Husband Clothes

Take a look at this. It WAS a normal, plastic fork. Until my husband needed to use it for something other than eating.

No, he did not use the fork to give people the bird. He used it for something slightly stranger and grosser. My husband has made MANY inventions for the same purpose. When we were first married, they scared me. I would find them lying around the house and be like “Oh my GOSH, GROSS. How can I stop this?” Then finally he began doing even grosser things, and this particular type of invention no longer phased/phases me.

So, I was trying to give you a chance to guess what it’s used for before telling you. Here’s the answer: picking his teeth. You know, like a toothpick. A few questions come to mind–foremost, why not just get a toothpick? As I said, he makes toothpicks out of many household items. My favorite way he makes toothpicks is when he rips up papers from my desk–occasionally important ones–and rolls them up very tightly. These things look like actual toothpicks. (But that doesn’t make it okay.) Then of course, he likes to leave the “toothpicks” sitting around everywhere.

My story is done, but there are a few afterthoughts that amused me. Kind of funny: As I was photographing the fork, my husband came in our room. His eyes got big for one moment, then he started laughing from pride that his invention would be “shown off” on the Internet. Also, I am not good at using “my” camera yet (i.e., the camera HE wanted for himself and therefore got me for “my birthday” 1.5 months late). So, after laughing aloud for a few seconds, he said in all seriousness, “You’re not doing this right. For close-up photos, you have to…” then showed me a button to push, then took a perfect photo of the fork.

I just have one question: how did he bend, rather than break, that piece of the fork? Also, what are those pieces called? I’ll ask him how he did that–it almost makes the invention impressive…Well, not really, but I tried to bend one of the prongs (or whatever they are called), and it just broke off.

My husband has lived in the US for 12 years. Now, he used to do LOTS of embarrassing, sometimes dangerous, things due to not being from here. For example, has your husband ever WALKED through a drive-thru bank ATM or McDonald’s drive-thru? Mine has. And it freaked people out big-time. Has your husband ever asked a manager at a company to help him fill out a job application for a position at that company? No? Oh, mine has. This is only the beginning.

That said, he’s come a long way. Mostly he acts like any other guy (I mean, like any other guy who’s a little odd). But every once in a while, he reverts back to his original self and does stuff that would be considered very normal in his country and very…um puzzling, to put it mildly…in ours.

A few such “incidents” have happened when he has a manager he really gets along with. When their project together ends, my husband feels the need to give the manager a GIFT. That’s a little embarrassing.

But do you want to know what’s really embarrassing? The gift he chooses. It’s always the same gift.

See, he wants to give something of value (despite that I beg him to avoid giving any gift, but especially an expensive gift). And what does everyone from my husband’s country consider the most wonderful, valuable gift on earth? Why, of course, a SWORD from his country, don’t you know?

Yes, so, what I’m trying to say is this: When my husband finishes a project with a manager he really gets along with well, he gives the guy a SWORD. A REAL one. As in, a sword in a sheath. That’s silver.

He did this rather recently. I am happy to say that, while humiliating, it didn’t cause me to unravel completely. I have learned to accept that my husband does weird things. That’s just the way it is.

Also, there’s kind of a silver lining to this gray cloud. While I would probably cringe myself into a coma if I were present while my husband was presenting the sword, it’s actually kind of FUN to imagine the guy fake liking a SWORD. And to imagine my husband’s oblivious, IMMENSE pride and HUGE smile as he presents such a wonderful gift to a guy he really respects.

This man never ceases to amaze me. I say this STILL experiencing husband attention and favors and politeness almost equal to our dating phase. I’m getting lots of special treatment from my husband, above and beyond the norm. We’re talking car doors getting opened for me and stuff. I’m totally happy about this.

Anyway, today, we go to get a bassinet from an acquaintance of mine. The couple’s beautiful, beautiful 10-week old baby BOY is sleeping on a bed beside the bassinet. Their beautiful 7-year old GIRL and her cute 6-year old BROTHER are sitting on a couch watching TV. Let me add that the girl has looooong pigtails in her hair with a pink dress on. The 10-week old baby BOY has a blue onsie on.

