Husband Clothes

I‘d like to share a little about my husband’s behavior while he’s sick. First, he believes you MUST be extremely warm to heal from a cold. Therefore he wears a beanie at all times while sick. That’s correct. This includes during summer, in public, and while he sleeps. He pulls it way down over his eyes. He stays in bed with the covers pulled up to his nose. Oh, he also leaves wads of toilet paper in his nose. Please see the visual I created using a Spiderman doll that looks exactly like husband while sick–except there are no nostrils into which I can stuff toilet paper wads–try to imagine that part:

Does this look frightening to you? My standards are so low at this point that it almost looks normal to me now. I even go out in public with him looking like this in the summer. Sure, it’s embarrassing when people stare, but at those moments, I convincingly pretend to be alone. No one knows. And besides, they walk away so quickly when they see him coming.

Oh, there’s also the way he ACTS when he has a cold. He can’t breath. His head hurts so badly he can’t move–even in dire emergencies, like when something’s burning on the stove downstairs, and one of the kids starts screaming as if injured upstairs. See how one person (me) can’t handle both incidents effectively, but two people could? Too bad. My husband can’t move. He has a COLD (also known as “possible kidney infection”).

I think the most annoying is that when I am sick, of course, he thinks I’m faking it and totally ignores me. I hope I never die while I have a cold, because if I do, I will remain that way unchecked on for quite some time. I find that extremely irritating.

I have heard that many guys have trouble handling colds. It would be very encouraging to hear that they also wear beanies, leave toilet paper up their noses, and ignore their wives’ colds completely. This would mean that my husband is perfectly normal after all.

What a nice way to start the day. Our bathroom sink has been stopped up for three days. A plumber visited and will visit again today. Luckily, the water drains out, but it takes a really long time. (So, at least we don’t have a sink full of dirty water as we wait for the plumber. And we have been waiting since the weekend–there were a few failed attempts at fixing it.)

So um, my husband shaved his Grizzly Adams beard off this morning. Yeah, and guess where all of the hoards of shaved off hair went? That’s right–in the sink (yes, my husband knows the plumbing in the sink is stopped up).

So, when I woke up and opened my eyes, I was looking directly through the hallway into the bathroom at my husband trying to plunge the hair down the sink drain. Good idea or no? And of course, the sink took much, much longer to drain this time. Plus it was full of dirty water with lots of hair.

Thank goodness, another plumber is coming within the hour. I’m so happy that he will probably yell at me about all of the hair that appeared in the drain since his last visit. Nevertheless, can’t wait.

This might scare you a lot. If it does, imagine how I felt as the mother of this poor boy. (Let me mention beforehand that throughout the month following this “haircut,” my son didn’t know anything was wrong because everyone around him was EXTREMELY nice and attentive. It was a pity thing. They thought my son either had strange parents, was really ill, or something of this nature).

Basically my husband was dying to give my son a CREW CUT and finally talked me into it. I’m not sure why this was so important to him. My husband is not in the military, so that’s not it. I love the crew cut look–that would have been great! However, take a look at the two photos below: 1) son with normal hair, then 2) son with “crew cut.”

I’m not sure why or how this happened, but quick question: DOES THAT LOOK LIKE A CREW CUT TO YOU? What I am sure about, though, is that people (as in STRANGERS) would GASP when they saw my son in public. This lasted for 2 entire weeks. By the third week, the hair began to grow back, but people still gave us pity looks for a long time.

I can also add proudly (hahahah, so funny) that my husband must have learned from this experience because it happened 4 years ago, and he has never mentioned cutting the boys’ hair again. (Oh, and yes, he definitely knew it looked horrible and felt very bad. Had he not realized there was a problem, this site would not exist because I would have done a very quicky type divorce, “you take everything honey, I’ll save the kids” type thing.)

There is a disturbingly uncanny phenomenon that happens in our home about once every 4-6 weeks. I clean the bathroom big-time about once each month. (YES, that’s rare. SORRY. But that isn’t the disturbing part.) I’m talking about the Ajax comes out, tub gets scrubbed, floor and baseboards–it all gets a major overhaul. It takes like 4 hours. That bathroom sparkles and shines when I’m done, and it feels like spring every time I walk into that bathroom.

