Oh dear. I just watched Steven Tyler singing the National Anthem. And by “singing,” I mean…well, I mean singing, if you will. It’s right here for anyone who who’s in the mood to feel REALLY tense and worried before a few select song lines. Then to roll your eyes and feel kind of weird after hearing those select song lines.

Why does this guy irritate me so much? Could it be that I loved him so much in high school, and due to things like this, I actually irritate myself so much? Or could it be that he paints his fingernails black, something that only “Goth” high school (or middle school?) students should be excited about? I don’t know. He just really annoys me. It also annoys me that apparently he has girls lined up to go out on dates with him–I know, I know, girls like rich guys. But come on…there are rich guys out there who are much, much, much less annoying than this dude. (Ha! Effective word choice because remember “Dude Looks Like a Lady”? Yeah, guess who wrote it. Steven Tyler, the dude who looks like a lady in the above photo.)

SO, I really don’t believe in people bashing. I’m not sure why I am breaking my rule to bash Steven Tyler. I think this version of the National Anthem was just…ridiculous, and thereby pushed me over the edge. BUT since I don’t believe in people bashing, I am going to end this post on the most positive note ever. Here are some amazing, unique traits that Steven Tyler has:

1. No matter where he is or what he is doing–David Letterman interview, singing the National Anthem, at a concert–Steven Tyler is always dressed like a pirate, yet always looks like a woman. Who else can manage that?
2. Steven Tyler looks like that (see above photo), yet has had like 10 wives. Plus, by his own admission, countless lovers. That combination of truths is impossible–yet he somehow accomplished each despite the other.
3. Steven Tyler is the father of Liv Tyler, one of the most graceful, beautiful actresses in all of Hollywood. Well, at least he has a legacy now. Aside from pirate costumes, I mean.

Mmmm, ok that’s all I can think of. Sorry for being mean. Also, sorry if you love Steven Tyler. I’m sure you have your reasons (such as that you really love pirate costumes. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. Sorry).

PS. Ok, I just thought of an actual positive point!!! Yay! Steven Tyler wrote “Dream On.” (Sing with me, sing for the years, sing for the laughter, sing for the tears…YouTube link here.) Really, that’s a great song. AND I deleted the mean joke I just made about Steven Tyler thereby ending on a positive note! Yay!

Remember this song? (This is the Iko Iko music video–the version of the song from the movie RainMan). How in the WORLD did I forget how sassy and sexy this video is? The lady pictured above is the singer from Belle Stars. I love this video–good scenes from RainMan, plus it’s a great version of this song.

I’ve experienced one extremely positive effect from watching this video a million times today and yesterday: I always disliked ballet until now–specifically due to the tight spandex on guys look. While I’ve always wanted to be sophisticated enough to like opera and ballet…it just hasn’t happened for me. Well, until the fancy footwork by the dude in this video. MAN. I wish I could be his type (ie, male I guess). Ha ha. I just said I wish I could be male–what a weird and un-funny joke that was!

A few other things I’m enjoying about this video:

1. How the girl in this video be SO HOT with white dreadlocks and green things hanging off her bodysuit? Also, why is it that she’s adorable when she swings HER hair, but when I swing mine like that, I look stupid? Whatever.
2. How short and tight people’s pants were in the movie RainMan–I never noticed that at the time, but wow.
3. For some reason, I always remembered the girl in the movie as the same lady who did all those “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful” commercials. Nope–totally different lady in this movie…
4. Is it just me, or does the VH1 title in the lower left corner say “Rain Main” instead of “Rain Man”? Come on now VH1.
5. I tried to do the sassy dances of the blond dread locks girl in the video. It didn’t go well, but I’m so proud that I tried.

Oh also, this video has been viewed like 1,400,000 times. I think I personally am responsible for a good 1000 of those just between yesterday and today. If you decide to watch the video–and ESPECIALLY the hot footwork at 1:39, you might keep clicking replay. You’ve been warned!

We have recently learned that my husband has a celebrity twin.  I can’t tell you who the celebrity is, or I will give away my husband’s identity–because they actually truly identical–face, height, build, everything. It’s quite uncanny. If they stood side by side, people could think they were twins. I am not exaggerating. (I wish I could name the celebrity, but my husband insists that I keep him anonymous since I make fun of him and share mean things he does on this blog. I feel that’s fair.) Anyway, I think I have mentioned that my husband looks a little like a terroristy version of Andrei Agassi–and he does–but that is a slight resemblance. The person I am talking about in this post is not Agassi, and the resemblance is not slight–it is striking.

The funny thing is that this celebrity is one of these WEIRD celebrities. He’s cute enough, but it’s his profession. He’s not an actor. He’s not a politician. He’s in one of those…how shall we phrase this…one of those sport-related activities that most of my cousins from Tennessee enjoy watching. Now, my cousins from Tennessee might beat me up if I named the activity AND made fun of it, therefore I will not do so. But suffice to say, it is not really the type of thing people are going to brag about doing (unless you’re one of my cousins). Also, the celebrity lives close to us, which makes people even more convinced they’ve seen this guy when my husband walks by.

SO, the celebrity who is my husband’s twin won some award recently and got more famous than before. So people keep coming up to my husband and asking for his autograph. If you knew how anti-social my husband is and how freaked out he looks when approached by random strangers, you would really enjoy imagining this. The first few times this happened, my husband was very freaked out. The people just walked up and said “Hey! Can we have your autograph?!”