So, we’re checking out the bassinet, as I share with the parents about how I have 2, soon to be 3 boys. The mother, my acquaintance, talks about how it is to have 2 boys and 1 girl. We’re talking about how cute the baby boy is. Lots of “boy” and “girl” talk going on. Meanwhile, my husband is checking out the bassinet. Then he made 2 trips to take the bassinet to the car, and we left.

On the way home, my husband asks, “So, is their baby a boy or a girl?” (Remember, the baby was lying RIGHT BESIDE THE BASSINET. In his BLUE OUTFIT.)

I answered his question and didn’t bother to tell him how odd it was that he could have possibly not known the answer himself…

Then he says, “Oh. Were the older kids also boys?”  Clearly, he missed the plain view of the older two children as we walked through the front door AND back out of it–the girl was sitting right by the door watching TV. And he also clearly ignored the entire conversation, brief as it was, the mother and I had as he stood beside us checking out the bassinet.

Interesting, hu? By the way, for me, the even stranger part of this story is that he actually drove us to get a USED bassinet and didn’t complain about it at ALL. In his eyes, used things are simply the work of the devil. Used things must not be touched. Used things must not be used. Especially by children. But see–not a single sly remark, scowl, or pressure to get a new bassinet instead. Nope. I wanted it, we went to get it. It’s puzzling, slightly alarming, but I LIKE it and hope it LASTS.

Okay, first, background for new readers: my husband does not recognize movie stars by their looks or their names. If I try to say, for example, “Hey Honey, let’s go see the new Matt Damon movie,” my husband will DEFINITELY have no idea who I’m talking about. His only excuse for not recognizing people as famous as Matt Damon, Angelina Jolie, and so on is that he’s from another country. However, he’s lived in the US almost 12 years, and he works in the movie industry, so the “other country” excuse isn’t really helping me understand.

On the way home tonight from our date (which included the 2 children, of course), my husband says, “Oh, did I tell you…I’m pretty sure I saw PITT Brad. Hmmmm, PITT Brad, right? Do you know who I’m talking about?” (I’m writing the way he talked–he was saying Pitt with emphasis for some reason, Brad without, and yes, Pitt first Brad next.) Then I got it and almost yelled, “HU? YOU SAW BRAD PITT? WHEN??”

Apparently this happened a few weeks ago at a traffic stop near Culver City, CA. Now, because Brad Pitt has been in France for the birth of his twins (who have been born, I assume everyone is well aware of this, also that the twins are a boy and a girl)…my husband could very well be wrong. Actually, he could also have the totally wrong guy. In all honesty, he may have no idea what Brad Pitt even looks like. To confirm, I will need to show him a photo and say, “Was this the guy?”

Because the guy wasn’t even definitely Brad Pitt, this may not even be “blog worthy” news EXCEPT for a few interesting details, which follow:

1) Pitt is not a first name, and Brad is not a last name. Therefore, the sentence “I saw PITT Brad” should never happen–not when you’re talking about famous people, not when you’re talking about any people. Perhaps when you’re talking about a pittbull named Brad. But I’m doubting you ever will. Nevertheless, my husband did actually say this, and he was not joking.

2) When people mention Brad Pitt in conversation, they should just kind of know the name without having to ask questions about it or say it backward. I mean, it’s not like he’s only been famous for one year. And it’s not like he’s only a little famous.

3) My husband has worked on at least one movie starring Brad Pitt–Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Maybe others. So, honestly, despite that he usually can’t name movie stars, he really, really should have been able to name this one…And I guess if we got really picky, we’d have to say he almost did. So uh, good for him?

Do you think there are other people on the planet who could see Brad Pitt and think his name is PITT Brad? Do you think there are other people on the planet who could actually think any person’s first name would be Pitt? I’m thinking my husband could be alone on this one–does that make him a jet setter? HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!!!! I’m So FUNNY today!

I hope that title doesn’t sound too mean. My husband is being so nice, it’s almost like we’re in the dating phase again. I’m really surprised and very, very, very happy with things–so much attention, so much approval, so much togetherness!

