Husband Clothes

I suspect that my husband doesn’t know our address by heart. To his credit, we have moved 8 times in 9 years. We haven’t lived in our current apartment even a year…Still, would it not freak you out a little if you suspected your husband hadn’t memorized your address and/or phone number? (Yes, this means I also suspect he may not know our phone number.) I know, speed dial. No one knows anyone’s number. Yet, usually, they know their own number…

Why do I suspect that he doesn’t know our address? Because he carries around this piece of paper in his wallet with the address and phone number written on it. How do I know this? Please, I don’t search through my husband’s wallet. Okay, maybe once a year. Never anything suspicious in there though, and he reads my email, so we’re even. (By the way, he doesn’t even try to hide this. He’ll just say “Hey, who’s that guy who emailed you today?” And I will say “Uh, he’s my cousin, the guy who was in our wedding.” And he’ll say “Oh.” I know, it’s strange–probably dysfunctional. But I have nothing to hide, so if he finds my email entertaining, more power to him. I DO delete the mean emails about his mother. This is very healthy for our marriage.)

SO, actually, I know about the paper because sometimes he loses it and starts asking about it–of course, I’m supposed to know exactly where this 1-inch x 1-inch piece of paper is. “Where’s my paper? Did you get it?” What paper? Get it for what? No, I already know our address, why would I need your paper? Then he immediately makes another “address paper.” He copies it while referencing a piece of mail. Each of the three times this has happened, I have said, “PLEASE tell me you KNOW our address.” And he says he does but gets confused about two digits at the end of our zip code.

Yeah, SURE ya do.

I received a few photographs from a guy we’ll call “Jay.” He wanted to share his stock of “useful” containers. Before I go any further, I’m going to post Jay’s photos here:

Now that you’ve seen them, my first question is: Do these containers look useful to you? My initial thought was “Oh, those look like babyfood jars.” It’s always a pity to toss glass babyfood jars because they do seem like they should be useful for something, but really, they’re not. Not even at all–this is pretty indisputable, no? Especially these babyfood jars, as they are great in number, yet all are empty. Read Jay’s exact words:

“Here’s a couple shots of my useful containers. As you can see, when they’re in a box, it may be hard to tell them from junk. But if you pull them out and organize them, you can plainly see that I have a system, and I have carefully amassed a collection of containers based on important attributes that make them really useful.

Also, these pictures don’t show the useful containers that are already filled with interesting or useful stuff. Of course, I suppose when they’re filled they’re no longer useful.”

Let’s discuss this for a moment. Did anyone catch that last sentence? Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Did Jay just say that the containers become useless when they actually store stuff? I am so confused, I’m not really sure what questions to ask to clear this up. Also, I wonder what “attributes” Jay meant by “attributes that make the containers really useful.” I mean, I see that they have attributes like big, small, see-through, plastic, etc. Uh, I’m just not clear on how the attributes transform them from junk into necessities. Maybe I should ask Jay’s wife. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Good one.

No seriously, I am sure she’s really thankful that Jay is storing these containers, especially the eight or nine HUGE coffee containers–because she knows they’ll be available the moment she’s in a pinch. I am sure that she isn’t at all concerned about the space they take up, or how they look really messy, or how Jay is kind of a packrat (because he obviously IS NOT a packrat in any way, shape, or form).

In case you need containers, here is a link to Home Visions–they have STORAGE solutions, as well as MOTHER’S DAY GIFTS on sale right now:

Is this not true: during long-term relationships and marriage, men basically maintain the same ideas they always had, except they become more and more convinced of them. Sometimes, this becomes a downhill spiral, and misconceptions can spin totally out of control. For my male readers, I’m going to outline some critical misconceptions. Note to guys: If you believe any of the following statements, don’t even waste time examining the why, how, or any of that–simply take action and make some changes (quickly!):

Misconception #1: No one notices if my clothes are wrinkled, as long as they match.

Truth: Everyone notices, and it makes you look lazy. If they don’t match, you look even worse. Need help? Ask your girlfriend or read GQ. Please tell me you know what I mean by “GQ.”

Misconception #2: My breath smells the same no matter what I eat. I know, because I test it by breathing into my hand.