Here’s where things get psychic (or mean). It just so happens that my husband SHAVES about once every 4-6 weeks (hence his similarity to Grizzly Adams described here, till he shaves and is bald again.) SO, how is it that for each time he has shaved during our 9 years of marriage, he chooses the morning after my 4-hour bathroom scrub down? To be sure the psychic element is clear, I want to phrase this very precisely: When I don’t clean the bathroom, my husband doesn’t shave. When I DO clean the bathroom, my husband DOES shave the very next morning. For 9 years, he has done this like clockwork.

It may be important to mention that for the small, in between bathroom cleanings (Windex on the sink, mopping around the toilet–hi, 3 guys live here, gross), the shaving does not occur. Lazyhusby, are you out there? Please tell me why this happens. But I’m not feeling picky here–any husby (husband), just tell me why you think this takes place. Is my husband psychic? Is he just mean? Or is this some type of subconscious thing, kind of like right after you change the kitty litter, kitty immediately must let it rip…?

PS. I just realized, I may need to clarify for guy readers: The reason this is ironic is because hair on multiple surfaces is very difficult to clean up. Therefore, each time you shave, a pretty major bathroom cleaning must follow. (Yes, I know, you “clean it yourself.” But I think it’s safe to say that most ladies have to finish the job off. And by “finish off,” I mean “redo completely.”) Please note that your efforts do make the job easier and are greatly appreciated, which is probably why you don’t get griped at much for this, despite that it’s irritating. It’s just kind of an irritating fact of life that’s not your fault.

P.S.S. Every heard of “vacuum electric shavers”? Well, you need to. Here’s one below–4 stars, 190 customer reviews. Looks like a winner. I’m buying one.

Is this not true: during long-term relationships and marriage, men basically maintain the same ideas they always had, except they become more and more convinced of them. Sometimes, this becomes a downhill spiral, and misconceptions can spin totally out of control. For example, a guy believes Misconception #2 below while dating. But then after a long-term relationship or during marriage, this misconception mutates into “I’m amazing. My breath never smells, and I don’t even brush my teeth.” Guys and girls, feel free to add to this list, or to dispute items on it–I will consider any feedback as a learning experience. Also, each item on the list is based on guys who actually exist (several are, of course, based on my husband).

Misconception #1: No one notices if my clothes are wrinkled, as long as they match.

Truth: Everyone notices, and it makes you look lazy. If they don’t match, you look even worse. Need help? Ask your girlfriend or read GQ. Please tell me you know what I mean by “GQ.”

Misconception #2: My breath smells the same no matter what I eat. I know, because I test it by breathing into my hand.

Truth: Please. Research has proven that even people with severe halitosis can’t detect it using their hand. You can either get a professional test or save your money and trust me. You need to chew gum and brush before speaking at close range, especially after eating onions, garlic, and meat. Thanks.

Misconception #3: No one knows how often I shower and shave. My deodorant smells good, and my beard looks like it’s scruffy on purpose.

Truth: EVERYONE knows. When people don’t shower, their faces look slightly dirty yet shiny. I can’t really explain it—but I know it when I see it, and so do all other girls. Unshaven scruffy look? Uh, I realize that was popular at some point in the last few decades, but it’s not popular in this decade. So this whole “on purpose” thing—not fooling anyone.

Misconception #4: I don’t need to adjust my hair this morning! My morning hair looks like I already fixed it because of the matted look that’s in style now.

Truth: I worked with at least five guys who thought this. I can’t even begin to express to you how stupid they looked when they came to work with their morning hair thinking people didn’t know the difference. I still have nightmares about their hair. DUMB. Read closely: The slightly matted look requires wetting, combing, gel, and a little skill—and it has to be totally clean (not dirty, as was with idiot guys I worked with). Also, this look is on its way out, so there’s no reason to be talking about it anyway.

Misconception #5: Lots of people have visible nose hair and ear hair. That’s normal.

Truth: No. Very few people have visible nose and ear hair, and those who do usually get laughed at behind their backs. If you have this issue, consider doing something about it quickly. I am sure your girlfriend or wife will help you research what to do–and she will hurry because this is important. [Update: I couldn’t handle it–I already researched it for you–there’s a link below to ear/nose hair trimmers. Some below $10. Buy one.]

Misconception #6: It’s okay to punch extra holes in my belt, as long as I am careful.

Truth: This is never okay. It looks stupid. Everyone can tell you did it yourself.

Misconception #7: This stain is not at all noticeable, even close up.

Truth: Come on. Stains are clearly visible, and they make you look dirty. Tip: figure out how to clean it, or throw it in the garbage.

