Husband Clothes

Hi, I hope all is well. We are having such a nice time–me and the boys that is. My husband is still working out of town. How hard it must be for military wives. Or wives who lose their husbands unexpectedly.

I usually like to (attempt to) be humorous, but I’m kind of in a deep mood. It’s odd how easy it is to say something snappy or have a negative thought about a loved one who’s right there with you. Then suddenly, when that person is absent, you realize how dumb all of those thoughts were.

I’m realizing how dumb it is that I almost divorced my husband over mowing the lawn about a month ago. Well, I suppose I didn’t ACTUALLY almost divorce him. But even that I wanted to. How dumb. He takes such good care of us. And his patience and steadiness are unmatched among all other people I know. And as I’ve mentioned many a time, he’s just so darn handsome. Isn’t it funny how you forget how loved ones look–whether they are attractive or unattractive, after long enough, you just see the person and no longer notice his or her beauty (or lack thereof)?

I just can’t wait until he’s home. Not because I need his help–due to his work schedule, he can’t really help too much around the house. I just miss him. He’s such a wonderful man.

What a rambling post! Goodness. Oh, I DO have stories as I said before. But because I’m having these SO-in-love-with-husband thoughts, it seems best to post them. A blog can’t be comprised SOLELY of jokes about one’s spouse. Well, yes it could. But not mine. See, I just proved it with this post. hahahahahah!!!

This man never ceases to amaze me. I say this STILL experiencing husband attention and favors and politeness almost equal to our dating phase. I’m getting lots of special treatment from my husband, above and beyond the norm. We’re talking car doors getting opened for me and stuff. I’m totally happy about this.

Anyway, today, we go to get a bassinet from an acquaintance of mine. The couple’s beautiful, beautiful 10-week old baby BOY is sleeping on a bed beside the bassinet. Their beautiful 7-year old GIRL and her cute 6-year old BROTHER are sitting on a couch watching TV. Let me add that the girl has looooong pigtails in her hair with a pink dress on. The 10-week old baby BOY has a blue onsie on.

So, we’re checking out the bassinet, as I share with the parents about how I have 2, soon to be 3 boys. The mother, my acquaintance, talks about how it is to have 2 boys and 1 girl. We’re talking about how cute the baby boy is. Lots of “boy” and “girl” talk going on. Meanwhile, my husband is checking out the bassinet. Then he made 2 trips to take the bassinet to the car, and we left.

On the way home, my husband asks, “So, is their baby a boy or a girl?” (Remember, the baby was lying RIGHT BESIDE THE BASSINET. In his BLUE OUTFIT.)

I answered his question and didn’t bother to tell him how odd it was that he could have possibly not known the answer himself…

Then he says, “Oh. Were the older kids also boys?”  Clearly, he missed the plain view of the older two children as we walked through the front door AND back out of it–the girl was sitting right by the door watching TV. And he also clearly ignored the entire conversation, brief as it was, the mother and I had as he stood beside us checking out the bassinet.

Interesting, hu? By the way, for me, the even stranger part of this story is that he actually drove us to get a USED bassinet and didn’t complain about it at ALL. In his eyes, used things are simply the work of the devil. Used things must not be touched. Used things must not be used. Especially by children. But see–not a single sly remark, scowl, or pressure to get a new bassinet instead. Nope. I wanted it, we went to get it. It’s puzzling, slightly alarming, but I LIKE it and hope it LASTS.

I hope that title doesn’t sound too mean. My husband is being so nice, it’s almost like we’re in the dating phase again. I’m really surprised and very, very, very happy with things–so much attention, so much approval, so much togetherness!

But we had a very amusing dialog today, and I can’t resist sharing it. I can’t help how this dialogue is going to make him look. All I can say is trust me–he’s a smart guy, despite everything about this dialogue.

Background: There were about 2 hours when I was thinking I might be in labor. (That was so exciting!) So I wanted to alert my husband just in case–it takes him an hour to drive home and stuff, so it makes sense to say “Hey, get ready, it may be time…but it may not.” SO, here’s the dialogue:

Me: Hey Honey, I think I might be having contractions. There’s a small chance it might be time.

Husband: OK.

Me: Don’t come home or anything yet. I just wanted to warn you.

Husband: About what?

Hahahahhaha. Does this dialogue bring any questions or doubts about my husband’s sanity to mind? What did he think I meant by “It might be time”? Time for LUNCH? Time for the morning MAIL? Sure, except that I had mentioned contractions, and I am almost 9 months pregnant. Oh well. At least he understood after I clarified. hahahahahah.

Update: It’s now the next day. I am pretty sure those were NOT contractions. Why wouldn’t I know this? After all, it’s my 3rd pregnancy…well, hopefully someone will inform me when I begin having contractions, as clearly, I’m not going to know.

I was very shocked when I read that Bill Murray is getting divorced. Actually, I never really knew he was married, though I would have assumed it if asked. But, my first thought was “Who would divorce Bill Murray? He’s SO FUNNY.”