Truth: Please. Research has proven that even people with severe halitosis can’t detect it using their hand. You can either get a professional test or save your money and trust me. You need to chew gum and brush before speaking at close range, especially after eating onions, garlic, and meat. Thanks.

Misconception #3: No one knows how often I shower and shave. My deodorant smells good, and my beard looks like it’s scruffy on purpose.

Truth: EVERYONE knows. When people don’t shower, their faces look slightly dirty yet shiny. I can’t really explain it—but I know it when I see it, and so do all other girls. Unshaven scruffy look? Uh, I realize that was popular at some point in the last few decades, but it’s not popular in this decade. So this whole “on purpose” thing—not fooling anyone.

Misconception #4: I don’t need to adjust my hair this morning! My morning hair looks like I already fixed it because of the matted look that’s in style now.

Truth: I worked with at least five guys who thought this. I can’t even begin to express to you how stupid they looked when they came to work with their morning hair thinking people didn’t know the difference. I still have nightmares about their hair. DUMB. Read closely: The slightly matted look requires wetting, combing, gel, and a little skill—and it has to be totally clean (not dirty, as was with idiot guys I worked with). Also, this look is on its way out, so there’s no reason to be talking about it anyway.

Misconception #5: Lots of people have visible nose hair and ear hair. That’s normal.

Truth: No. Very few people have visible nose and ear hair, and those who do usually get laughed at behind their backs. If you have this issue, consider doing something about it quickly. I am sure your girlfriend or wife will help you research what to do–and she will hurry because this is important. [Update: I couldn’t handle it–I already researched it for you–there’s a link below to ear/nose hair trimmers. Some below $10. Buy one.]

Misconception #6: It’s okay to punch extra holes in my belt, as long as I am careful.

Truth: This is never okay. It looks stupid. Everyone can tell you did it yourself.

Misconception #7: This stain is not at all noticeable, even close up.

Truth: Come on. Stains are clearly visible, and they make you look dirty. Tip: figure out how to clean it, or throw it in the garbage.

Misconception #8: I’m a guy with long hair. It looks cool and sexy.

Truth: When guys have long hair, it is usually damaged and unclean, plus they tend to swing it, which makes them look self-absorbed and insecure. Yes, it is possible for long hair on guys to be cool and sexy, but for this to happen, you need to wash, trim, and brush it often. Do you? If not, your long hair is not the chic magnet you think it is. (Also, ironically, if you actually do these things, you might be too into your hair, which is unattractive for entirely different reasons.)

Misconception #9: Spitting is sometimes necessary to keep my “passages” clear. As long as no one sees (or hears) but my significant other, that’s okay.

Truth: Hold on a minute. Did your doctor tell you this? If not, then let’s not pretend that we know how spitting benefits “passages,” okay? I never do this, and my passages are fine. I think I know where this originates. Baseball players are so sexy that they are able to get away with spitting. Okay. But are you a baseball player? I didn’t think so. Spitting is just gross. Avoid it. If you must spit, at least do so in the bathroom (where you can’t be seen) and avoid making noise.

Misconception #10: I have great tricks for looking thin: 1) wearing a long-sleeved T-shirt under a T-shirt and 2) wearing jeans that are too large and droop down.

Truth: I apologize, but these things make people look fat and unattractive. If you want to look thinner, stick with jeans that stay up—darker shades of denim are more slimming. Avoid T-shirts period—long-sleeves, short sleeves, whatever. T-shirt material sticks to fat–you didn’t know this? All girls know this, which is why many of us are very picky about our T-shirts. If you MUST wear T-shirts, get the ones made of thicker and “stiffer” material–they are more flattering–NOT TOO BIG. Again, go with darker colors, but not black (see below).

Misconception #11: My black heavy metal T-shirts and T-shirts with obscene jokes are so cool. Girls must love them.

Truth: Well, we already discussed T-shirts. A T-shirt is simply not going to turn anyone on. Now, if you like girls who wear heavy metal T-shirts and clothing with obscene things on it, then she’s probably okay with your T’s, but let’s not confuse okay with crazy about them. If you want to try an experiment, get a nice Polo or Ralph Lauren shirt. Put it on. Wet and comb that hair, add a little gel, then shake it out a little. Stick on some nice-fitting dark denim jeans. Now watch your girl’s reaction when she sees you. You will like it, I promise.

