Husband Clothes

This happened a few weeks ago. I have one visual symbol that I feel effectively communicates what I had to deal with that day, and it is posted above. These scissors are MY FAVORITE kitchen scissors. Oh, sorry, they WERE my favorite kitchen scissors. As you can see, however, something happened to them. Guess what that was.

The incident occurred on a day when we needed to mow. Surprisingly, that day began well despite the need for mowing part. (Usually on the days we need to mow, my husband and I almost get divorced due to his inability to help with that ONE JOB around the house.) But that particular morning, I said, “We need to mow.” And he just started getting the stuff to do it! I nearly fell into a shock-induced coma. However, I was quickly brought back into full, though perplexed, consciousness with the following 2 incidents:

1. After like 5 minutes, he says, “Alright! I’m all done mowing.” I thought, that seems way too fast, even considering the dinky size of our yard. So I go out to look. UM YEAH, figured it out–about 3 spots of grass had actually been CUT. All the rest of the grass was still 8 inches tall but LYING DOWN sideways. In short, almost nothing had even been mowed. I pointed this out, and he got an irritated look on his face and said, “Fine, I’ll mow again. But first I’m going to cut this tree back.” (Uh, correction: Omit the word “again,” Sweetie. But good idea to cut the tree back.)
2. After 10 more minutes, he came inside and said, “Well, I’m going to need to go to Home Depot.” I asked why. He held up my favorite kitchen scissors which were broken in half, and said, “Because these broke.” Apparently he had been trimming the TREE with them.

I said, “You tried to cute the TREE with my kitchen scissors???????”

His response: “Well, we don’t HAVE yard sheers. Plus those tree branches are not that big.” See. See how my life is? But that’s all fine now. I recuperated by asking myself, “Let’s pretend I am forced to choose between these. Which would be better?”:

a) a man who is a really kind husband and father but somehow breaks kitchen utensils while doing yardwork or

b) a man who could mow all of Iowa in a flash and not break a single kitchen utensil in the process, but who was mean to me and the children

Easy. I’d take the guy who’s really nice but breaks kitchen utensils while mowing. Not IDEAL, but an easy choice nevertheless. My life is pretty fun–just sometimes I have to consciously remind myself to laugh rather than cry. That’s fine.

I haven’t written in 10 days. Bad girl. Well, I can’t be that bad. Look at my reason for not writing:

He was born on Thursday. Not only is he the cutest little treasure I’ve ever seen, but his little newborn sighs, his sweet little baby scent, and his soft-as-rose petals skin…He is truly a slice of heaven. Plus, he looks identical to both of his brothers when they were born (though the older boys look very different now.)

As you can imagine, over the course of these 10 very important ones at that, numerous husband tales have accumulated. I have stories about really noticeable, dreadful-looking earthquake proofing that made our already quite ugly apartment even uglier (!). I have tales about my husband’s baby preparation advice and assistance (which resulted in nothing being ready for baby when baby came home–that was fun). I have other stories too. And photos. They’ll be posted soon.

Meanwhile, isn’t my newborn SWEET?????

Good story I can TOTALLY relate to. Why is it that husbands INSIST on being a hero for the coworker, the stranger, the plumber, whomever else…but not the wifey. And my VERY favorite is when the husband’s “heroism” is not even very helpful to anyone, PLUS creates problems for his wife and family.

Prime example: One couple had a horrendous situation with the bathroom. They discovered rotting wood under the floors–lots of fixing needed. Basically, the whole floor had to be taken up, as well as tiles in the shower, and one thing lead to another, and it just became a colossal mess. Well, this lady’s husband (unlike my dear ole’ hero) KNOWS how to do handy stuff. Wow. He can build, paint, put in screws correctly. I’m betting this guy can even drill without creating problems…AND lots of other handyman difficult stuff.

However, occasionally there’s a part or two this guy CAN’T do. In that case, they call in the pro’s. So, this rotting wood thing involved tasks her husband COULD do, as well as things he could NOT do.

