can probably imagine, it’s really irritating when they start leaving me messages about why my husband needs to call them back– as if I REALLY CARE.

He loves his mom, but he never calls her or emails her. Therefore she emails me trying to catch up on news. I’d be happy to fill her in if she could readjust her personality. But she ruined getting updates by being 1) way too mean, 2) way too bossy, and 3) way too unable to understand other people’s perspectives on things–not just mine, everyone’s. Sorry lady, you get no updates ever.  As a matter of fact, we correspond so infrequently that I am not 100% sure she’s still alive, but I assume if she weren’t, my husband would have mentioned it.

Oh, I shouldn’t have mentioned her. This could have turned into a neverending post! ANYWAY, point being, despite calling no one else, my husband calls us every day. Now THAT is sweet. He really treasures us.

Hi. My husband has turned our kitchen into a total FREAK SHOW.  It’s getting worse each day. I can no longer really even address it, because I’m trying to pretend it isn’t there. It’s too stressful to handle. The only thing that makes me feel calmer is to just stay the h*@# out of that kitchen.

This all started because my husband recently took up barbecuing, which results in SUCH GOOD FOOD. However, it results in my husband spending a LOT of time in the kitchen. It’s also causing him to venture into places he’s never gone before (such as the kitchen cupboard). I guess this is exciting him and giving him some kind of big zest for life because he’s doing ALL KINDS of crazy stuff.

Prime example: He took something as simple as a pair of transparent salt and pepper shakers, and he managed to make a horrendously embarrassing display of them. They are pictured above. This is not a fake photograph–I just got them in the state they were in and photographed them. This is not a case of one shaker was visible, and the other was tucked away, therefore someone accidentally filled them both with salt. Oh no, not in my freak show home.

Last night when I noticed that both the salt AND pepper shakers are full of salt, I naturally got extremely irritated and asked, “Honey, why isn’t there pepper in one of these?”

He looked up (as he marinaded tonight’s food), and said, “We don’t need pepper. I don’t even use it on my food.”

Don’t you enjoy that response? Doesn’t it say so much about my husband’s perspective on life and partnerships? Also, don’t you feel that having two shakers full of salt makes my family look classy, intelligent, and just generally sound of mind? THANKS. So do I.