My husband didn’t know about the lookalike at that point. He responded by wrinkling his eyebrows and nose in a confused gesture (but one that looked angry and mean–he can’t help it…He isn’t angry or mean, but he looks like he is). So with this horribly scary expression on his face, he asks, “What?” And they ask for his autograph again, and he walked away confused.

Then he finally did an Internet search for the name they were saying, and he found the guy’s picture. We were both stunned at the resemblance. SO, people continue to approach him, and now my husband responds, “Oh, I’m not him.”

This is the part I love most–the people get ALL OFFENDED thinking that my husband is LYING! And they say stuff like “Oh, well, we aren’t trying to bother you. Sorry. Just thought you could take a second.”  My poor husband–he’s just not the type of guy who is equipped to deal smoothly with this type of situation. But he does his best, and we think it’s fun.

It’s ON, baby. Let’s compare the photos of Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin shirtless. Here are my immediate thoughts:

What I would say to Obama about this photo (if I could):

1. Those sunglasses give you an edge. They make you look like the evil guys in the Matrix. I like it a lot.
2. Nice swim trunks, and they are the perfect size for you.
3. Do you do sit ups? Obviously you do. Also you lift weights.
4. Where’s Michelle? Cause if I were her, I wouldn’t let you out of my SIGHT without your shirt on ever AGAIN!!!!

Words I would say to Vladimir Putin about this photo (except that I’m terrified of him):

1. Your hat makes you look kind of like the guy from Crocodile Dundee. The fishing pole sort of goes along with that theme. Was that your intention?
2. Are you able to breath comfortably? Also, just to confirm–in your opinion, it is okay to pull one’s pants up to his rib cage. (Right?)
3. Were you reeling in a fish at this moment? If so, what kind of fish was it?
4. Do you feel that you could benefit from a tan? I am asking only because I feel that I could benefit from one–just wondering if you feel the same way about yourself.

Moving right along, I just need to get this off my chest: Obama is really, really hot. And I find it pleasant to have such a nice-looking president. If you think about it, most of our presidents have been pretty good-looking. But not quiiiite as handsome as this one…

I am assuming that both Republicans and Democrats and everyone in the entire world feels this way–whether or not they agree with Obama’s politics. But for those readers who feel sad that this post is starting to sound like a Democratic convention (for middle school girls), I got two words for ya: Mitt Romney. I don’t even need to say it–you already know it in your heart: Mitt Romney is the Brad Pitt of the Republican party. Man, if a shirtless beach photo of Mitt ever even dreams of surfacing on the Internet, PLEASE let me at it. (I feel a little ashamed of saying that about a Mormon, but one of the things I love about Mitt is how he handles dumb stuff people say–he takes the high road. Now that’s a real man for ya).

Well, I fear I am making myself look like a shallow and somewhat loony tuned fanatic. I don’t have any good excuses for the content of this post–except to say that I am glad I got all of this out in the open, and now I can move on with other posts. My husband just got home, and I want to show him this post. He might try to make me take it down, but it’s not coming down. It’s crazy, and I like it.

Okay, there are six of them: cute Maddox from Cambodio,  sassy and adorable Zahara from Ethiopia, Pax from Vietnam. Then the biological Angelina Jolie kids–twins Island Marcheline and Amiele Jane, and of course, Shiloh. (Read this wikipedia entry under children for more details on the Angelina Jolie Kids.)

ANYWAY, in my dream, basically I applied to be a teacher for the Jolie Pitt family. For the kids. But for some reason, instead, I ended up teaching Angelina. What was I teaching her? Russian language. Why? I have no idea.

The dream gets stranger from here. I was really excited to go to the Jolie-Pitt mansion. I thought, “How awesome, I get to see the kids and stuff. I get to get all chummy with Angelina! COOL.” No, no, no. First of all, there were no kids anywhere. BUT there were many attendants. They were all young, beautiful foreign girls. (I’m happy to say that I became good friends with two of them within one hour of being in the mansion. My dream didn’t reveal details on how these friendships developed, but they did, and that makes me feel popular.)

SO,  what was it like teaching Angelina? Well, it was rather demoralizing. First, Angelina insisted on walking around as we studied Russian together. Plus, she insisted on walking in front of me. Therefore, as I kept trying to teach her, I was looking at the back of her head. This felt very embarrassing, but it’s Angelina Jolie–what was I going to do, threaten to quit teaching her? Don’t think so.

I kept saying things like “Here’s how to say ‘my name is Angelina’…now repeat after me...” But instead of repeating what I said in Russian, she just would sort of look back at me with an expression that clearly indicated she’d prefer if I just shut up. So finally I DID shut up. But then she started screaming and crying. (I was thinking “Man do I feel sorry for Brad Pitt.”) Then I asked my new best friends why Angelina was crying, and they said, “Oh, she always screams and cries.”

This dream clearly indicates that I have a complex–some sort of inferiority thing going on. Or maybe it’s a “women get upset when their husands are gone for long periods of time” thing due to my husband working out of town right now. However, there was no indication that Brad was gone for a long time. Also, Brad is not Angelina’s husband, technically speaking. So, in a nutshell, very strange dream and no logical explanation.