The couple got the estimate for all the work. They agree on the total with the workers. I’m sure this was at least a few thousand dollars. Important detail: The total price includes ALL parts of the job. They can’t really say “Now, you stop at this point, and my husband will do that. Then you begin again at this point…” No, it’s pay–for-whole-job or workers-do-no-job.

Does everyone see this clear picture? The couple is getting the bathroom fixed. The worker doing it is all ready to do all these jobs and ALREADY PERFECTLY HAPPY WITH THE DEAL.

So, as the job progresses, everyone’s happy. The workers are doing a job they’re happy to have. The wife is happy the bathroom’s getting fixed. Then as the job comes near an end, the husband blurts out: “Oh, listen, don’t worry about putting stuff BACK–the hinges, light fixtures, and so on. I can do all that stuff.”

Does anyone out there understand WHY a person would do this? If so, please understand: There’s no reason for this type of thing. It’s NOT heroic. It’s actually not even helpful. In fact, now the job will end up taking more time, as one husband can’t possibly finish it up as quickly as the workers would have. Plus, the workers think the husband is WEIRD because the workers would NEVER pay for a job at their home, then do half of it. Please. No one would. Except this poor lady’s husband. Or my husband or your husband perhaps.

But so many husbands DO stuff like this–there has to be some mutual guy understanding that I don’t get. Like, maybe the guy thinks paying for a job then doing half of it himself makes him look wealthy? Or makes him look generous (to other guys)?

I can tell you one thing for sure, to his wife, this looks neither wealthy nor generous. It looks dumb, expensive, and highly irritating. Why? This guy’s “heroism” is now keeping him working in the bathroom to “save the workers” (who now think he’s weird), while wifey needed help watching their child, cooking dinner, cleaning, and hey, maybe even talking or MAYBE even hanky panky, Buddy. Seriously what was he thinking????

I have been really freaking out about getting shelves put into our storage closet. Currently everything is piled up in these horrible piles…I have to get organized for the baby. (Please let this somehow happen before the baby is born.) I wanted my husband to help get shelves and put them in the closet, but come on. I’d gotten to the point where I almost got him to rent a truck, go to Home Depot or IKEA to pick them up. See, but then I’d need to HIRE someone to assemble them.

Why, you might ask? Why hire? Do it yourself. Well, I can’t–I’m just a failure at stuff like that. Then you might ask, why? Why can’t your husband put them together?

Oh, he WOULD put them “together” alright. Then he will try to hide a handful of unused parts–important things like brackets that should be used to hold the shelves up.

Then I’d ask, “Why didn’t you use that bracket?”

Here’s his actual response to this question from the past, “Oh, that part’s dumb. Don’t need it.”

Then the shelf will immediately fall over on me.

OH, and let’s not forget that because we neglect to use all of the parts, we need to replace them with other things. For example, my husband sometimes chooses (because he believes parts are a choice, a matter of opinion if you will) to use nails rather than screws. Or in a “desperate” situation, he will tie things together with cords rather than simply using the screws. Why does he do this? I have no idea. Why doesn’t he understand that this is dangerous and wastes our money? I have no idea.

UGH. Just thinking about it freaks me out. But, as you may have noticed, I’m having a lucky week. And guess what happened. A friend who is a builder, a real one, professional for 5 or 7 years or something crazy. He knows about every type of wood–even things like birch. He knows all about stains. He knows everything. He doesn’t use cords to tie stuff together either. Well, HE offered to build my shelves!!! For less than I’d pay to purchase them at IKEA.

Then he BUILT them. Do you understand that he used the cheapest wood, yet these shelves look like I got the most expensive shelves Thomasville had to offer? How did this happen to little ole (oh, little ole beachball rather) me??? I’m so darn happy  that I really can’t adequately express my joy right now.

PS. I realize I’m banned from saying bad things for 2 days due to husband’s heroic ventures into late night pharmacies and knight in shining armor gesture of opening the car door for me. But I don’t see this post as saying bad things about my husband–I see it more as me making fun of furniture in my home. Don’t you agree?