But we had a very amusing dialog today, and I can’t resist sharing it. I can’t help how this dialogue is going to make him look. All I can say is trust me–he’s a smart guy, despite everything about this dialogue.

Background: There were about 2 hours when I was thinking I might be in labor. (That was so exciting!) So I wanted to alert my husband just in case–it takes him an hour to drive home and stuff, so it makes sense to say “Hey, get ready, it may be time…but it may not.” SO, here’s the dialogue:

Me: Hey Honey, I think I might be having contractions. There’s a small chance it might be time.

Husband: OK.

Me: Don’t come home or anything yet. I just wanted to warn you.

Husband: About what?

Hahahahhaha. Does this dialogue bring any questions or doubts about my husband’s sanity to mind? What did he think I meant by “It might be time”? Time for LUNCH? Time for the morning MAIL? Sure, except that I had mentioned contractions, and I am almost 9 months pregnant. Oh well. At least he understood after I clarified. hahahahahah.

Update: It’s now the next day. I am pretty sure those were NOT contractions. Why wouldn’t I know this? After all, it’s my 3rd pregnancy…well, hopefully someone will inform me when I begin having contractions, as clearly, I’m not going to know.

I strongly recommend that any and all married people read this article called “The Stages of Marriage” at AgeAndHealth.com. The 12 stages of marriage are outlined by Michael Gurian. Notice that this was written in 2005. It’s still worth reading!

This man’s book helped me through a very difficult time in my marriage. It was difficult, I learned from the book, because my husband and I went through a stage called “The Crisis” stage from Day 1 of our marriage! Usually this should be Stage 5. But for us, Stage 5: The Second Crisis occurred alongside Stage 1 and the ohters that followed. Our crisis was that my husband couldn’t find a job for a very long time, and that was hard for me to understand by about week #2 of our marriage:) But it’s all good now, as we are in year 9, AND he has had a really good job for years now.

Oh, see writing at 12:00am. That’s never good. Too many weird tangents. I apologize!

SO, as I was saying, these 12 stages are quite similar to real life, except that some stages will occur out of order. The stage that makes me saddest to read about is Stage 3: Power Struggle. This stage can last for years, and it is the stage during which most people get divorced. The reason it makes me sad is because for some couples, this stage would probably lead to Stage 4: Awakening, except that marriage is so confusing and hard, sometimes that couples don’t know there’s another stage around the bend.

That last paragraph does NOT in any way imply that I think people should avoid divorce. I know a few too many people who’ve been in dangerous or hopeless situations to judge. So, to clarify, the prior paragraph means ‘I get sad when marriage is hard and confusing for people, especially me,’ NOT ‘I get sad when people get divorced.’

Okey Dokey, so this post was a tad on the unfocused side, as I am writing it after 12:00am, which I think is against a rule I set for myself a LONG time ago for this very reason…But hopefully you’ll find the article interesting–and, should you be having a hard time with your spouse–helpful and a source of relief.

There’s a post on this blog somewhere when I made fun of my husband’s financial know-how. Well, I’m going to have to take that all back now because of something very sketchy I did.

If you have said or done something dumb lately, or need a boost in confidence for whatever reason, I’M WRITING THIS POST FOR YOU. When you start feeling down, you’ll be able to think to yourself, “Hey, I may have screwed up. But at least I’m not as dumb as Holly Kay.”

I live in Southern California where rent prices are atrocious. Our rent is almost $1600 (and our apt is definitely one of the cheaper ones in our area, I know sad…I wish we could live in the dangerous part of town where rents are less than $1,000 but I can’t as I have to think of our children…) ANYWAY…

I was just balancing our checkbook. Low and behold, look at my carbon copy rent check. I should have written the $1600 check to our landlord. Well, I didn’t. Guess who I wrote the $1600 check out to. Multiple-choice:

1) I wrote my rent check for $1600 to myself.
2) I wrote my rent check for $1600 to my landlord’s dog.
3) I wrote my rent check for $1600 to a pizza place, Round Table Pizza (like Pizza Hut but tastier).

