Husband Clothes

My husband has lived in the US for 12 years. Now, he used to do LOTS of embarrassing, sometimes dangerous, things due to not being from here. For example, has your husband ever WALKED through a drive-thru bank ATM or McDonald’s drive-thru? Mine has. And it freaked people out big-time. Has your husband ever asked a manager at a company to help him fill out a job application for a position at that company? No? Oh, mine has. This is only the beginning.

That said, he’s come a long way. Mostly he acts like any other guy (I mean, like any other guy who’s a little odd). But every once in a while, he reverts back to his original self and does stuff that would be considered very normal in his country and very…um puzzling, to put it mildly…in ours.

A few such “incidents” have happened when he has a manager he really gets along with. When their project together ends, my husband feels the need to give the manager a GIFT. That’s a little embarrassing.

But do you want to know what’s really embarrassing? The gift he chooses. It’s always the same gift.

See, he wants to give something of value (despite that I beg him to avoid giving any gift, but especially an expensive gift). And what does everyone from my husband’s country consider the most wonderful, valuable gift on earth? Why, of course, a SWORD from his country, don’t you know?

Yes, so, what I’m trying to say is this: When my husband finishes a project with a manager he really gets along with well, he gives the guy a SWORD. A REAL one. As in, a sword in a sheath. That’s silver.

He did this rather recently. I am happy to say that, while humiliating, it didn’t cause me to unravel completely. I have learned to accept that my husband does weird things. That’s just the way it is.

Also, there’s kind of a silver lining to this gray cloud. While I would probably cringe myself into a coma if I were present while my husband was presenting the sword, it’s actually kind of FUN to imagine the guy fake liking a SWORD. And to imagine my husband’s oblivious, IMMENSE pride and HUGE smile as he presents such a wonderful gift to a guy he really respects.

So, what happens after I mow the lawn on Sunday? My husband made the situation about 80 times more volatile by purchasing and assembling the patio furniture he’s been dreaming of. Why didn’t I accompany him to the store??? This is a question that might haunt me for the rest of my life.

First of all, we have no patio. We have concrete squares I (of course) laid out and intended to put a very small table and chairs on top of at some point.

Oh, but no. My husband found a table at Costco that he’s been talking about for weeks. It sounded pretty bad. White plastic, round, round bench attached under the table. But the bench OPENS for easy sitting. This didn’t tempt me in any way whatsoever to spend the $200 this table apparently cost us.

But he kept talking and talking about it. Finally I thought, okay, it’s going to look HORRIFIC. But let’s just take a look, and then he can return it for a refund. I mean, it sounds like something you’d see in a school cafeteria or fastfood restaurant, but how bad can it be? And how big could it possibly be? Our yard is small, but he promises the table is small too. Worst case scenario, he’ll take it back to the store.

Um, no he can’t. It took him 4 hours to put that piece of crap together. He said it was so big that he had to take it out of the box in order to get it into the car. No box + 4 hours to disassemble + my husband is SO IN LOVE with the table = there is NO WAY on earth he’s returning this thing.

Please, take a look at the photo of this thing and tell me: Does this table look “great” in our yard? Would you want to climb over those benches to try to sit down? Let’s be generous and lower the bar a little: Does this table look acceptable for any home-related use?

I suspect you will say “No, it does not, Holly. It does not.” But I’m very curious. Tell me your opinion.

PS. Perhaps I’m being a LITTLE sassy by putting the table in the corner so that it stands crookedly, half on grass, half on concrete stairs. But I don’t want it to kill all that grass. Plus, in the corner, I can’t see it when I look out the windows, which helps my mood.

Usually my husband gets home late. But now we’ve entered a whole new dimension of “late.” I used to think I knew what “late” meant. Now I’ve discovered that “late” and “early” are actually the same thing! The only difference is when the activity you reference BEGAN.

For example, when I say “5:30 am,” my bet is that most of you are thinking “oh, that’s EARLY.” But I’m thinking “oh, that’s LATE.” Why? Because that’s what time my husband got home from work two nights last week (after going in at 9:00 am).

I am afraid for his health. Well, not to mention mine. Try being 8 months pregnant with two wonderful little boys who make you run up and down the same huge flight of stairs 100 times each day because they are too little to do things like get snacks, drinks, food, and so on. Not to mention the two huge simultaneous projects I’ve just begun. That was dumb–either ONE of them will require full-time work hours. But taking both is my way of insulating us against the possibility of my husband getting laid off as many other people at his company have.