So, what happens after I mow the lawn on Sunday? My husband made the situation about 80 times more volatile by purchasing and assembling the patio furniture he’s been dreaming of. Why didn’t I accompany him to the store??? This is a question that might haunt me for the rest of my life.

First of all, we have no patio. We have concrete squares I (of course) laid out and intended to put a very small table and chairs on top of at some point.

Oh, but no. My husband found a table at Costco that he’s been talking about for weeks. It sounded pretty bad. White plastic, round, round bench attached under the table. But the bench OPENS for easy sitting. This didn’t tempt me in any way whatsoever to spend the $200 this table apparently cost us.

But he kept talking and talking about it. Finally I thought, okay, it’s going to look HORRIFIC. But let’s just take a look, and then he can return it for a refund. I mean, it sounds like something you’d see in a school cafeteria or fastfood restaurant, but how bad can it be? And how big could it possibly be? Our yard is small, but he promises the table is small too. Worst case scenario, he’ll take it back to the store.

Um, no he can’t. It took him 4 hours to put that piece of crap together. He said it was so big that he had to take it out of the box in order to get it into the car. No box + 4 hours to disassemble + my husband is SO IN LOVE with the table = there is NO WAY on earth he’s returning this thing.

Please, take a look at the photo of this thing and tell me: Does this table look “great” in our yard? Would you want to climb over those benches to try to sit down? Let’s be generous and lower the bar a little: Does this table look acceptable for any home-related use?

I suspect you will say “No, it does not, Holly. It does not.” But I’m very curious. Tell me your opinion.

PS. Perhaps I’m being a LITTLE sassy by putting the table in the corner so that it stands crookedly, half on grass, half on concrete stairs. But I don’t want it to kill all that grass. Plus, in the corner, I can’t see it when I look out the windows, which helps my mood.

Last weekend was the first weekend we got to see my husband in over a month! And, ironically, the weekend was HORRIBLE. Saturday was pretty uneventful. My husband slept till 3pm, which was extremely irritating, but I was able to do my work without his help, got it all done, and moved onto Sunday.

Sunday we had much to do. And I had told my husband this on Saturday night. We have to get things arranged for the baby–he’s due in 6 weeks. As many people know, but apparently my husband does NOT know, women who are 8.5 months pregnant are not supposed to climb on high ladders, lift heavy things, or mow in 105 degree weather.

Hm. I just posted a whole long story about why I had to mow yesterday while my husband sat inside. It wasn’t interesting, and despite that my husband is a wonderful man, that story would convince you otherwise. Therefore, I’m going to let you know up front: He wanted to mow for ONCE but insisted on doing it at 6pm.

But see , I’m 8.5 months pregnant and had a trillion things I needed my husband’s help with yesterday, namely going to Costco by 6pm (when it closes)–with husband, per mucho heavy lifting. So, it’s not in any way going to work out to start mowing at 6pm–not even in a parallel universe. It’s not even going to work to mow at 3pm. And as we all know, MY HUSBAND CAN’T DO A DARN THING BEFORE 3PM.

So I got REALLY pissed off, and mowed at 12. I can’t even talk about it any further without breaking something really expensive that my husband owns. I almost divorced him on Sunday over this. I am not sure how I thought that’d work out with the baby due in 6 weeks, but somehow I felt it would be fine.

ANYWAY, my husband now claims that I didn’t explain the Costco 6pm,  million errands I needed his help with thing (though I clearly remember explaining it about 5 times before I mowed in a REALLY loud voice–even all of our neighbors heard it, that’s how loud my voice was, and I was yelling about it as I mowed. So I’m not sure how my husband missed that. After all, he was sitting on the couch in the living room, which is divided from the yard only by a screen door, which is very easy to hear through.)

But in his defense, he did BELIEVE he intended to mow at 6pm and he does BELIEVE I failed to explain why that wasn’t going to work out.