Unfortunately, if you chose #3, you were right. Yes. I wrote a check for $1600 to a pizza joint. (NO, I didn’t even do this while ordering pizza. I simply wrote the check out to the pizza joint for $1600 and gave it to my landlord.)

Off to clear up this chaos. Hm, and I was kinda hopin’ to work today. Oh well. Don’t care. Don’t care about check to pizza place. Don’t care about work. Only care about my children and husband today. (Clearly, the insomnia has taken a toll on my pea brain. Will continue to try new sleeping routines and hope they help.)

Good story I can TOTALLY relate to. Why is it that husbands INSIST on being a hero for the coworker, the stranger, the plumber, whomever else…but not the wifey. And my VERY favorite is when the husband’s “heroism” is not even very helpful to anyone, PLUS creates problems for his wife and family.

Prime example: One couple had a horrendous situation with the bathroom. They discovered rotting wood under the floors–lots of fixing needed. Basically, the whole floor had to be taken up, as well as tiles in the shower, and one thing lead to another, and it just became a colossal mess. Well, this lady’s husband (unlike my dear ole’ hero) KNOWS how to do handy stuff. Wow. He can build, paint, put in screws correctly. I’m betting this guy can even drill without creating problems…AND lots of other handyman difficult stuff.

However, occasionally there’s a part or two this guy CAN’T do. In that case, they call in the pro’s. So, this rotting wood thing involved tasks her husband COULD do, as well as things he could NOT do.

The couple got the estimate for all the work. They agree on the total with the workers. I’m sure this was at least a few thousand dollars. Important detail: The total price includes ALL parts of the job. They can’t really say “Now, you stop at this point, and my husband will do that. Then you begin again at this point…” No, it’s pay–for-whole-job or workers-do-no-job.

Does everyone see this clear picture? The couple is getting the bathroom fixed. The worker doing it is all ready to do all these jobs and ALREADY PERFECTLY HAPPY WITH THE DEAL.

So, as the job progresses, everyone’s happy. The workers are doing a job they’re happy to have. The wife is happy the bathroom’s getting fixed. Then as the job comes near an end, the husband blurts out: “Oh, listen, don’t worry about putting stuff BACK–the hinges, light fixtures, and so on. I can do all that stuff.”

Does anyone out there understand WHY a person would do this? If so, please understand: There’s no reason for this type of thing. It’s NOT heroic. It’s actually not even helpful. In fact, now the job will end up taking more time, as one husband can’t possibly finish it up as quickly as the workers would have. Plus, the workers think the husband is WEIRD because the workers would NEVER pay for a job at their home, then do half of it. Please. No one would. Except this poor lady’s husband. Or my husband or your husband perhaps.

But so many husbands DO stuff like this–there has to be some mutual guy understanding that I don’t get. Like, maybe the guy thinks paying for a job then doing half of it himself makes him look wealthy? Or makes him look generous (to other guys)?

I can tell you one thing for sure, to his wife, this looks neither wealthy nor generous. It looks dumb, expensive, and highly irritating. Why? This guy’s “heroism” is now keeping him working in the bathroom to “save the workers” (who now think he’s weird), while wifey needed help watching their child, cooking dinner, cleaning, and hey, maybe even talking or MAYBE even hanky panky, Buddy. Seriously what was he thinking????

I keep meaning to write a post about men and vision. Did you know that studies have shown that men REALLY don’t have eyes for certain types of details?

If I weren’t in such a panic over this project I have to send in by Friday, I’d research it right now and link you to a great article on this fascinating topic. BUT, for now, trust me (and overlook the fact that I’m no doctor and barely know a thing about men or marriage)–men can’t visually perceive the same details women do. In fact, basically, I think one could say it this way: Men can’t visually perceive details. This is why when they vacuum, it looks like no one has vacuumed. Same reason as when they beam with pride after fixing dinner despite the grease dripping from the kitchen ceiling and smushed food crap all over the floor–it’s not that messes don’t bother men; it goes a little deeper–they can’t even see the messes. (These examples refer to other peoples’ husbands, as my husband has never actually touched a vacuum cleaner or cooked an entire meal. But I know all about this stuff–my friends tell me stories about when their husbands try to help clean…)

ANYWAY, a while ago I posted how thrilled I was that my friend is building shelves for us that will be higher quality but cheaper than IKEA shelves. He did so. We’ve had our wonderful new shelves for well over a week now. They are beautiful and I LOVE them sooooo much.