So, my husband is working on the movie “Watchmen.” You see the name, the actors–to me, it doesn’t look all that special. But DANG. Some people obviously think it’s very special because it is for this production that my husband has come home from 1:00 am to 5:30 am (only 2 nights though) over the past month. Maybe more. I’ve lost count.

Some people may say “Holly, it’s time to put your foot down.” But I take a Doormat Stance on this one. That’s an oxymoron that thoroughly explains my viewpoint. My Doormat Stance is: “It’s not time to put my foot down. It’s time for me to hold onto my medical insurance.” So, let him do what he needs to do. If he has a job, I’m happy. Though VERY tired. In summary, I am being a doormat about it, and I am fine with that right now. If the economy were superb, different story.

PS. It’s very important to me that everyone knows that I am not the LEAST bit jealous of the figure on that gal in the Watchmen photo above. Not even in my late stages of pregnancy. I don’t think sarcastic thoughts like “Look at that angular beanpole. Who’d wear a bathing suit with thigh-high leather boots with five inch heels in a FIRE. HA. Shows how smart she is.” I’d never say or think things like this–I’m way too mature.

I just had a random memory of a conversation my husband and I had about 10 years ago. We’d been dating maybe 3 months. At that time, my husband was a 2D animator. Those are the artists who draw cartoons like Sponge Bob, the Simpsons, and so on.

I remember us talking about the future, and I said, “You should think about learning 3D animation. You could work on movies like that one called ‘Shrek’ that’s coming out soon.” And his face lit up and looked really enthusiastic.

At that time, my husband knew almost NOTHING about the computer. He even asked me if I knew how to install a program (which I didn’t, though I used a computer at the office every day).

But he got really interested in learning 3D animation and other computer artistic things. And then taught himself all these programs to expert level. It took a very long time. People thought he was CRAZY to think he could master that kind of complex stuff himself, yet advised us not to even dream of spending $30,000 for him to go study how to do it. (And we didn’t, as we were way too dirt poor.)

Anyway, he worked on one of the Shrek movies a few years ago. Wierd, hu?

There are two important morning routines in our home: 1) My husband NEVER wakes up earlier than 8:00 am, though he needs to wake up by 7:30 am. 2) If I wake up early to take a shower, so as to free the bathroom up early, my husband miraculously WAKES up, DARTS out of bed, and NEEDS to get in the shower IMMEDIATELY. 3) In either and all other scenarios, my husband is going to be late to work, and this is “my fault.” This infuriates me and causes HUGE arguments in a usually peaceful home.

This morning, I got in the shower at 7:15 am–there’s NO WAY my husband’s getting up at that time. He sets the alarm at 7:30 am, and sleeps WAY beyond that.

But no matter to me. I’m up early, in the shower, today my son’s getting to school on TIME, baby! Yeah. 7:30 am. I’m enjoying my freshly cleaned, flower-scented hair, taking my time in my relaxing, warm shower….then suddenly BOOM BOOM BOOM.

Hu? Someone’s up? But that can’t be. It’s only 7:30 am. No one else in the house will be up until at least 8:30 am, maybe 8:00 am, but definitely not NOW!

I open the door, and my husband’s looking at me AALLLLLLL irritated. He says, “I need to take a SHOWER. I have to be at work at 9:00 am. Now I’m going to be LATE.”

My response in a very unkind voice: “DEAR, it’s 7:30 am. You haven’t been up this early in SEVERAL YEARS. Yet suddenly you’re going to be LATE because I’m in the SHOWER? DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.”

See, if he HAD a morning schedule, we, as in the other THREE people in this house, would be happy to accomodate him. After all, his getting to work by a reasonable time does allow us many fun and necessary things in life–we recognize that (but then so does MY money). The problem is, there is no morning schedule. It’s what he wants to do whenever he’s finally able to get his behind out of bed. And if it happens to be early for the first time in years, oh my, well I guess we ALL needed to work harder to ANTICIPATE THAT.

While I usually get over my husband’s lapses in judgement pretty quickly, I’m still highly annoyed at him for his buggy eyes blaming me for his tardiness this morning. I have my own tardiness to worry about. I’m tardy to take my son to school at least once a week. Do I look buggy eyed at my husband and ask him why he’s in the shower? NO, I don’t think I do. I think it’s time he cut out the morning blame routine and planning his morning schedule like an adult.

I had a VERY odd night! FIRST I went to bed at 10:00pm. My friends who read this blog just fainted. I have a big problem with staying up late till 1am or lately even later. But I’ve been working on it. BOOM. Progress.