Misconception #8: I’m a guy with long hair. It looks cool and sexy.

Truth: When guys have long hair, it is usually damaged and unclean, plus they tend to swing it, which makes them look self-absorbed and insecure. Yes, it is possible for long hair on guys to be cool and sexy, but for this to happen, you need to wash, trim, and brush it often. Do you? If not, your long hair is not the chic magnet you think it is. (Also, ironically, if you actually do these things, you might be too into your hair, which is unattractive for entirely different reasons.)

Misconception #9: Spitting is sometimes necessary to keep my “passages” clear. As long as no one sees (or hears) but my significant other, that’s okay.

Truth: Hold on a minute. Did your doctor tell you this? If not, then let’s not pretend that we know how spitting benefits “passages,” okay? I never do this, and my passages are fine. I think I know where this originates. Baseball players are so sexy that they are able to get away with spitting. Okay. But are you a baseball player? I didn’t think so. Spitting is just gross. Avoid it. If you must spit, at least do so in the bathroom (where you can’t be seen) and avoid making noise.

Misconception #10: I have great tricks for looking thin: 1) wearing a long-sleeved T-shirt under a T-shirt and 2) wearing jeans that are too large and droop down.

Truth: I apologize, but these things make people look fat and unattractive. If you want to look thinner, stick with jeans that stay up—darker shades of denim are more slimming. Avoid T-shirts period—long-sleeves, short sleeves, whatever. T-shirt material sticks to fat–you didn’t know this? All girls know this, which is why many of us are very picky about our T-shirts. If you MUST wear T-shirts, get the ones made of thicker and “stiffer” material–they are more flattering–NOT TOO BIG. Again, go with darker colors, but not black (see below).

Misconception #11: My black heavy metal T-shirts and T-shirts with obscene jokes are so cool. Girls must love them.

Truth: Well, we already discussed T-shirts. A T-shirt is simply not going to turn anyone on. Now, if you like girls who wear heavy metal T-shirts and clothing with obscene things on it, then she’s probably okay with your T’s, but let’s not confuse okay with crazy about them. If you want to try an experiment, get a nice Polo or Ralph Lauren shirt. Put it on. Wet and comb that hair, add a little gel, then shake it out a little. Stick on some nice-fitting dark denim jeans. Now watch your girl’s reaction when she sees you. You will like it, I promise.

Hi. Being that it’s Easter Weekend, my husband is spending many hours at home. This means, I can’t post as freely as I usually can. Darn it. And it also means that topics to write and complain about are piling up (though I will not be able to vent about them until Monday…) SO quickly, while he’s out (yay!), two critical updates:

1. So help me if his beard gets any longer, I may not be able to resist the urge to yank it out. Oh please, who am I kidding. I’m a pushover. He’s not doing anything about it whatsoever. Unless it drives me to crying, screaming, and cursing–but I’ve been putting up with this for 9 years–it takes a lot more than a tacky (okay, atrocious) beard to get me to that point…

By the way, did I say if the beard gets “longer”? Unfortunately, it doesn’t get long, it gets WIDE. No, I am not joking. It curls up and expands in width, not length. And his isn’t one of those little chin beard things. No, no, it’s one of those grows under your chin from ear to ear things. He’s pretty much a brunette Santa/Grizzly Adams character right now. (I’m so sorry to be changing topics at the speed of light on you here, but did anyone else think Grizzly Adams was hot when you were little? I sure did. Hm, maybe that’s why I married my husband…)

2. Tooth Update: After the dentist appointment, they supposedly told him that fixing the CHIP would be an “extremely complex process.” He claims to have made an appointment but he “can’t remember” when the appointment is. When I say, “Oh I’ll call them for you to ask,” he says he has the appointment written down on a paper “in the car.” See, I know his tricks. Monday, I’m calling to see if there’s an appointment. If there is NOT an appointment with the dentist, I may make a little appointment with a local hotel. As in, to go live there with my children until my husband gets himself looking presentable again with that tooth and beard. He and his tooth and beard can go down, but he isn’t taking me down with him. No sir.

3. Fun Activity Update: I am so excited. We’re having two couples over for dinner tomorrow. They both have kids. It’s going to be loud and wild. I have a ton of food to fix–it is already 7pm. I’ll be up till 2am again. Don’t let me act like I hate it–I love staying up…

I have mentioned in previous posts, my husband is naturally handsome. It’s one of the main reasons I wanted to date him. Also, he knows 3 languages and he’s really, really kind. The problem is that he often sabotages his his good looks. Let’s look at an example. Does your guy ever do this? I hope not. Oops, sorry, this post is for guys. Guys, do you ever do this to your girlfriends or wives?