Of course, that was a dumb reaction. I realize that marriage is based on much more than humor (especially in my case–for new readers, that’s not mean, my husband knows it and is very proud of his unfunny jokes that freak people out.) Anyway, as usual with Hollywood divorces, this news about Bill Murray is laced with all of the skeletons in his closet and his wife’s. So I read this stuff thinking “Say it isn’t so!” Bill Murray is one of my favorite comedians of all time. (Sorry, have I said that about 100 different comedians on this blog??)

Anyway, I first began thinking there’s more to Bill than meets the eye when I read the story about him riding around Sweden in a golf cart while drunk. It got me thinking, “Is Bill as normal as he looks?” Then I realized that he never really looked all that normale? He’s one of those kind of scary-turned-handsome because REALLY funny guys.

More on the golf cart shenanigans. Murray was in Sweden because of a big golf event he joined. While the drunk driving part is not funny, it does seem amusing that Murray STOLE the golf cart, which was simply on display in front of his swanky hotel. But see, he needed it. Because he had to drive it to a nightclub. Apparently he parked the golf cart at the club, as after partying, he began to drive it back to his hotel. This is when he was apprehended.

You can read the whole story here. This is my favorite quote from the article: “It isn’t illegal to drive a golf cart in city traffic in Sweden, but [the police investigator] said it is very unusual.”

Anyway, I read that he’s getting divorced, and his wife is making accusations about him. But also that she has major issues. It’s sad, but warrants contemplation. You see a guy like Bill Murray. It would be super easy to think, “Man, it must be great to be married to Bill Murray. He’s funny. He must be such a fun husband.”

Actually, I never think things like that. But pretend I do.  So many people are just not who and what they seem to be. So, the next time I am tempted to try to be “normal” , I am going to try to remember this–they all seem perfectly normal till you learn more about them.

[UPDATE: I was so positive readers would blow off this link to this love story–I BARELY posted the link. But you shock–more people clicked on this thing than Funny Quotes! The Funny Quotes page drives searches for marriage humor to this blog…Hm. What an interesting surprise. So really, we all just want a love story that ends well at the end of the day…No? I’m all confused now. But in a good way.]

I so enjoy this blog because it’s one of the only places I write for FUN!!! I like telling jokes, and love pondering psychology, especially psychology of people very different from me, like my husband.

BUT I actually do serious writing too. Most of it is academic and educational. And it would greatly bore you.

There is one story I submitted a while ago to a really nice blog about love and relationships that while serious, might spice this blog up by surprising you. It’s a LOVE story about me and my HUSBAND. And how much I LOVE him. No sarcasm or humor, just pure love and adoration, baby. Here’s the link–oh, and NO, that photo is not of my husband’s face:

LettersFromTheSoul.Com–Our Backgrounds Were So Different

Read fast because if my husband sees that I have linked a LOVE story about us to this blog, he will absolutely force me to remove it. Yes, that’s right–he will allow me to make fun of him online (and he also enjoys making fun of me, though to my face rather than in a blog, and usually when I am depressed or upset about something). But he will NOT tolerate sappiness attached to his name or reputation. NO WAY.

I hope you don’t find this story too repulsive. If you do, quickly move on to the next post about mowing. That one is full of sarcasm and fun. And reality.

Ha ha. That’s not true. I never cry. Maybe I should put some effort into learning to tap into my emotions and let them all pour out. Mmmm, sounds too depressing.

OH, but why did I say I’m awash in tears? I meant I’m awash in mental tears. (HA HA. Did you catch that well-placed homonym that made a sentence with two meanings, one of which calls me schizophrenic? hahahah) Sorry, I’M IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD I AM TELLING JOKES THAT ARE ALMOST AS WIERD AS MY HUSBAND’S!!!

Okay, seriously. By “awash in tears,” I meant that I had an extremely wonderful, unexpected, deeply touching moment today.

I GOT FLOWERS for Mother’s Day. Guess who they’re from. No, not my husband. (I haven’t yet told him that tomorrow is Mother’s Day–that counts out any possibility of receiving flowers from him.

From my Mom? Nope. Got something from her a week ago. She’s DARN GOOD at sending gifts.

From my children? No. But, technically my first grader thoroughly described the clay pot and card he made me, but would not allow me to SEE them yet, as it’s a SURPRISE.

The flowers are from my DAD. Is that the sweetest thing ever??? If you knew my Dad, you’d fall over backwards right now. He is a great guy. However, he is NOT a sending flowers type. He is NOT a remembering holidays type. He is a scientisty type–actually was a real scientist (!) in early years, turned corporate attorney. Oh dear, I just made this paragraph into 2 pages of writing and then had to make them into a new post. My father is an extremely intriguing and fascinating person. But the 2 pages detracted too much from the point of this post–which is that my DAD sent me FLOWERS for Mother’s Day. Gosh, I will not forget this.

Look at those beauties. They are so pretty. What a nice day:)

I have the best husband in the world. I take back all of the times I have been annoyed with him. He’s the hottest, nicest man in the world. I am so lucky.

Today, there was a fiasco he handled like a real man. I am not sure I’ve mentioned how even-tempered, iron-willed, and steady he is. He’s truly a rock. He can handle anything. Nothing makes him nervous. Nothing scares him. Well, some things do, but no one can tell.

