Help husband. Help husband quickly, especially when he tries to go shopping.

Funny–I was JUST about to write a post about how much fun we had last weekend! He acted SO NORMAL. He did normal things! He didn’t dress normally, but that’s to be expected. He wore a beige fleece sweatshirt with these really thin black sweatpants the whole weekend–and I almost certain these “sweatpants” are actually a pair of long johns. He thinks he has people fooled–but not me. But I have our three young boys to keep up with, so hey, if my husband wants to wear long johns in public, more power to him.

Yeah, so I was going to post how normal he acted (other than the long johns). Oh, also he totally forgot to buy me a Christmas present. However, I also forgot to buy him one, so we cancelled each other out on that one. Not much to complain about. We’re just not present people–it was a little irritating though when he said, “Did you buy me something?” and I asked, “No why?” And like the spoiled husband he is, he replied, “Thank goodness. You never buy the right things.” Precisely. That’s why I stopped trying. And he never started trying, so as I said, that’s fine. Thank heaven I have so few expectations–clearly expectations would create issues in our marriage. (hahahah!!! good one!)

SO, wasn’t I trying to say something about how normal he acted? Well, forget that. But we did have a GREAT time!!! However, there is a reason this post is titled “Help Husband When Shopping”…Today he went to the store again. He calls me on the phone as I’m tucking the boys into bed. He says, “You will never BELIEVE what I found!”

I get all excited, “What! What did you find!? Is it for me?” That was such a dumb question. But the response was soooo much dumber.

“Yes, it’s for all of us! It’s a HAMMOCK.” Uuuuhhhhhh, our “backyard” is only like 10 by 10. We have no front or side yard. Where does he think the hammock is going to go? I was already annoyed.

So I explained, “Honey, a hammock isn’t going to fit in our yard AT ALL. Don’t buy it.” I didn’t mention the obvious fact that we don’t NEED a hammock, our boys could seriously injure themselves on a hammock, and I hate hammocks because I fall out of them but keep trying to lie down in them regardless. For this reason they negatively affect my self-esteem.

Then he said: “That’s okay. We don’t have to put it in the yard. It’s the kind of hammock you can stand up on its own.” Hu? Oh good. So, you mean we can put it anywhere? Like the living room? Or the kitchen? I have a better idea–how about the stairs? Because I can’t think of another area in our extremely small apartment where we could FIT A HAMMOCK. See why I said to help my husband? Man, glad I nipped that one in the bud.

See this photo. Does it look a little ODD? Can you even guess what the purple and yellow stuff in the vase is? (Well, probably, due to the title of this post). This is a photo of flowers.

Some of you may be thinking “AWWW, Holly’s husband got her flowers, and she’s being all picky about them.” No–trust me, on the extremely rare occasions that my husband buys me flowers, remembers my birthday, or does romantic things like these, I am totally grateful (though shocked).

No, these flowers were from my DAD! He brought them over on Thanksgiving! I was shuffling around the kitchen, fixing turkey, fixing boiled potatoes (which I had to convert to mashed potatoes, then had to unexpectedly ask one of our guests to make gravy–OOPS, rude I know, but otherwise the turkey would have caught on fire–long story!).

Because I was working furiously to finish Thanksgiving dinner, set the table, keep the kids out of the kitchen and away from the hot stove, mind the stuff that was cooking on every burner, plus in the oven…because I was busy with all of these things, I asked my husband to “take care of” the flowers.

This photo is what I got. I guess I didn’t realize how complex “taking care of the flowers” really is. Not only must you cut the stems. You must also REMOVE the paper and plastic around the flowers.

To wrap it up: When I’m desperately in need of a helping hand due to furious cooking and millions of things to do, THIS is what happens! All that said, it was AWESOME to have him home for Thanksgiving! We’re so excited that his out-of-town job is ending soon!

Side note: To enhance your viewing pleasure just a little more, take a look at the odd little black thing along the metal bar slightly below the flowers. Take a wild guess what that might be. (Hint: My husband stuck it there because he felt it would “protect us.”) Okay, okay I’ll tell you. That’s my husband’s way of earthquake proofing the dining room. Oh, you say, that little thing couldn’t possibly hold that shelf up in an earthquake–it looks like a fragile twistwire. Like the kind you might close a bag of bread with.

Well, that’s because this IS a twistwire. Oh but don’t worry because it would protect us for sure because it is BOLTED to our dining room wall! (Don’t you know, the important thing is that it’s bolted–he material you use doesn’t really matter. This is true because my husband said so, and I think we all know he is clearly the authority on earthquake proofing homes.) Finally, isn’t it amazing how my husband managed to keep the twistwire in FULL view despite how SMALL (and weak) it is?

This happened a few weeks ago. I have one visual symbol that I feel effectively communicates what I had to deal with that day, and it is posted above. These scissors are MY FAVORITE kitchen scissors. Oh, sorry, they WERE my favorite kitchen scissors. As you can see, however, something happened to them. Guess what that was.