[Update: My husband finally read my blog–after 2 years! He made me take down his photo. I have no choice–he’s a techie and could shut down my blog in a matter of seconds–though he did not threaten to do so. SO imagine: Photo A–very hot looking bald guy with a shaven beard and shirt with light stain on it. Photo B: shaggy, dumpy looking guy with wide, but not long, beard, and a clump of hair sticking out on the left side of his head.]

See how hot my husband looks in Photo A? Nicely trimmed hair and beard. Oh, well, he is wearing the pirate shirt with the florescent green thing on it…um, and there is a large, though light, stain on the shirt to the right of the pirate. You know, this is about as good as it gets for me, and as sad as it is, I still think he looks hot and am still going to use this as the “model” photo to demonstrate my point.

Now, guys, let’s examine Photo B. Notice:
1) The “blob” of hair sticking out (left side).
2) The woolly beard and mustache. I’m going to make this short and sweet (don’t tune out, this is important) girls, especially girlfriends and wives who are no longer awed by your hotness, don’t want to be near you when you resemble Grizzly Adams, or worse, an actual grizzly bear.

Guys, do you see the difference the shave and hair grooming made from Photo A to Photo B? I know some guys do. For the ones who don’t: you’re just going to have to trust me. There is a huge difference. I’ll prove it. Groom yourself for 2 solid weeks and watch how the special lady in your life suddenly becomes attracted to you again. And maybe other ladies. But be good, Tiger, remember who loves you when you look like Photo B.

(Note to husband in case he is spying on me and my blog: SEE, I TOLD you your hair was sticking out on the left side. Now do you think it looks “fine”? Didn’t think so.)

I think my husband might be spying on me! The day after I posted the photo of his brown wrinkled pants (below), he put them in the laundry basket.

Now, perhaps that doesn’t seem like a huge coincidence right off the bat. But he has outright refused to let me (yes, as in ALLOW ME) to wash the pants for 3 WEEKS.

And suddenly, when I make fun of them on my blog, he decides to wash them? Something seems awry. I will keep you posted.

Alright, this one’s a doozy. These are my husband’s favorite pants. Can you tell? They are (as in WERE) good, quality pants–Levi’s, you know, not the type you’d expect to wrinkle like aluminum foil.

But the problem doesn’t lie in the fabric. No, the problem is my husband’s firm belief that pants can be worn 20 times before they are washed. (I will add right now that despite all logic, after 20 wears of pants, my husband does NOT smell. If he did, I would be the first to let you know.) Here is a photo before I go any further:

Moving right along, my husband wears these pants with the florescent green pirate shirt below. He wears this nifty little combo to work at LEAST twice each week. And washes it once every 2 months. Meaning I wash it once every 2 months.

These pants are classified as UNT (Urgently Need to be Trashed). But I would be killed. I think my husband would divorce me 10 times before he’d give these things up. I can be slick sometimes though. So if anyone has any sneaky ideas on “accidents” that could happen to these pants–do let me know. (But they have to be good, as in no “oops, I accidentally ran over your pants with the lawn mower” stories. I’m thinking perhaps our three-year old marks up the pants while I’m “in the bathroom” or something of this nature.)

While I’m at it, do you enjoy the tie things at the bottom? I sure do. My favorite is the tie thing sticking out through the zipper. I am sure those guys come in handy.

HE’S KILLING ME.

My husband took the day off today (this NEVER happens) to run several errands. He told me about this a week ago. So I quickly made a dentist appointment for him. Remember, he has a chipped tooth for 3 months and insists that this is perfectly normal.

I’m so glad it doesn’t bother him. I suppose if you compare it to the front missing tooth that he had for an entire YEAR, it’s really not that big a deal.

Anyway, I told him about the appointment this morning–they won’t even DO anything, just look and tell you what they’ll do next time. He starts insisting that chipped teeth are fine–why do I have to be such a picky and controlling wife. They’re HIS teeth after all.

He finally went. I can’t believe it. I kind of feel like calling NBC. Seriously, this is huge news. And it’s very happy news for me. The tooth won’t be fixed today. But at least this is a step in the right direction.