Doesn’t everyone want a partner who has a great sense of humor? Yes, me too. But well, I didn’t really get that. I realize that probably sounds a little mean to people who haven’t…how shall I put this…experienced my husband’s jokes. It’s not that his jokes are gross, cruel, too political, or anything like that. Rather, they are just completely incomprehensible. And not at all funny. And they confuse people. Or even alarm people, depending on the topic.

If we are sitting around a table with friends and my husband suddenly blurts out a joke (my worst social nightmare)…here’s what happens: Everyone kind of stops talking and starts looking around at everyone else. You can tell they want to ask, “What just happened? Was that a joke? Or was it a fact? Something from the news?” There is always a moment of sheer confusion, but the moment stretches out for several moments, because my husband thinks that people are just taking time to process the humor–therefore, he doesn’t say “I was joking” quickly enough to eliminate the mass confusion.

Now, I could jump in and say “he was just joking,” except that his jokes also confuse me (and often frustrate and irritate me). Also, when I do finally realize there has been “a joke,” I prefer to quickly change the topic and let people think the confusion was their own fault, rather than admit that the pandemonium was all the result of my husband’s attempt to be funny.

He also tells lots of jokes about me. Not to other people. To ME. For example, “Honey, so you like the chicken I made tonight?” It’s very difficult to replicate one of his jokes, but here’s something vaguely like what he might say: “Oh, this is chicken? I thought it was goat meat.” See–that’s not only not funny. It’s just plain confusing and frustrating. Why would you think it’s goat meat? Have you actually eaten goat meat? Are you trying to say the chicken tastes bad? If so, just say it instead of telling confusing jokes.

For 9 years, I have been asking him if he can try to make his jokes a little funnier. I don’t even think he’s trying.

**Need to buy your guy a gift? Visit the Husband Clothes gift store here.**

Okay, it’s time to show you some new trends that my husband has come up with. This little “shirt trick,” if you will, is classified as UNM (Urgently Needs Modification). But I have been trying to change this new habit, and nothing is working. My husband thinks it’s a work of genius, and he’s not giving it up. See the photo:

Who can identify the obvious problems here? Well, 1) There’s a piratey looking skull on the shirt 2) The skull is florescent green. 3) The shirt is wrinkled as if it’s been crumpled into a ball, yet hanging as if it’s ready to wear to work tomorrow morning–as I am sure it will be.

However, we haven’t even gotten to the trend. This looks like one shirt, doesn’t it? NO, IT IS TWO SHIRTS. My husband must have seen middle school and high school rock-n-roll students wearing heavy metal T-shirts over sweatshirts. And then he decided that this is his new look. He even says that when I ask him to stop: “No, this is my new look.”

In addition, when he takes the shirts off, provided they are still clean (and in my husband’s mind, clothes are ALWAYS clean), he takes them off simultaneously and hangs them up together, just like this.

Getting a birthday present from my husband used to be quite a challenge. Actually, getting a gift for any occasion from him is pretty much impossible (for me, for other people, easier). Honestly speaking, I don’t think my husband knows the exact year of my age. (He would guess close to my age, but I’m not going to promise he’d get it right on the mark.) Okay, I’ll admit it right now–this part is partially my fault. I am in my thirties but look like a teenager–in banks and places I get blown off and people think I can’t understand big words like SEP IRA or small cap funds… Therefore, I lie about my age like crazy. I always claim to be at least 5 years older than I actually am. SO, it only hurts my feelings a little when he forgets my exact age and never gets me gifts for anything ever.

But last year, I figured out this SLICK trick. Figure out something he wants for himself, and just ask for that. Guaranteed gift, on time, and of course, not the cheap dumb version, but the latest and greatest. Only the best will do when it’s something my husband wants for himself!

Tried it out, and got a brand new mini-DV camera that lets me record videos and upload them right onto my “computer”!!! (To see why I jokingly call it a computer, take a look at the description and photo of it–this was another “gift” from my husband). True, he has it, and I don’t know where. True, I have never used it (but would like to). But it’s still technically mine and it made me feel SO special!

