For some reason, I decided to take a few moments to contemplate ways Barack Obama and John McCain would irritate me if I were married to them. Don’t worry–I am perfectly aware that their standards far surpass anything I would have to offer them–but this blog is about making fun of husbands, not myself (plenty of other people do that), so here are a few of my thoughts:

Ways Obama would irritate me if he were my husband:

1. He would begin sentences slowly but finish them too  quickly for me to keep up with him. Kind of like the way he says, “Now,” (slowly)…”Here’s what we gotta do”  (at the speed of light)…
2. Arguments would be embarrassing. I’d scream, curse, and cry, while he’d stare at me with the same strange-looking fake smile he had throughout each debate with John McCain.
3. If I tried to brag about being Salutatorian in high school in 1991, he’d say stuff like, “Big deal. I also graduated in 1991, magna cum laude from Harvard law school.”
4. He would refuse to talk about race, yet people would stare at us a lot because we’d be a biracial couple.
5. I might start smoking on the sly again (like he does), and that would really make me mad.
6. If I tried to talk about how hard my life is, he’d say things like, “Excuse me, but did you ever try to run for US president as a black male with the middle name Hussein during the war with Iraq? Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
7. If I tried talking about how ugly my hair looks, he’d say, “Take a look at these ears on my head, and then tell me about your hair.”
8. He’d pretend to view me as an equal, despite that he’s a millionaire and I’m painfully un-rich and un-sophisticated.
9. He’d always want me to dress nicely. Therefore, he would most likely disapprove of what I like to call “my fall outfit”. (That’s the outfit I wear almost every day during the fall). He’d probably try to make me go shopping. That would REALLY get on my nerves.
10. My name would be Holly Obama, which sounds like some type of holiday decoration rather than a person. (I can clearly imagine Hillary Clinton yelling, “HONEY! Do you know where we put the Holly Obama’s??! I can’t find them anywhere!”)

Ways McCain would irritate me if he were my husband:

1. He wouldn’t remember how many houses we own. That would really annoy me.
2. He would get angrier and act crazier than I would during arguments. That would frighten me.
3. If I tried to talk about difficulties, he’d blow me off and say “Oh poor martyr. Try being a prisoner of war.”
4. If I tried talking about physical pain, he’d say stuff like, “Try breaking BOTH of your arms and one of your legs in a plane crash when your military jet is shot down in North Vietnam, sissy girl.”
5. If I acted like I knew more than him, he’d say, “Um, I’m almost 80. I think I know more than you do.”
6. If I tried to say mean things about female friends or relatives, he’d say, “Ever tried to deal with Sarah Palin? Didn’t think so.”
7. He would use quote signs with his hands, despite that usually only women do this (and that even for females, this gesture really looks geeky and out of style.)
8. When we’d go on walks, he’d move a little too slowly for me. Okay, much too slowly. (I walk a lot, and I walk fast. And let’s face it–McCain can barely move.)
9. If I tried to brag about knowing Spanish language, he’d say, “Big deal. I was born in Panama.” (As he said “Panama,” he’d make quote signs with his hands.)
10. When I get on his nerves, he’d try to make me jealous by muttering stuff like, “Too bad you can’t zap people with your florescent blue laser eyes like my ex-wife Cindy could.” (He’d make quote signs with his hands as he said “zap.”)

How would they irritate you? Can’t WAIT to hear.

In our first three or four years of marriage, I kept learning about “life strategies” my husband used, and uses, to deal with a variety of situations. Some of these strategies HORRIFIED me. The really odd thing is that the more time that went by, the more I learned from the way my husband does things–even though I don’t always agree with his approach.

I thought I’d share one of these strategies with you. It may ring a bell for some of you. I’m going to write this from my husband’s perspective. Pretend he’s reading or speaking the next paragraph. Then I’ll tell you what I’ve learned from this highly annoying strategy and why I now use it regularly.

#1 Husband Strategy of All Time: Say, “I will do it later” to avoid anything for any reason. Even when you have said this 100 times (when, for example, your wife has asked you to mow for the past 100 days), feel free to say it again when asked to do “the task.” Sure, it will infuriate the person asking you to do the task at hand. But pleasing people isn’t the objective. And thank heaven for that. Also, remember that the word “later” isn’t specific–so don’t go making it something it’s not by tacking a day or time to the end of your statement. Keep it straight and to the point: “I’ll do it later.”

What I have learned: I used to be Miss Do EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW and Miss Do EVERY FAVOR ANYONE ASKS me for. By observing my husband, I learned that this is much too stressful. Now my motto is pretty much “I’ll do it later.” Oh don’t get me wrong–I help people who need help. But not when I can’t. Also, not for moocher types, and not for people who are mean or unappreciative, no matter how close a “friend” or relative.  Oh, I don’t have a problem just saying “no” either, but in some cases, “I’ll do it later” is preferable. (Prime example: When my mother-in-law says, “Come visit me,” it’s really better to say “I’ll do it later” than “No, we’re not going to visit you because when we do, you ruin my life.”) The person asking the favor ALWAYS stops asking at some point–so it’s definitely a win/win situation.

