Funny Marriage, Love, and Sex Quotes

Funny Marriage Quotes

Before marriage, a man declares he will lay down his life to serve you. After marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. Helen Rowland

After seven years of marriage, I am sure of two things. First, never wallpaper together, and second, you’ll need two bathrooms–both for her. Dennis Miller

Marriage is a great institution. But I’m not ready for an institution yet. Mae West

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attention of many men for the inattention of one. Helen Rowland

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. Socrates

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield

I don’t think I’ll get married again. I think I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house. Lewis Grizzard

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two nights a week…She goes Tuesdays, and I go Fridays. Henry Youngman

I never knew real happiness until I got married. By then it was too late. Max Kaufman

The longest sentence you can form with two words is “I do.” Henry Louis Mencken

Dammit Sir, it’s your duty to get married. You can’t always be living for pleasure! Oscar Wilde

We sleep in separate rooms. We have dinner apart. We take separate vacations. We’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. Rodney Dangerfield

Mom and Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. She was 16. He was 18, and I was 3. Billie Holiday

The poor wish to be rich. The rich wish to be happy. The happy wish to be married. The married wish to be dead. Ann Landers

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner

My husband and I didn’t sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact. Roseanne Barr

Funny Life Quotes: Sex

My girlfriend always laughs during sex…no matter what she’s reading. Steve Jobs

I know nothing about sex because I was always married. Zza Zza Gabor

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. Billy Crystal

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either. Joseph Fischer

Funny Quotes About Men

Don’t accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange. Robin Morgan

Behind every successful man, there is a surprised woman. Maryon Pearson

When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always. Rita Rudner

To attract men, I wear a perfume called “New Car Interior.” Rita Rudner

Talk to a man about himself, and he will listen for hours. Benjamin Disraeli

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes. Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they’re a bunch of liars. Anonymous

We had a lot in common. I loved him, and he loved him. Shelley Winters

There’s very little advice in men’s magazines because men think, “I know what I’m doing. Just show me someone naked.” Jerry Seinfeld

What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light. Mark Twain

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn’t stand for that. Steve Martin

It was a mixed marriage. I’m human, and he was a Klingon. Carol Leifer

Do not marry a man to reform him. That’s what reform schools are for. Mae West

Funny Quotes About Women

Everyone knows that a man can marry even if he reaches the age of 102, is penniless, and has all his facilities gone. There is always some woman willing to take a chance on him. Amy Vanderbilt

Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilty, and I’ll show you a man. Erica Jong

The only time a woman succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby. Natalie Wood

Do you know what it means to come home to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means. George Burns

When a man steals your wife, there’s no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry

When you are courting a nice girl, an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder, a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. Albert Einstein

I saw a woman wearing a shirt with “Guess” on it. I said, “Thyroid problem?” Arnold Schwarzenneger

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I don’t want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t. Patrick Murray

My wife and I had words, but I never got to use mine. Fibber McGee