This year I decided to get an mp3 recorder. It’s for a cool business I am starting. More on that later. But for now, I mainly wanted to share a little of my slickness with you. Sorry, I guess I should be more humble–but it has taken me 9 years to figure out how to get a guaranteed birthday present, so I guess I’m feeling rather hot at the moment.

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I’m really tempted to call this post “Husband Can’t Do Anything Correctly.” But actually he did lots of great stuff for us this weekend–took us to the beach, took the boys out for ice cream and park while I did housework. Plus, as I mentioned in an earlier post, he’s looking mighty hot right now.

However, let’s not get on the “husband high horse.”

Does anyone else’s husband INSIST on closing blinds upside down? I’m guessing no. My husband insists that people can see inside unless the blinds are closed upside down–yes, that means he considers himself more an expert at the use of blinds than blinds engineers and manufacturers.

Also, as you can see, it looks STUPID. I have pointed out blinds in other peoples’ homes. I have shown him blinds in catalogs. He still says the right way is for the blinds to point UP. To make matters worse, it doesn’t matter how many times I turn them the correct way. He doesn’t care. He “readjusts” them.

Also, our blinds are UGLY, but he insists that they look fine. I need to shop for some new ones.

Okay, you are really not going to believe this. I probably shouldn’t post it, because now it will actually appear that my husband isn’t only strange. It will seem that he actually needs …um..well, treatment, if you will, as in from a psychiatrist or neurologist or something like that. I must admit, this was one of those times when I stopped, did a double take at my husband, saw that he was serious, and felt sheer panic. Panic that I had married an embecile. But don’t worry, I didn’t. I just thought that because of this REALLY bizarre idea he had.

So, why was I panicked? Well, I was trying to figure out how to arrange the furniture in each room of our new place. You know, will this dresser fit along the wall where the window is, or is it too long? Where to put the couch, TV, our bed, dressers, etc for the most floor space–stuff like this. Every plan I came up with, he hated. (He’s very picky–he doesn’t really like any ideas ever. I’ve grown used to it.)

I said, “Ok. Then how do you think we should arrange the bedrooms?”

His response: “We don’t need to think about that right now. We can tell the movers to put all of our furniture in the living room. Then we’ll move it into the rooms as we figure out how to arrange them.”

Did you see that? He was not joking.

I’m just reminiscing about ways my husband ruined our old place and really hoping he doesn’t do the same things in the new one. Look at these pretty little photos I took around the holidays last year. Isn’t our living room nice and cozy? Isn’t it? Look at my shelf. Isn’t it cute? Well, not anymore. Here’s why:

#1: Ill-placed Speakers
Come on. Who would put a speaker up high, by a curtain, smack in the center of a living room wall? Yes, my husband would and DID. He wanted surround sound for our TV. Well, he sure got it.

#2: Lap Top “Holders” (aka, curtain rod holders drilled into a shelf)
See these metal things my husband drilled into our living room shelf? SEE EM?! Know what they are? They are things he was supposed to use to put up our curtain rod. Perhaps this is the reason our curtain rods are so unsteady. Know why they’re there? I quote my husband’s words: “to hold my laptop in place.” (Notice: there’s no laptop on this shelf.)

Ever seen doodads like this hanging around your living room? I hope not.

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We paid the deposit on our new apartment, aka townhouse (because it has stairs). My husband is already there, and the boys and I can’t wait to follow. I haven’t seen the “townhouse” yet!

I asked nervously if I’ll have enough room for my computer in the bedroom. (As I have mentioned in prior posts, I am a writer, and our bedroom is my “office,” and our bed is my “desk.” ) I was very afraid that the answer might be no. Then where would I work–the kitchen?? The living room? What would be my new desk–the couch?

So my husband replies somewhat grimly, “Well, the kids’ room in the new place is smaller than the old one. But the new master bedroom is larger than the old one. We’ll probably just need to move the kids’ bunkbed into our room. ” After 8 years of marriage, he still manages to come up with ideas like this. (Obviously, this is NOT the solution, but it is a concern that he could possibly think we’d do this.)

I don’t really think “marching to the beat of a different drummer” quite captures what I’m trying to describe here.