Oh, and you know who gets this response from me more than anyone else in the world–my husband! Pretty much all we ever say now is “Can you help me?” or “I’ll do it later.” But somehow it works out–probably because we  both strongly stand by this strategy. We’re united in not doing things right now.

Oh, but about the funny joke…We were getting ready in the morning. He was looking for socks to wear. Unfortunately, suddenly this year, I have become unable to put up clean laundry. I do the laundry, but then it sits in the floor in a pile. I keep meaning to fold it each day. But I don’t. This has gone on for months. I have no explanation or excuse. It’s my goal to change this, but I keep thinking about, rather than acting on, the goal.

Fortunately, messes don’t bother my husband in the least, so he barely even notices the pile and just continues to fish clothes out of it.

So, he’s looking through this horrible pile of clean clothing to find clean socks. And I felt bad. I said, “Sweety, I’m sorry you have to look through this pile. I keep meaning to put up the clothes, but I keep not doing it…”

He said, “Hm. That’s terrible. I think I’m going to start a blog about this” and laughed. he he he. This was a reference to my blog about his bad habits. Get it? I have to say, not only do I think this joke was funny, but I find it hilarious that he pays so little mind to this blog though it pokes fun at him.

This is one of those things I love about this man. He never worries about petty things. He knows a joke is a joke. He has clean socks, he doesn’t care if they come from a pile or a drawer. He really worries about the “right” things in life–I guess this is why he’s so mellow and steady. I’ve learned a lot from his example, but there’s much more to learn.

This information is taken from the book What Could He Be Thinking? by Michael Gurian. The book is based on 20 years of neurobiological research. The book is all about different chemicals and activity levels in parts of the male and female brains.

Why Husbands Tense Up When Wives Just Want to Talk
Women have 15% more blood flow and neural pathways to verbal-emotive brain centers than men. For this reason, having a conversation, especially one that inspires emotion, can increase oxytocin levels. Oxytocin makes the female brain feel relaxed and connected. However, it makes the male brain “wake up.”

When the male brain is in a restive state, most of its activity is centered in the brain stem. The brain stem does not connect well to the frontal lobes at the top of the brain–where the verbal-emotive processing goes on.

So, in a nutshell, after work, both males and females aim to relax. Talking helps women relax. But for men, conversation stimulates chemicals and parts of the brain to work, rather than to relax. How evil of nature.

Why Men Ignore Their Wives When They Get Home From Work
When men get home from work, they want to rest, just like women do. What does help the male brain enter a restive state? Fixing electronics and channel surfing. I’m serious.

Why Men Watch TV at Defeaning Volumes + Can’t See Stuff In the Fridge
Women’s brains take in more sensory data than men’s brains. So women see, hear, smell, and feel more strongly than men. So, this is why men need to watch the TV at FULL BLAST and why they can’t see stuff in the refrigerator when they’re staring right at it. Also why the many messes they make don’t bother them at all–their brains don’t take these visual details in as women’s brains do.

So, over this nice long weekend, I guess if I want my husband to relax, I need to try not to talk to him, encourage him to channel surf as he ignores me, and try to understand that he simply can’t see all of the messes he creates.

PS. On a serious note, does anyone know of an organization that benefits families of fallen soldiers? If so, please email me! Also, here is a touching site www.anysoldier.com–it tells how you can send a letter to service men and women who don’t often get mail but need it.

Sara’s boyfriend went to a dinner party that was “black tie optional.” Sara couldn’t go with him. This little lucky twist saved her mucho public embarrassment. Guys: PAUSE FOR QUICK QUIZ!

1) “Black tie optional” means _____:

A. The same as “tie optional”–wear a tie, or don’t.
B. Wear a tie, but it doesn’t have to be black.
C. Basically “tuxedo optional”–wear a tuxedo or something formal.

2) When I have no idea what stuff means, I can avoid embarrassing myself by _____:

A. Guessing what it means and making a grand entrance or statement.
B. Ask my best friend what it means. He doesn’t socialize much, but he’s smart.
C. Do a Google search–this is reliable and only takes 5 seconds.

This guy picked options A and A. (Not the correct answers.) Later when Sara asked how the dinner party went, her boyfriend kind of grimaced and said that everyone else was so dressed up. He’d felt very awkward.

Rolling her eyes, she asked, “Well, you DID wear a suit, right?” He’s staring back at her all confused like. No, he reminded her, it was black tie optional, so he chose the option NOT to wear a tie. Or a jacket. He chose the other, more casual “option.”

Stop right here. See, he’s talking about imaginary options. He never checked out the meaning of black tie optional. When we make up or just try to figure out what things mean, rather than looking them up or asking about them, situations can get very sketchy–this includes dating, using instructions to build things, directions, finances, cooking, and of course, fashion. So basically, this guy failed to inquire, and he showed up to a tuxedo formal wear event wearing something like jeans and a button up pajama shirt.

Hey, not everyone knows what phrases like “black tie optional” mean. Many who do still hate getting dressed up. BUT the point is NOT “be classy”–goodness no, by all means, please don’t try that. The point is, don’t always try to guess. Just ASK sometimes. What’s the big darn deal???