Whatever. The lawn is now mowed. We are not divorced. That is a miracle, but it is true. I am still kind of fantasizing about moving to my Granny’s house and having a homestead with a big garden, cows, pigs, chickens, and never seeing my jerk husband again. And marrying a really hot country guy who ALWAYS mows and NEVER wears a shirt and who …

Sorry, gotta stop. I now need to write one additional post, which will include a somewhat hideous photo (in my opinion), and which unfortunately also relates to the lawn.

Sunday we invited my husband’s friends over–two couples. Both, like us, somewhat new to the Los Angeles area. I fixed a HUGE spread. No joke–8 dishes. Intricate foods. And it was all good. Even King Picky Himself (my husband) complimented the food 3 times. I couldn’t believe it. So–you see all the work I put into that fun evening. And what, might you ask, did my husband contribute?

Well, what he did NOT contribute were nails–nails into my favorite living room shelf that has a back that fell off. Yes, it just fell off. I don’t know how, but it looks really stupid and embarrassing. See for yourself:

I even got nails for him! I got nails and gave them to my husband (and his hammer) and said really hurriedly, as I was in the middle of cooking the 8 dishes–”Please, please, please nail the back to the shelf, ok??? The company can NOT see this.

He says “Oh, yeah, I’ll do that in just a second.” The man was standing right by the shelf with nails AND a hammer in his hand, people. Six hours later, the food is ready, company knocks, back of shelf still sitting there, behind but kind of far away from the shelf.

As if this weren’t enough, OF COURSE, the company ended up in the living room congregated around the shelf, rather than in the dining room/kitchen area where only the side of the shelf would have been visible. (Just in case my husband is spying on my blog as I suspect he might be–THANKS a LOT for fixing the shelf like you promised.)

**Need to buy your guy a gift? Visit the Husband Clothes gift store here.**

I’m just reminiscing about ways my husband ruined our old place and really hoping he doesn’t do the same things in the new one. Look at these pretty little photos I took around the holidays last year. Isn’t our living room nice and cozy? Isn’t it? Look at my shelf. Isn’t it cute? Well, not anymore. Here’s why:

#1: Ill-placed Speakers
Come on. Who would put a speaker up high, by a curtain, smack in the center of a living room wall? Yes, my husband would and DID. He wanted surround sound for our TV. Well, he sure got it.

#2: Lap Top “Holders” (aka, curtain rod holders drilled into a shelf)
See these metal things my husband drilled into our living room shelf? SEE EM?! Know what they are? They are things he was supposed to use to put up our curtain rod. Perhaps this is the reason our curtain rods are so unsteady. Know why they’re there? I quote my husband’s words: “to hold my laptop in place.” (Notice: there’s no laptop on this shelf.)

Ever seen doodads like this hanging around your living room? I hope not.

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Is my husband handy around the house? Observe this little photo of a very simple 3 part lamp he assembled for us, and you tell me.

You may be thinking to yourself, “Oh, it was probably broken when they got it.” If only it had been…if only it had been. No, it wasn’t broken when it arrived and could still be returned for a REFUND. It was broken when my husband put it “together.”

This isn’t the only thing he has ruined around our house. It’s only the beginning. I have so many objects I could photograph. Others that are kind of dangerous and quickly come to mind:

1. There is a screw sticking up through the top of my children’s dresser–the sharp part of the screw was sticking up vertically toward the ceiling. (Until I hammered it flat.) It’s in the dead center–there’s not even anything there to hold, no reason for a screw to even be in that area of the dresser. Yet, there it is.

2. There are many disturbing sites under the top bunk of my children’s bunk bed, such as screws that protrude out at a distance of 1-4 extra inches. There is actually one screw that sticks out by 4 extra inches (compared to screws in similar parts of the underside of the bed that don’t stick out at all). By the way, is it even called a “screw” when it’s 4 inches long? I bet not. Does anyone know how to pry that thing out of there? It’s also bent over so as to be “safe.” I don’t know how he got it in there, much less how he bent the thing over. I swear, it’s diameter is nearly as thick as a dime. That’s fine–I wrapped cloth around it. Lots of it. It looks frightening but it’s safe now.

I love my husband. But his handywork makes me very sad.