But then I woke up at 4:00 am. Man, is this what happens when you go to bed at 10:00 pm? Don’t like it.

Then I noticed my husband was STILL not home from work. NO, he is not having an affair. (I know this because I do regular pocket, wallet, and car checks. Just joking. I would never invade my husband’s privacy. Only on Sundays, and only then while he’s in the shower or still asleep.)

Though I NEVER get mad about his late hours, I’m contemplating the possibility. His very long-term unemployment several years ago tramautized me into not caring how long he works for any reason ever, as long as he has a job to work at. But 4:00 am on Saturday? Perhaps it’s time to confront the trauma. (He’s also been working till 1am and later each week night for at least 3 weeks. New responsibilities at work–wants to prove himself.) Hey I get it, but 4:00 am on Saturday??

So, I spoke loudly, “What are you DOING? It’s 4:00 am! It’s SATURDAY!” And then he said he was working (yes, that’s clear), and he’s coming home soon. I kept thinking, “I think we need to set limits.”

But in order for limit-setting to work, the other party has to respond to the limits. See, that doesn’t happen in our house. Oh, I’ve set limits, and taken measures to enforce them. Bigtime measures. You don’t even want to know about them. My standards weren’t always this low, and I used to have lots n lots of energy to set and enforce limits. But my husband is not a “respond to limits” type. He’s not even a “clearly hear or understand limits” type. He’s pretty much limit-proof.

He said he almost has it under control. So I’m going to copy my husband and put this off for a while. Let’s see where we stand on the work hours next Saturday. If 4:00 am, I’m going to start talking strategies. Big ones. Like take the kids and move to Granny’s house. On the East Coast. And uh…uh…too tired to think about it. We’re going to go get ICE CREAM now. I’ll update you soon.

In this post, I discussed one of our dilemmas that my husband had over work. He had to make a really hard decision. He’d just gotten a good job in the LA area–wasn’t sure how it would go. Of COURSE, at that very moment, ILM offered him a contract to work on the new “Indiana Jones” movie (6 hours away in San Francisco). TOUGH moment that was–how do you turn down THAT? But he did. And it all worked out fine. Thank goodness. He loves his job here.

So this kept me highly interested in how “Indiana Jones” would turn out. I heard it was getting a bad buzz. Just saw an update on this blog called A Katt’s Life. Apparently the movie is kind of so so. That’s fine–I am happy it won’t bomb. I would have been very sad if my childhood adventure legendary movie series bombed. Okay, really it’s just because I want Shia LeBeouf (pictured with Harrison Ford above) to become super famous so he’ll be in tons of movies for me to watch.

Oh my, I just realized I am so much older than that guy. How embarrassing that I made that comment. Mmmm, well thank goodness that comment was NOT at ALL based on attraction, rather it was based on um…well, that he is such a talented comedic actor. And that’s it.

Speaking of Shia (let’s call him by first name, it feels right), why can’t I have dreams about him instead of about Vladimir Putin (as described here)? While we’re on this topic, why did I recently dream that I had lunch with Josh Hartnett? I barely even know who Josh Hartnett is. Does this make me a floozy? ha ha. Joking–it was just lunch. Josh was flirting with me mildly–that’s a relief. It’s annoying when guys flirt with me heavily, since I’m 7 months pregnant. (So funny this evening, no?). Plus, Robin Williams was there. And he kept trying to play matchmaker between me and Josh. Weird.

Actually, I think I need to stop right here. Everything I’m interested in saying right now is getting progressively less wholesome and increasingly more bizarre. I’m not too happy about that. Please forgive me. And enjoy Katt’s update about the new “Indiana Jones” movie.

[UPDATE: I was so positive readers would blow off this link to this love story–I BARELY posted the link. But you shock–more people clicked on this thing than Funny Quotes! The Funny Quotes page drives searches for marriage humor to this blog…Hm. What an interesting surprise. So really, we all just want a love story that ends well at the end of the day…No? I’m all confused now. But in a good way.]

I so enjoy this blog because it’s one of the only places I write for FUN!!! I like telling jokes, and love pondering psychology, especially psychology of people very different from me, like my husband.

BUT I actually do serious writing too. Most of it is academic and educational. And it would greatly bore you.

