I have set a non-blogging record. I think it has been over a month since I’ve posted. Oh, life is crazy! But fun and good. I’m trying new things—-quite ambitious things. So ambitious, in fact, that I’m embarrassed to tell you what they are.  BUT I will definitely let you know if I succeed. If I fail, however, I will make up a lie that isn’t as embarrassing as the truth, and I’ll post that…No, I don’t like to lie on my blog. Only in person. (Hahahahah! So funny…) So anyway, if I never bring up these big, ambitious things I’m trying, you can probably assume that I failed. And in that case, don’t worry, I’m tougher than I look.

And now, let’s move onto the topic of other people’s failures…

Recently, my beautiful little 5 year old started kindergarten. Little guy…The school hosted a 30 minute Meet and Greet for kindergartners the week before school.  Parents brought the students in so they could see their classroom, meet the teacher, and learn about the rules prior to their first REAL day of school. Pretty good idea!

Yep, pretty good idea. And seemingly pretty easy! Unfortunately, I had to make an unexpected trip out of town–and the Meet and Greet fell within that time period. So my husband had to take care of it. I was worried they wouldn’t make it–but they did! My son called me talking about how nice it was, what they’d use to color, and that he made three new friends right then and there. I was relieved. I knew he felt fine about going the next week. All seemed to have gone well.

For the first day of school, I needed to know the teacher’s name to help my son find her room. Of COURSE my husband couldn’t remember. (There’s no excuse for that–it’s just dumb.) So I called the school to ask, and they gave me her name and room number.

I took my son on the first day. We lined up with the other parents. We were at the very back of the line. I noticed the teacher was making her way back to say hello to everyone once again–nice for me since I’d never met her. Then she gets back, shakes my hand, says hello and asks if she’d met us–I explained that I had not been able to go to the Meet and Greet. After we spoke briefly, she went on to speak with the family behind us.

At that point, my son asked, “Who’s THAT?”

I explained that this is his new teacher. His response: “No she’s not. I met my teacher, and that’s not her!”

I double checked the room number, and my notes from the office. They all matched up…Well, it didn’t take too long for me to figure out what happened–my husband took my son to the WRONG teacher’s room…So much for getting our little student warmed up before the big first day!

I want a Nintendo DSi bundle for my birthday. Last year my husband got “me” one of those video cameras you can use to quickly upload videos onto YouTube. (Actually that was for himself, and he didn’t try very hard to hide it, but I also use it, so I don’t care.) He’s not using my DSi though, and he’d better remember my birthday. That video camera, by the way, came like 2 months after my birthday. Thank goodness I’m not big on birthdays or anniversaries–here’s how it went when I tired to remind my husband that my birthday’s coming up:

I was talking to my husband over the weekend and said something like “I can’t wait for my birthday!” He looked seriously confused. So I repeated it and opened my eyes really widely (and a little angrily) as I emphasized the word birthday.

It made no difference. He still looked really confused and said, “You already had your birthday this year.” OH MY GOSH. NO I DIDN’T. That was our 10th anniversary!!! SO ANNOYING. There is just no excuse for that.

But I am not an expert on birthdays. On my Facebook page, I put an incorrect birthday to fake out any stalkers or nosy strangers. (Currently no one, and I do mean not a single soul, is trying to find information about me via Facebook or any other means for that matter. But you never know. I could have a stalker one day–and if I do, he or she will be totally baffled at my ability to fake him or her out. Don’t play with fire people.)

ANYWAY, so I faked out the would-be stalkers, but also my whole family and all of my friends. They all already wished me a happy birthday months ago, and  I was too embarrassed to tell them about this little “error” I made, and obviously explaining why would be far too embarrassing to get into.

Usually I don’t really notice my birthday, but this year I’m really excited. I’m not sure why!

See this photo. Does it look a little ODD? Can you even guess what the purple and yellow stuff in the vase is? (Well, probably, due to the title of this post). This is a photo of flowers.

Some of you may be thinking “AWWW, Holly’s husband got her flowers, and she’s being all picky about them.” No–trust me, on the extremely rare occasions that my husband buys me flowers, remembers my birthday, or does romantic things like these, I am totally grateful (though shocked).

No, these flowers were from my DAD! He brought them over on Thanksgiving! I was shuffling around the kitchen, fixing turkey, fixing boiled potatoes (which I had to convert to mashed potatoes, then had to unexpectedly ask one of our guests to make gravy–OOPS, rude I know, but otherwise the turkey would have caught on fire–long story!).