The incident occurred on a day when we needed to mow. Surprisingly, that day began well despite the need for mowing part. (Usually on the days we need to mow, my husband and I almost get divorced due to his inability to help with that ONE JOB around the house.) But that particular morning, I said, “We need to mow.” And he just started getting the stuff to do it! I nearly fell into a shock-induced coma. However, I was quickly brought back into full, though perplexed, consciousness with the following 2 incidents:

1. After like 5 minutes, he says, “Alright! I’m all done mowing.” I thought, that seems way too fast, even considering the dinky size of our yard. So I go out to look. UM YEAH, figured it out–about 3 spots of grass had actually been CUT. All the rest of the grass was still 8 inches tall but LYING DOWN sideways. In short, almost nothing had even been mowed. I pointed this out, and he got an irritated look on his face and said, “Fine, I’ll mow again. But first I’m going to cut this tree back.” (Uh, correction: Omit the word “again,” Sweetie. But good idea to cut the tree back.)
2. After 10 more minutes, he came inside and said, “Well, I’m going to need to go to Home Depot.” I asked why. He held up my favorite kitchen scissors which were broken in half, and said, “Because these broke.” Apparently he had been trimming the TREE with them.

I said, “You tried to cute the TREE with my kitchen scissors???????”

His response: “Well, we don’t HAVE yard sheers. Plus those tree branches are not that big.” See. See how my life is? But that’s all fine now. I recuperated by asking myself, “Let’s pretend I am forced to choose between these. Which would be better?”:

a) a man who is a really kind husband and father but somehow breaks kitchen utensils while doing yardwork or

b) a man who could mow all of Iowa in a flash and not break a single kitchen utensil in the process, but who was mean to me and the children

Easy. I’d take the guy who’s really nice but breaks kitchen utensils while mowing. Not IDEAL, but an easy choice nevertheless. My life is pretty fun–just sometimes I have to consciously remind myself to laugh rather than cry. That’s fine.

He was born on Thursday. Not only is he the cutest little treasure I’ve ever seen, but his little newborn sighs, his sweet little baby scent, and his soft-as-rose petals skin…He is truly a slice of heaven. Plus, he looks identical to both of his brothers when they were born (though the older boys look very different now.)

As you can imagine, over the course of these 10 very important ones at that, numerous husband tales have accumulated. I have stories about really noticeable, dreadful-looking earthquake proofing that made our already quite ugly apartment even uglier (!). I have tales about my husband’s baby preparation advice and assistance (which resulted in nothing being ready for baby when baby came home–that was fun). I have other stories too. And photos. They’ll be posted soon.

Meanwhile, isn’t my newborn SWEET?????

Prime example: One couple had a horrendous situation with the bathroom. They discovered rotting wood under the floors–lots of fixing needed. Basically, the whole floor had to be taken up, as well as tiles in the shower, and one thing lead to another, and it just became a colossal mess. Well, this lady’s husband (unlike my dear ole’ hero) KNOWS how to do handy stuff. Wow. He can build, paint, put in screws correctly. I’m betting this guy can even drill without creating problems…AND lots of other handyman difficult stuff.

However, occasionally there’s a part or two this guy CAN’T do. In that case, they call in the pro’s. So, this rotting wood thing involved tasks her husband COULD do, as well as things he could NOT do.

The couple got the estimate for all the work. They agree on the total with the workers. I’m sure this was at least a few thousand dollars. Important detail: The total price includes ALL parts of the job. They can’t really say “Now, you stop at this point, and my husband will do that. Then you begin again at this point…” No, it’s pay–for-whole-job or workers-do-no-job.

Does everyone see this clear picture? The couple is getting the bathroom fixed. The worker doing it is all ready to do all these jobs and ALREADY PERFECTLY HAPPY WITH THE DEAL.

So, as the job progresses, everyone’s happy. The workers are doing a job they’re happy to have. The wife is happy the bathroom’s getting fixed. Then as the job comes near an end, the husband blurts out: “Oh, listen, don’t worry about putting stuff BACK–the hinges, light fixtures, and so on. I can do all that stuff.”

Does anyone out there understand WHY a person would do this? If so, please understand: There’s no reason for this type of thing. It’s NOT heroic. It’s actually not even helpful. In fact, now the job will end up taking more time, as one husband can’t possibly finish it up as quickly as the workers would have. Plus, the workers think the husband is WEIRD because the workers would NEVER pay for a job at their home, then do half of it. Please. No one would. Except this poor lady’s husband. Or my husband or your husband perhaps.

But so many husbands DO stuff like this–there has to be some mutual guy understanding that I don’t get. Like, maybe the guy thinks paying for a job then doing half of it himself makes him look wealthy? Or makes him look generous (to other guys)?

I can tell you one thing for sure, to his wife, this looks neither wealthy nor generous. It looks dumb, expensive, and highly irritating. Why? This guy’s “heroism” is now keeping him working in the bathroom to “save the workers” (who now think he’s weird), while wifey needed help watching their child, cooking dinner, cleaning, and hey, maybe even talking or MAYBE even hanky panky, Buddy. Seriously what was he thinking????