There is one story I submitted a while ago to a really nice blog about love and relationships that while serious, might spice this blog up by surprising you. It’s a LOVE story about me and my HUSBAND. And how much I LOVE him. No sarcasm or humor, just pure love and adoration, baby. Here’s the link–oh, and NO, that photo is not of my husband’s face:

LettersFromTheSoul.Com–Our Backgrounds Were So Different

Read fast because if my husband sees that I have linked a LOVE story about us to this blog, he will absolutely force me to remove it. Yes, that’s right–he will allow me to make fun of him online (and he also enjoys making fun of me, though to my face rather than in a blog, and usually when I am depressed or upset about something). But he will NOT tolerate sappiness attached to his name or reputation. NO WAY.

I hope you don’t find this story too repulsive. If you do, quickly move on to the next post about mowing. That one is full of sarcasm and fun. And reality.

It’s 1:30am on Friday night. I waited all day for my husband to tell me whether he has to work tomorrow. And Monday. (I can’t make weekend plans without this info.) He has to do stuff for a trailer being released in a week or two, so his schedule is crazy again, but not for long.

My husband IM’d me an hour ago that he’s coming home. So I asked, “Are you working tomorrow???”

His response: “Hm. They were supposed to tell me. But they didn’t. Hey, do you know if I’m supposed to work on Monday?”

I don’t think I need to explain the many things wrong with that response. I should mention that he thinks I might know his Monday schedule because he forwarded me some message a week ago about it. But uh, I don’t read boring stuff like that, so while I noticed Monday was mentioned, I have no idea what the details were. Oh well, he’ll catch on eventually and stop relying on me for his schedule info.

So, in a nutshell, it’s already Saturday, yet I have no idea what we’re doing Saturday. Or Monday. But Sunday, I can plan for, as I know my husband will be home. I plan that my husband will sleep till 3pm then say he’s too tired to do anything. But I’m going to be rebellious. We’re doing something fun on Sunday. And so help me, if I have to use pepperspray to get that man out of bed early, so be it.

But where will we go? I’m thinking Point Dume in Malibu. I heard you can see live starfish there! Um, the fact that Brad Pitt lives kind of close to there and I’m dying to see his house has nothing to do with this idea. Does anyone know a good site with maps of movie star homes? I don’t need it for our fun family trip on Sunday. I’m just asking out of curiosity. Also does anyone know where Owen Wilson’s house in Santa Monica is? NOT because it’s on the way to Malibu, and I want to see it. PLEASE. That would be so immature. No, um. See, I just want to AVOID going near the homes of any movie stars along the way. You know, to respect their privacy. And stuff like that. Thanks.

Like most people in the movie industry, my husband has worked away from home for some projects (for months at a time). In each case, he could have stuck with work close by, but the far away work would increase his salary level and work skills. We chose the harder road, but it has paid off.

However, the relocations and work hours can be really hard on families. Once we moved back to Hollywood (for the 2nd time), my husband decided to stick to nearby projects.

Then OF COURSE, 6 months later, ILM offered him a job on the new “Indiana Jones” movie. (ILM is in San Francisco, which is 6 hours away from us. We just moved to Hollywood from there last year.) Good relocation, good pay, real high quality production. He’s worked there before and really liked it.

But he stuck by his decision and didn’t take the job. Now, the Indiana Jones movie is supposedly getting a bad buzz. So, I was thinking, hm, if my husband had sacrificed to go work on this movie, then it bombed, that would have kind of stung for him.

But uh, hello, how is that movie getting a bad buzz? It’s starring Harrison Ford, the most awesome man of all time. This man will still be hot when he’s 98. And I LOVE his success story (read it here)–student who made C’s and D’s and got fun of and bullied in school, tried acting but didn’t do well, became construction worker. Then “Star Wars.” Howdy.

And please don’t anyone even get me started talking about Shia LaBeouf who I felt was rather geeky until I saw “Transformers” when I discovered that Shia’s face, and name, grows on you and he is an incredibly hilarious and talented comedic actor. Also, his little stint of refusing to leave the Walgreen’s parking lot while publicly intoxicated (this part correct?) was one of the funniest stories I’ve ever heard. The sheer fact that he was at Walgreen’s was actually funny enough. Then the SO ADORABLE mugshot–I fell totally in love with him. In a non-sexual way of course. But anything with him in it can’t possibly maintain a bad buzz.

Uhhhh, was there a point to this post? Oh, yes, I just forgot to point it out. hehhhhehe. The point was that my husband turned down that project for good reasons, and that worked out well. Now if he could also start making good handy work decisions, good decisions about visiting the dentist to fix his tooth which is STILL CHIPPED (front tooth, of course), good decisions about not getting traffic tickets, about not wearing the same pair of pants 20 days in a row…