So, he had to take off work to get our cable hooked up. I was communicating with the cable company while he waited for them for two hours. There are no chairs in our new place to sit on. There is nothing to do. Nothing. Not a computer, not a TV, barely any food in the refrigerator. Plus, he’s had to take a lot of time off to get stuff done for moving recently, so I was all nervous that he was going to get in trouble.

I called the cable company to see what was up. It took them a third hour to confirm they wouldn’t be able to make it today. Unbelievable. I felt so bad. My husband waited there for 3 hours for nothing! He needed to do all this work and couldn’t do it, and the cable guy didn’t even come! I knew he was going to freak out.

So I called him and said “I’m sorry–they aren’t going to come today.” Silence. I was so nervous waiting for his reaction.

Then I said, “Are you upset?” His response was classic: “It won’t help anyone to get upset. We’ll do it another day.”

Well, I must admit, I sure have missed my husband this week. He’s living in our new place in Northern California, and we are following him there soon. Because this blog was created solely for the purpose of me to complain about annoying habits, I don’t often mention how handsome and unbelievably sweet my husband is. Despite the annoying habits, clothes, decisions, ideas, handy work, and so on described in this blog, I am a very lucky woman.

However, this “computer” is not one one of my luckiest strikes. Years ago, when my husband was contracting (rarely), we bought this thing called a renderfarm for a LOT of money. We were TOTALLY poor. This renderfarm was, of course, for my husband’s job. I always enjoyed spending money for his job, rather than paying rent. Okay, move forward several years: by the time he worked his way into big studios, the renderfarm was outdated. I said, “Time to get rid of this crap.” But noooooooo, Husband insists, we might need it someday.

And as a writer, one day, I needed a new computer. Somehow, he talked me into using this crap. Notice, it has no floppy disk drive. It has no working CD drive (though I believe there is a “fake” CD drive there that my husband used to convince me to take this thing). Notice the huge attractive handles. And don’t overlook the on and off button–oh, sorry, that’s right, there is no on and off button. There is a switch, but don’t be fooled–it doesn’t turn the thing off. You push the switch down, and the “computer” (which is actually a SERVER) goes off for a second, then it comes back on even though you are still holding it down. When you take your finger off of it, it goes back up anyway. The switch acts kind of moody and angry, and basically, I just leave this thing on at all times because trying to turn it off is just way too complex and time-consuming.

So there you have it. I supported my husband’s film industry career by working hard and getting him contracts. He supported my writing job by getting me a “computer” (aka server) with no disk drive, CD drive, on or off switch, but that does, thank heaven, have useful handles and the sharp edges won’t cut you as long as you don’t bump into it.

Despite his frequent displays of annoying behavior, I would never, ever cheat on my husband.

I don’t approve of or wnat this to happen, but I have occasionally felt attracted to guys, including one named Salvador. It was the kind of thing where you are attracted to someone, and therefore you stay as far away from him as possible because you’re married. Not DEAD, however, so sometimes there’s chemistry with people–it’s not my fault. You will know if I feel chemistry with you, because I will refuse to speak with you or look at you. It may seem extreme–but it’s for the best. Bye bye. Just joking.

Well, Salvador and I never said goodbye. Come to think of it, we never said hello (due to our chemistry. Hahaha–good one.) There was never any contact, and very few words between us. So, I haven’t seen him in almost 3 years. Occasionally I will have a memory about him. Or even better a dream. I still haven’t managed to kiss him in a dream, but last night, it began to seem I was making a little progress.

I was visiting this house in Central America. In this big hallway, there was a book. Kind of like a register that you sign at a wedding. And for some reason, I was looking at it. I noticed these oddly scribbled shapes here and there that looked kind of like the number 4. For whatever reason, Salvador was on my mind. Maybe I was in the town he was from.

As it turned out, these number 4 symbol things were messages to me from him! I was so excited to learn this. He was trying to leave me messages to tell me that he knew I was in town, and he was too. He wanted to meet me to tell me something really important. I’m not sure how it all came together, but we met. And he looked soooo handsome. He told me he had really missed me and he was happy to see me. We talked and felt really excited to be together. But something was wrong…He tried to prepare me for some big secret. He said stuff like “Hey, now don’t get mad…I should have told you this a long time ago… Okay, I’m going to tell you but please don’t hate me..”

But it still came as a total shock…I had no idea what was coming…And finally he said it. He told me that we had a daughter together! I was so amazed. But happy. Wow! I have a daughter with Salvador! Has he been raising her here in El Salvador? Are we married? She’s already 3? How odd it must have been for me to give birth to a child without even realizing it. How odd that I would abandon the child in El Salvador.

It was so dumb, even for a dream. Why would Salvador write symbols that looked like the number 4 rather than calling me? How could I be lucky enough to have a romantic interlude with Salvador and FORGET that it happened? And having a daughter but not knowing it…A little too out of the box. I also find it frustrating that despite all this, we still didn’t kiss in the dream. Oh well.