Several days ago, I mentioned to my husband that we’d gotten the shelves. Granted, this was a quick conversation, and he seemed preoccupied. But whatever. We’re busy, as you probably are–there’s just not always time for hour-long updates about stuff like furniture. Also note that the shelves are in storage closets. But the one of these closets is RIGHT BY OUR FRONT DOOR. And I left the closet doors wide open for 4 days so my husband could get a look when he came home (still very late). Not to mention, all of the junk that had been in the middle of our living room floor suddenly disappeared because it went onto our beautiful new shelves.

So, after literally 3-4 days of me beaming over our new shelves, my husband IM’s me, “So, did he bring the shelves yet?”

This is a man whose JOB is adding visual details to MOVIES. Do you find that scary? You would if you kind of counted on his income to pay your rent. But that’s okay. We have my income as well. Just as back-up, that’s reassuring.

Hm. I’m feeling very puzzled and confused. But kind of on a love-my-husband high at the same time. I have very vague memories of my husband’s awesome cooking skills from about 10 years ago during our dating phase. My husband is such a great cook–or should I say “was.” Is cooking like riding a bycicle, and you don’t forget how to do it even after 10 years of not even turning on a stove eye?

Oh, let me not exaggerate. My husband has cooked several times over the last 10 years. But only for himself and on a very rare Saturday for the boys–and this involves nothing more extravagant than a scrambled egg. In fact, I can just say it this way: Over the last 10 years my husband has cooked, but only scrambled eggs, and that very rarely, and NEVER for me.

So what’s Mr. Romantic doing at 11pm as I’m working at my computer bringing me a VERY DELICIOUS OMELET with sliced bread and sliced tomatoes on the side??? He had to walk upstairs to do this. [Right here, new readers please note: Despite how this all sounds, my husband is a very kind man, and I’m a kind lady. We’re both just kind of in the stone ages when it comes to sharing housework.]

And then I, in a very extremely nice voice, was kind of like “Wow. Thanks a lot! Hey, um, are you looking to have um [how can I phrase this on blog]…to do reproductive activities?” Seriously, he looked so surprised. I am sure he only cooked to be kind. But why? Why do husbands suddenly realize they need to be attentive? Does he have a girlfriend telling him he needs to be attentive?

No, definitely not–I did the monthly cell phone-slash-wallet check and *67 (if you do that, the person getting the call can’t see your number on their phone), call all unfamiliar numbers on husband’s cell phone. I found only two unfamiliar numbers, and both people who answered were males–so sorry I hung up on them!!! He he he–can’t really explain how I am checking to be sure they’re not my husband’s girlfriend, especially since they’re obviously his guy friends–boy that’d make BOTH of us look weird, how embarrassing! [One more note for new readers: I’m SO not the jealous type, but when your husband works from 9am till 3-5am for 4-5 weeks, you start feeling that you need to check wallets and cell phones just in case–but see, I only checked once in a month. I could be SO much more diligent. But too busy.]

But back on track: I bet my husband is afraid I’m going to die when I give birth in a month–no, that sounds more like me. No, I say it’s just his great love of babies and that I’m about to have a third one for him. That’s a wonderful trait for a husband to have, but how great to get all this attention lately too! I’m basically in heaven right now, both from good food and good husband.

PS. YES, I DO REALIZE that I am probably too easily pleased. I mean, the first omelet in 10 years could have been husband cooking once or twice a week for 10 years…But how does one force oneself to be NOT happy with something when she’s just thrilled? I could try to repeat over and over, for example, “I will not be happy with first omelet in 10 years. Need husband to cook at least twice a week.” But it won’t work. I’ll still feel really happy about this omelet.