Because I was working furiously to finish Thanksgiving dinner, set the table, keep the kids out of the kitchen and away from the hot stove, mind the stuff that was cooking on every burner, plus in the oven…because I was busy with all of these things, I asked my husband to “take care of” the flowers.

This photo is what I got. I guess I didn’t realize how complex “taking care of the flowers” really is. Not only must you cut the stems. You must also REMOVE the paper and plastic around the flowers.

To wrap it up: When I’m desperately in need of a helping hand due to furious cooking and millions of things to do, THIS is what happens! All that said, it was AWESOME to have him home for Thanksgiving! We’re so excited that his out-of-town job is ending soon!

Side note: To enhance your viewing pleasure just a little more, take a look at the odd little black thing along the metal bar slightly below the flowers. Take a wild guess what that might be. (Hint: My husband stuck it there because he felt it would “protect us.”) Okay, okay I’ll tell you. That’s my husband’s way of earthquake proofing the dining room. Oh, you say, that little thing couldn’t possibly hold that shelf up in an earthquake–it looks like a fragile twistwire. Like the kind you might close a bag of bread with.

Well, that’s because this IS a twistwire. Oh but don’t worry because it would protect us for sure because it is BOLTED to our dining room wall! (Don’t you know, the important thing is that it’s bolted–he material you use doesn’t really matter. This is true because my husband said so, and I think we all know he is clearly the authority on earthquake proofing homes.) Finally, isn’t it amazing how my husband managed to keep the twistwire in FULL view despite how SMALL (and weak) it is?

But even on his hottest days, he’s still HIM. Part of being him means that he hasn’t done laundry in the entire month he’s been gone. Why? Well, he can’t figure out how to use the laundry card (which cost us $20) in the apartment they stuck him in. Hey–I’ve heard using some laundry cards is as complicated as driving a 747. HA HA. No I haven’t. (Oops, that was quite an unfunny joke–very similar to the kind my husband tells…)

ANYWAY,  not being able to figure out how to use the laundry card is not the end of this story, nor the dumbest part of it.

Like a college student, my husband packed up his dirty laundry and intended to bring it home for me to clean. (This is probably the real reason he visited us, and not because he “missed” us as he claimed.) As I mentioned, he’s been there for a month–so we’re not talking a little laundry. We’re talking, a whole huge bag full.

Did you notice how I said “intended to bring it home”? Yes. So, he says he put the clothes in a white bag right before he drove down. And he filled the car up with gas for the trip. And he bought some snacks for the drive down. And he took out his trash, which was also in a white bag. Isn’t that a funny coincidence?

Well, it certainly is. Because what he did was throw away two white bags–one of them contained trash. The other contained his laundry.

I don’t know about YOU, but after three months of unemployment (for BOTH of us), I can really think of NO better way to spend about $300 than on clothing that my husband threw in the garbage by accident. But that’s all fine. Don’t worry bout me. I love spending hundreds of dollars for no reason. I do. Especially after three months of unemployment. Really, I like all of that a lot.

Hi. My husband has turned our kitchen into a total FREAK SHOW.  It’s getting worse each day. I can no longer really even address it, because I’m trying to pretend it isn’t there. It’s too stressful to handle. The only thing that makes me feel calmer is to just stay the h*@# out of that kitchen.

This all started because my husband recently took up barbecuing, which results in SUCH GOOD FOOD. However, it results in my husband spending a LOT of time in the kitchen. It’s also causing him to venture into places he’s never gone before (such as the kitchen cupboard). I guess this is exciting him and giving him some kind of big zest for life because he’s doing ALL KINDS of crazy stuff.

Prime example: He took something as simple as a pair of transparent salt and pepper shakers, and he managed to make a horrendously embarrassing display of them. They are pictured above. This is not a fake photograph–I just got them in the state they were in and photographed them. This is not a case of one shaker was visible, and the other was tucked away, therefore someone accidentally filled them both with salt. Oh no, not in my freak show home.

Last night when I noticed that both the salt AND pepper shakers are full of salt, I naturally got extremely irritated and asked, “Honey, why isn’t there pepper in one of these?”

He looked up (as he marinaded tonight’s food), and said, “We don’t need pepper. I don’t even use it on my food.”

Don’t you enjoy that response? Doesn’t it say so much about my husband’s perspective on life and partnerships? Also, don’t you feel that having two shakers full of salt makes my family look classy, intelligent, and just generally sound of mind? THANKS. So do I.